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Pretty Little Liars 1x3: The Secret World of Secretive Secrets

Emily recaps the latest episode of Pretty Little Liars, in which not nearly enough non-Jerk-Detective secksin' went on.

Pretty Little Liars 1x3: The Secret World of Secretive Secrets

Hello! Welcome back to YA on TV!! Last week, I reviewed the first two episodes of ABC Family's Smash Hit* Pretty Little Liars! Now it's on to episode three!

*Relative term, which basically means that it aired, and at least five people watched it intentionally, while another 15 put it on as background noise while cleaning the kitchen, and another 18 asked "What the hell is ABC Family? Does this come in the standard cable package?"

If you haven't read the recap of the first two episodes, do it now! This show is confusing enough without having to explain what's already happened. I'm still stuck on why Kendra hasn't staked anyone yet and why Kimberly Brock's little brother hasn't shot anyone with a potato gun.

Foliage! Arguing! Emily the Lesbian and Aria the Teacher Boner and Hanna the Shoplifter and Spencer the Perfectionist are mildly bickering about traipsing through the woods. I would be too, girls. Particularly if I was dressed as Aria is, which looks to be in a shirt from Forever 21. Just the shirt.

They're going to "the shed," wherever that is. I think that their intention is to "remember" Alison. Two thoughts: One, it is just as easy to remember someone from the comfort of one's own air-conditioned home (I'm just sayin') and Two, please let this "rememberance ceremony" involve a prayer circle, some peyote, and a soundtrack of John Cougar Mellencamp and Journey.

Hanna thinks maybe they should hold off on the remembering of Alison because . . . dun dun dun . . . Hanna thinks Alison is still alive. Even though they found Alison's body underneath Maya the Vampire Slayer's backyard. Everyone thinks maybe Hanna is confused in the brainspace, but Hanna figures Alison's the one sending the texts. As the girls argue, the soundtrack tries to build suspense. It fails at this, as it fails at so many other things. What's the matter, Pretty Little Liars? Couldn't get Michael Giacchino? I'm sure he isn't busy right now. I mean, Lost is over, and I don't think Pixar is planning to rip out our heartstrings with another story of a sad old man whose wife dies and then all his hopes and dreams are dashed until Russell and Doug come along to save him and GAH. Okay, I'm just going to need a moment. Damn it, Up.

I digress. SUSPENSE, and then the girls get a simultaneous text from A. "Heads up, BFFs. It's open season on liars and I'm hunting." Oh, A. Unless you are hunting wascaly wabbits, WE DON'T CARE.

Credits. "Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead." Necromancy. Family show!

Commercials. ABC Family's Weekend of Wonder sounds like it is actually ABC Family's Weekend of Remember When Tim Burton Made Movies You Really Wanted to See? Edward Scissorhands! Beetlejuice! Good times.

Show. Hanna walks into her kitchen and Jerky Detective is standing in front of the open refrigerator, with only a towel wrapped around his waist. Jerky Detective, you are letting out a lot of CFCs! My dad would be very angry with you right now. You can keep up the shirtlessness, though. This reminds me that as I was watching England get their asses handed to them by Germany the other day, none of the soccer players performed their most important task! Which is The Ritual Removal of the Soccer Jersey and Then the Sweaty Hugging of the Other Men. You know who took his shirt off?? Wayne Rooney! I thought we had a deal, Brittania.

Anyway. Hanna is annoyed/sickened. Hanna and I are both confused as to how this . . . thing has turned into a relationship. What the fuck is this, Pretty Woman? Kit DeLucca is going to be so disgusted by this turn of events.

Hanna's mother explains that she will continue to make sex with Jerky Detective until he gets the store to agree to drop the charges. Jerky Detective overhears all of this. Aw, it looks like maybe his feelings are hurt! Did Jerky Detective fall in love? Never kiss on the lips, Jerky Detective!

A brunch place. (yum.) Aria, her Child Bride mother Holly Marie Combs, and her Adulterous Dad Who Is Chad Lowe are talking about how good To Kill a Mockingbird is. It is a very good book, though I fear it's about to be ruined for me as we all learn A Very Important Lesson. I'm presuming the Very Important Lesson is not "don't falsely accuse people of rape" but we'll see, won't we?

Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, goes to get her daughter another bagel. (Child Brides are very subservient.) Aria and her father talk about Harper Lee some more, and then a young blonde woman approaches. Oh! I bet this is the student he was tenderly boning! Aria's dad introduces them (he says that Meredith - for that is her name - teaches in his department, so maybe A has her facts wrong) and it is all very awkward. It is mostly awkward because Aria is wearing the most gigantic feather earring I've ever seen. Seriously, it looks like she raided the Museum of Natural History's exhibit about the plight of Native Americans for a feather headdress and then attached it to her ear lobe. You remember the giant feather earrings that Stacy wore in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, before she lost her virginity and got knocked up and then had an abortion and got all sad and started wearing sweatshirts all the time? Those look like piercing studs compared to this thing. It's bigger than my face. And my face is large.

Meredith needs a referral from Aria's dad for something. Meredith has a lot of teeth. What she does not have, however, is a lot of subtlety. Again, my cat, who is actually curled up asleep next to my head right now, just turned over and said, "meow, meow mrow!" which loosely translates to "Meredith totally wants to shack up with Chad Lowe's receding hairline! Also, feed me, plebe."

(Oh, and it seems that Meredith was a student, but has now graduated and is a TA at the college.)

Spencer's House of Broken Engagements. Melissa, the bitchy older sister, is talking to her mom about how she's cancelling the wedding. Spencer comes in and Melissa is not pleased to see her. Melissa makesa big show of throwing out her many wedding magazines. MELISSA!!! Don't throw them out! Send them to me! I love bridal magazines!! I read them for fun! One time last year I bought one in a kiosk in the airport of Jackson, Mississippi and the kiosk attendant asked me when the big day was, and I said, "Oh, I'm not getting married; I just enjoy reading bridal magazines." And then she patted me on the hand and said, "Don't worry, dear. You'll get there." Which is AWESOME! Because what I want second most in life, right behind having a wedding featured in Martha Stewart's Weddings, is to be pitied by a KIOSK ATTENDANT at the Medgar Evers Jackson International Airport.

Anyway. Melissa's upset about all the cancelling she has to do. She had to change her status on Facebook! And now Melissa and Spencer are fighting. Spencer is innocent! It wasn't her fault that Wren put his tongue down her throat! She gets upset and throws out her muffin . . . further ruining the bridal magazines in the trash! First the magazines and now the baked goods? YOU GIRLS ARE HORRIBLE. There are starving, wedding-loving people out there - namely me - and you are just going to throw it all away? I HATE YOU.

School. Mona is offering Hanna some lipstick in a shade of red that my grandmother would have called "a bit much, dear." Sean the PK shows up and there's some talk about a party tomorrow. Mona snarks on Hanna's virginal status. Oh, stuff it, Mona.

Emily the Lesbian is chaining up her bike. Maya the Vampire Slayer comes over to flirt some more. Get a room, girls! Ugh, now Emily's stupid Jorts-wearing boyfriend has shown up to talk about the stupid party. Emily invites Maya to the party. Yay! Maybe there will be kissing!

Hallways. Aria and Hot Teacher Hookup make sex eyes at each other. Subtle. Aria comes over to talk to Spencer, who's stressed about her AP Russian History class, which is a class that I'm presuming they offer in approximately zero American high schools. Just then, Jenna comes down the hall, led by a tall boy.

Jenna and Toby

Flashback! Drink! It's just after Ali has blown up Jenna's house, and that tall boy is carrying Jenna (who is clutching at her eyes) out of the fiery house. I bet that's Jenna's brother who Ali claims was spying on them!

And now Maya the Vampire Slayer, i.e. our Method of Exposition, asks Emily who the boy is. It's Toby Cavenaugh! And, now that I've gotten a good look at his face, well . . . he's a little rough-looking, is our Toby. It seems the number of hot guys on this show is staying squarely at 1.

Toby used to go to school at Rosewood, but he got sent to reform school. Why? Because everyone thinks it was him that set fire to the garage. Oh, this isn't going to end well.

And now Jerky Detective shows up to school and pulls Hanna out for a chat. Just as she leaves, Jenna walks by and says something mildly snarky to the girls. Jenna has pretty cool shades on.

Jerky Detective laughs in the face of due process

School. Jerky Detective is showing Hanna an old yearbook. He's "observing" that Hanna's lost a lot of weight and started styling her hair differently. Hanna claims that Alison helped her look more popular, and that one did not compete with Alison . . .

Flashback! Drink! Hanna and Alison are in the cafeteria, and Ali is encouraging Hanna to ask someone something. Oh, this is going to end well. Hanna gets up the nerve to approach Sean the PK and ask him out for a date. Alison toally walks up and steals Ali's thunder by subtly asking Sean out in front of Hanna. This is because Ali is a bitch.

Present day. Hanna and Jerky Detective are tense around each other. Hanna questions Jerky Detective's policing ability, as well as his towel-wearing abilities. Hanna, I assure you, his towel-wearing abilities are quite well-developed.

Hallway. One of the girls stops for a little PRODUCT PLACEMENT (drink!). Aria will be using her KIN, which is apparently a phone that lets you track down your "social network" as if ANYONE WOULD EVER WANT TO DO THAT, in order to "write on Hanna's wall." Hanna shows up (this is the magic of the Kin?) and apparently she and Jerky Detective have been in the office for an hour. Maybe Hanna is learning from her mother about how to throw a detective off the trail?

Classroom. Aria follows Hot Teacher Hookup into his (empty) classroom and asks him out to a gallery opening at the Art Gallery ofHolly Marie Combs, Child Bride. He's not so sure that's a good idea. Now they're touching hands. Aw. Well, she's got good taste, anyway.

I just realized that Aria's dad is called Byron and her Hot Teacher Hookup is called Ezra. Are you fucking kidding me with this?

Brownstone steps. Wren and Spencer are hanging out and drinking tea. Spencer has come to NYC and wants Wren to tell Melissa what really happened. I'm not sure Spencer is wearing any pants. Wren doesn't think his explanation will help. And then he hits on her some more. Spencer books it away.

Locker Room. Emily is changing from her swimming gear and hears a ruckus. She investigates and finds her Jorts-wearing boyfriend. What's he doing in the girl's locker room? He "romantically" gets in her personal space. She is clearly uninterested. Then she tells him to stop. He's not stopping . . . until Toby Cavenaugh comes and tackles him. Hang on, what is Toby doing in the girl's locker room? Emily dumps her rapey Jorts-wearing boyfriend, but good!

Art Gallery of Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride. Aria comes in with french bread to find Meredith hanging out with her mom. Oh, that's probably not a good idea. Meredith is making plans to hang out with Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride. Aria tells Meredith off.

Hanna's house. She's leaving for the party. Jerky Detective makes subtle bondage-type remarks in Hanna's direction. Then he . . . goes through her purse. He finds the friendship bracelet that Alison gave to all the girls. Jerky Detective thinks Hanna is keeping secrets. Drink! Hanna's mom tells her Jerky Detective john off. And then she kicks him out! Fucking FINALLY.

Party. Hanna looks bored, as her boyfriend plays foosball. Oh, Hanna. This is only the beginning. Wait till college. Emily and Maya the Vampire Slayer show up to the party. When are those two going to kiss?

Spencer's house. She is trying to write her paper. And then she decides to go into Melissa's laptop (conveniently left open) and steals her paper about the Russian revolution. Oh, Spencer. This is not going to work, kid.

Melissa and their mother come home. Melissa is still pretty pissed. I guess Wren's explanation has fallen upon bitchy, deaf ears.

Commercial for some show about gymnastics. Why do fake gymnasts never look like gymnasts? I mean they're always like 6 feet tall girls with barely defined triceps.

Party. Spencer has arrived, and Emily is explaining the earlier fight to the girls. Spencer does not think that Toby is a nice guy, but Emily wonders why, if Toby's so mean, he took the fall for the garage thing. The girls plan to discuss this further tomorrow, so they can draw this episode out. Everyone walks away, and Spencer sees Toby.

Flashback! (Drink!) Ali is threatening Toby and telling him to take the blame for the garage. Then Ali shows her winning personality by making fun of Hanna and calling her fat. Nice.

Party. After a long staring contest, Toby smiles at Spencer and walks away.

Hanna has absconded with Sean the PK and is finally making her move in some sort of shed. They will now commence doing it.

Photobooth. (There's a photobooth at a high school party?) Emily and Maya flirt some more while taking photos. And then! Finally! KISSAGE!! Except, whoops, the photobooth took a picture. Which . . .. someone steals.

The Shed of Making Sex. Sean the PK is not really feeling the whole boning thing. Hanna's not so pleased about this. Mostly because she figures Sean isn't that into her, cause she used to be chubby. Sean likes old, chubby Hanna, but isn't so keen on new, popular, desperate Hanna. I don't think the sex will be successfully made tonight.

Art Gallery of Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride. Aria is there, helping out. And then Meredith shows up! Wearing a very tight dress. Ugh, Meredith, you are kind of a bitch! Aria tells Meredith to leave, and Meredith TOTALLY Face Hards her and is all "Whatever, kid, I'm a grown woman and I'm about to go befriend your mother and then rub my labia upon your father's face. See ya!"

Party of Infinite Foosball. Hanna gets a text from A. "Hefty Hanna never gets the guy." GO KILL YOURSELF, A! Hanna's pretty sad about this, so she steals the keys from Sean the PK's coat and drives away from the party.

Apartment of Hot Teacher Hookup. Aria shows up, sadfaced. Aria, you should be happy. Sure, Meredith is a skank who's trying to screw your dad - WHO IS CHAD LOWE SO SHE HAS LIKE THE WORST TASTE EVS - but at least you finally ditched those horrible earrings. Hot Teacher Hookup comforts Aria. This time he comforts her with a hug, instead of with his penis.

Whoops! Looks like Hanna has wrecked Sean the PK's car! She looks pretty sad about that. She walks away from the car, crying.

Maya drops Emily off and drives away (even though Maya lives across the street, so, whatever, Continuity). Toby is sitting on the steps to what I presume is his house. She awkwardly thanks him for saving her from being raped. Then she walks away. Then the screen shifts over to reveal Jenna, hidden in shadows. Jenna quite nosily asks Toby why Emily would be thanking him. Man! Mind your own beeswax, Jenna!

Morning. Foliage. The girls have gathered to go to the shed again. Spencer is telling everyone that Ali had something over Toby - no idea what - and that's how she got him to take the fall for the garage.

The girls talk about memorializing Ali somewhere in town. Then they hear sticks cracking again. They run to a clearing in the woods and find . . . Alison's friendship bracelet. Dun Dun Dun!

Computer printer. A gloved hand takes out a printout of the Emily and Maya kissing photo and pins it up on the wall . . . right next to the 300 other copies of the photo.

That's it for this week, kids! Have we learned anything new, other than that 16 year old boys will pick foosball over sex? Join us next week as we find out more about A, our Barbershop Quartet of Secrets, and just how skanky Meredith can get.

Erin Callahan's photo About the Author: Erin is loud, foul-mouthed, an unrepentant lover of trashy movies and believes that champagne should be an every day drink. When she isn't drowning in a sea of engineers for whom Dilbert is still uproariously funny, she's writing about books, tv, the cult of VC Andrews and more.
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