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If You’re Going To {Be Locked Up For Years In an Attic}, Put a Flower In Your Hair: FITA Ch 4-6

Erin reviews Flowers In the Attic (Ch 4-6) by V.C. Andrews, which further makes her anticipate the demise of NIECES WHO MARRY HALF-BROTHER UNCLES.

If You’re Going To {Be Locked Up For Years In an Attic}, Put a Flower In Your Hair: FITA Ch 4-6

You know what's great about Flowers in the Attic? Just like Big Brother makes you feel like none of your crazy roommates were all that bad, Flowers in the Attic makes you feel like your family and romantic relationships are actually the bee's knees. I mean, check it. None of the people in my family have ever:

•  married their siblings or cousins (and I'm from Mississippi, y'all)

•  locked anyone up in an attic (mostly cause we're too poor to afford houses with big attics)

•  tarred anyone

Nor have I ever dated anyone who was:

•  my sibling

•  my legal guardian

•  a crazy ballet dancer

•  my mother's second husband

SUCCESS!!! I am so totally superior to the characters in Flowers in the Attic! Yay! I'm a winner!

Read on to see what these crazy inbred freaks are up to this week!

Chapter 4: The Attic

In the deep shade, at the farther end of the room, a figure ran backwards and forwards. What it was, whether beast or human being, one could not, at first sight tell - Charlotte Brontë

Number of Drinks Taken: 13
Number of Drinks Chugged: 4
Number of Shots Taken: 4

Chapter Summary: Well, gosh golly day! Living in a tiny room in a mansion with my two brothers and sister is sort of boring! So Chris and I dragged the twins up to the attic, where we can laugh and run and play all day! Except, it's sort of dusty up there and the twins hate it. Oh well! We'll soon solve that! Christopher hung some swings up in the attic, and he sure did look all sexy and strong up there on that rooftop beam. He's so swoony!

Anyway, after we got dirty and dusty for a while, we went back downstairs to our room and cleaned ourselves up. I took a bath while Christopher watched me, and then I started crying so he'd come hug me in the bathtub. But there's nothing wrong with that! That's perfectly normal! Lots of teenage siblings get naked around each other!

The Creepy Award Goes To: Ugh, Christopher, AS PER UZH. FIRST he is totally a douchenugget with regards to how HE feels a woman's body should look, then he makes fun of Cathy's fear of bugs (dude, bugs are creepy when they're inside! I'm not afraid of them if I'm outdoors, but I don't want them as guests in my home unless they're bringing a bottle of wine) and to top it all off, he totally stares at his sister while she's naked in the bathtub. In! Appropriate!

Notes from the Margin:

"Now," he continued with admiring eyes, "that is what you call an hourglass figure. See the wasp waist, the ballooning hips, and the swelling bosom? Inherit a shape like that, Cathy, and you will make a fortune."

CHRISTOPHER I HATE YOU. Keep your stupid fucking thoughts about what "shape" your TWELVE YEAR OLD SISTER should have to yourself! I hope your balls get chewed off by a St. Bernard puppy. A SAINT BERNARD!

"We humans are the masters, the supreme rulers over all."

Jesus, I hate Christopher so much that he makes me want to be a vegetarian. AND I LOVE MEAT!

Desperate to see the ground, to see how far we were above it, and if we jumped how many bones we'd break.

I too am desperate to see how many bones you'd break!! Please, jump! And then report back! In as brief syntax as possible!

And it wouldn't really hurt anyone if Christopher talked tome while I bathed. We weren't adults - yet. It wasn't the same as "using" the bathroom together.

Oh, you're totes right, Cathy. Having your post-pubescent brother watching you bathe yourself is not NEARLY as bad as, like, PEEING in front of each other!

He was stroking my wet back, and when I turned to see his profile, he looked dreamy, wistful.

He's probably thinking about how, in three years, he's gonna rape you and then blame it on you for walking around naked all the time. It's amazing that even though Christopher will have been cut off from all outside society for four years, he'll still instinctively know how to blame the victim. How . . . comforting?

In God's place, from His all-seeing perspective, I wouldn't waste my time looking at four fatherless children locked up in a bedroom.

Well, Cathy, lucky for you, God is ALL SEEING and thus doesn't actually have to pick and choose who he looks at (P.S. I am pretty sure He doesn't have a spyglass, but who knows?). But, to blaspheme for a moment, I'm pretty sure that if God is watching you, he's screaming for a double whiskey, neat, and asking St Peter if free will was really such a good idea, if it produced this dreck. "Seriously, tell me the truth, Pete. Don't feel like you have to sugar coat it, just cause I can cast you down to Hell anytime I want. Besides, I'll know if you're lying."

Chapter Five: The Wrath of God

Mama may have, Papa may have / but God bless the child that's got his own - Billie Holiday

Number of Drinks Taken: 18
Number of Drinks Chugged: 2
Number of Shots Taken: 5

Chapter Summary: Well, jeepers! Grandmother and momma finally came to visit us, but neither of them seemed really happy! Momma was walking all stiffly, like she sometimes did the morning after the day Daddy would come back from a really long trip. We all hugged her, but she was super quiet. And then Cory and Carrie decided they wanted to pitch a fit, because they're four, and they ran up and kicked the grandmother in the shins! Except, then she totally lifted Carrie up by her hair and then tossed her aside, and then she hit Cory so hard he flew across the room. Jeepers! I wonder if I should do anything to help my four-year-old siblings from being beaten by a 6 foot tall woman built like a linebacker! Eh, I'd rather focus on how in love with our mother Christopher is. Let the twins cry.

Then Grandmother made our Momma take off her shirt! That's weird, since previously Grandmother had told us all we could never look at each other naked! But then Momma turned around and we all got to see how she was whipped all up and down her back. Golly. This place sure is weird!

The Creepy Award Goes To: Corrine, again, forever, AD NAUSEUM. I'm sorry, you're just going to SIT THERE while your 4-year-old children get their asses handed to them by your mother? I'm sorry, BUT NO. I mean, I know what you might be thinking - this is a lot like a domestic abuse situation in which one parent can't protect the children from the abuse of the other parent, because they live in fear, and I would agree with you, EXCEPT: I bet at no time is a battered spouse looking at their partner beating the hell out of their kids and thinking, "gosh, only a few more weeks of this, and these kids will be dead and I can inherit millions of dollars!"

Notes from the Margin:

Did we kiss her too much? Did our eager, hungry, clinging embraces make her wince from pain, or from the obligations?

They probably made her wince from the display of affection! Children! Reign yourselves in! You are WASPs, for corn's sake! WASPs do not display emotion! We politely greet each other with a firm handshake and say things like, "Mother, I was saddened to learn of your terminal cancer. Do tell me what I may do to ease your pain, so long as it is convenient to my schedule." And then you throw in a "Bless your heart, you are so brave to go outside the house not wearing makeup!" if you are a Southern WASP.

"Now take off your blouse, daughter, and show those who disobey just how punishment is dealt out in this house!"

"This book is dedicated to my mother." I'M JUST SAYIN'.

"If you are cruel to my children," began Momma in a voice that quavered, "I will take them out of this house tonight, and you will never see them, or me, again."

Well, then, DO THAT! Oh, wait, if you did that then this book would mercifully end in five more pages and also V.C. Andrews wouldn't be able to show the world how devious her mind is for another 12 books until her death, at which time that one dude takes over and continues writing even more effed up books? Oh. Well.

My eyes bulged at the sight of those pitiful welts on the creamy tender flesh that our father had handled with so much love and gentleness.

EEW HOW DO YOU KNOW HOW HE HANDLED HER CREAMY (drink) TENDER FLESH?????

"We will dole out food, drink, and shelter, but never kindness, sympathy or love. It's impossible to feel anything but revulsion for what is not wholesome."

OMG just like Big Brother! Grandmother is totally Davina McCall (this is because anyone who prefers the US Big Brother over the FAR SUPERIOR UK Big Brother is MISSING THEIR MARBLES.)!!!! When will Nikki show up????

He'd already told me that when he grew up, he'd marry a woman like our mother.

And he will. And that woman will be you. And he will be a creepster for the rest of his days.

Chapter Six: Momma's Story

Up against the wall redneck mother - Jerry Jeff Walker

Number of Drinks Taken: 12
Number of Drinks Chugged: 1
Number of Shots Taken: 11

Chapter Summary: Jeepers! Momma's been telling us all about how she and Daddy met and fell in love. Somehow I've gone 12 years of my life without ever asking my parents how they met, but I guess they wouldn't tell me, even if I had. Because even though Momma says it was beautiful and right, it sounds sort of creepy!

So it turns out that Daddy was actually the half-brother of my Grandfather! Daddy's dad was Malcolm, who is also my Grandfather's dad. Malcolm got remarried at the age of 55 to a sixteen year old girl named Alicia, which apparently nobody found creepy at all, and then they had Daddy. But then Malcolm died, so Daddy and Alicia moved in to Grandfather and Grandmother's mansion for a while. But then they moved out again just after Momma was born. huh. What a strange coincidence!

Anyway, then later on, when Daddy was 17 and Momma was 14, Daddy's mom died and he came to live at the mansion. And he was totally handsome! And he and Momma fell in love! That's not weird, at all! Then they got married when Momma turned 18, and Momma's parents disowned them and said any children they had would be demon spawn. But we're not demon spawn! We're perfect! Momma said so! She said if God were trying to punish us, he'd have made us ugly! But we're beautiful, so that must mean it's totally okay to marry your uncle!

The Creepy Award Goes To: UM obvs to Corrine and Garland Christopher Foxworth! You do not marry your uncle (who is actually your half-brother, but I'll give you a pass on that one, since you don't know that yet)! Uncles, you do not marry your nieces!! Please! Let's not do this, okay?! I like my uncles, and all, but you know, I don't want to MARRY THEM! That would be GROSS! AND ALSO, Corrine Foxworth Dollenganger Whatever Your Name Is, I pretty much hate you forever for that "mentally retarded" remark, JUST SO YOU KNOW. (see below)

Notes from the Margin:

" . . . and sometimes he'd push me in the swing, or I'd push him, and sometimes we'd stand on the swing and work it with our legs . . ."

All that and more, folks, from Sex Swing 101: Pleasure on the Playground! Available on DVD and Blu-Ray for only $19.99! Order now, and we'll throw in some penis-shaped lollipops, to bring out the kid in you!

". . . he could never use the master's degree he earned, for it had his rightful name on it, and we had to hide who we were from the world."

WHY? This is 1960-something! Al Gore hasn't even invented the internet yet! What were his prospective employers gonna do, Google him?

Fairy tales can come true!

Yes. Particularly the kind where beautiful maidens are imprisoned, fattened with sweets, and then shoved into ovens for a tasty and delicious snack!

"I don't know what he'll want, darling, but whatever I have to do, I will do. Somehow he must include me in his will."

Why don't you try a little thing called GETTING A JOB!!! Oh my God, Corrine Dollenganger has turned me into my father! GET A JOB, YOU SELFISH LAZY IDIOT! And quit letting all the bought air out; you think money grows on trees?

"So if God wanted to punish us, he had four chances to give us deformed or mentally retarded children. Instead, he gave us the very best.

So, what, children with special needs or cleft palates or whatever are actually curses from God? You know what, Corrine? DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE. (Oh wait! You will! HA HA HA!)

She drew Chris close against her breast . . . "Thank you for understanding, my son," she said in a husky whisper.

AUGH! Do not speak in husky whispers to your son!! I know from my Sweet Valley High learnings that when someone speaks in a husky whisper, tender kissing is sure to follow! Stop!! STOP!!

"I want you to repeat after me: We are perfect children. Mentally, physically, emotionally . . ."

I am like 99.9999% sure that this was the pledge that Hitler's Youth Army recited. It concluded with, "Now let's go kill some Jews and gays. And then we can have ice cream!"

 

That's it for this week! If you take away no other lessons this week, please remember that doing the s-e-x with your relatives is A BAD THING. But don't worry! Even if it IS bad, God won't punish you with a kid with learning disabilities or physical handicaps! So it's all good! Yay!

Erin Callahan's photo About the Author: Erin is loud, foul-mouthed, an unrepentant lover of trashy movies and believes that champagne should be an every day drink. When she isn't drowning in a sea of engineers for whom Dilbert is still uproariously funny, she's writing about books, tv, the cult of VC Andrews and more.
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