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Teen Choice Awards

What happens when teens are given a choice? Terrible, terrible entertainment. Oh, and awards.

Teen Choice Awards

Last night, Erin and I made a GREAT SACRIFICE for FYA. That's right, we watched the Teen Choice Awards. Yes. FOR YOU GUYS. You can pay us back in champ cans.

ANYWAY, we thought we were going to be very clever and just cut and paste our Facebook chat in and call it a day, but Facebook is SATAN'S SOCIAL NETWORK and deleted a good 2/3 of our chat. Which was hilarious, by the by, and featured, amongst other things, gentle snarking of Henri's shoe obsession.

So, because our chat was lost, we're going to attempt to recreate parts of it by explaining our reactions to things happening on the screen. Read on, won't you?

Early on in the program, we realized we were definitely going to need more alcohol to make it through. So, we did what we do, i.e. created a drinking game. There were only four rules. That was all we needed.

Drink anytime:

•  you want to throw something at Katy Perry.

•  you say, " . . . who?" in response to an introduction of a person or band

•  you want to change the channel

•  they mention Justin Bieber

Yep, that was it! It was all we needed! In fact, if you're playing along at home, allow us to help you out a little:

Drink.

Drink!

Drink!

DRINK SOME MORE! DRINK ALL OF THE DRINKS! STOP TOUCHING KURT!

Anyway, we digress. Join us for some thoughts and feelings about the 2010 Teen Choice Awards!!

Sandy and Betty getting down.

Jenny: I want to be Betty White. And since I'm already getting dotty, maybe my wish will come true v.v. soon.

Erin: I want to be old and crotchety. That way when I say rude things to people, they'll just think I'm cute.

Erin: Is it wrong if I confess that I watch the shit out of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, and all other Kardashian-related ventures? I shamelessly love them. Particularly Khloe. She's like the Jolly Sarcastic Giant.

Zac Efron does something.

Erin: I'm going to need Zac Efron to stop looking like that. I do not need to start liking Zac Efron.

Jenny: Um, yeah, I have never, ever, ever found him attractive. Until this moment. Is it sad that I kind of want him to grow that mustache a bit more and start looking like a gay porn star?

PACEY!!!!!!!!!

Erin: PACEY!! PAAAAAAAAAAAAAACEEEEEEEYYY!!! Okay, I'm sorry, I'll stop.

Justin Bieber dressed as an astronaut.

Jenny: Oh, Justin Bieber! I thought they were saying Beaver-Fever... which was way racier than I would have thought the Teen Choice Awards to be.

Erin: I thought his whole thing was that he was supposed to be a good singer? Wasn't that the thing? He sounds . . . horrible.

Jenny: Yeah, my dog could hit those notes. And she's cuter. Case in point:

I could have put up a picture of her as a puppy, but you all would have been blinded by the cuteness. Even here, cold and wet, she beats Bieber hands down!

(I suppose I could be biased, however.)

We thought the bottles might be Boone's Farm

Jenny: They have to be. That's the only way they got people to come to this thing!

The only vampires we like.

Jenny: Ian Somerhalder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you Damon!!!

We dubbed this person Yoko.

Jenny: Drink!

Erin: Go back to living off your dead husband's legacy, Yoko, NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE.

Money is falling from the SKY.

Erin: This! Was a song I knew! When he grows up, he wants to be a biiillionaaaaire. Me too, guy! Me too!  

Now for the part Facebook didn't delete!

Eddie C looked like this the ENTIRE TIME. Smile, Cullen!

8:24pm Erin: Did Edward Cullen just A) dis Twilight and then b) diss Nicholas Sparks?

8:25pm Jenny: Yes, I think maybe he did. Crap, I'm not taping it, so I can't rewind!

8:25pm Erin: Edward Cullen, I'm back to thinking of you as Cedric Diggory!

8:26pm Jenny: Oh Cedric. I loved you. In the movie, only.

8:26pm Erin: Yeah, he was a dick in the book. You know who I miss? Oliver Wood. That guy was hot.

8:27pm Jenny: Okay, no, he didn't dis Nicholas Sparks, it was Nicholas Mumblemumble, whoever wrote or directed Remember Me.

8:28pm Erin: Oh well, then, I don't like you as much, Edward.

What? Why? What?

8:30pm Jenny: Drink!

8:30pm Erin: Why is Katy Perry dressed like me circa 1993? DON'T TOUCH MY PUCK!!

(now there is some stuff about choice country singer or something, and Emma Roberts was introduced as a country singer)

8:30pm Erin: Emma Roberts is a country singer now?

(William Moseley appears to hand out an award)

8:30pm Erin: PEETA!!!!!!

8:30pm Jenny: Who WROTE this! Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!! Peeta!!!!

8:31pm Erin: PEETA WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR HAIR?

8:31pm Jenny: Yeah, wait a second! I retract that scream. Cut your hair Peeta!

8:31pm Erin: It's okay, he'll have to cut it before going in the arena.

8:32pm Jenny: And WHY is he presenting a country music award?

8:32pm Erin: I am like 98% sure Martina McBride has been nominated every year for this thing.

(Taylor Swift wins favorite country singer. The world reacts with overwrought surprise.)

Taylor's acceptance video, in which she surfs in a lake.

8:32pm Jenny: Of course she did.

8:32pm Erin: Oh, Emma Roberts, you can't hide that hatred! Gosh she's pretty. I hate her. But she's so pretty.

8:33pm Jenny: I know aawww, that was kind of cute.

8:34pm Erin: She actually wasn't bad in Valentine's Day (which clearly I did not watch in theatres). She should just be an actress and never sing.

Chuck and Sarah are slumming it.

8:34pm Erin: I really don't understand the Yoko thing but Chuck!

8:34pm Jenny: Or as I like to call him, Clark Kent.

Beckham wins something about being an athlete. Who cares! Take off your kit!

8:36pm Jenny: Is David Beckham still playing?

8:36pm Erin: I think he's injured?

8:36pm Jenny: Aww, he's got his kids! Take off your shirt?

8:37pm Erin: Awwww, they're cute.

8:37pm Jenny: I meant !!!!

8:37pm Erin: Yes, please!

8:42pm Jenny: So this is almost over, and I feel like it never even started.

8:42pm Erin: What have we learned, Jenny?

Cat Deeley! Twitch! Unfortunate Katy Perry-shaped person in the foreground!

8:42pm Erin: Cat! Twitch!

8:43pm Jenny: Aawww.

8:43pm Erin: I love me some Cat Deeley. Even when she was in England and dressed like a lesbian. Actually, more then.

8:43pm Jenny: We've re-learned that we love alcohol.

8:43pm Erin: We have. I had forgotten it for a second.

8:43pm Jenny: Yeah, I like her better less-glam.

8:43pm Erin: KE$HA! NO!!!

8:44pm Jenny: Lady Gaga!!!!! wtf?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is stupid.

8:44pm Erin: I think this was how they got her to host?

8:44pm Jenny: Even teenagers should know that Lady Gaga is better than Katy.

8:45pm Erin: Why is she dressed like this? Twitch is upset.

8:45pm Jenny: Supposedly, it's one of the Glee boys' fantasy.

P.S. UPDATE: We now know it was Diddy, but, like, lighting was dim.

8:45pm Erin: Who are these people?

8:45pm Jenny: Who? Drink!

8:46pm Erin: Lady Gaga is too scary for the non-LGBT teens.

8:48pm Jenny: I want to see the audience doing this dance.

8:48pm Erin: There's so very much going on on this stage.

8:51pm Jenny: And none of it is very good.

8:52pm Erin: We need an FYA dance.

8:52pm Jenny: Yes we do!!!

8:52pm Erin: I could totally choreograph one.

8:52pm Jenny: Awesome! Then we could film it at the slumber party!

8:53pm Erin: I want a drinking game everytime I have to see an Eat. Pray. Love. preview. It took so much to avoid the book, and now I have to avoid the movie too?

8:54pm Jenny: Whoah, Edward Cullen likes the guy from The Office. Jake should never have long hair.

8:55pm Erin: Never ever. KStew didn't win anything, did she?

8:56pm Jenny: Nope!

8:59pm Jenny: Well. That's over.

8:59pm Erin: Oh, it's over. So. That was a thing. I like how we are now going over the "highlights" that just happened.

 

And that's that, folks! Did you watch the Teen Choice Awards? What'd you think? Are you also vaguely attracted to Zac Efron now? ISN'T IT SCARY??

Jenny Bird's photo About the Author: Jenny grew up on a steady diet of Piers Anthony, Isaac Asimov and Star Wars novels. She has now expanded her tastes to include television, movies, and YA fiction.
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