It has recently come to our attention that the Hunger Games are no longer limited to the unfortunate tributes of Panem. That's right, my friends, YOU TOO CAN BE BLUDGEONED TO DEATH BY A 10-YEAR-OLD IN THE ARENA!
I have to admit, I've actually considered buying the HG board game, but only for cocktail-swilling, slumber party purposes. And according to my hipster friends, mass market consumption isn't selling out as long as you do it with a sense of sarcastic irony. Hooray!
Plus, isn't an influx of merch tie-ins a sign that hunger games has truly MADE IT? After all, Twilight's worldwide domination was pretty much clinched when Edward took over that chalky icon of American candies, Sweethearts.
I may or may not happen to have a box of these staring at me right now from my bookshelf. But it's ok, because IT'S IRONIC! And also, I love candy.
So this new board game got me thinking: now that Scholastic has begun merchandising Hunger Games in order to
sell out attract more readers, what other exciting products can we expect? Grab yr Panem express cards and join me in a journey through the Hunger Games Skymall Catalog!
The Katniss Bow & Arrow Set
Why undergo years of hunting practice when you're guaranteed to hit something the instant you buy this totally lethal weapon? Set includes President Snow target but does NOT include any common sense. Then again, Katniss seems to do ok without it!
Peeta's Bag O' Berries
Not only is this gummy candy delicious, every bag also contains a surprise poison berry, making it the perfect snack to share with yr frenemy!
"Hug Me To Death" Mutant Monkey
Boy, those arena monkeys sure know how to hold on tight! Whether you're fighting for survival or snuggling up in bed, this plush cuddle partner will never leave yr side.
Flames of Rebellion Formal Wear (from the Cinna Couture Collection)
Cinna's designs are perfect for any occasion, from cocktail parties to fomenting a national revolution, because regardless of where you are, there will be no doubt that you're wearing the hottest dress in town!
Capable of storing up to five minutes of audio, this hi-tech little birdie can drill into the deepest fears and insecurities of your friends, resulting in hours of psychotic enjoyment!
The Tribute Tree Bed
You too can sleep in a tree and avoid brutal death at the hands of the careers, just like Katniss! Although this may look like an ordinary hammock, we've inserted a tiny Mockingjay™ logo on the upper right hand corner, instantly transforming this regular piece of camping equipment into an Official Hunger Games Survival Tool™. Available in dark green, dark brown, dark moss or camouflage. Collect all four!
The Seam Healer Kit
Who doesn't love playing doctor? Modeled after the tools used by Mrs Everdeen, this kit comes with a variety of random herbs with crazyass names. Sure, it's pretty much impossible to cure the black lung with a few leaves, but it sure is fun to try!
Haymitch Premium Whiskey
Tested for over 40 years by Haymitch himself, this golden liquor is powerful enough to block out any memories of murder and/or gouged eyes while going down smooth and easy. It's just like our slogan says: With Haymitch, every day is a party!
Katniss' Engagement Ring
JUST KIDDING. Esp. cos this monstrosity wouldn't earn Peeta a "yes" so much as a slap upside the head.
So, did I miss any incredibly awesome ways of saturating the market with shiteous Hunger Games merch? LET THE SHOPPING SPREE CONTINUE IN THE COMMENTS!
Check out our Hunger Games themed t-shirts!