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The Official Mockingjay TEABS Survival Guide (Ok, It’s a Drinking Game)

A guide to surviving Mockingjay TEABS (The End of an Awesome Book Syndrome).

The Official Mockingjay TEABS Survival Guide (Ok, It’s a Drinking Game)

Now that you've finished Mockingjay, do you find yrself experiencing any of the following symptoms?

•  Spontaneous fits of uncontrollable sobbing

•  Hours spent staring blankly at a wall

•  An inability to converse about topics unrelated to Hunger Games

•  An extreme aversion to white roses

•  Constantly referring to yr pet as "Buttercup"

If you meet any of these criteria, it is extremely possible that you have developed a serious case of The End of an Awesome Book Syndrome, also known as TEABS. And while this disease has the potential to cause massive amounts of damage to yr heart, brain and what scientists like to call "human spirit," it is definitely treatable, if not curable. As TEABS survivors, we're here to tell you that it IS possible to overcome this tragic disease, which is why we've put together this guide of healthy tips and steps you can take to beat this sickness and reclaim yr life! So take charge of yr recovery and read on!

CONGRATULATIONS! By clicking on this blog post, you just took yr first step towards TEABS recovery. Pat yrself on the back, and remember: no matter how painful this road becomes, you will never be as effed up as Katniss Everdeen. PERSPECTIVE Y'ALL.

Since TEABS affects everyone differently, we urge you to choose the tips that work best for you. Feel free to tailor your therapy to directly address your severest symptoms, and if you think this means I'm giving you a free pass to drink excessively, you are obvs v. familiar with this site and YES.

CUE INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC THAT WILL IN NO WAY REMIND YOU OF THE HANGING TREE.

There Are Other Books Out There

Step 1: Allow yrself to acknowledge that, in time, you will be able to love other books again. While nothing can replace Hunger Games, you have plenty of room in yr YA-lovin' heart for more favorites.

Step 2: Look in the mirror and tell yourself: "I am an awesome reader! And lots of books will appreciate being read by me!"

Step 3: Wean yrself off HG carefully by choosing a highly rated book with a similar theme or character. For example, if you're still craving dystopia, give The Knife of Never Letting Go or The Enemy a try. If you need to connect with another lovable asshole of a heroine, go no further than the Jessica Darling series. And, as always, you can find plenty of new fish in the sea via our site! In fact, consider us the eHarmony of YA readership.

Step 4: If all else fails, reach out to the books you know best, the ones that have never let you down. Sure, re-reading the entire Harry Potter series may bring on a whole new bout of TEABS, but at least yr conversational repertoire will expand to more than just Peeta vs. Gale.

It Takes a Village

Step 1: Log onto FYA and read the zillion comments generated by our Mockingjay posts. YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!! Feel free to contribute yr own two cents to the conversation because YOU MATTER.

Step 2: Proceed to the caf and settle down at the local FYA v. important business meetings table. There you will have the opportunity to find other people who live in your same town (or state) so that you can actually meet up!

Step 3: Attend a local FYA v. important business meeting and pour yr heart out about every single detail in Mockingjay to a REAL LIVE PERSON! Who has also read Mockingjay! And therefore UNDERSTANDS!

Step 4: After drying yr collective bloodshot eyes, form a group hug and then buy each other shots of tequila and spend the rest of the night slurring to each other, "I luf you somuch. I would take yr plash inthe hungrames in a HEARBEAT!"

YAngelism

Step 1: Harness yr TEABS angst and transform it into raw energy. We recommend meditation, Red Bull or plain old fashioned hard drinking.

Step 2: Target a friend or loved one who has not yet read the Hunger Games.

Step 3: Unleash yr energy upon him/her in the form of incessant references to HG until he/she finally breaks down and reads it.

Step 4: Realize that you're actually spreading TEABS instead of curing it, but hey, misery loves company!

Candy Is Dandy But Liquor Is Quicker

Who am I kidding, this isn't yr last resort. This is probably YR FIRST RESORT. and for good reason, because ALCOHOL WORKS. Sure, it may send you straight into a tragic, cardboard housed existence on the streets (Lifetime told me so), not to mention the potential for liver damage, but for now, nothing matters except NUMBING THE PAIN OF TEABS OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE FINNICK IS DEAD SOMEONE STAB ME IN THE BRAIN WITH A TRIDENT AND MAKE IT STOP.

Step 1: Mix up yr fave HG cocktail and keep it in a flask for easy access.

Step 2: Drink every time you:

•  say the word "mockingjay" (Look, you want this therapy to be effective, right?)

•  ask a coworker if they've read the Hunger Games

•  Google Mockingjay, Katniss, Gale, Peeta or "fourth Hunger Games book"

•  post a comment on a blog about Mockingjay

Step 3: Take a shot every time you:

•  compare the real world to Panem

•  blame yr problems on President Snow

•  consider signing up for archery lessons

•  purchase a piece of HG merchandise

Step 4: Chug every time you:

•  write a blog post about Mockingjay

•  contemplate writing HG fan fiction

•  act like a dick and then tell people it's because you were "hijacked"

•  dream about naming yr future child after an HG character

Step 5: write a drunken email to FYA to thank us for SAVING YR LIFE. You may, if you so desire, also compare us to Katniss, and we will not consider that a TEABS relapse.

 

And now, to borrow a page out of the "It Takes a Village" section, we invite you, dear readers, to share yr own struggles in the comments. Have you found a way to cope? If so, please offer up yr own TEABS survival advice and encouragement to yr fellow sufferers.

Because together, WE WILL SURVIVE.

(Even if our livers don't. But hey, if Katniss can survive without a spleen, surely we... OH DAMMIT TO HELL)

 

Shameless Self-Promotion!

Check out our Hunger Games themed t-shirts!

Posh Deluxe's photo About the Author: Sarah lives in Austin, TX, where she programs films at the Alamo Drafthouse. Sarah enjoys fancy cocktails, dance parties and anything that sparkles (except vampires).