Here at FYA HQ, we firmly believe in talking the talk AND walking the walk. We don't just read books, WE LIVE IN THEM. We don't just constantly refer to cocktails, WE DRINK THEM.
That's why, after all of our rhapsodizing about slumber parties, we felt like it was HIGH TIME we threw one in real life. And since Meghan lives in a state that is not TX and is therefore too inconsequential to be named, her recent visit to Houston provided the perfect opportunity for the four of us to get together and SLUMBER PARTY IT UP.
Now, I'm sure you're all familiar with the necessary ingredients for a successful sleepover: Doritos, champ cans, a John Hughes movie and smokin' hot gossip. But if you really want to take yr party to the Next Level, you need something more. Something scandalous. Something provocative. Something ridiculously cray cray enough to induce binge drinking.
I'm speaking, of course, about THE SWEET VALLEY HIGH BOARD GAME!
That's right, dear readers, we got our hands on this cardboard masterpiece of strategery and decided to play the all-American blue-eyed SHIZZ out of it!
Besides this vital ingredient, we also included the following bonus factors:
1. Mr. T in his outer space jim jams!
2. Red velvet whoopie pies baked and decorated by our lovely hostess, Meredith (you may know her as The Chatterbox).
3. Peeta's croissants, baked with love (and yeah, a few tears) by Meghan:
4. A plethora of Effies
Because we didn't learn our lesson at the TaleGate, obvs.
5. PARTY PEOPLE!!!!
We quickly discovered that, um, life in Sweet Valley? IT'S COMPLICATED YOU GUYS. I mean, just look at these directions:
I swear you could put together an Ikea desk with that manual.
In order to determine our popularity (i.e. character), we rolled the die, which was a rather deep commentary on social status that I'm pretty sure was not intentional on Milton Bradley's part.
Meredith and Meghan got to be Lila, and we all hated them for it, because SHE'S SO PRETTY:
Erin got Enid, and Jenny got stuck with being Elizabeth. SUCKS TO BE YOU, I.E. ELIZABETH, JENNY.
And guess guess GUESS who got to be the best and most popular girl in school? THAT'S RIGHT BISHES I'M JESSICA!!!!!
Now, the goal of the game is to collect all of the cards that match yr character board by moving around the "school" so that you can have THE BEST AND MOST MAGICAL NIGHT OF YR LIFE. It's obvs that I would need my COUTURE pink dress and corsage, but the teacher thing sorta stumped us. Like, was Ms. Taylor my chaperone? And if so, was it important that I get her because she's the most easy going and wouldn't mind if Bruce Patman and i didn't leave any room for the Holy Spirit?
Of course, we all know that collecting cards isn't the TRUE goal of the game. Because this is Sweet Valley, and the only thing that matters here is proving yr superiority by decimating everyone else's self-esteem. Or, in Elizabeth's case, MEDDLING IN OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS.
We didn't even have to stage this photo, because this ACTUALLY HAPPENED during the game. I KNOW. Thankfully, Lila knew exactly how to handle Elizabeth and her sanctimonious ways:
It's a shame, really, that Milton Bradley doesn't make this game anymore, because kids today could really benefit from the wisdom gained by traipsing around a high school just to find the perfect dress and OMG WHERE ARE THE PROM DECORATIONS. Gah, Mr. T is so lucky that he has us! Otherwise he'll never understand how to properly steal someone's boyfriend!
You'd think that finding all of this stuff would only require an hour or so. I mean, yeah, it's prom, so IT'S A BIG DEAL OBVS, but everything's already inside the school! For some reason! How long can it take?
THREE HOURS. THAT'S HOW LONG IT TAKES. WHAT IS THIS, THE HUNGER GAMES?!!! Actually, by the end, we were totally pulling a Cato, begging each other to just win already and FREE US FROM THIS MISERY.
Lucky for you, I took all of the trauma and scandal we experienced and condensed it into LESS THAN SIX AND A HALF MINUTES. That should tell you something about the vacuousness of this game. And also the number of champ cans/Effies we consumed.
And so, without further ado, I present: FYA vs SVH! PLAY ON PLAYERS!