a million little shitty contracts

The other day, as I was On The Internet, I saw a trailer for I Am Number Four, the movie adaptation (sort of?) of the recent YA novel I Am Number Four. "Alex Pettyfer," I thought to myself. "I wanted so much better for you."

My vague disappointment in the acting career of people I don't know aside, can we talk about how obnoxious it is that we've only just escaped having to see I Am Number Four on the shelves, and now we have to avoid it in the theatres as well? Will the insidious stain of James Frey never cease? Must even my beloved genre and FYA casting favorite Pettyferbe tainted thus?

But Oprah's Least Favorite Thing will not be satisfied with co-authoring hackneyed sci-fi trumped up as YA fiction because he thinks kids are easy marks - nay! He insists on spreading his personal virus throughout the YA publishing world, with what is affectionately known as The Idiot's Guide To Being Sodomized With A Publishing Contract.

Last month, the nitty gritty of former Gawker intern* James Frey's publishing venture, Full Fathom Five, was leaked by New York Magazine. And it sounds like a SUPER SWEET deal for any author looking to break into the business! All you have to do is pitch Frey an idea for a young adult novel, and if he likes it, then he'll totally ask you to write a manuscript! And then he'll give you some notes! And then you make edits! And then he sells the book for MILLIONS OF DOLLARS!! And for all that you get . . . 250 dollars??

Well, you also get 30-40% of the proceeds . . . of something (ebook downloads? movie rights? product placement? probably not.). You don't get the copyright. Hell, sometimes you don't even get the credit. But, don't worry!! If your book idea's a hit, James will totally turn it into a series! But, since you don't own any of it, you won't profit. And you may not even have any control over the sequels.

Man! WHERE DO I SIGN UP?

Don't get me wrong; the publishing business is, after all, a business, and its job is to make money for its stakeholders. But if I want a good product from my employees (let's assume, for the sake of this rant, that I have employees, even though I would be the worst boss evs), then I pay them to produce that product. I don't dick them around and then profit from their hard work without giving them credit! I'm not David Brent.

And hey, there's nothing wrong with writing a book and not getting credit, if that's your choice. My whole dream in life is to become a ghostwriter, mainly so that I can do the fun parts of writing (putting words on page) and none of the crappy parts (having an imagination, being forced to go to book signings). PLUS if I were a ghostwriter, I bet I could meet all sorts of famous, awesome people who want their memoirs written or who are dabbling in genre fiction to satisfy their own enormous ego!! Of course, knowing my luck, I'd end up being stuck with Glenn Beck instead of Tyra Banks.

So, hey, big ups to ghostwriters!

But TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS? I'm sorry, but no. No. If you are that desperate to make money, you should become a sex worker. I promise you that you wouldn't feel as degraded doing that as you would handing over a 65000 word manuscript to someone like Frey so that he can market it into action figures and Michael Bay movies. And you'd make more money doing the sex work! And you'd probably get less syphillis!

But, you know, I understand that everyone has different motivations and goals in life. My ideals are not your ideals. And actually, now that I think about it, 250 dollars WOULD come in handy. I mean, I haven't even finished my Christmas shopping. Hell, for most of my family, I haven't even begun my Christmas shopping. Two hundred and fifty dollars buys a fuckload of zhu zhu pets. (LIES! It buys like three zhu zhu pets. Why are fake hamsters so fucking expensive?)

So, with that in mind, it's only right that I try my hand at a stupid/stupendous James Frey-blessed blood deal! Hey, Jimmy! Take a look at these ideas for FANCY BOOK SERIES FOR YOUNG ADULTS.Steal my souland spin it into gold, fuckface!

BIG MONEY-MAKING BOOK IDEA 1:

A hopelessly misguided, rebellious teen is sexually harassed . . . by his own mother! Can he stop an evil bully and reunite his mother with Crispin Glover before lightning hits the clock tower???? Also features: delightfully loyal doggy, wacky older gentleman with Lots of Knowlege About How Life Works, the soulful works of Huey Lewis.

Series could include: the Wild West! Hoverboards! Libyans!

BIG MONEY-MAKING BOOK IDEA 2:

A group of people, interconnected in implausible ways they'll never actuallylearn about, are survivors a plane crash. No one knows if they're dead or alive. Can they balance hostile Others . . . and their own secretattraction to each other?

Series could include: addendum guides about polar bears, graphic novel of The Incredible Adventures Of Number One and Number Two.

BIG MONEY-MAKING BOOK IDEA 3:

Four young women whose love for reading is only matched by their love for champagne band together to start a book blog that brings the snark back to young adult literature. A benevolent fairy finds a rich market for half-drunken diatribes against crappy book covers and people who don't worship Tiny Cooper, and makes the four women MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. Then the four ladies retire and live on a motherfucking boat.

Series could include: Illicit love affair between Tiny Cooper and T-Pain

I KNOW. I KNOW. Frey might as well just sign over the publishing contract already, am I right?

What about you guys? Desperate for 250 dollars? What's your money-making book idea? Leave 'em in the comments! (Unless you've already signed a deal with Five Fathom Five. In that case, you aren't allowed to talk about your book. Shut up and sit down, plebe!)

*incredibly unsurprising, no? But then, I may be a bit bitter about Gawker this week.