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Oh Sing, Sweet Valley!

In which Erin discovers the long lost Sweet Valley High musical.

Oh Sing, Sweet Valley!

HOLEE SHIT, you guys. Have you ever had an experience in which you sort of take Sassy Gay Friend's advice - Look at your life! Look at your choices! - but instead of being shamed, you think, "How did something this awesome happen to me?!"

I'm sure you have. Your big "my life is awesome" moment probably came when you got a huge job promotion, or had a kid or fell in love or sold your first manuscript or got a Printz or WHATEVER. But mine came this week, when I received a demo cd for the SWEET VALLEY HIGH MUSICAL.

WHAT? Yes. Yes. The Sweet Valley High Musical. It's a THING. A THING THAT EXISTS. AND I HAVE THE DEMO CD.

I know what you're thinking - "Oh, Erin. Anyone can write a musical about Sweet Valley High! I wrote a musical last week about Lila Fowler - the big pop number is 'Ridin' My Lime Green Triumph.'"

And I'm sure you're right - I myself have written one rousing soon-to-be-Tony-award-winning hit song about the Wakefields, called "Blonde, Blonde, Lavaliere," and I expect to expand that into a book and full musical by tomorrow, BUT! But! THIS Sweet Valley High Musical was written . . . BY FRANCINE PASCAL HERSELF. YES.

See, as far as I can figure out, given the Very Intense Investigative Journalism that I employed by googling for half an hour, Fastbreaks: The Comings and Goings at Sweet Valley High (yes! THAT IS THE TITLE) is a musical that was written by Francine Pascal sometime in the '90s. As far as I can tell, it has only been performed (or maybe only workshopped) once, at Arts and Artists at St Paul, directed by John Znidarsic and starring this guy as Winston. I dunno, he could be a Winston. If he dyed his hair and were 15 years younger. Maybe.

But, other than that one performance (workshop? I honestly don't know!), Fastbreaks has not yet seen the light of day. As of 2008, Pascal was still hoping to stage the musical, but nothing shows up on a Google search. WHY IS THE PUBLIC DENYING US THIS WONDERFUL EVENT?

But! Fear not! Through mostly legal means (I'm 90% certain, anyway), WE HAVE GOT FIVE SONGS FROM THE MUSICAL! One of our amazing readers found a demo cd of Fastbreaks in her local theatre's archives and she sent it to us!! It's from 2000, so I guess that Francine has been shopping this thing around for a while.

EVEN BETTER? The music for the musical was written by David Bryan, from BON JOVI. BON MOTHERFUCKIN JOVI, y'all. This shizz is LEGIT. I fully expect there to be some incoherant mumbling* and big hair and references to New Jersey in this musical!

*Here is a Misheard Lyrics anecdote: for years I misheard "Gina works the diner all day" as "Gina wants to die of old age." And I was like, "DUH, Gina, pretty much everyone does (except for me)! THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU SPECIAL, GINA! GOD I HATE YOU!"

Anyhoozle, because we here at FYA care about your happiness, we've uploaded the entire demo cd for you to listen to! I KNOW! You can send us gift baskets of puppies and champagne to thank us.

Because I don't have the book and therefore do not know the actual plot of Fastbreaks: The Comings and Goings at Sweet Valley High, I am going to use my Creative Imagination skills and my advanced knowledge of Sweet Valley High plots and characters to write the scenes that these songs belong in. Guys? Might as well just give me my Tony now.

Let's kick it, Bayside Sweet Valley! You can just click right on the song links to listen to them!

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

MR COLLINS' CLASSROOM. Students are assembled, 

discussing End of Year dance. MR COLLINS is busy 

bearing a striking resemblance to Robert Redford 

and doling out sage advice to students.

LIZ

I just don't know what to do, Enid. The big dance is coming up 

and Todd and I still aren't speaking. Oh! If only I hadn't 

accidentally gone out on several dates with Nicholas 

Morrow! Then Todd and I wouldn't have had this misunderstanding!

ENID

I don't know, Liz. Nicholas Morrow sure seems to like you.

 I wish someone liked me. I wish I could have sex again as an 

actual teenager. I was too high to enjoy it back when George and I 

nearly killed that kid, for which we conveniently escaped punishment. 

If only Former Fattie Robin Wilson hadn't stolen him away!

LIZ

Please stop distracting me with your issues, Enid. Oh! I 

know what we need, Enid! A ridiculously simplistic main plot which 

illustrates our current feelings of ennui! Maybe we should have 

a small moral crisis about the fact that we're going to graduate sometime 

in the next four decades! It's going to be so weird not to be in Sweet Valley!

ENID

Not to see Chrome Dome Cooper's shining bald head!

LILA

Not to shop at Lisettes! Or spend my dad's money that he gives me 

as a replacement for genuine affection at the Sweet Valley Mall!

OLIVIA

What will we do without being able to have The Probable Lesbian Special 

at Casey's Ice Cream Parlor?

BRUCE

I don't care where I end up, because I'm sure it will be fabulous!

LIZ, ENID

We will silently judge you for being so stuck up, Bruce 

Patman, even though we are just as stuck up as you are, if not more so.

JESSICA

Don't worry, you guys! We'll always have the beach! And 

Secca Lake! And my pool! And our tans!

CLASS cheers.

LIZ

Jessica's right, everyone! As long as we have each other, 

we'll always be superior to every non-Sweet Valley resident in the world! 

Why, I'd even say we could live forever, if I could turn that into a 

hackneyed title for my next Oracle article!

OLIVIA

"Forever Lives in Us?"

LIZ

That's great, Olivia!! I'm going to steal that idea and 

pretend it was mine and take all the credit, since 

people like me more than they like you. Since you are 

probably a lesbian.

LIZ moves to center front stage and addresses her classmates. Her gold lavaliere swings with perky energy.

LIZ

Hey, you guys! Don't worry about a thing! 

Forever lives in us!

CLASS cheers.

1 - Forever Lives in Us

Get comfortable, folks! We still have four scenes to go! I hope you snuck some booze into this theatre!

 

ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

A crowded hallway in SWEET VALLEY HIGH. 

ENID and LIZ are collecting books from their lockers. 

They see TODD and WINSTON approach.

LIZ

There he is, Enid! I hope he isn't still angry with me!

ENID

Don't worry, Liz! I overheard Cara Walker tell Jessica 

that Todd told Eventual Rapist John Pfeifer that he was 

in love with a gorgeous, fun blonde!

LIZ

But, Enid! That could mean he's really in love with Jessica! 

I'd better create an entire forty pages of angst based on my assumption 

that my boyfriend likes some other girl, without actually asking him about it!

ENID

No, I'm pretty sure Todd likes you, Liz. I know that Jessica is 

cooler and prettier and a hell of a lot more fun than you are, and 

that any normal, sane person would totally choose to go shopping 

with Jessica instead of sitting around and reading your emo poetry, 

but Todd seems like an idiot, so I am pretty sure he's in love with you.

LIZ

Oh! Enid, my heart is so full that it could simply burst out 

of my 34C chest! But how can I show him how I feel?!

ENID

You should use your vagina to show him your affection. Boys like 

that sort of thing. Or at least, they did when I was 13.

LIZ

But . . . sex? I couldn't possibly have sex! Sex requires that I 

be in charge of my own body! And how would I do that without 

someone smarter, like a boy, showing me how?

ENID

Don't worry, Liz! It's just your first time! It's not like you're going 

to have an orgasm during it and then cry. That won't happen 

for years yet!

LIZ

Oh, Enid! You've really put my mind at ease! It's so great 

to have a friend like you who used to be sort of interesting 

but is now the most boring person in the entire world!

ENID

Go get 'em, Liz!

2 - The First Time

 

ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

A CLASSROOM. WINSTON spies ENID from across 

the room. Gathering up courage, he approaches.

WINSTON

Hey, Enid.

ENID

Hey, Winston.

WINSTON

Well, Enid, I guess you're wondering 

what I'm doing talking to you. And so 

nervously too! Well, Enid, I'd really like 

to take you to the End of Year dance at the 

Beach Disco.

ENID

The one on Friday?

WINSTON

No, not that one, the one next week.

ENID

The one on Thursday?

WINSTON

No, the one on the Friday after the dance on Thursday.

ENID

Oh, that one!

WINSTON

Yeah, so, anyway. Do you want to go with me?

ENID

But I thought you were dating Maria Santelli!

WINSTON

Oh yeah, I guess I was. But she doesn't 

exist in this musical!

ENID

But you've never showed any romantic 

interest in me before!

WINSTON

Breaking fourth wall, gestures to the audience

But THEY don't know that!

ENID

Winston, I'm not sure I can go to a dance 

with someone who's never showed any interest in me. 

Sure, I'm desperate, and my boyfriend dumped me, after 

he paralyzed me in a plane crash, for Former Fattie 

Robin Wilson. But there's only 400 more dances 

between now and the end of the year. I can't 

waste one dance on you!

WINSTON

I'd like to use this time to crack a joke, Enid. But 

you've broken my funny bone.

3 - My Piece of Heaven

 

ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

CASEY'S ICE CREAM PARLOR. ANNIE WHITMAN 

is at a table alone. RICKY CALPADO approaches.

RICKY

Hey, Annie. Why so glum?

ANNIE

Oh, Ricky! I just tried to join the cheerleading 

squad, but Jessica played a mean, horrible trick on me, 

and they wouldn't let me in!

RICKY

But, Annie, your leaps are the best! And you're 

so flexible! You can even put your feet behind 

your head! I thought for sure you'd get in!

ANNIE

Thanks, Ricky. But I'm only so flexible 

because of all the sexy sex sex I have 

all the time. Sex! I do it a lot!

RICKY

Annie, don't you think that your desire to have 

sex is not actually based on the fact that 

you might actually like sex - since women generally don't 

like sex at all - but is instead a way for you to get attention. 

Don't you think you crave the emotional affection from men 

and rank your self-worth in sex?

ANNIE

Well, Ricky! Previously I just thought that maybe I 

liked sex a lot and didn't worry overly much about 

the fact that society says I should keep my legs closed 

to stay pure, but you've really opened my eyes! It MUST be 

because I've been missing emotional affection from a dad!

RICKY

I'm glad I could help you realize your own 

sexual agency, little girl!

ANNIE

But I'm ruined! My hymen has already been 

broken! Now no man is going to want to marry me, 

because I haven't kept myself pure for him! Oh, if only

 I had employed the anal-and-elbow sex method to keep my 

precious baby-making parts pure! I can't go back again!

RICKY

Don't worry, Annie! You can get re-hymenated for several 

thousand dollars!

4 - Ain't No Second Chance

 

ACT THREE

SCENE ONE

JESSICA and LILA are walking to 

SWEET VALLEY HIGH SCHOOL. They are 

discussing the upcoming dance at the Beach Disco. 

No, not that one. The other one. Then TODD and 

WINSTON roll by on their skateboards, waving at 

the girls.

JESSICA

Oh, Todd. He's so dreamy!

LILA

Dreamy? Todd? Todd Wilkins? Are you high?

JESSICA

No, I don't do drugs, since Regina died from 

trying cocaine JUST ONCE. I just think he's cute.

LILA

Why?

JESSICA

Probably because he's Elizabeth's boyfriend.

LILA

What are you going to do?

JESSICA

Clearly I'm going to devise a clever plan

 in which I dress up to look like Liz and then woo him away.

LILA

Can you be as boring and sanctimonious as Liz?

JESSICA

I can try!

5 - Private World

 

CROWD GOES WILD! MANY MANY CURTAIN CALLS! ENCORE!

THE END

 

I hope you've enjoyed our EXCLUSIVE LOOK at Fastbreaks: The Comings and Goings at Sweet Valley High! If any of you have any sway over theatres, GET THIS SHIZZ ON THE STAGE!

Erin Callahan's photo About the Author: Erin is loud, foul-mouthed, an unrepentant lover of trashy movies and believes that champagne should be an every day drink. When she isn't drowning in a sea of engineers for whom Dilbert is still uproariously funny, she's writing about books, tv, the cult of VC Andrews and more.
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