Alright TVDers, I hope you've got your Salvatore Brothers Sandwich ready and your adult beverages in hand, because tonight's episode is about to start! I love that this episode is called 'Daddy Issues', because that could be taken so many different ways in the context of the show!
Last week's return episode ended with the return of Sark! Who makes every show he's in 10 TIMES AWESOMER!
So all aboard the Salvatore Train! Whoo-whoo!
Caroline is confronted by Tyler outside her house. He tells her they need to talk. She thinks it's about the kiss. He actually means about the fact that she lied to him about being the only vampire in Mystic Falls. She tells him she's sorry, but he storms off. And Damon is IN THE SHOWER!!!!! SHIRTLESS!!!!! Drink! Then Damon is in the living room watching the news IN A TOWEL!!!!! Drink!
Daddy Sark is also in the kitchen, watching the news, and Elena wants to talk. Daddy Sark tells her he's back (hallelujah!) to protect her, but he won't tell her why, until he's sure he can trust her. Wha? Aunt Jenna comes in and is confused. Daddy Sark un-confuses her.
George: The bio-dad bomb!
Listen to your friend Sark, Elena...
Back at the Salvatore's, Damon reminds Stefan that Daddy Sark tried to cook him in a fire, but Stefan thinks having him back is the only way to help protect Elena. Damon is awesome. Drink! Stefan tries to get Damon to emote about dead Rose, and Damon is awesome Drink! making with the threats of acquiring his own hero hairdo. Caroline texts Stefan that there's an emergency, and she tells him that Tyler-wolf knows that Damon and Stefan are vampires, and that Damon killed Uncle Benicio. (sob!)
Meanwhile wolf-girl is trying to convince Tyler to run away with her, so she can teach him the ways of the lycanthrope, but he says no.
George: Beware, Tyler, the were-MILF!
Damon shows up at Elena's, and she is wearing her hair in a really cute ponytail. They discuss whether or not Daddy Sark can be trusted. Damon (jokes?) about killing him, but then tells Elena he wouldn't, because he's a good-guy now. Stefan shows up to talk to Tyler, but ends up slamming him against a wall while Tyler's mom leaves for another Mystic Falls thing.
town fair memorial service..
George: It's a casual, festive affair, you know, with the whole town.
Wolf-girl visits an RV in the woods, and is startled by the guy she went to find. But then they kiss. Her friend says he is NOT afraid of vampires. Stefan continues to try to talk to Tyler, but Tyler doesn't have his listening cap on.
Listen to your friend Stefan, Tyler...
At the Mystic falls thing, Daddy Sark and JJ have a heart to heart about JJ's ring of invincibility.
George: Oh! Where have you been, JJ?
Jenny: It's nice to see you! And Bonnie! You too!
Then Bonnie and Luca's dad have a heart to heart about young Harry Hamlin, in which Luca's dad tells her that young Harry Hamlin will be true to his word. She doesn't believe him. JJ comes over and rescues her.
At the Bronze, Aunt Jenna is talking to Alaric, still mind-blown that her sister's husband's brother and her boyfriend's dead (so she thinks) wife are Elena's real parents. Daddy Sark comes over and wants to join them because he is lonely.
George: He's so... lonely...
Elena and Damon enter, and Elena begs him to not kill her dad. Stefan has finally gotten Tyler to listen, and is trying to convince him that they can all be friends. Wolf-girl calls in the middle of their talk and Tyler is naughty.
Damon and Daddy Sark have a heart to heart about trust, then Matt and Caroline see each other outside! Matt tells Caroline that he wants to talk later, and she says she'd like that. Then wolf-girl and her friend attack Caroline and shoot her in the head! Caroline wakes up in a cell and pulls the bullet out of her head! Drink! She tries to get out, but wolf-girl's friend shoots her with another wooden bullet! And it hurts! Poor Caroline!
Poor, poor Caroline...
Wolf-girl calls Stefan and her friend shoots Caroline again just so Stefan knows she's there! Then she tells him he has 20 minutes before they kill Caroline!
George: So were Stefan and Tyler talking for, like 8 hours?
At the Bronze, Aunt Jenna introduces her news-lady friend to Damon, and Elena watches, jealous. But Damon blows her off. Elena pretends not to be, but she is secretly pleased. Damon is awesome. Drink! Then Stefan calls her and she and Damon sneak off to the bathroom so she can tell him about Tyler. He thinks they should just kill all the weres, but Elena tells him they CAN'T kill Tyler. She touches him all friendly-like, asking him not to kill Tyler, and he calls her on her manipulation. Then she tells him to be the better man. Daddy Sark interrupts, and Damon is awesome Drink!
Caroline is still being tortured terribly. Wolf-girl tells her sicko torture friend that she just wants to get Tyler, but he really, really likes torturing vampires.
Jenny: He's like that guy from the Saw movies, except with vampires!
At the Bronze, Daddy Sark tells Elena she can't go after the Salvatore boys, because it's not safe. He also tells her that it was dumb of her to make a deal with young Harry Hamlin. Then Elena tells him he'll never be her dad.
George: Would somebody PLEASE show Daddy Sark some love!
In the 'action figure' pose... hands at the ready, boys.
At the RV park in the woods, Stefan and Tyler approach to make the hostage exchange. Damon shows up and plays bad cop, but then wolf-girl whistles,
Jenny: Seriously?!!! She whistled for them? If I was one of those weres, I'd be real offended.
and a whole bunch of wolf-boys show up with flame throwers and shizz. Damon is awesome Drink! and lunges after wolf-girl, but she does some crazy wolf-acrobatics and the fight breaks out in full-force! A wolf-guy flies through the air at Damon, and Damon punches him in the chest and rips out his heart WHILE HE'S STILL IN THE AIR!!!! Drink! Then other wolf-guys are shooting stakes at Stefan, and HE CATCHES THEM IN MID-AIR!!!! Drink! And then stakes the guy with his own stake! But then another wolf-guy stakes Stefan in the back!!!! Tyler debates for a minute about whether or not to let Caroline out, but then does. Damon is fighting with creepy torture guy, and then wolf-girl shoots him!!! Then she puts a gun to the back of Caroline's head, and Tyler doesn't know what to do!!! Then creepy torture guy raises a stake to kill Damon dead! But then a high-pitched noise hurts his ears! And wolf-girl's ears, too! And all of the other weres! Except Tyler! And then Luca's dad walks in like a messiah! He tells them he's upholding young Harry Hamlin's promise to Elena! Then he tells Tyler to tell all the weres to make like a tree and leave town.
Jenny: That was by far the best action sequence yet!
Stefan walks Caroline home and tells her he's sorry about her being tortured, but she tells him she's okay, and that she just needs a shower.
George: Am I wrong in thinking I'm feeling a little something there between those two?
Daddy Sark show's up at the Salvatore's to talk to Damon. He gives Damon a vial of ash and a dagger that will kill an Original! He learned this from Isobel.
Caroline is plucking splinters out of her still-bleeding skin, when Matt calls. She forgot to meet up with him because of all the torture! So she makes the excuse that something came up with Bonnie, but Matt sees that Bonnie is flirting with JJ, and knows she's lying. Matt has a sad. Drink!
Tyler shows up and Caroline tells him she's not his friend anymore, because he stood by while the other weres almost killed her. At Elena's, Daddy Sark gives Elena a charm bracelet that belonged to her adoptive mother, and he gives a beautiful speech about family, and we all fall in love with him a little bit more. Drink!
Jenny: Even though he's probably at least partly lying...
Elena is moved. Then Stefan shows up and they hug. Then he tells her he needs her help with Caroline.
At the RV park in the woods, Tyler shows up, and has a drink. He tells the weres about the moonstone. Stefan shows up at Caroline's, and brings a surprise! Elena and Bonnie! Slumber party!!!! The girls hug and Caroline cries. Stefan mouths 'I love you' to Elena.
George: (as Stefan) That is so hot! Slumber party!
Then Damon is in the bath shirtless Drink! with the news-lady!
Jenny: And another scene in Damon's awesome bathroom! George: Way to use that new bathroom wing, CW!
He is awesome! Drink! He tells her he has a problem, and that it's that he's in love with a woman he can never have. Then he tells her he's bad. And that he kills people. And that he likes it. But that she wants him to be a better man, which means he can't be himself. Then he eats her.
You's about to get et, lady.
In the cave, Katherine hears footsteps approaching!
George: Ah, Katherine! You're still down there... in your hot little dress...
It's Daddy Sark! He tells her he's working with Isobel! To get Katherine out of the tomb! Wha?!!!
George: Ooooh... still evil.
Whoah, THAT was one HECK of an episode! It's like, Sark comes back and all holy amazingness breaks loose! Way to go, CW! Way to go, Ian Somerhalder, for getting the CW to give us more shirtless drinking opportunities! (I heard he was trying...)
We'll meet back here next week for a romantic getaway gone awry for Elena and Stefan! Theories? Thoughts? Comments?