My fellow YAngelists, when it comes to the gospel of Young Adult Literature, we must occasionally make sacrifices. There are times when we are called to be martyrs to the cause. And that's exactly what Jenny and I did when we went to see I Am Number Four, which is the only film ever that has caused me to literally say out loud, "You know, Eclipse was actually better than that." Y'all IT WAS HEINOUS URANUS! And you know the worst part? If you Google image search the movie, absolutely zero pictures of shirtless Alex Pettyfer show up. ZERO!!!!!!! In the words of the great bard Kenan Thompson, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?
Fortunately for you, Jenny and I did what we always do in a dire situation: we turned to alcohol. And so, in lieu of a movie review, we offer you, dear readers, a drinking game! If you are planning on watching this movie, we strongly advise that you take advantage of this survival tool. And if you've already seen it, just crack open a champ can cos YOU DESERVE IT. And if you plan on never ever watching this film, I'd say that you're smart, except for the fact that you're missing a huge opportunity to get yr drink on!
The Official FYA I Am Number Four Drinking Game
Take a drink every time:
• Alex Pettyfer is shirtless.
• Something is blue and glowing.
• The CGI is pointless.
• The creepy flying squirrel monsters dent their trailer.
• A camera appears on screen.
• A high school cliche is added to the storyline [Double drink if it's acknowledged out loud].
• Ash scatters to the wind.
Take a shot every time:
• Extraneous question marks appear.
• You appreciate your country's dental hygiene standards because the Mogadorians' teeth are NASTY.
• You wonder why Timothy Olyphant wasted his time and hotness on this movie.
Chug for the duration of:
• A slow-mo Michael Bay style explosion.
• A loyal pet fights to protect his master [also known as the Manchee Factor].
And finally, let's all drink to the high probability that the sequel to this movie will never be made. HUZZAH!