You know what would have made Beastly better? Well, pretty much anything.
But, specifically, Gaston. All Beauty and the Beast stories should involve Gaston. You guys, he's got a swell cleft in his chin! Every last inch of him's covered in hair!
Ah, well. At least Neil Patrick Harris was there. AND BOOZE. Which meant that, obvs, we HAD to create a drinking game!
So if you, too, are swayed by the promise of Alex Pettyfer's abs or a lingering affection for the Alex Finn novel, and if you are, like me, interested in punishing yourself for perceived past sins, then by all means, go see Beastly! But only if you bring alcohol.
You guys, seriously. SERIOUSLY. I know what you're thinking. "Oh, Erin, it can't be that bad. It's not like Alex Pettyfer is a wooden actor and Vanessa Hudgens' sprightly nature can't quite erase that horrible time when you saw her naked and also they'll strip all the cool parts out of the book and it will have pacing that is slower than a torteise which has been mainlining heroin!" But YOU WOULD BE WRONG.
Don't worry, though, I have sacrificed my liver and my rep to help you out! Just follow these simple rules and it won't even matter to you that they pretty much drop that whole storyline about how Lindy's dad sells her for crack. Oh, and how basically all the good things that Kyle does is to get into Lindy's pants instead of because he decides to stop being a spoiled dickcheese.
The Beastly Drinking Game
• Kyle talks about being pretty, even when it has nothing to do with the actual goings on of the conversation
• There is exposition
• You want to punch Kyle in the face
• You think, "Um, isn't Lindy supposed to be sort of ugly?"
• A Jamaican accent starts sounding Irish instead (please avoid Miss Cleo commercials while watching this movie on TV)
• Kyle gives an emotional speech that rings false (Really? The zoo has had the same film playing for more than 10 years? REALLY? I mean, I know that zoo budgets have been slashed but DAMN)
• Kyle transforms from pretty blond Adonis to really-not-that-unattractive tattooed "beast"
• Kyle is doing any shirtless exercises, until said exercising stops
• Darts count as an exercise! Keep chugging, ladies and Brian!
Take a shot when:
• Neil Patrick Harris improves a scene, just by being in it. NPH is in about ten scenes, so please be careful
• EVERY TIME Mary-Kate Olsen says "Or stay like this FOREVER!" And the echos count!
Yeah, I think it's probably best to just stop there, because I really don't want to be sued for your eventual deaths from alcohol poisoning. (Oh, um, also, I don't want you guys to die, obvs. OBVS!) And, you know, the movie wasn't that bad. I mean, sure, I am pretty sure that most of my brain cells dribbled out of my ears and the people who made this movie CLEARLY think that teens are mentally deficient because they did things like show the passing of the seasons by making the roses die IN A GREENHOUSE, and also I wanted to shake Lindy everytime she turned down Bulgari earrings, but WHATEVER. It's not the worst movie I've ever seen. It's no The Smokers, which is THE WORST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN, EVER, IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
But let's just say . . . if The Hunger Games movie ends up as craptastic as this one did, I'm going to clip somebody's ear off and mail it to Gary Ross, just for jolly, wouldn't you.
Have you guys seen Beastly yet? Give us your opinion of it in the comments!