Yeah. PART ONE. Because that's how insanely-fucking-long this stupid Lifetime movie is. It's, like, two hours? And maybe that doesn't sound very long, but you should try making a movie about the relationship you have with your own toothy prince/shiny-haired princess/personal massager and see if you can make that movie two hours long. Mine would be like twenty minutes, maybe? Including a five-minute musical montage about drinking tea?
Anyway, so Lifetime made this AMAZING movie about the magical unicorn love that flows from HRH Prince William of Wales's genitals to Soon-to-be Princess Actually-it's-Catherine's, I don't know, mouth or hair or crystal goblet recepticle. I don't know what royals do in the bedroom.
So obvs I had to watch it! And drink during it! But don't worry, if you missed this magical event, you
can see it again like all week on Lifetime can read about it here!
Yeah, yeah, we know it has nothing to do with YA anything, and also that you are sick of the Royal Wedding. Let Erin have her fun.
This is the show's official DVR description:
A captivating student enrolled in Scotland's prestigious University of St Andrews begins a friendship with the future King of England that eventually becomes a romance, a love affair, an engagement and preparations for a royal wedding.
I AM SO EXCITED!!!
By the way, the title card for this movie, William & Kate, has the giant honkin' engagement ring as the & symbol. You can purchase a replica of that ring for 150 dollars at JC Penny. Someone buy that for me, please. Thank you.
Anyway. Let's do this shizz.
Title card, over a blue sky. We're flying down over the United Kingdom! Villages! Grass! Castle walls! Oh, look, it's Buckingham Palace. That's where the Queen lives for like one month out of the year!
In a quad of some kind, people are preparing to run for sport, which I do not approve of. Kate flips her shiny, shiny hair and leads a crew of people off to run. Kate is like the pied piper but uses her hair instead of a whistle or whatever.
In another section of St Andrews University - for this is where we are - Prince Charles is dropping his son off at school! Aww. I wonder if Chuckles was like my dad on my first day of University, aka refusing to speak to me at all and then, after my parents and brother had said goodbye, running back up five flights of stairs to my dorm room, shoving some money in my hand, hugging me quickly and saying "Don't forget to call your mother; she worries about you." That's dadspeak for, "I'm going to miss you, kid. Now, don't fuck this school thing up."
Anyway, Prince Chuckles is proud of William - who looks way hotter in this movie than Wills ever has in his entire life - going off to University. It's what Diana would have wanted! Aaaand we have our first obligatory reference to The Dead People's Princess. In less than two minutes! Drink!
Prince Chuckles is proud of Wills for being so independent. Why, he himself, Prince Chuckles, never even thought to go off to University! Probably cause he was too busy sticking it to Camilla at the time and was like, "Whatever, Andrew can be considered the smart one!" And then Prince Andrew was like "Ha ha, THAT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN." Now no one is considered the smart one. Maybe Princess Anne? Is she smart? Which one spawned Beatrice? I like Beatrice; she is my second favorite Royal after the super hot Prince Hamdan of Dubai. Seriously. Google Image that guy. He is HOT. Also there's this photo of him where he looks really dreamy, like maybe he's imagining frolicking in a field with puppies. I will frolic in that field with you, Prince Hamdan of Dubai. Or we can just, like, go to the movies. Whatever!
Anyway. Back to the show. Wills is so far away from everything and everyone! There, in Scotland, the seat of his Ancestral home! Things are going to be super chillaxed for Wills here in Scotland, because Scottish people don't own tvs or care about the Royal Family (one of those statements is totes true). But ah, in a twist of dramatic irony, there are tons of cameras and screaming groupies ready to welcome Wills into the bosom of St. Andrews.
As an aside, it would have been far better if Wills and Kate had attended St Martin's College. Then Wills could have been all, "I want to live like common people!" and Kate could take him to the supermarket.
Kate is running by the cameras with a look of mild interest on her face. She has an iPod because apparently this movie has bent the laws of time forward a few years.
In voiceover, we learn how Will is the first member of the Royal Family ever to attend University outside of England. This is so brave of him! Even though St Andrews is one of the poshest fucking Universities in the entire world! Never mind that! Those Scottish may eat him and then scatter his remains over the River Tweed!
We learn that no one is allowed to, like, talk to or look at Wills, I guess. He's going to live in a reinforced building. Except mostly it just looks like a dorm room? Albeit a dorm room with better furniture than usual.
Wills is checking out his new digs when a piece of paper is slipped under his door (safe! secure!), which is quickly followed up with a knock. A guy dressed in a tux, tails and a top hat enters and basically acts like a total ass, all "My Lord" this and "I'm a douchenozzle" that. Will is all, "Sho are you and why is this happening to me?" William, I am asking myself that same question.
It turns out this guy is applying for the sacred position of
Master of the Stool Will's wingman. Then he offers Will some lager and tells him that he lives just next door. Lucky Will! Will, of course, because he is bone stupid and also has never had any friends, ever, is gleeful at the thought of having a buddy. Will and his Wingman (he said his name but I didn't understand it, so I'm going to call him Gilligan from here on out) go off to explore the dorm, walking right past a shocked Kate.
Gilligan explains to Will that he can spend the next four years snagging as much poontang as he can handle, cause of how he's a Prince and he hasn't quite started losing his hair, and then points out some of the lovely ladies for Will's perusal. Everyone seems very toothy and wholesome, which was not my impression of Scotland when I went there.
Meanwhile in Kate's room, she's the only one of her roommates who isn't that fussed about Prince William's general presence. I think we should drink anytime anyone expresses interest in the fact that they're sharing any sort of space with Prince William. So you need to drink about six times to catch up. I'll wait!
Kate's bitchy blonde roommate (not to be confused with her dopey blonde roommate or her possibly lesbian brunette roommate) applies like ten pounds of blush to her cheeks as she rattles off all the things that Wills is looking for in a life partner - brains, beauty, money and pedigree. From the look on her face, it's clear that her roommates lack several of the above qualifications. She, on the other hand, has known Wills for years, and been to all his birthday parties! Therefore, she will ensnare him!
Kate utters the thematic sentence of the night: "He's just a guy." "Right," bitchy blonde roommate responds. "He's just a guy. Who happens to be handsome, sexy, rich and the future King of England." I have a response to your response, blonde bitchy roommate! And that is: "Eh, not really so handsome, you know, with the ears, and the . . . face. Although, he is rich. But maybe not the future King of England. And even if he is, WHO CARES?! IT IS NOT LIKE THAT TITLE MEANS ANYTHING." Seriously, being the King of England is like being a judge on American Idol - it just involves a lot of dressing up in overly fancy outfits, listening to people wail and then drinking vodka out of a big Coca Cola cup.
ALSO, no one in this movie has anything even remotely resembling an authentic accent. Blonde Bitchy Roommate sounds like she's gargling marshmallows.
New drinking rule! Drink anytime anyone says "Future King of England!"
Now we are at a lecture. Everyone is talking about William being in their lecture. Like, 100 people. So please start drinking water between your shots.
This class is called "Great Masters of the 19th Century" and the professor talks about how some of the students in the class may have had ancestors whose portraits were painted by one of these artists. Everyone giggles and looks at Wills, who takes it in his stride. Here is a random question for which I would like the answer. Why is it that only Princess Anne's children don't have royal titles? Everyone just calls them Zara and whatever-the-eff her older brother's name is.Is it because Anne's the only girl-child? That seems horribly unfair. If Andrew's kids can get titles, I don't see why Anne's kids can't. Particularly since Zara broke her back and all; you'd think she could have a title as some sort of Get Well Soon present.
(You may think from all of this that I care about the Royal Family. I can assure you I do not. What I DO care about, however, is Hello! magazine and the contents therein.)
Back to the show. We're in the cafeteria, which already looks 10000000x better than any college cafeteria I ever ate in. The tables have tablecloths on them.
Will is invited to sit over with Gilligan and his friends, and then they discuss polo, or whatever. Will espies a hot blonde chick and goes over to shake her hand. Mack while you can, William; that hair won't be here forever. While he's gone, one of Will's friends, the devious and caddish Derek,who was at Eton with Will, explains to Gilligan and co that Will is paranoid that people will sell info of him to the tabs. Will comes back and explains that whenever he meets someone new, he tells them a small lie and then sees if that lie makes its way into the tabloids. All the boys nod their head wisely at this sage advice, though if you ask me, I wouldn't trust someone who has just told me that they're a pathological liar.
After another Great Masters lecture, Will and his groupmates, including Kate, discuss meeting up to work on their project. Kate's acting like a flibberdigibbit. She and Wills start walking, and she introduces herself. Will introduces himself as "William Wales" and is that REALLY his name? I mean, he can't say "William Windsor," even? No, it has to be "William INSERT NAME OF COUNTRY HERE." Fucking creepy. I'm going to change my name to Erin Peru.
I think we should also add a drinking game rule that we drink anytime William wears a sweater vest. He has worn approximately 18 sweater vests since this show started. Go ahead and refresh your drink; I'll wait.
Kate totally flirts with Will over the premise of some sort of stone and a martyr. Only in the United Kingdom, folks.
Then Kate runs off to hang out with her boyfriend. Oh noes! She's taken!
But never fear, it looks as if Will is interested in the hot blonde, since he's sitting with her in the cafeteria in the next scene. Wearing another sweater vest, I might add.
Later, Will is studying in his room when Kate pops in. Will hasn't been to class! Then she just . . . walks in, as if she owns the fucking place. She and Will bond over both having done their gap year in Chile. Only in the UK, folks. Americans aren't afforded the luxury of gap years. At least not if their parents have anything to say about it.
Will loves to go new places and see how common people live. SEE?
I just paused this movie and only FOURTEEN MINUTES have elapsed. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
Anyway, Will missed class because he had to attend a State Dinner with his grams, which puts Kate squarely back in her commoner place.
There is a party, and people are dancing, including Will and the hot blonde, whose name is Emily. Kate, her boyfriend, and all of their friends discuss how royalty doesn't marry commoners. Except for Will's dad. And uncle. And aunt. And other uncle.
In class, the professor is boring everyone. Will rolls his eyes at Kate. I sense a friendship forming, kids! A friendship which will blossom into a 35 million dollar wedding footed by the taxpayers!
It's winter! That means it's time to sneak into the Room of Requirement! If this were a better movie, that is. In the library, Will and Kate are studying. She ribs him for the tabloids calling him "dull and aloof." Kate has the worst accent EVER. She uses that accent to tell Will to ignore the tabloids. "It's your life!" Well, isn't that cute.
Now everyone is leaving for break, dressed in their little coats and hats. Will tells Kate he may not come back to St Andrews. She's clearly disheartened. You JUST TOLD HIM to live his own life, you idiot!
It's winter break! Kate goes home to her Jane Austen house and squeals over Pippa. Pippa, as we all know, is Kate's sister, and the maid of honor in the wedding! Or at least I know this, because the shrieky-voiced Royal Correspondent on Entertainment Tonight has told me this. Many times! Everyone quizzes Kate about her friendship with Will. Her parents are super posh even though they are meant to be humble folk. Everyone is so happy to see each other. Their Middleton hair shines with delight.
Meanwhile, at Wills', he, Chuckles and Harry are eating a quiet family dinner. HARRY!!!!!!!!! OH GINGER PRINCE! WHY HAVE YOU WAITED SO LONG TO ARRIVE?? Harry - who apparently is from, like, South Africa or something, with his accent - bemoans school and can't wait to go to Sandhurst and join the military. Will wants to leave St Andrews, but Chuckles isn't too pleased with that idea. Harry is looking askance at the argument, probably thinking, "I wish I knew who my real dad was."
Anyway, Chuckles lays down the law and Will storms off.
At Kate's, she and Pippa are watching old movies when the phone rings. It's Will, of course. He's calling from a private jet. Kate tells him that he should change his major from art to something else. Then they have some sort of existential discussion about what Will could do if he could do anything. Um. HE CAN DO ANYTHING. ANYTHING HE WANTS. He never has to work, he never has to rule (if he doesn't want to), he never has to spend 18 hours a day working three jobs just to put food on the table for his kids; HE CAN DO ANYTHING. Spare me the sob story.
Anyway. The scene has changed to the infamous charity fashion show, in which Kate models the see-through dress. The dress on the movie is like 8000x better than the real-life one. Will is gobsmacked. When did Kate get hot? Um . . . years ago? I'm guessing?
After the show, Will lays on the charm. For like two seconds; then he starts talking about himself and how he'd like to be a pilot. THEN he tries to kiss her, but Kate shuts that shit down, since they're just friends. Will walks off, confused, while Kate wears the face of "WHAT DID I JUST DO?"
Overhead shot of St Andrews! Kate is in the midst of telling her boyfriend that she's not transferring to Oxford to be near him. He won't date her if she stays here! So they break up!
Kate's drowning her sorrows at the bar, while Will, Gilligan and thatcad Derekdrink as well. Will invites everyone "home" for the weekend.
Regency music invites us to Will's country home at Highgrove. Chuckles is the most awkward host, ever. Will isn't really helping, because he starts talking about Chuckles' organic chickens. Chuckles invites Kate out shooting tomorrow.
It is now tomorrow. Everyone is giggling about going shooting with Chuckles. Kate thinks he's charming! Well, she kind of has to, or she'll be tried for treason.
Kate, of coures, is the only one to shoot any birds.
Oh, LORD, now Chuckles is talking about pesticides. I WANT TO DIE. Kate sucks up by talking about solar power. Then they go to church, or whatever. THIS PART IS SO BORING.
All the kids are on the way back to St Andrews, and Brunette Roommate suggests they all get a flat together. Everyone's in. Will says his family will have to agree, especially once he threatens to get a tattoo . . . or abdicate the throne. This is like the third joke he's made about abdicating the throne in 30 minutes. I need more alcohol.
Shots of everyone moving in together, while a voiceover helpfully informs us that this is the first time a member of the Royal Family has taken a flat while at university! Everyone wonders if Wills is in love with one of his roommates, but he denies it. Will, meanwhile, is burning the kitchen down trying to make lasagna. Kate goes in to rescue him.
Party at the flat! That can't be QE2-approved! Will keeps making moon eyes at Kate, who plays it cool.
After the party, Will tells Kate he broke up with Emily. Then they share a moment over a trash bag. Not puking into it, which is normally what happens when I share a moment with someone after a party. It's, like, a romantic moment.
Here's another scene in which people are at a pub. And then Will pushes Kate into some greenery and kisses her while it rains. Then I guess they get it on, but if Lifetime showed that, they wouldn't be able to sway young girls into thinking that they could A) be princesses if they stay virgins and B) keep their self-worth hidden in their vaginas.
It's daytime, and Will is wearing a sweater vest while pretending he's just friends with Kate. It looks like they have a secret romance going on, as several scenes of them sneaking into each other's bedrooms bore me to tears.
Now he's looming over her to wake her up. Creepy! Not romantic! Then Gilligan comes in to borrow Will's dictionary while Kate hides. Gilligan wishes her a good morning. No one else knows about them . . . but Kate's family want to meet him.
So Will comes home with Kate, even though they've only been doing each other for like a month. This is this weird British thing where British people think they are dating after like two days of sleeping together? That is weird, British people. I sincerely love every single one of you that I have ever met, except for that one drunk guy who dropped trou and showed me his unimpressive junk on the banks of the River Thames, but, as an American, please let me give you some advice. THIS IS A WEIRD DATING CUSTOM THAT YOU GUYS HAVE. Stop calling people you've only been dating for three days your boyfriend or girlfriend! That puts way too much pressure on the relationship! Also it confuses your American friends, because you start mentioning your boyfriend or girlfriend and they think that maybe they're a bad friend for not keeping themselves in the loop, and so they ask you, like, "Oh, how long have you been dating this person?" and you answer, "A week! And it's going SPLENDID!" and we don't know how to process that information!!! And then when you break up with this person who you've been dating for ten days, we don't know what level of comfort we should offer you! Should we blow it off and get back to drinking our alcohol? Are we suppoesd to help you hack into their Facebook accounts and call their new boyfriend/girlfriend a whorish redneck? Do we, like, offer to take you on a shopping montage so that we can wash that man right out of your hair? WE DON'T KNOW! This is why our two countries can never peacefully coexist! Well, okay, we peacefully coexist, but don't think that the David Cameron stuff wasn't a low-blow.
And also, it's weird to meet the parents of someone you've been dating for three weeks. I AM JUST SAYING. But, nevertheless, William isn't listening to my advice, because here is at the Humble Middleton Abode. Kate's family is acting like idiots and curtsying and shit. Then Kate's brother breaks the ice by talking about football. I mean, soccer. Shit! I've been dating a British person for much longer than a week and THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS. Someone please fucking send me some Cheez-whiz and subpar chocolate; I need to get back to being an American.
Later, Kate's parents are eating ice cream out of a giant American-sized carton and giggling about how they're comfortable enough to call Wills "William." As opposed to, what? His Royal Highness Who Putteth His Penis In Our Daughter's Vagina-eth?
The next morning, the Middleton clan are slumped over cereal and American orange juice (seriously! I KNOW WHAT BRITISH FOOD LOOKS LIKE, ASSHOLE MOVIE PEOPLE!), wearing their robes and watching what looks to be Soccer AM. Will comes down, dressed like the cheesehead he is, in his sweater vest. (drink!) Everyone is confused that maybe he's going somewhere, until Kate explains that William dresses for breakfast. Then they all decide to dress for breakfast! Wills tells them all to chill out.
In the next scene, I guess Will has passed the Parent Test, because he and Kate are with Brunette Roommate, Gilligan and Derek at some trendy nightclub. They havea lot of champers, which obviously makes them a target of my undying envy. The camera work is all weird and angled, I guess in an attempt to be edgy, but instead I'm left thinking that maybe Lifetime is implying that Kate and Wills are on X or MDMA. Or "Molly," as the kids today have helpfully told me it's now called. When did that happen, by the way? Who approved that change? Listen, kids. I agree that you guys are our future, or whatever, but you need to help your Olds out and not go around changing the names of drugs all willy-nilly. How are we supposed to return to our junior high alma maters and teach D.A.R.E. classes now?
Also, Derek goes off to maybe sexually assault a waitress?
Anyhooskies, there are tons of paps outside the club, so Will has to duck out the side. Poor Will. Will it be like this forever? Yes.
Sometime later, Kate is in her Humble Middleton Home, modeling the dress she is wearing to William's big birthday bash. She's nervous, because the Queen will be there. I guess she's worried that the Queen will wish she had worn a shorter dress?
Kate tells Pippa - who will be Maid of Honor! Don't forget! - and her mom that Will still wants to keep their relationship a secret, because of the press. Kate's mom thinks that's a good idea, on account of how everyone harassed Diana. Annnnd, drink! Let's all take a moment to feel sad that these actors are being forced by Lifetime to observe a moment's silence about Princess Diana.
I mean, not for nothin', I'm sure Princess Diana was cool. Though I met a man in a church in Dartmoor a few months ago who had a decidedly different opinion of her. I had not heard those things said about Princess Diana outside of the hallowed halls of Gawker. The mouth on that old man! IN A CHURCH!
What I like to do is visit the Diana and Dodi Al-Fayed memorial in Harrods. It is incongruous and poorly placed and causes a traffic jam of people in the escalator shaft, and in a way, that's maybe a commentary on the circumstances surrounding Diana and Dodi's death?
Now there are fireworks! And elephant statues! And a band playing sub-Saharan African music! This doesn't make me feel awkward AT ALL.
Will catches sight of Kate and everyone else, and gives Kate the same standard kiss-kiss that he gives all the other girls. Kate's downhearted.
Kate and the Lesbian Brunette Roommate sit down at the same table as their former Bitchy Blonde Roommate, who takes this opportunity to bitchily discuss some girl that Kate sees Wills speaking with. She's known Wills forever! Perhaps that is the secret girlfriend that the press is always talking about! Kate looks sadder and sadder. Then Bitchy Blonde Roommate starts talking about how Will and this girl were "secretly engaged" when they were teenagers and how they "had a whole ceremony and everything." Um, what? Am I missing something that happens when people get engaged? You guys . . . you guys, is there a ceremony you have to go through? Because that just does not sound very appealing to me. Can someone who is engaged please explain about this mysterious ceremony? Oh, shit, is this, like, one of those things you can't tell single people about, kind of like how much wedding invitations cost, because if we know about it, our heads might explode or something? Is there a whole wealth of knowledge that is imparted unto you when you get engaged??? DO YOU GUYS HAVE LIKE A SECRET HANDSHAKE OR SOMETHING?
Bitchy Blonde Roommate tells Kate that she's not the kind of girl a Prince takes home to his Granny.
Then there is a cake! That part is exciting! Everyone claps! That cake is really big! Then Will invites his pretty blonde friend to whom he was apparently secretly engaged as a teenager to help him blow out the candles.
Oh, Kate is so upset! She storms out with tears in her eyes! Bitchy Blonde Roommate was right; Will would never bring a girl like her home! Except for how he totally already did do that!
And that's where we're leaving off for today, mostly because I just looked in the mirror and my skin has turned an unnatural shade of yellow. I'm sure that's not a bad sign, or anything . . .
Weigh in in the comments! Are YOU going to watch the Royal Wedding? Or are you, like me, already creating a Wedding Ideas Scrapbook for your eventual wedding to The Hot Ginger Royal? Or are you, like my friend, one of those kill-joys who reminds people that Harry dresses up like a Nazi for fun and usually says incredibly stupid things? Because I HATE YOU GUYS. You're killing my whole fantasy about rehabilitating Harry and turning him into a thoughtful, articulate man who closely ties his newfound morality with, say, a full and luxurious beard! Stop doing that to me!