So, We Have Our Drunken Victor!

In case you guys have been living under a rock and/or just gave up on the internet after Twitter went down yesterday and haven't heard the news, WE HAVE OUR HAYMITCH.

Woody Harrelson, who everyone was mildly pants-shitting concerned would be cast as President Snow or, God forbid, Cinna (which would have been AWFUL), has been cast as everyone's favorite lovable drunk, Haymitch!

Hmm. Let's ponder this . . .

Here are some facts I know about Woody Harrelson:

•  He has a creepy face

•  His dad killed someone

•  He was on Cheers

•  He plays crazy well

Here are some facts I know about Haymitch:

•  He is my second-favorite drunk, after myself

•  He is the heart and soul of this whole series (well, Haymitch and Buttercup)

•  If anyone screws up his portrayal in the film, I will cry salty tears enough to extinguish the wildfires in Texas

•  HE ISN'T CRAZY! Just drunk!

With that said, hey, I'm no hater. Despite his ridiculous name, Woody could be okay! So let's compare some of his acting roles and determine how he could do as Haymitch, shall we? Every role has been rated with a score based on how similar or dissimilar that role is to the role of Haymitch. Math is fun!

Role: Lou the Lamb in Mother Goose's Rock 'n Rhyme

Similarities to Haymitch :

•  Lambs are notorious drunks (+3)

•  Fluffy nature belies secret thirst for vengeance (+2)

Differences to Haymitch:

•  Technically not a human (-8)

Score: -3

Role: Slow-talking, Lou-lovin' Hank Gordon in Doc Hollywood

Similarities to Haymitch:

•  Just a small-town guy making do in the poverty he's always known (+5)

•  In love with a woman who can never love him back (+6)

•  Propensity to get drunk and clumsy (+8)

Differences to Haymitch:

•  Kind of secretly gay (-4)

•  Is friends with Michael J Fox (-6)

•  Enjoys pig farming (-3)

Score: 6

Role: B-ball-loving Billy Hoyle in White Men Can't Jump

Similarities to Haymitch:

•  Can't hold on to his money (+3)

•  Lives with shrill lady who constantly tells him to stop drinking (+5)

•  Can, in fact, jump (+15)

Differences to Haymitch

•  Even Haymitch at his drunkest wouldn't be caught wearing those clothes (-12)

Score: 11

Role: David Murphy in Indecent Proposal

Similarities to Haymitch:

•  Eventually triumphs over rich and powerful man at great cost to his own personal happiness (+8)

•  Kind of the worst husband/boyfriend in the world (+4)

Differences to Haymitch:

•  Crappy luck when it comes to betting the odds (-10)

•  Ew, we have to see him naked!! (-15)

Score: -13

Role: Woody Boyd in Cheers

Similarities to Haymitch:

•  Well, he drinks a lot (+8)

Differences to Haymitch:

•  He's fucking Woody from Cheers, y'all. A character so dumb that the writers were just like, "Well, we'll give him the same name as the actor, cause some of the character's dumbness is probably going to rub off on the actor." (-25)

Score: -17

Role: Mickey Knox in Natural Born Killers

Similarities to Haymitch:

•  Can kill if necessary (+5)

•  Is a badass (+10)

•  Gives good directives, like, "We're not gonna kill anybody on our wedding day." (+8)

Differences to Haymitch:

•  Actually kills people, doesn't just Peeta-out by killing them on accident (-10)

•  Ew, we have to see him naked!! (-15)

Score: -2

Role: Larry Flynt in The People Vs. Larry Flynt

Similarities to Haymitch:

•  Shows a surprisingly human side for being sort of a disgusting bundle of flesh on the outside (+8)

•  Triumphs even when the man tries to keep him down (+5)

Differences to Haymitch:

•  I'm just sayin', if Larry Flynt lived in District 12, he would have turned Greasy Sae into a porn star within a day (-8)

•  Courtney Love is in no way affiliated with The Hunger Games, thank Christ (-3)

Score: 2

Role: Carson Wells in No Country For Old Men

Similarities to Haymitch:

•  Affable guy with a shady past (+8)

Differences to Haymitch:

•  Gets killed by a guy with Dorothy Hamill's haircut (-12)

Score: -4

Role: Tallahassee in Zombieland

Similarities to Haymitch:

•  Can wield a weapon with aplomb, if needed (+3)

•  Singularly obsessed with unhealthy product in short supply (+8)

•  Never punches any of the obnoxious snot-nosed tagalongs in his general viscinity, no matter how much he might wish to (+9)

•  Sneaky and underhanded (+2)

Differences to Haymitch:

•  Prefers Twinkies over Hooch (-6)

•  Much more badass (-7)

Score: 9

Role: Charlie Frost in 2012

Similarities to Haymitch:

•  Has tendency to live on the fringes of society (+4)

•  Everyone underestimates him but he is clearly the only person who knows what's going on (+6)

Differences to Haymitch

•  The best thing about an incredibly shitty movie that I can't believe was ever made, and if this ends up being similar to his role as Haymitch I WILL CRY 1000 TEARS!! (-12)

Score: -2

And the score is . . . NEGATIVE THIRTEEN.

You guys, I don't think this bodes well, but, hey, Harrelson has been pleasantly surprising me in the last few years, and there's no denying that he had a run in the 90s of being a total badass. So hopefully he can channel all of that into a kickass portrayal of Haymitch. What do you guys think? Is it great news? Scary news? WHATEVER-WHO-IS-PLAYING-CINNA-type news? Sound off in the comments.

(Oh, and ALSO, it bears mentioning: We have our Cato and Clove!! Alexander Ludwig is playing Cato, and I don't really give two shits about him, but Isabelle Furhmann is playing Clove! That girl is fucking INTENSE! Seriously, if you haven't seen Orphan yet, you should; it's one of the few original slasher/psychodramas that has enjoyed a fairly wide publicity campaign in recent years, and it was surprisingly awesome. And she was INSANE in it. A+, casting directors! This may be my favorite decision yet!)

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