That makes his insiduousness all the more surprising! President Snow! You're from Canada! You're supposed to love the earth and smoke pot and feel smugly superior to your neighbors to the south! Why are you spending all of your time smelling like blood?
Ha ha, just kidding. President Snow remains a Panemian (Panemite? Panemonian?), but the actor who is PLAYING him is a Canadian. Because the actor who is playing him is none other than Donald Mothereffin' Sutherland.
And, guys? For ONCE? I'm actually pretty happy.
"Hail to the Chief, motherfuckers."
Weirdly, I never really pictured Donald Sutherland for the role of Snow, but maybe that's because Donald Sutherland has built his career on being the guy you DON'T picture for things. He comes in, unassuming, and then just drops some killer performance on you and slinks back out again. No fanfare, no ingratiating awards season speeches, just a good job, well and quietly done.
Lest you think that Donald can't pull a roll like Snow off, I will remind you that he did create, WITH HIS GENETIC MATERIAL, Jack Motherfucking Bauer. So, you know. I mean, he knows his shit, is what I'm saying. President Snow is probably about to become an expert in defusing bombs in under fifteen seconds.
Much like we did with the casting news of Woody Harrelson, let's go over some of Donald "Big Bad Canadian" Sutherland's previous roles, but looking specifically at what hidden aspects of President Snow they reveal.
Role 1: John Wood/Jesse McCleary in The Saint (1965)
You guys! Did you know Donald Sutherland had been in The Saint? I don't really remember those roles, but what this reveals is that Donald is clearly adept at performing in something that is based on a series of books! And he knows that he should pick his adaptations wisely! You didn't see Donald Sutherland starring in that awful remake of The Saint with Val Kilmer and Elizabeth Shue, did you? No. No, you did not. Score one for the Canadian. (By the way, have you seen a photo of Val Kilmer lately? I would suggest that you don't.)
Role 2: Vernon Pinkley in The Dirty Dozen
Only one of the greatest films of all time, this role proves that Sutherland already has two skills crucial to portraying Snow: 1) he can be a cold-blooded killer on a mission who knows when to stay on the drive, and 2) He can count by twelves.
Role 3: Hawkeye Pierce in M.A.S.H.
Suicide is painless, but choking on your own blood until you die probably isn't. From this role, Sutherland learned how to lead a unit during the throes of battle and alsohow to inappropriately hit on people under his direct command. Snow actually never hits on anyone, but I think that's because he is one of those creepy Opus Dei self-flagellation types.
Role 4: John Klute in Klute
From this role, Donald Sutherland obviously learned the greatest Snow lesson of all - when you want something, just creepily tap a call girl's phone and then fall in love with her.
Oh, sorry. That was in another book I read called Mockingjay: After Dark.
Role 5: John Baxter in Don't Look Now
Hmm, let's see. Spooky? Check. Haunted by the memory of a girl he cannot vanquish? Check. Led to his impending doom by a symbol of all that he has lost? Check.
Role 6: Merrick in Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Stop laughing! Think about it! An older gentleman just APPEARS in some young girl's life and tells her that she soon has to start killing her enemies and then is also creepily obsessed with her menstrual cycle? That basically SCREAMS Snow.
Okay, okay; so Snow was never obsessed with Katniss's period, but it sort of seems likely that he would be, right? After all, there had to be SOME reason his breath smelled like blood.
Sorry! Sorry! I promise that is the first and last time I will ever put that image in your heads. Ugh. Let's all go take a shower in bleach now, shall we?
Role 7: Tripp Darling in Dirty Sexy Money
Here are some things that Donald Sutherland did for the short, yet too long, time that Dirty Sexy Money was on air:
• Crushed his opponents while laughing jovially
• Totally promoted the son of his best friend/arch rival over his own children
• Possibly killed his best friend
• Sold his daughter down the river to make major acquisitions
• Lifted a tv show that was increasingly full of dreck into something almost akin to art
If nothing else, Dirty Sexy Money is basically the tv version of the Hunger Games franchise. It started out so well! It was scandalous and frothyand yet you cared about the characters and wanted them to triumph! And then it started dragging onand too much time was spent on stupid sub-plots and then you just hoped everyone would die and then some of them did. But
Buttercup Brian was at least still alive and kicking. SOUND FAMILIAR?
But, really, you know what? I have given up even listing ways in which Sutherland is a great choice for Snow because he has so much experience playing creepsters who abuse their power. IT IS LITERALLY THE ONLY SORT OF ROLE HE EVER DOES. What are you haters thinking? HE IS GOING TO BE FUCKING BRILLIANT IN THIS.
Sound off, you guys. On a scale of 1 to A Shipment of Free Books, how excited are you for this news?
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