In case you missed the MTV Movie Awards last night, something totally major happened. No, I'm not talking about the fact that Robert Pattinson kissed Taylor Lautner, because you couldn't even tell if it was actually on the lips. And also, Taylor was wearing a shirt.
What I'm talking about, obviously, is the premiere of the NEW BREAKING DAWN TRAILER! HOLLA! Y'all, we keep talking about the soon-to-be void of Harry Potter movies, but is no one else concerned about what happens when the Twilight movies end? HOW WILL WE LAUGH LIVE? What will we make fun of? Whose chest and abs will we drool over?
Before you ponder those chilling questions, let's get down to the highly scientific business of trailer analysis. Because there is SO MUCH CRAY CRAY HAPPENING! And it brings me great joy.
Let's begin with a careful observation of the specimen in question:
And now, TO THE LABORATORY for some science!
DAMN those are some fine shoes. I don't know if this girl is actually a vampire, but I do know that if I had all of eternity, I could finally figure out how to walk in platforms without face-planting.
And she has an amazing back. There's no joke here, I'm just really impressed.
WAIT WHAT. They addressed the invitation to RESIDENT? WHO DOES THAT FOR A WEDDING? I mean, at least write Volturi on it so they can feel like you really want them there. Resident, now that's just cold.
Looks like Aro isn't as concerned with etiquette as I am. Which makes sense, considering he kills people.
"I wonder if I can get away with wearing my plaid flannel suit to the wedding?"
"Yay! For some reason I am totally cool with my 18-year-old daughter getting married! HOORAY! THROW THE RICE!"
That's right, Jacob. Just let it all out. And take it all off.
Ok, was it really necessary for the camera to pan down just so we could see that Jacob is wearing cargo cut-offs instead of jorts? WHERE ARE THE JORTS? I DEMAND THEM.
They really should have splurged for the paper that sparkles in daylight.
Pretty! Also, vampires obviously don't have allergies.
Presenting the next piece of Twilight merch that will look even crappier in real life!
I think Bella's eyebrows might be the best thing about this trailer. After Jacob's bare chest, of course.
"YO I GOTS TO HAVE SEX TONIGHT!"
Hey, this honeymoon looks really fun, actually! Dancing on the streets and kissing and...
OUCH WTF NO.
Ok, quit with the kink, you guys. JESUS IS WATCHING.
Damn, no wonder Bella gets pregnant. SPOILER ALERT.
After a bout of rough sex, it might not be the best idea to wear a wife beater. JUST SAYIN'.
Don't worry, Jacob! It'll all be ok! You'll fall in love with a baby named Renesmee and... you know what, forget about that. Just take off your shirt. I guarantee you'll feel better.
"When that baby eats through my stomach, it will just RUIN my figure."
Final analysis: THE DRINKING GAME FOR THIS MOVIE WILL PROBABLY KILL US.
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About the Author: Sarah lives in Austin, TX, where she programs films at the Alamo Drafthouse. Sarah enjoys fancy cocktails, dance parties and anything that sparkles (except vampires).
