Can We Stake This Vampire Trend Already?

BOOK REPORT for Bloodlines (Bloodlines Book 1) by Richelle Mead

Cover Story: HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
BFF Charm: Nay
Swoonworthy Scale: 2
Talky Talk: TMI
Bonus Factor: Boarding School
Relationship Status: Break-Up Sex

Cover Story: HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?

The rating in this section is directed at Razorbill, for BLATANTLY IGNORING all of my feedback regarding Richelle Mead's previous series, Vampire Academy. In the first printing, there were faux celebrities looking DRAMATIC and MYSTERIOUS, which I exposed as one of the top things NOT to do on a YA cover. Razorbill then decided to do a release of the books with new covers... featuring angsty, tilted faces of girls. I KNOW, RIGHT? Again, I pointed out the heinousness of this trend. So when it came time for them to publish this series, I thought, surely, SURELY they've seen the error of their ways, and these covers will feature neither celebrity look-alikes nor angsty faces. SURELY. And then I saw Bloodlines. Here is my reaction:

The Deal:

Bloodlines is the first in a new series with some of the same characters from Vampire Academy, although you don't have to have read the latter to understand the former. Well, for the most part. You might be a little confused by the world Mead has created, so lemme break it down for you. Wait-- first, grab a drink. It'll make this all go down easier.

Vampires exist, and they're two kinds of them: Moroi, who are nice to humans and don't kill them, and Strigoi, who are nasty, super dead, evil vampires. And then there's the dhampirs, who are half vampire and half human, and they protect the Moroi against the Strigoi. And THEN there's the alchemists, humans who use science and chemistry to hide the existence of vampires from the human race.

Got it? Need another drink? I know, silliest question ever!

So, Bloodlines focuses on Sydney Sage, an 18-year-old alchemist who previously disobeyed her elders by helping out Rose Hathaway (the heroine of Vampire Academy) and earning the name "vampire lover," which is the alchemist version of "super freak." In an effort to make up for her past transgressions, Sydney is assigned to watch over a Moroi named Jill, who is the sister to the newly crowned Moiroi queen and therefore a potential target for rebels who want to overthrow the monarchy. Jill's basically in the vampire Witness Protection Program, so she and Sydney enroll as sisters at a boarding school in Palm Springs, along with Eddie, Jill's dhampir (protector). In addition to watching out for Jill, who's kind of a whiner, Sydney has to deal with Keith, her alchemist superior who is a MAJOR TOOL, and Adrian Ivashkov, a Moroi Chuck Bass with a strange connection to Jill and a broken heart care of Rose. As if hiding Jill's identity and dealing with rumors of local vampire killings wasn't enough, Sydney is pulled into a mystery surrounding tattoos that seem to give her fellow students superhuman abilities. I won't spoil the rest of the plot for you, except to say that none of the tattoos were inspired by Twilight.

BFF Charm: Nay

Look, it's not that I hate Sydney. She's got a good heart, and she's smart and brave. But mixed in with these strengths are some flaws, resulting in a socially awkward know-it-all with some severe body image issues. I'm sure Mead meant for Sydney to be a realistic teenager, but her weirdness feels forced, and her obsession with her body seems tacked on and downright ridiculous. For example, she thinks that size four is fat. WHAT THE WHAT. Look, I get that eating disorders are a big deal, but there is NO WAY I would let Sydney sit with me at the caf if she was going to judge me for eating all of my fries. Plus, she's a total conversation killer. Exhibit A: Sydney's response to a girl complaining about moving to Alaska.

"I don't know," I mused, moving my food around my plate. "With all the sun and UV rays there, it seems like Anchorage might actually provide a longer life span. You don't need as much sunblock, so it's a more economical choice as well."

I'M SORRY WHAT? Not only is that a random thing to say, it doesn't even MAKE SENSE. And Sydney is supposed to be a major smarty pants. I felt like Mead was going for Hermione and ended up with Bones. And I love me some Tempe, but Sydney was too much clich and not enough genuine human.

Swoonworthy Scale: 2

My favorite part of the early Vampire Academy books is Richelle Mead's sexy time tendencies. Woman is not afraid to get things horizontal, and I was eager to see the action in this book. And guess what? I GOT NADA. I mean, mother effing Adrian Ivashkov, Vampire Playa, is in this book, and there was not ONE MEASLY KISS. I mean, I'm not even asking for tongue here, just a little something to get me through 421 pages. There's the hint of chemistry between Sydney and Adrian, and some of the side characters do a little romancin', but overall, I felt pretty ripped off.

Talky Talk: TMI

When I reviewed Spirit Bound, the last Vampire Academy book I read, I labeled Richelle's style as Exposition Exploitation. I wish I could say that my opinion of her style has improved... but it hasn't. Sure, the plot is fun, and there's a few pulse-pounding moments, but the pacing would be a lot snappier if Mead didn't feel the need to EXPLAIN EVERYTHING ALL OF THE TIME. She's like Captain Obvious on truth serum. Details should serve a purpose, and yet instead of using them to build complex characters, Mead wastes them on clothing descriptions (Only Ann M. Martin can get away with this) and clarifying plot points that are already CRYSTAL CLEAR. I realize that this style doesn't bother some people, but in case you can't tell, it really frosts my cookies.

Bonus Factor: Boarding School

Amberwood Prep isn't full of supernatural creatures-- it's just your average boarding school. And by average I mean awesome.

Casting Call:

Ashley would definitely make Sydney more likeable while realistically capturing her weirdness.

Ashley Rickards as Sydney

I cast Adrian in my last VA review as Alex Pettyfer, before I knew he was such a douchebag. And while Adrian is kind of douchey, I've grown to like him, so I'd like to replace Alex with someone who can be both dickish and hot at the same time:

Shiloh Fernandez as Adrian

Relationship Status: Break-Up Sex

Look, Vampire Academy. We had a good run together. Our first two dates were smokin' hot, and your appreciation of strong females was super attractive. But then... things changed. YOU changed. Your characters lost their appeal, and your plots grew less and less compelling. I already told you that the magic between us was gone, and it's been almost 8 months since we broke up. But then you mailed me that cookie cake, and I remembered the chemistry we used to share. Plus, with a new main character, you seemed a little different than before, and I thought, hey, why not give it another go? One lackluster night was enough to remind me of all of the reasons we broke up, and while I wish you well, I have to be honest: I am 100% over you. But, seriously, thanks for the cookie cake. IT WAS DELICIOUS.

FTC Full Disclosure: I received a review copy from Penguin.I received neither moneynor cocktails for this review (dammit!). Bloodlines is available now.

Want to try this book out for yourself? Leave a comment for a chance to win a copy of the book, plus a Vampire Academy tote bag and some sweet Bloodlines temporary tattoos. (Sorry, they don't come with special powers.)