Hi, FYA! I hope you've all recovered from your lovely long weekend, if you got one. I personally recovered with a sore throat and itchy eyes, possibly as a reaction to all the CRAZY OUT OF CONTROL FIRES eating up my state. I know a lot of you in America are probably sick of all the rain - we aren't. Please send it our way.
Anyhooskies, it's The Lying Game time! I haven't watched this show since the pilot! I have no idea what's going on and I don't remember anyone's names! Hooray! This recap will be informative and helpful, I am sure!
Also, just as an aside, the title of this episode obviously puts me in mind of Sense and Sensibility, and I found myself wishing throughout this unending, boring-ass hour of television that I were reading, watching, or, indeed, going on some sort of pastoral recreation of Sense and Sensibility instead. Therefore, I wish to begin this recap with a little bit of Marianne and Elinor being the BAMF they are.
Yeah, I've been waiting to pull that out for a while now.
Also! One thing hasn't changed on this show! The announcer still says "The Lion King" instead of "The Lying Game!" Stop doing that, deep-voiced announcer guy!
Previously on The Lion King: Someone stole Rich Twin's laptop! But they found it in Low Rent Pacey Witter's car! But Low Rent Pacey Witter and Poor Twin keep smooching! Meanwhile, some blonde guy gives his number to that blonde girl who is the sister of Rich Twin/Poor Twin; the birth mother really wanted to keep Poor Twin, it seems; Rich Twin wants to stay with some guy in LA; Nathan Petrelli/Mr Natalie Maines is spying on Poor Twin. Cheer up, Poor Twin. He's probably your dad and that means you can't be killed!
Show. Poor Twin is running. Again. Ugh. But a car is stalking her. Poor Twin runs faster! I drink more wine and take a big bite of my ravioli. Oh! It's Nathan Petrelli! He's busting Poor Twin's chops about running outside at night. Poor Twin is all, "I got lost," and Nathan Petrelli is like, "but I used to drive you and Mads down this road to Tumble Tykes every day when you were seven!" Yeah, Nathan Petrelli. Kids really absorb direction from the backseat of a minivan. Look, one time when I was sixteen and my mom was back home in Mississippi taking care of my grandma, I tried to drive myself to my doctor's office. The same doctor's office, mind, that I had been going to for something like 11 years. The doctor's office that was 15 minutes away, if that. I ended up in the Third Ward in Houston. A kindly prostitute had to give me directions back to the freeway. Kids don't grasp directions.
Credits. It's the floaty bikini girls!
Show! Nathan Petrelli is telling Concerned Mercer Father that Poor Twin was really scared. Then they discuss how Rich Twin was asking questions about her birth mom this past summer. They both have a lot to lose, so Rich/Poor Twin can never learn the truth. "Just keep her away from LA," Nathan Petrelli cautions. Concerned Mercer Father is like, "well, last time I checked, my kid is right here! Can't be two places at once!" She can if she cuts her hair and learns to chew her fingernails!
Poor Twin is always making this face. Perhaps some dulcolax?
Upstairs, Poor Twin is freaking out via Nameless Video Messenger Service to Rich Twin. Doesn't Rich Twin think it's suspicious that Nathan Petrelli was RIGHT THERE during her run? Rich Twin is nonplussed. Rich Twin wants to come home because she misses her family. Poor Twin is like, "your friends are so amazing!" Um . . . really? Because they haven't seemed so amazing on account of how, you know, generally awful they are?
Rich Twin needs Poor Twin to remember hanging out with Birth Mom so that Rich Twin can come back home and swim in her pool some more. Think, Poor Twin! Think!
At Low Rent Pacey Witter's house, his brotheris trying to prep him for his arraignment. There is a lot of pleading of innocence and fixing of ties. I'm bored.
Ballet Class! The world's worst ballerinas are practicing inside while Poor Twin doodles in her journal. Nesha, whose name I actually remember because it rhymes with Lesha, Kesha, Freesia and the host of other names I thought were hers because no one on this show knows how to enunciate, comes up to smark on Poor Twin and her journal. Nesha mentions that she and Poor Twin (well, Rich Twin, really) have been friends since they were three, so it seems that this recent unrest is probably due to THE LYING GAME. WHATEVER THAT IS.
Nesha is there because her tennis coach is making her take ballet, presumably so that she can glissee to the net and turn her backhands into port de bras. If only all tennis matches were run by dance instructors. SUCK YOUR STOMACH IN, ROGER FEDERER; NO ONE WILL PAY TO SEE AN ELEPHANT FLOPPING ABOUT THE COURTS! AH, PERFECT, SERENA WILLIAMS; NOW DO IT AGAIN. I smell another Center Stage sequel.
Mercer House. Concerned Mercer Parents want to talk to Poor Twin about Low Rent Pacey Witter. They don't want her to see him. Poor Twin proclaims his innocence! No one is perfect, right, Concerned Mercer Father? Poor Twin agrees to stop seeing Low Rent Pacey Witter, but I do not believe her!
Commercials. ABC Family will be airing The Parent Trap (Lohan version) soon. This is all so meta that my head just exploded.
Show. Hey! Blonde Guy has shown up to Mercer House to take out Blonde Sister! Concerned Mercer Father bonds with Blonde Guy over golf. I bet Low Rent Pacey Witter doesn't get to golf with anyone.
Here is Blonde Sister, ready for her date.
The Blonde People are at some restaurant in which people play Spanish guitars. Lord, save me now. Blonde Girl eats marachino cherries during the date, because she has all the class of a twelve year old at her first make out party. It seems that Blonde Guy accidentally tipped the guitarist a 50 instead of a 5, and now he's low on cash, and if I had a nickel for all the times that's happened to me, I'd have exactly zero nickels. The two bills don't even look the same! Blonde Girl spots him some money, and raise your hand if you think that was a scam. Maybe it's just me, but I trust no one on this show. Or onany show. Or in life, really.
Actually, that did happen to me once, now that I think about it, though not with money. I'm eight years older than my brother, so I babysat him a LOT during junior high and high school. Before they'd go out, my parents would usually sign a check, made out to the pizza place, and we'd call and order a pizza. I'd always fill in the check and then give it to the guy. (Now that I think about it, this may not have been legal. I digress.) Anyway, one time I filled out the check and accidentally handed it, plus my father's pen, to the pizza delivery guy. The pen was a Mont Blanc. I, uh . . . I wasn't allowed to touch the fountain pens after that.
Hilariously, I'm sure that three hundred dollar pen ended up on the floor of that delivery guy's car, only to be tossed in the garbage months later along with sticky porn magazines and half-empty Route 44 cups from Sonic.
Ah, the folly of youth!
At the same restaurant, the Two Friends of Rich Twin are discussing how secretive Poor Twin has become. Then they happen upon The Blonde People. Blonde Friend of Rich Twin is pretty annoyed to see that another blonde has already stolen her spot in The Blonde Power Couple.
Mercer House. Concerned Mercer Mom is turning out lights when she overhears Poor Twin having a nightmare. Poor Twin was trapped! And it felt like she was drowning! "This is the first time in ages," Concerned Mercer Mom said. Rich Twin used to have that nightmare all the time as a kid. It seems Poor Twin had the same nightmare. Well, isn't that interesting. Concerned Mercer Mom rubs Poor Twin's back till she falls asleep. Aw, moms are the best.
Commercials. Okay, now they're just fucking with me. There's a g-d commercial for The Lion King.
Ooh! There's also a sneak peek for that Revenge show I don't understand! I think it might star LeAnn Rimes? Anyway, LeAnn Rimes is at some sort of engagement party but her boyfriend is missing! And everyone is dressed in red! And . . . that's all of it. Huh.
Show. Rich Twin and Poor Twin are Generically Video Chatting about their shared nightmare. It's Twinsense! Rich Twin seems to think that whatever happened, it happened to Poor Twin and Rich Twin just psychically dreams about it. I'd like to psychically finish someone's dirty martini right now, if anyone happens to be drinking one while reading this. Hit me up on the Matrix later.
Rich Twin suggests that Poor Twin talk to Low Rent Pacey Witter about her dream, since he is in tune with The Spirits Of Our Ancestors, or whatever. "I don't want to cause trouble," Poor Twin simpers. "Then don't," Rich Twin snaps. I like Rich Twin better. Also her hair is fluffier.
School. Blonde Friend of Rich Twin is upset that she isn't going to be able to nosh on Blonde Guy's lunch. She's particularly mad to hear that Poor Twin set them up! "You're taking your sister's side over your friend's?" Is everyone on this show high? OF COURSE SHE IS. Nesha overhears all of this, looking either wistful or intrigued or constipated. Not sure!
I should point out, bee tee dubs, that Poor Twin is wearing some sort of silver-sequined top/crocheted shorts romper. TO SCHOOL. IN PUBLIC.
What? Why? WHAT?
In the Ubiquitous Outdoor Cafeteria That Every Show Has For Reasons That Elude Me, the Blonde Power Couple are talking about how blonde and awesome they are. Then Blonde Sister tells Poor Twin that Low Rent Pacey Witter has been suspended for stealing Rich Twin's laptop. Oh noes! Poor Twin rushes out.
Jesus, this show isn't finished yet?
Country Club. Low Rent Pacey Witter has been suspended and fired. He and Poor Twin make a date to meet and interpret Poor Twin's dream. Also, Low Rent Pacey Witter is being tried as an adult!
Golfing Things. Blonde Guy is scalping Concerned Mercer Father and Nathan Petrelli at golf. He has now collected money from 1/2 of the Mercer family! Concerned Mercer Father and Nathan Petrelli talk some more about the mistake that is haunting Concerned Mercer Father. I'm over this. Kill off Rich Twin and let's get on with it already.
In The Ballet Class for One, that ballet teacher that's Fitzing Mads is teaching Nesha how to tendu. Mads comes in with a smoothie and he asks her to demonstrate said tendus. And I think I'm supposed to be impressed but her tendus are AWFUL. Her toe skips off the ground all three times! What the hell! This shit is simple, actors/director! Are you telling me that no one that works on this show had at least three years of ballet class under their stylish yet affordable belts and could dictate the whole "pencil" technique to this actor?
ALSO TUCK YOUR BUTT IN, MADS; NO ONE WILL PAY TO SEE AN ELEPHANT ON STAGE!
Nesha is summarily dismissed so that Mads can get to being Fitzed.
Country Club! Poor Twin storms in to give the Baby speech to Concerned Mercer Father and Nathan Petrelli, in re: providing Low Rent Pacey Witter an alibi. "Maybe it was that old couple, the Schumachers? I saw them with a couple of wallets!" Nathan Petrelli thinks that a few years in jail might do Low Rent Pacey Witter some good. Well, it'd do his haircut some good, that's for damn sure. Besides, if Low Rent Pacey Witter is innocent, then who is guilty?! Well, it seems it was Blonde Sister, who staged the break in, as she conveniently comes in to confess to Concerned Mercer Father.
Commercials. AHHH DREAM HOUSE. WHY ARE YOU SHOWING ME THIS, ABC FAMILY? I think there should be a reverse-watershed rule for scary movies and trailers for scary movies. They should only air before six pm so that I don't fall aslep thinking about them!
I can't believe this show is only half over.
Show. Blonde Sister is confessing to Concerned Mercer Parents. She was just jealous of Rich Twin! Low Rent Pacey Witter is off the hook, but Blonde Sister is grounded. Of course, Blonde Sister is lying to do Poor Twin a solid. Blonde Sister is so nice!
In LA, Rich Twin's little video game-playing friend is photoshopping the old photo of Birth Mom and Poor Twin in order to see the details more clearly. The water tower behind them is from some town in California! They hug! Boners sprout.
Mercer House. Poor Twin is studying up on twintuition when Low Rent Pacey Witter rings the bell. He's there to hear Blonde Sister's apology. The Mercer Parents are so Concerned and Apologetic! Low Rent Pacey Witter accepts graciously. Concerned Mercer Father still isn't all that sold on Low Rent Pacey Witter. Probably because he can't golf and isn't blonde.
The Ballet Studio Where Terrible Technique Is Being Taught. Mads shows up for her Fitzing, but the dance teacher doesn't want to Fitz her! Because she's underage! Well, hey! There's at least one person on an ABC Family show who doesn't want to get young poontang! Mads kisses him, which Nesha takes photos of. But she leaves before he kicks her out, so she thinks they're Fitzing.
Char's house. See! I'm learning their names! Nesha comes over to give her back some movie from two years ago that Char left over at Nesha's house. We get it, Show. A long time ago, clap clap, they used to be friends, but they haven't thought of each other lately at all. If ever again a greeting Char sends to Nesha, short and sweet to the soul she intends.
By the way, Char never set out to replace Nesha as Rich Twin's best friend! Nesha drops the bomb about Mads and the Fitzing. WHY IS THIS A PLOT LINE?
Meanwhile, Poor Twin is trying to get Low Rent Pacey Witter to stop caring about his life and worry about hers. He, like, has training as a regression hypnotherapist, or something? Or it's his First Nations blood? I don't get it. Poor Twin just wants to talk about how awesome Concerned Mercer Mother is. Then she throws the photo of her and Birth Mother into the fire. But that sparks a memory! She wasn't drowning! She couldn't breathe because she was trapped in a fire!
Road Trip! Rich Twin and The Guy are in Fillmore, CA, a town that doesn't contain much more than some mile marker signs. Poor Twin calls. She was in a fire! Look for a burning house! Come to Texas! We've got plenty of them!
School. Char is so mad at Mads that she refuses coffee. That is pretty mad. Char is so upset that Mads dare have sex without telling her. Jesus, Char. IT IS NOT YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WHO ANYONE ELSE IS FUCKING. MADS' VAGINA DOES NOT NEED TO SEND YOU GOOGLE ALERTS WHEN IT IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS.
Road Trip. Rich Twin has found the burned out house. She and Poor Twin video conference as Rich Twin walks through the house. Poor Twin remembers things! There were stars! And indeed, there are stars on the ceiling of what looked to be the nursery. The ceiling mural is signed by one Annie Hobbs. Poor Twin thinks this is Birth Mother's name, but doesn't it make more sense that she just hired someone to paint the fucking ceiling?
Mercer House. Poor Twin and Low Rent Pacey Witter are talking about the burned out house. Poor Twin needs to know what happened to her Birth Mother! And she thinks that maybe Concerned Mercer Father knows more than he's saying!
And now there is tennis! Poor Twin and Concerned Mercer Mother have just had a round of ballet tennis. Poor Twin wants to know how Birth Mother died. Concerned Mercer Mom doesn't know, but she wishes that she could have met her to thank her for springing forth Rich Twin from her loins. This, by the way, is a sentiment often expressed to women who give birth, so if any of you are looking to do that at some point, be forewarned. People will try to thank you for giving them "this precious gift." (Usually this will be your babydaddy's mom, but sometimes random citizens at the grocery store will say this to you while you are debating whether to purchase gruyere or emmental cheese.) They will clasp your hand, stare into your eyes, and earnestly thank you for providing the world with this offspring. The proper response to this is to sarcastically say, "Yes! I suffered pain, fatigue, Braxton-Hicks contractions, swollen legs, morning sickness, hormonal craziness, hemorrhoids and the worst pain of my entire life ALL FOR YOU. YOU ARE WELCOME."
Mercer House. Blonde Sister catches Low Rent Pacey Witter's sneaking into Rich Twin's room. Then Rich Twin calls on the screen! But they successfully avoid letting Blonde Sister in on the secret. After Blonde Sister leaves, Rich Twin tells Poor Twin that she's not coming home till she finds out what happens to Birth Mother! Poor Twin is worried about what's going to happen to her when Sutton gets back. Then she and Low Rent Pacey Witter stroke each other's hair for a while.
They're still trying to make this happen, huh?
Downstairs, Concerned Mercer Parents are discussing Poor Twin's theory that Birth Mom DIAF. Concerned Mercer Father catches sight of a notepad that Poor Twin was sketching on and quickly makes up some bad lie about needing to go to the office. Cut to! Concerned Mercer Father is in a parking lot, talking to Nathan Petrelli. No way did Blonde Sister steal that laptop! Shit's going down and Concerned Mercer Father doesn't know what to do! Don't worry, Nathan Petrelli will do all the dirty work, just like in high school! But when Concerned Mercer Father shows Nathan Petrelli the notepad - with "Annie Hobbs" scribbled all over it - he looks like he needs to poop. Or it's intrigue. I HONESTLY CAN'T TELL.
THE END. The Meg(h)ans will be taking over the recaps for the next two weeks, which means you get three times the hilarity for the price of one hour of boredom while watching this show! We need to come up with a drinking game already.