Last week, I decided to find out how many of y'all I lured into watching MTV's Awkward. It turns out that I am incredibly persuasive! At least, on this website. Not so much with the free drinks at my local bar.
Anyhoo, now that I know I've got people I can spazz out with about Jenna, Valerie and the gang, I've decided to recap the show each week so we can analyze every little detail. So if you watched last night's episode, "The Adventures of Aunt Ally and Lil' B," join me at the jump for some great red cup photo opps!
First, an important summary:
Fave slang/phrase: "Tape your girls up!"
Matty or Jake (who won this episode): Jake
OMG moment: TAMARA WROTE THE LETTER?!!!!
Here's what happened:
For some reason, my DVR always cuts off the first minute of this show, so I have no idea what happened before cupcakes appeared, but does anything really matter BC (Before Cupcakes)?
So Jenna's mom (known as Teen Mom from here on out) is bribing her with cupcakes to soften the blow of the surprise arrival of her hobag BFF, Ally. Ally has called Jenna "Li'l Bitch" since she was born, and since I always appreciate people who shorten "little," I like Ally immediately. But then she greets Jenna with a nipple twist, and I lose all respect for her.
And then there's her midriff-baring top.
Teen Mom and Ally decide that Jenna needs to throw a kegger at the house, and Tamara is stoked about all of the "red cup photo opps." Jenna is unconvinced, mainly because she has an awesome montage of memories of Ally making poor decisions that led to the involvement of CPS. Ming calls (have y'all seen Jessica Lu's IMDB profile pic? Girlfriend is GORGEOUS!) and wonders why she's always the last to know about things, because Teen Mom already logged into Jenna's Facebook and posted about the party.
Ricky Schwartz loses his Tino status by calling T and becoming an actual (awesomely douchebaggy) character, then Matty calls and says he's in for the party. I get mad at Jenna for getting excited, but then I forgive her when she asks "What's your fave [beer]?" which is so adorakable and something I SO would have done (but in college, because I was lamer than Jenna). Ming offers to stay on Skype and be the party police in Jenna's bedroom, and T says "sexcretions" which simultaneously makes me gag and giggle.
Jenna's all, "Matty will finally see me as girlfriend material, just because I'll have this awesome party!" which earns her a tally mark in the Face Punch column. As the gals prepare for the party, Ally insists on helping Jenna find a new wardrobe, with the first step being: "Tape your girls up!" This may be my favorite moment of this episode, because it's both hilarious and, well, pretty effective! Ally gives Jenna a pill to help her calm down, and I start hoping it's a muscle relaxer a la Sixteen Candles.
Duct tape really DOES fix everything.
Insert party montage, and Jenna opens the door looking particularly foxy to greet Matt and Jake. Then, major record scratch moment when she wakes up with Ally in her bed, who tells her that she took out a guy with her tongue. But which guy was it? RUH-ROH!!!
At this time, I'd like to pause for a moment of silence in memory of all of those memories that we've lost to tequila shots and Everclear party punch. Oh 3 AM, you are gone
but not forgotten.
Apparently inspired by Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night," Jenna tries to put the pieces together by looking at Facebook pictures. Teen Mom pulls her downstairs to start cleaning up, and I'm reminded of why backyard parties are always the way to go. (Hint: Grass makes vomit disappear!) Teen Mom and Ally apparently had a fight, and Jenna sees boob marks on the window, which is my second favorite moment of this episode. Maybe because I instantly thought of Baker 13, this club at my college that ran around naked, covered in shaving cream, once a month and left numerous butt prints on windows (and occasionally shattered them in the process).
Flashback to the party, with Ricky Schwartz leading a rousing chant of "Put 'em on the glass!" a request Tamara is only too happy to accommodate. She then sends Jenna after Ricky to figure out if he's got a T-boner, and seriously, can she really not tell that Jenna is EFFED UP? Jeezy creezy. Jenna ends up talking to Matty, who can tell (unlike her BEST FRIEND) that she's wasted, and I begrudgingly give him points for not taking advantage of her.
There's no way it's possible to look so dreamily at someone wearing a backward baseball cap. Without the help of drugs.
Then the flashback flickers to Jenna spitting a shot on the couch in front of Jake. Jake sits down next to her, and Jenna tells him the one thing a guy never wants to hear: "You're one of the nicest people I've ever known." BURN! Then she makes it even worse: "You're like a puppy." Dude, Jake, I think you've officially been relegated to the friend zone.
Back to the present, Teen Mom is upset about Ally giving Jenna the pill, and I can't help but notice how flawless Teen Mom looks compared to Ally and even Jenna. I hope Teen Mom becomes the official spokesperson for a facial product company so I can buy all of that shizz and put it on my face.
Ding dong, Jake's at the door! It turns out that Jenna didn't kiss him, she lectured him! She told him he shouldn't have kissed her since he has a girlfriend! BOOM! When this happened, I literally shouted at the TV, "YOU GO, GIRL!" and realized I am sooo Valerie. Awesome. Jake says, "So just friends?" a statement that is NEVER, EVER actually meant by the person saying it.
Flash back to the party, and Effed Up Jenna finally gets real with Matty. Insert another Valerie-style fist-pump. Matty denies everything that Jenna says, but come on. He hasn't wanted to be seen with her in public! He's been an asshole! Also, Matty? You should stop wearing that Stanford hat cos they don't admit dumb people there.
In the present, Jenna sends a quick apology text to Matty (LIKE HE DESERVES IT), then Ming calls Jenna even though she's supposed to be studying Portuguese. Ming, I love you more and more each day. She asks if Jenna has seen the most recent pic on Facebook, and then Matty texts back with a simple: "Sure." ASSHAT.
Jenna pulls up the latest FB pic from the party, and OH SHIZZ YOU GUYS JENNA KISSED RICKY. GROSS! And also, poor Tamara! Jenna heads back to help with the clean-up and is really sweet to Ally even though Ally peed in her closet. Dude, Jenna, I don't care what those Febreeze commercials say-- I've been in enough dive bar bathrooms to know that yr sweaters will smell like piss for the next five years.
Ally apologizes to Teen Mom using Jenna's recommended technique of saying sorry, really meaning it then dishing out a compliment. Teen Mom takes Jenna out for donuts, and they stop on the way home so Jenna can apologize to Tamara. Teen Mom swears that T will forgive her, but since the box is missing donut holes, I'm not so sure.
Tamara opens the door and has V. ANGRY EYES. She takes the donuts, shuts the door, then opens it again and throws down the BFF framed picture of her and Jenna.
Then she tells Jenna that Matty is only using her for sex, and... WHAT THE WHAT, SHE WROTE THE LETTER?!!!!!!
DANG Y'ALL! This episode was batt shiznatt insane!!!!!!! But the trailer for next week made me realize how much I missed Valerie, which is cool, because initially, I thought she felt like a really flat, cliched character. Now I see her rapping a birthday song and quoting Long Duck Dong, and I realize that I'm a total sucker for really cliched characters. At least, the adorably goofy ones.
So, what did y'all think?!!
Next episode: "My Super Bittersweet Sixteen"