Hey there, jorts enthusiasts! I'm sure I'm not the only one who is totally freaking out over this new trailer for Breaking Dawn: Part 1, because it is, as expected, BALLS TO THE WALLS INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE. You know, I used to complain about how they split the book into two movies just to make money, but after seeing this beautiful slice of cray, I am simply thankful for Hollywood greed. And you know Part 2 is going to be even more breathtakingly ridiculous.
But let's not get ahead of ourselves. This trailer is full of important information that must be examined under the FYA microscope. So slap on your safety goggles and let's do some science!
First, we must observe the specimen as a whole:
Now that we've sufficiently examined the trailer, it's time to dissect it in order to gain a fuller understanding of the insanity within.
Apparently, the wedding colors are lavender and CLEAVAGE.
Oh, Charlie, God bless you for managing to add the only emotional depth to the entire Twilight series.
NEW MERCH ALERT!
Although I'm sure they've sold a TON of these gorgeous rings, AMIRITE LADIES?
Ok, seriously, WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? There is no way the Cullens or the Swans have that many friends. There's a serious wedding crasher problem here, people.
Let's hear it for teen marriage!! Yay!! Clap clap!!!
Jacob is a sad pants! Or should I say, sad jorts. Also, I guarantee that this scene will upset me greatly, because I'm Team Jacob, and then I'll get even angrier because I'll realize that I'm just a pawn in Stephenie Meyer's game. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME, MEYER?
"Hmm. Should I have packed condoms?... Nah!"
The only thing preventing this from being a sweet hip hop video is a lack of sunlight and ladies in bikinis.
In spite of their super strength, even vampires aren't graceful when it comes to carrying the bride over the threshold.
"We're going to lose our deposit, aren't we?"
Let's talk about sex, baby! Let's talk about you and me! Let's talk about all the good things...
... And the bad things that may be!
BEST. PILLOW. FIGHT. EVER.
"That was the best night of my existence." Seriously, the drinking game for this movie is writing itself.
Even I will admit that this is hot. Clichéd but hot.
"Does this shirt make me look fat?"
When did they decide to make Edward's face CGI?
I don't know if you guys are aware of this, but the hair & make-up artist found inspiration for Carlisle's look from another YA book! Pretty cool, right?
Oh Bella, you look tired, sweetie.*
*That's Southern for: You look like shizz.
I wish someone had gotten Bella one of those t-shirts with an arrow pointing to the belly that says, "Jacob's Soulmate."
Jake is angry! But not angry enough to tear off his shirt. Which means he is NOT ANGRY ENOUGH.
Don't cry, Jacob! You'll find your one true love soon! Actually... yeah, just let it out.
Finally! Someone who understands the proper uniform of werewolves!
Seriously, this CGI wolf looks better than Edward's face.
Director's note to Kristen: "Look constipated as much as possible."
Director's note to Robert: "Act with your mouth, not your eyes."
Director's note to Taylor: "Take off your shirt." Wait, I'm sorry, that's what the note SHOULD HAVE BEEN.
"Hold up, you mean this isn't an audition for The Bachelor?"
OH HAI!
I'm sure it seemed economical at the time, but using the same make-up for vampires and for Bella being sick probably wasn't the best idea.
Producer: "See, if we put in some badass wolf fights, we'll totally attract a male audience for this movie! It's totally not too late to do that!"
This reminds me of the time Spiderman caught Mary Jane's lunch and tray in the cafeteria. Except less cool.
HEEEEEERE'S RENESMEE! And based on the sound Bella makes at the end of this trailer, it will be just as gory as I'd hoped. Labor porn is totally the new torture porn.
CONCLUSION:
I'm not even being ironic when I say that I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THIS MOVIE.
So, fellow scientists, what's yr hypothesis? Intellectualize away in the comments!
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About the Author: Sarah lives in Austin, TX, where she programs films at the Alamo Drafthouse. Sarah enjoys fancy cocktails, dance parties and anything that sparkles (except vampires).
