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The Secret Circle 1x1: Pilot

It's the very first recap of The CW's latest attempt to capitatlize on the supernatural teens phenomenon The Secret Circle! And Erin already kind of regrets it!

The Secret Circle 1x1: Pilot

Oh my god, you guys!!! THE GREATEST THING EVER HAS FINALLY HAPPENED! The Vampire Diaries is back! Finally, Shirtless Salvatores back on my screen!

Also, there's this other show called The Secret Circle. That's the show I had to watch instead, because I only had time to watch one show on Thursday evening. You can imagine how sad this makes me. Or maybe you can't, because you think I'm being sarcastic. I'm not. I'm really that sad. Shows about teen witches cannot compare to shows about Shirtless Salvatores. It's, like, science.

Posh and I will be splitting the recapping duties on this one, but since she's too busy watching Footloose, I drew the short straw. Anyway, let's see what this show about secret witchy witches is about, eh? Will it be as good as The Craft? Somehow I doubt it.

The best thing about this show is that the first few minutes of my recording are the last few minutes of The Vampire Diaries. But I have no idea what is going on!! WHY IS MRS LOCKWOOD SHOOTING CAROLINE? NO ONE SHOOTS CAROLINE! Great, now this is going to bug me until I can watch it. Or read Jenny's recap, I guess.

Show! Already I can tell this is a CW show and not an ABC Family show because it starts with Current Indie Pop Music Played At Nearly Ear-Splitting Level. I am getting too old for tv. And, you know, I still Regularly Attend Concerts and shizz. I'm about to become that sad person wearing the tshirt of the band's original tour in 1973, aren't I?

A blonde girl, who is like the worst driver ever, is driving along a road at night when she blows a tire. The blonde driver is so bummed ,even more so when a nearby car drives off instead of helping her. The soundtrack is letting us know that these are Creepy Circumstances, because piano keys are plinking.

Bad Driver calls her mom, who is busy cooking a lovely and delicious meal at home. Her mom is, like, 12. When did this woman spawn? She's my age. Teen Mom starts hearing a strange static over the phone, and then tons of crazy shizz starts happening inside her house. The pipes burst, the stove lights on fire, the kitchen goes up in smoke. All of this seems to be linked to a total creepster outside who is lighting matches in a sinister way. Much like other CW shows based on LJ Smith books, this guy looks like a young Harry Hamlin. Is that a contractual stipulation with LJ Smith's people? "There will be at least one character who menacingly stares at people from across the street. This character must have a cheekbone to chin ratio of 8:1. No, no, not 10:1; we aren't hiring Edward James Olmos here."

Teen Mom manages to choke out a panicked "Cassie" before going 'splodey. Man, I do love a series that starts with a Mom death. It reminds me of growing up and watching Disney films.

Bye, dead Teen Mom!

The credits on this show . . . could use some work.

Show! It's one month later! Good. Hopefully this lapse in time will mean we don't have to deal with any stupid Seven Stages of Grief bullshit and can start right in on the boning. There will be boning on this show, right? I'm not recapping another show without sex in it! My contract clearly stipulates that all new shows must include a high sex quotient and also a charming and lovable character whose sarcasm merely hides her deeply tender soul. Also someone with really great abs. I don't ask for much, people.

Anyway, I don't think I'm going to get my wish. It's been a month, but Cassie is still crying. She's driving into Chance Harbor, Washington. Chance Harbor looks like a small harbor town in the way that I wish my own town looked. Apparently the trick is that if you are going to live near the sea, it has to be a harbor, and not, say, an international shipping port used for oil tankers. The devil is in the details.

Cassie rolls up to a nice little Craftsman cottage and some crazy-haired lady comes rushing out. This is Cassie's grandmother. She looks like she probably had Teen Mom as a teen. Babies having babies. So sad.

I want this house for my own! There are stained glass windows and WOOD FURNISHINGS. I can already tell that this house will be my favorite thing on this show.

It's time to get the whole story of Cassie. Her dad died when she was a baby and her mother moved them away from Chance Harbor and then she died and now Cassie is back. That's the story. Damn. I should have poured a shorter drink.

Oh, look!! There's a window that faces out to some local cheesehead's bedroom! Said Cheesehead is shirtless! Cassie shuts the drapes, but when she turns around, they're right back open again. Hooray, creepiness! Teen Grandma comes in to tuck Cassie into bed. Cassie is sad about her mom a lot. Damnit, I thought we'd passed this already during the credits. Lame, show.

Frankly, these abs are not really what I had in mind.

Morning time! Cassie is being welcomed into the high school by Principal Chamberlain, who was totally Teen Mom's sexy girlfriend at some point. Cassie doesn't remember hearing Teen Mom ever mention Principal Lesbian Lover, which depresses the principal to no end. Eh, listen to some Indigo Girls; you'll be fine.

Meanwhile! In the hallways! The cheesehead from last night is conferring with some other dude about Cassie's arrival. So informative! I can already tell you that if these are the two guys I'm expected to swoon over, I'm lacing Jenny's drink and taking over The Vampire Diaries without telling her.

Everyone seems particularly interested in Cassie, including two girls who compliment her on being pretty whilst magically unlocking Cassie's locker with their eyes. Man, I wish shit like that happened to me. I mean, that someone complimented me on being pretty while opening things. But maybe not a locker. Just, like, a jar of pickles would be nice.

I wonder if she'd also open a tricky jam jar I've had my eye on.

Diana, who I guess is going to be the Caroline of the story, given that she's perky and nice, stops by to invite Cassie out after school. Aww, she's making friends! And all she had to do was . . . stand at her locker. If only it had been that easy at my school.

More indie pop music! Let's all go to ACL and get drunk! Let's just do that in general! Cassie's at The Boathouse, which is like a local bar for children, I guess. The drunk bartender there instantly recognizes Cassie as Teen Mom's kid and starts nattering on about how in love with Teen Mom he was. There's a lot of slurring about how their families' destinies were written in the stars. And then Adam appears! Adam is the guy who isn't the blonde cheesehead. He is also Drunk Poet Bartender's son. This town is so fucking small already. It's making me want to smoke meth and get a tribal tattoo on my arm just to feel hardcore.

Cassie wanders over to sit down and is instantly joined by the two locker-opening girls from school: Melissa (Elissa?) and Faye. Faye thinks Cassie should make a play for Adam, but (M)Elissa admonishes her. Obviously an Adam/Cassie pairing would not align in the star dictionary. (M)elissa and Faye grill Cassie about her father's death and mother's death and, like, bra size or whatever. Faye is Principal Lesbian's daughter, as it turns out.

Cassie leaves and Faye and (M)elissa discuss her latent powers. Faye thinks she just needs a nudge in the right direction, so she lights Cassie's car on fire with her mind. I kind of like Faye. She has a direct approach which I find both refreshing and pleasant! Cassie, trapped in her car, panics like crazy until Adam puts the fire out . . . WITH HIS MIND.

Yeah, so. Lots of people are going to end up doing things WITH THEIR MINDS during this show. Right now I'm imagining a bigger glass of wine WITH MY MIND. I'm also imagining opening the fridge, pulling out the bottle of wine, bringing it over and topping off my glass. WITH MY MIND. Sadly, I am not a witch, so all I have now is a headache and just as much wine as I did when I started this experiment.

Well, the fire is out and my wine is slightly diminished. Diana shows up and she and Adam exchange SECRET CIRCLE LOOKS (with their minds, obvs) about the fire. Diana and Adam are dating, bee tee dubs. Cassie seems sad about that.

Are Diana and Adam written in the stars?

Adam drives Cassie home and apologizes for his drunk dad. Hey, at least your drunk dad didn't try to kill the new piece of ass with MIND FIRE.

Nighttime! Diana comes over to Faye's house to scold her about setting Cassie's car on fire. Diana and Faye are clearly having a Magical Brunette Witch power struggle. Their bosoms keep heaving at each other. This isn't really the kind of sex I had in my contract, CW, but it'll work in a pinch.

At Cassie's house, she's hallucinating that the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling are moving into different constellations. Or maybe I'm hallucinating this. I don't know. I want more wine.

Clearly the stars are moving into the shape of the ATAT Walkers from Star Wars.

Commercials! Kevin Williamson assures us that his entire writers' room constantly researches witchcraft on the Internet, using Bing. Bing will tell you whether the witchcraft you are researching is about to become more or less expensive!

Show! Cassie has made the unfortunate decision to wear only a shirt out around her new small town. She should have consulted her MIND DESIGNER. Cassie runs into the Harry Hamlin-alike, but of course does not know who he is. He knows who she is, though! Because he was friends with Teen Mom! Wasn't everyone? He also happens to be Diana's dad. Ruh roh.

Meanwhile, Teen Grandma snags Principal Lesbian Lover and questions whether the kids are practicing MIND WITCHERY. Principal Lesbian Lover denies it! If the kids were practicing witchcraft, she'd know! Bing would tell her!

Teen Grandma is on to your Lesbian Leanings!

Diana leads Cassie to the Requisite LJ Smith House Of Disrepair Set Far Away In The Woods. Faye, Adam, Melissa and Blonde Cheesehood (who has a name - Nick) are all assembled. The kids explain to Cassie that she is a witch and can light things on fire with her MIND THOUGHTS. Cassie seems confused. You know what would be nice? If one of these witches refilled my drink.

Oh! A commercial for Ringer! That's a show in which Buffy isn't playing Buffy! It's also a show in which I realize how much I dislike hearing the name "Siobhan" pronounced. Lovely spelling! But the actual pronunciation bugs me! I think maybe it doesn't sound as pretty as it should? Or maybe Sarah Michelle Gellar isn't pronouncing it right. She doesn't look Irish enough to be playing two characters called Siobhan and Bridget, though.

Show. The kids are nicely explaining the plot of this series to Cassie, as well as the viewing audience. There are six witches! One from each family! Now that Cassie is there, they can do some super cool witch stuff, like heal Neve Campbell's back scars! Cassie runs out, but Adam finds her and tells her that every one of them has lost at least one parent. Cassie is all, MAGIC DOESN'T EXIST! I DON'T HAVE MIND THOUGHTS! Adam does some sort of earth-water-fire bullshit magic to convince Cassie that she's got tons of fancy witch energy. The water on the leaf rises up in the sky and all of a sudden it is some Twilight bullshit up in those woods. So much fucking sparkling! Cassie is pretty thrilled, until Adam tries to kiss her. She runs away and all of the sparkles, much like Adam's boner, drop.

So in a few years they should end up married and she can have a baby chewed out of her.

Back on the show, everyone is quizzing Adam about the sparkly magic bullshit. They need to find Cassie because right now their magic is, like Faye's bitchface, OUT OF CONTROL.Faye isn't interested in controlling any magic, though. She wants to go party with her MIND THOUGHTS.

At The Boathouse, Cassie has gone to find Drunk Bartender. She starts quizzing him about her parents. He barely has time to tell Cassie that her dad was a Bad Man before Harry Hamlin-lite comes in to shut him down.

Faye, meanwhile, is taking her new powers out for a stroll. By which I mean she is strolling down the boardwalk, wearing only a shirt, and turning some lights off. She seems super thrilled about her fancy new MIND THOUGHTS.

Diana comes to find Cassie. It seems that sixteen years ago, one parent of each of these kids died in some sort of accident. But Diana isn't sure it was an accident! She thinks the surviving parents had something to do with it.

Faye is experiencing her new powers by making it rain. It's SO DRAMATIC. Actually, I could use a little Faye in my life right now. Anyway, Faye is close to having an orgasmic experience over the rainstorm she has caused. There is yelling! And O! faces! And a lot of heaving of breasts! Diana pleads with her to stop the storm, but Faye can't! Until Cassie comes down and shuts off the rainstorm with her MIND THOUGHTS. Good lord. Oh, also, Cassie's shirt is totally pasted to her crotch now. CW, this isn't the kind of debauched teenaged fun I had in mind.

The acting on this show is AMAZING.

"I believe i can flyyyy."

The Boathouse! Drunk Bartender is being threatened by Harry Hamlin-lite. He makes Drunk Bartender drown without any water! Using ONLY HIS MIND THOUGHTS! Drunk Bartender is okay, though. It was just a warning.

Cassie's house. Adam has come to visit her. You will be relieved to know that Cassie wears pants in her home, at least. Adam apologizes for trying to kiss Cassie.

Hey, it's the home of Principal Lesbian Lover and Faye! PLL is trying to open the door when it flies open instead! Oh, it's just Harry Hamlin-lite. They're in cahoots!! They brought Cassie to town! The Circle will have her doing whatever it is she needs them to do without even knowing it.

Bedtime. Cassie's stars are moving again. I obviously need more drugs. Or less drugs. I'm not really sure. The stars lead Cassie to a not-so-hidden compartment in the fireplace. (Yeah. Her room has a fireplace. I really want this house.) In the compartment is an old book! With a note tucked in it addressed to Cassie! Hey, it's from Teen Mom! She knows that if Cassie has found this letter, it means Teen Mom is dead. Cassie has incredible power! People will hunt Cassie! Remember to wear pants!

So, that's it! What'd you guys think? Personally, it's no Vampire Diaries, but that show took a while to get interesting too. We may just have a sleeper on our hands here, folks. Or we'll have something that puts us to sleep. It could go either way.

Next episode: "Bound"

Erin Callahan's photo About the Author: Erin is loud, foul-mouthed, an unrepentant lover of trashy movies and believes that champagne should be an every day drink. When she isn't drowning in a sea of engineers for whom Dilbert is still uproariously funny, she's writing about books, tv, the cult of VC Andrews and more.