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The Secret Circle 1x2: Bound

It's Posh's turn to recap The Secret Circle. So naturally, the only person that doesn't make her mouth-vomit isn't long for this world.

The Secret Circle 1x2: Bound

Previous episode: "Pilot"

Hey L.J. Smithians! So I finally watched Secret Circle, and all I have to say is: They should've remade The Forbidden Game instead. I mean, at least that trilogy is AWARE that it's cheesy. Secret Circle... not so much.

But actually, that's not all I have to say, because I promised Erin I would share recap duty, and if I break my promise, she might never bake me cupcakes again. So let's get on with the witchy bitchery!

It's morning, and Cassie is reading Teen Mom's book. Not only does Teen Mom have nice handwriting, she also made artsy collages and pastel drawings in her journal! You know, like we all do!

"Wow, this charcoal sketch expertly captures the human form."

Via this highly unbelievable journal, Teen Mom tells Cassie that she has incredible power, and that Teen Mom kept it a secret in order to protect her. Cassie decides to try out the POWER OF HER MIND by walking over to a candle and saying, "Give me a light." As Fairuza Balk has already proven, magic only works when you use a bitchy tone, and after Cassie adds the sass, sunlight comes streaming through her window.

Rockin' guitar music! Cheesehead sits up in bed... with Melissa! Boom chica pow pow! We learn that Cheesehead's dad is a Jesus Freak, and when Melissa asks him to keep their hook-up a secret, Cheesehead's all, "Like I would brag about this!" Melissa calls him an asshole, and I really hope she didn't have to use her MIND POWERS to figure that one out.

He does his usual shirtless-in-front-of-the-window ritual for Cassie, who asks, "Do you own a shirt?" Uh, Cassie, that line would have been funnier if Bella Swan hadn't used it first. Also, please don't quote Bella Swan.

Cassie is trying to make the curtains close, but instead, her MIND POWER slams Cheesehead's window down and shatters the glass. Cassie heads downstairs, and Teen Grandma offers to listen any time Cassie wants to talk. Something tells me Teen Grandma knows a thing or two about MIND POWER, but Cassie brushes her off and heads to school.

At the Boathouse Grill, Adam is pouring coffee, and I shudder to think about what time he has to get up to work at the Boathouse BEFORE going to school. Child labor sucks, you guys. Outside, people are setting up for the Sea Fair, which immediately peaks my interest because THERE'S PROBABLY FUNNEL CAKE THERE. Adam asks his dad, Drunk Bartender, what happened with Harry Hamlin-lite and then asks him to try to be nice, since Harry Hamlin-lite is Diana's dad. I mean, so what if he tried to drown Drunk Bartender?! Adam's trying to date his daughter! GAH. Parents just don't understand.

Over at Principal Lesbian Lover's (PLL) house, Faye comes out wearing a corset from Hot Topic. PLL is not pleased, and neither am I, because corsets are only appropriate at the Renaissance Festival, when I've had enough mead to tolerate squished boobs. Grandaddy, PLL's father-in-law, shows up at the door and claims he has "business to take care of." When my grandfather said this, he meant a trip to Wal-mart and a stop at McDonald's. I have a feeling Grandaddy means something different. PLL says he can totally stay there, and Grandaddy's all, "Yeah, because it's MY home." Elderly burn!!!!

At school, Sally Matthews, Class President, introduces herself and welcomes Cassie to the school. I already like Sally Matthews, Class President, because she's neither emo nor bitchy. Which probably means she will die at some point. Sally Matthews, Class President, invites Cassie to help her sell raffle tickets at the Sea Fair. Even though that sounds way less fun than eating funnel cake, Cassie agrees to be there.

Faye cuts into the conversation and bitchily dispatches Sally Matthews, Class President, then apologizes to Cassie for that whole storm issue. She warns Cassie that Diana will ask her to bind the circle, and if Cassie says yes, they'll lose their individual powers and be at the mercy of control freak Diana. Cassie tells Faye to leave her alone, which is about as ineffective as Faye's acting attempts.

Nice try, honey, but no one can match Fairuza Balk's Crazy Eyes.

PLL calls Harry Hamlin-lite and asks if he knows why Grandaddy is in town. PLL thinks that he's on to their secret and indicates that she didn't have anything to do with her husband's death. But maybe she does? Honestly, I was too disturbed by Harry Hamlin-lite's haircut in this scene to decipher PLL's true intentions.

Cassie walks into Chemistry class, and what a coinky dink, the rest of the circle seems to be in this class too! Also, I think the drinking game for this show should include a drink for every time something reminds you of The Craft.

Adam and Cassie exchanging longing looks, and Diana seems to be clueless about the fact that her boyfriend is interested in someone else. And also that he steals her eyeliner.

Pro-tip: Never date a boy who's prettier than you.

It's experiment time, so everyone has to wear safety glasses, and you know it just KILLS the costume designer that he/she can't make them look cooler. Faye decides to experiment with her MIND POWERS and makes the water in her beaker boil without any fire. She does the same to Cassie's beaker, causing it to explode. Then Cassie's all OH NO YOU DI'NT and makes Faye's bunsen burner burst into flame. SCIENCE IS FUN, KIDS!

Costume designer: "So we can't, like, bedazzle the glasses? Make them hot pink? Nothing? SIGH."

Cassie runs out of the room, and Adam follows her. Cassie wants to know why her MIND POWERS are so out of control and how she can stop them. Adam says she can't stop them, but he can help. And by "help," I'm pretty sure he means have sex.

They head to the Requisite LJ Smith House Of Disrepair Set Far Away In The Woods (RLJSHDSFAW), and Adam claims that no one else ever hangs out at the house, which is why they use it. REALLY? A cool old abandoned house? With no parents? And plenty of rooms for illicit activities? Yeah, I'm sure no teenager in their right mind would want to throw a kegger there.

Adam tells Cassie that Diana found her mom's Book of Shadows and that's how the circle discovered their powers. It's the only book they have access to, since witchcraft was abolished after their parents' deaths. The official story is that they all died in a boat fire, but Diana thinks it happened because they didn't bind their circle. Adam explains that the circle has more MIND POWER than any one person can handle, and binding it allows them to control that MIND POWER. Oh, and bee tee dubs, it will link all of the circle members together and limit their individual abilities.

Cassie says, "It's like I'm living in a Harry Potter movie," and Adam replies, "He has a wand." JOKE!!! Also, this is totally not like a Harry Potter movie for reasons too numerous for me to count, and now all I want is a mug of butterbeer and an hour of Ronfaces.

Meanwhile, Drunk Bartender tells Grandaddy that Harry Hamlin-lite almost drowned him WITH HIS MIND after Drunk Bartender talked to Cassie, and Grandaddy asks how that's possible, since their circle was stripped of power.

Back at school, Diana tells Faye they have to bind the circle, and Faye's all WITCH PLZ, you can't control me!

At the RLJSHDSFAW, Adam shows Cassie all of the herbs and roots they grow for spells, and really, there's no pot plants? CW, I can only suspend my disbelief so far. Adam decides to do a little training with Cassie and gives her an electrical cord, then grabs a light bulb and asks Cassie to take his hand. This is one of the lamest pick-up attempts I've ever seen, and I've watched both seasons of The Pickup Artist, you guys. Also, that show is amazing.

Adam channels the energy from the chord WITH HIS MIND and lights up the bulb. I feel like the show producers just went to their local magic shop and bought out the entire store. I really hope someone opens a can of peanuts in the next episode and one of those fake snakes spring out because I LOVE THAT TRICK.

"This bulb is a metaphor for us having sex! Also, lamaze breathing really helps you control your MIND POWERS."

Adam's all, "Feel the flow inside of you," causing me to throw up a little in my mouth. The electricity between them is so intense, the light bulb explodes. Just like Adam's boner in his pants! Cassie says, "This is a bad idea!" and runs out of the house. Yes, Cassie, yes it is.

Now we're at the Sea Fair, which will hopefully wipe the vomit taste out of my mouth. Upbeat jams! Skateboards! Balloons! Popcorn! I want to go to there! But what, no funnel cake shot? Cassie meets up with Sally Matthews, Class President, and they bond over their mutual dislike for Faye. Speaking of Faye, she's over at the ring toss with Melissa, and they're nailing every toss WITH THE POWER OF THEIR MINDS. Is this booth not manned? Are there no prizes? Why even bother if you can't walk away with a giant stuffed unicorn? Cheesehead saunters over and frattishly declares that they need to turn it up a notch. They walk away, and we see that Grandaddy's been watching!!! Oh shizz!

Diana approaches Cassie and insists that they need to bind the circle, but Cassie sticks to her guns and declines. The scene shifts to Cheesehead, who is giving Faye drops of a potion he made from the Book of Shadows. Melissa passes on the potion and watches awkwardly as Cheesehead and Faye flirt, and this is seriously straight out of a DARE movie I had to watch in 6th grade health class.

Grandaddy interrupts PLL's jewelry browsing and tells her that Harry Hamlin-lite threatened Drunk Bartender with the POWER OF HIS MIND. PLL totally lies her face off and claims that Harry Hamlin-lite doesn't have any magic powers left, but Grandaddy doesn't believe her. He's determined to stop the circle, and PLL offers to help, because she doesn't want anything to happen to Faye. Maybe PLL should use some of her MIND POWER to lie more convincingly.

PLL meets up with Harry Hamlin-lite and asks for the crystal, which is the sole source of their magic power. SERIOUSLY? A CRYSTAL? The only way that would be ok is if some Jim Henson puppets showed up.

Commercial break! Gossip Girl commercial!!! I made the effort of rewinding it back, just so I could catch a glimpse of Ethan Peck, but all I got was Elizabeth Hurley. WASTE OF REMOTE CONTROL ENERGY.

At the Boathouse Grill, Cassie brings up her last convo with Drunk Bartender, who apologizes and says the whole story is just some silly astrological lore. My outgoing Aries nature is offended by this. Then Drunk Bartender starts rambling about how Teen Mom made him feel all lit up inside, and dude, TMI.

Cassie decides to sit on a bench and enjoy the beautiful scenery, but then Adam ruins it with his face. Cassie wants to know how much Diana knows about their training session the day before, and Adam's like, "No big, I just told her that I showed you how to harness and focus yr energy." You know, by putting my boner near yr lady parts. Cassie asks, "Does it always feel like last night?" and OK WE GET IT. THIS IS ALL A METAPHOR FOR SEX. PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

"Thanks for teaching me with your magic wand, HINT HINT."

Apparently, Cassie has decided that binding the circle is the only way to go, so she wants to do it. Diana stands in the background, watching this conversation, and Faye shows up and tells her that she's about two minutes away from losing Adam. CONGRATS, DIANA! You can get your eyeliner back!

Sea Fair Party! Faye and Cheesehead are grinding on each other, and Melissa is pissed. Faye stops Cheesehead in mid-grope and asks, "Do you honestly think I would get with you?" She may be a bad actress, but at least the girl has some taste! She saunters over to Melissa (red cup photo opp!) and says, "Would you hit that? I'd have to leave my self-esteem at the door." OOH BURN.

Faye spots Cassie at the party and asks her to do some magic with her. Cassie tells her to back off, and the light bulbs flicker. WITCH SHOWDOWN! Thunder! Music video wind in Faye's hair! Faye tells Cassie to try and stop her, and when Sally Matthews, Class President, tries to intervene on Cassie's behalf, Faye tells her to go away, which Sally Matthews, Class President, literally does-- through the railing and over the side of the dock, straight down into the rocks. MOTHERCUSSER. The only character I liked so far, and she's already dead.

Cassie rushes down to check on Sally Matthews, Class President, and PLL gets her to move away from the body so she can use the crystal to bring her back to life. Hooray! I still maybe might ok not really have a reason to keep watching this show. But you know who else is watching? Grandaddy! The dude's practically the Eye of Sauron.

Harry Hamlin-lite confronts PLL about using the crystal to save Sally Matthews, Class President and says she wasted it. Dude, I'll tell you what's a waste. THAT HAIRCUT. PLL says she didn't want the guilt to destroy Faye, but newsflash, lady, Faye is already damaged goods.

Back in the Boathouse, Cassie tells Faye that they have to bind the circle, otherwise people will keep getting hurt. They all agree to meet at the beach at midnight, but I have the feeling that the binding ritual won't involve playing football under the glare of headlights. God, I wish I was watching Point Break instead.

PLL is getting her red wine on! I'm currently watching this in the morning, so I'd really prefer a mimosa. Instead, I'm watching this show completely sober, which is a mistake I will never, ever make again. Grandaddy comes into the room and tells PLL he knows about the crystal. He wants to know where she got it, since they were all destroyed, and he says there's no place for witchcraft in this world anymore. Uh, tell that to the Wiccan goth girls at the mall!

Grandaddy swears to tell the elders what's happening, and I'm hoping that one of these elders will appear on the show and actually be handsome. PLEASE. CW. THROW US A BONE HERE. Instead of giving him the crystal, PLL uses it to give Grandaddy a heart attack! Oh, your Eye of Sauron didn't see THAT coming, did it? Vaya con dios, senior dude.

In Adam's car, Diana asks if she has anything to worry about with him and Cassie. Adam says yes, and by that I mean, he asks, "Why would you ask that?" Then Diana totally loses any chance of keeping Adam by saying that she's insecure and she loves him, and then they kiss. Whatever. I WANNA SEE MORE MAGIC TRICKS.

Faye gets home, and PLL is waiting for her in the dark. Man, witch parenting is creepy. PLL asks about what happened, then tells Faye that she embarrassed herself, and THEN hugs her. Allow me to rephrase my earlier statement: Witch parenting is WHACK!

Adam tries to give Cassie a ride to the beach, but she insists that she likes walking. Adam lamely attempts to convince her that they're friends, but when she finally gets in the car, the streetlight explodes. FROM THEIR SEXUAL ENERGY.

The circle gathers around the bonfire on the beach, just like in The Craft. (Drink!) Diana reads from the book, and they all accept the circle. The fire gets really big and then... that's it. No bff charms? No friendship bracelets? Not even a little blood sharing? LAMEST RITUAL EVER.

At least make the fire turn purple or something!

So... yeah. What did y'all think? Those of you who read the trilogy-- is the show faithful to it at all?

Next week: Faye is pissed to discover that she can't use her power without another circle member present. And someone's trying to kill them?! GOOD LUCK ERIN.

Posh Deluxe's photo About the Author: Sarah lives in Austin, TX, where she programs films at the Alamo Drafthouse. Sarah enjoys fancy cocktails, dance parties and anything that sparkles (except vampires).