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The Secret Circle 1x4: Heather

Posh recaps this week's episode of The Secret Circle by recalling movies that would be a much better use of her time. AND WITH WINE. ALWAYS THE WINE.

The Secret Circle 1x4: Heather

Previous episode: "Loner"

Heeeeey guys. Do you feel like discussing last night's trainwreck of a Secret Circle episode? No? Well, TOO BAD. I spent two hours of my precious time (I have to stop and start the show while taking notes, and also to chug wine) watching this shizz last night, so we are going to TALK ABOUT IT. And you will LIKE IT.

Actually, you won't like it, and I'll never know if you stop reading this post and decide to just re-read Jenny's Vampire Diaries recap because it really is much more worth yr time. So, yeah, let's just get this over with.

Cheesehead and Melissa are really into sex, you guys. And it is really grossing me out. Especially when Cheesehead starts using his MIND POWER to slowly unbutton Melissa's blouse. Not even a whole glass of wine could wipe the taste of bile out of my mouth after this moment. Then he valiantly tries to say "Some things should be done without magic," with a straight face. You're right, Cheesehead. Some things should be done without magic. But acting should never be done without talent.

Cassie is staring at the same online article about the fire that killed everyone's parents, and then she checks the yearbook. Yep, that picture of her mom, that cray cray dude from last week's ep and that chick Heather Barnes is still there. Hasn't moved! Hasn't changed! Because this is the Muggle World, and PHOTOGRAPHS STAY THE SAME.

At school, Cassie tells Diana that after the fire, Heather spent 2 years in a psychiatric hospital then basically disappeared. Her brother lives in Finn Creek, and Adam shows up to let Cassie know that that is a V. SKETCHY AREA. Seriously, though, how sketchy can it really be? Why do small towns in TV shows always have these crazy bad areas? I mean, meth labs, sure, but are there really enough murderers and drug lords in a small town to populate an entire neighborhood? Besides in Mexico? I didn't find it believable in Dillon, and I sure as hell don't find it believable in... wait, what town is this again? Oh right, DON'T CARE.

Diana can't go with Cassie to Finn Creek, and so Cassie and Adam do a really bad job of pretending like Diana has nothing to worry about. Finally, after an insane amount of grimacing, Adam and Cassie agree to scope out Finn Creek together. I'm sure nothing of the boner variety will happen at all!

Poor Faye still hasn't figured out how to unlock her locker. Or maybe she just can't remember her combo. The lock finally pops open, but only because Melissa shows up. Faye starts whining about how much it sucks to have her powers bound up in the circle, and then she says, "Why can't it be fun? Like that movie, The Craft." HOLD THE PHONE. ARE THEY SERIOUSLY TALKING ABOUT THE CRAFT ON THIS SHOW? I... WHAT... I CAN'T EVEN... We're supposed to drink every time there's a scene copied from The Craft, but this?!! That's not just a drink. That's like, a chug. Go ahead and chug yr entire drink right now. Then chug another one. Because YOU WILL NEED IT.

"Why can't this be like The Craft?" Thank you, Faye, for saying what we're all thinking.

Faye proceeds to tell Melissa that her thing with Nick isn't going to last, and then Melissa actually stands up for herself! Nice! It's probably because she doesn't have scars all over her back.

Over at Finn Creek, Adam and Cassie approach a rickety houseboat in an old fishing village. So I guess in this town, "sketchy" mean J Crew summer catalog photo shoot. Got it. They knock on the door, and Wade, Heather's brother, opens the door. He's kinda hot! Wait, actually, no he's not. It's just that he's standing by Adam, and Adam's girlish features make Wade look like the manliest man that's ever manned in Mantown.

Heather's inside the house, and she's totes catatonic. She hasn't moved in 16 years!!! I hate it when shows do this, because I can't help but think, "How does she go to the bathroom?" and these are questions I don't actually want the answer to. Cassie and Adam explain who they are, and Wade tells them he has no idea why Heather went on the boat. Cassie whispers, "I'm sorry," and her terrible acting makes Heather so mad, she wakes up and GRABS HER HAND! That happened to me once in a haunted house, and my bladder has never recovered. Adam wrestles Cassie away from Heather's iron grip, and Heather goes back to catatonic.

Commercial break! Ringer! I know this show takes itself too seriously, but at least it's trashy enough to be interesting (unlike OTHER SHOWS I COULD NAME AND MIGHT POSSIBLY BE RECAPPING AT THIS MOMENT). Plus I love me some SMG.

Cassie notices a strange marking/tattoo on Heather's wrist. It looks like a really crappy laser tattoo removal job. Before leaving, Cassie says, "I wish there was something I could to do help." Listen, Cassie. If you're going to insist on saying these inane, saccharine statements, you need to act like you mean them. Otherwise someone will bitch slap you some day. And that someone might be me.

Adam tells Cassie the scar is a stigil, which means some sort of spell is involved. Cassie is absolutely positive that her mother is to blame, and in order to prove it to Adam, she must take him to her bedroom. But OF COURSE. Cassie shows Adam her mom's Book of Shadows, and I don't know if it's the camera angle or my third glass of wine, but Adam kinda looks like an emo version of Adam Scott! Cassie squeezes next to Adam on the v. tiny bench so they can be near each other's boners read the book together. Full of angst about her mom's dirty deed, Cassie hopes they can find a spell to wake Heather up.

"You smell so good. Is that Criss Angel's new cologne?"

Over at the Boathouse Grill, the beats are jammin'! Seriously, what Pandora station does this place use? Spring Break 2004? K-Mart Back To School Jingles? Faye finds Melissa waiting for Nick and apologizes to her. Then she completely cancels out her apology by pointing out Nick, who is outside, talking to some chick. You know, I think they should change the title of this show to "Oh, Faye!" and make it into a comedy about a bitchy witch who's trying to learn how to make female friends without the use of magic while living in an adorably funky penthouse in Brooklyn.

Over at the Requisite LJ Smith House Of Disrepair Set Far Away In The Woods, Adam and Cassie put together the ingredients needed for a spell to undo whatever made Heather catatonic. Cassie has to use her own blood, but she's a total weenie, and asks Adam to stick her. GET IT? STICK HER? Oh CW, you really slipped that one past the censors, didn't you?! Diana walks in on them while they're holding hands, I mean, obtaining blood, and she tells them that messing with Heather's spell is a bad idea, especially since they have no idea what they're doing. Cassie shows her the Book of Shadows, but Diana is adamant, and she makes Adam leave with her, because she obviously has NO INTEREST IN KEEPING HER BOYFRIEND.

"STICK IT TO ME, BABY."

Back at the Boathouse Grill, Cheesehead comes in, and Melissa bitches at him about talking to another girl. Because she's a cliched teen girl TV character. I actually almost feel sorry for Cheesehead right now. WHAT. I must be low on wine.

Faye shows up at the Requisite LJ Smith House Of Disrepair Set Far Away In The Woods, and Cassie tells her what happened. Since Faye is itching to read Cassie's Book of Shadows, she agrees to help in return for being able to check out the book.

Commercial break! People in this McDonald's commercial are having Me Time. This is most definitely NOT my Me Time.

Faye and Cassie are skulking around the J Crew set, I mean, Finn Creek. When Wade finally leaves, they sneak into the house and prepare to perform the spell. Here's a witch pro-tip: If you don't know how to pronounce the words in a spell, you probably shouldn't do it. It's like when you don't speak a foreign language v. well and accidentally call someone's mom the daughter of a dirty goat. Awkward!

Cassie and Faye recite the spell, but nothing happens. Then they recite it again, using the Highly Magical Bitch Tone, but even THAT doesn't work. Wade arrives back at the house, so the girls escape through the window. Faye insists on going back to Cassie's to "look at her book," and WHY IS EVERYTHING ON THIS SHOW A SEXUAL INNUENDO? Or maybe it's just my boredom, grasping at straws.

Little do Cassie and Faye know that they TOTALLY GAVE HEATHER TAPEWORM! Gross! She wakes up! And stands! Even though her muscles most certainly have atrophied after 16 years of non-use! Then she pushes her brother down and knocks him unconscious! Damn, tapeworm is a bitch.

Thanks to the new age-y, uplifting music, I can tell that Melissa and Cheesehead are about to reach a new milestone in their relationship in which they begin to learn how to respect each other! And that's what happens! But then they start having gross sex again. I don't see how ANYONE could be turned on by this song, but whatever.

Diana apologizes to Adam for putting him in the middle of the whole Cassie/Heather spell drama. Diana looked up the stigil in her Book of Shadows, and she basically figured out that Heather is possessed, and the stigil is the only thing keeping the demon under control. RUH-ROH! Point for Team Diana! JK why would there be a Team Diana?

Over at Cassie's house, Faye is reading the Book of Shadows, and Cassie goes downstairs to see who's knocking at the door. But no one's there! And it's wide open! And it's WINDY! In case you're not familiar with the CW Drama Protocol, WINDY MEANS EVIL. Cassie searches the house and finds Heather, who asks "Where's Amelia?"

Commercial break! Gah, these new Supernatural ads look like a Three Doors Down video from 2000. DEAN WINCHESTER WOULD NOT APPROVE.

Back to the show, Heather is scratching her arm and giving Cassie some major crazy eye, i.e. signals that she wants to have a heart-to-heart. Obviously. Heather explains that Amelia (Teen Mom) was trying to stop "it" but "it" went inside her. AGAIN WITH THE VAGUELY DISGUISED SEXUAL REFERENCES. Heather is in extreme pain and begs Cassie to hel her, but Cassie's all, "How can I?" Um, I dunno, maybe you could try YR MIND POWERS? Suddenly, Heather falls to the ground in a massive seizure, and I am seriously impressed with this actress. Or at least, her ability to shake a lot.

Adam repeatedly calls Cassie's phone to tell her not to undo the spell (too late, sucka!), and Faye finally answers. She pretends to be Cassie and says, "Why don't you come over and make magic with me?" Wait, is the show actually making fun of itself?!! Are we supposed to believe it's become self-aware? Shizz, someone call John Connor.

"I will turn you on like a light bulb. No, literally. Don't forget to bring the light bulb."

Heather stirs on the ground, and Cassie helps her up. Because she is an idiot. Cassie asks, "How did the fire start?" and Heather replies, "Wherever there are witches, evil follows." If the CW asked me to come to their corporate office and explain why this show is so bad, I would create a PowerPoint with two slides. One would have a picture of Adam and Cheesehead with the caption: THESE GUYS ARE NOT HOT. The second would have that line of dialogue with the caption: THIS IS BAD WRITING.

Heather finally clues Cassie into the fact that demons are involved (ORLY), and then she starts heaving and coughing. Hello, has Cassie never seen Aliens? Or just, you know, had a friend vomit on her shoes? STEP AWAY FROM THE HEAVING PERSON. Cassie does the exact opposite, and Heather slams her into the fridge. I guess that's better than cleaning vomit off of yr favorite pair of heels.

Faye heads downstairs and sees Cassie lying on the floor. Then boom, Heather appears with a fireplace poker! Instead of going outside, Faye ignores the advice of the film Scream and runs upstairs. Dang, the demon inside Heather is an agile little monkey! Fortunately, Melissa, mid-sexy-time with Cheesehead, spots Faye banging on Cassie's window, and they rush over to help. At this point, Heather is strangling Faye while halfhearted, repetitive grunting noises. Obviously, they hired this actress for her seizure abilities alone.

Cassie runs up from behind and tears Heather off of Faye, then they both race downstairs. Cheesehead and Melissa arrive at the front door, just in time for Melissa to yell, "Look behind you!" Has anyone in real life ever used this phrase? I mean, don't you think it'd be more efficient just to scream, "LOOK!" and point? Especially when every second counts? Am I reading too much into this show in a desperate attempt to redeem these two wasted hours? Yes. Yes, I am.

Heather runs out of the house, because she is the lamest demon ever, and straight into... an oncoming car. Seriously, this actress has GOT to be a gymnast. Nice form! Bad landing. Also, isn't this a neighborhood? Therefore, shouldn't the speed limit be, like, 30 mph? Again, why am I putting so much thought into this? More importantly, WHY HAVE I RUN OUT OF WINE?

The driver gets out, looks down at the body and pulls a classic Cher: "She came outta nowhere!" The police and EMS arrive on the scene, and they take Heather's body away, but not before we see the demonic tapeworm slithering out of her arm and into... Cheesehead's jacket! GASP! This dramatic music tells me that Cheeshead is about to get something worse than the Clap he probably already has.

Faye offers to give Melissa a ride home, but she's going back with Chase. And it only took one episode for Faye to go back on her promise not to be jealous of Cheeshead. OH, FAYE! Cassie apologizes for effing everything up, and Diana says that it's ok, although her eyes are all I TOLD YOU SO.

Some kind of Mazzy Star imitation song plays in Cheesehead's bedroom, and he tells Melissa that he's never going to be the guy she wants him to be. He says, "You deserve better," and Melissa responds, "That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me." Girl, we really need to talk about yr self-esteem issues.

Adam shows up at Cassie's door and claims that he thought she might "need help cleaning up." Cleaning up her virginity, you mean! Then Cassie makes a joke about having a broom because she's a witch and I really should've taken the grocery store up on their 2-1 wine deal. Adam tells Cassie that he understand where she's coming from, and he wants to find answers too. IN HER PANTS. Based on all of the googly eye business, I presume there is chemistry happening.

Cheesehead and Melissa are fast asleep, because they worked so hard at sexy time, and we see the CGI demon tapeworm crawl into the bed! And into Cheesehead! And Melissa's ear! This is almost grosser than their fake sex!

The episode ends, and hey, at least we didn't have to deal with PLL or see Harry Hamlin-lite's ridiculous hair? IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS, YOU GUYS. I have to appreciate the little things. Otherwise I'll go catatonic like Heather and then wake up only to smack Cassie and Faye around for all of their bad acting.

Next episode: "Slither"

Posh Deluxe's photo About the Author: Sarah lives in Austin, TX, where she programs films at the Alamo Drafthouse. Sarah enjoys fancy cocktails, dance parties and anything that sparkles (except vampires).