Greetings, FYA! I am writing to you from THE PAST, also known as MONDAY. Monday is a scary time because it generally means one must go back to work and spend time with people who are having their own awful Mondays and are therefore awful to be around and bad things always happen, like forgetting your phone at home or waking up late or realizing that the mixed greens you purchased YESTERDAY from the grocery store expire today and they're already going all limp and soggy, ugh. I mean, that's just what happened on my own Monday. Your mileage may vary.
ALSO it means that we have to watch The Lying Game, because despite our many pleas to the various dieties that populate Life, the Universe and Everything, this show still exists.
Here is what I did on Monday night to postpone having to watch this show: laundry, an interpretive dance about my soggy salad, entitled "Why Have My Greens Wilted?", cat litterbox scouring, sent several emails regarding the worrying "sister-loving" theme that seems to be pervading this season of Dexter, checked Facebook seven times, watched a Youtube video in which the new iPhone 4S personal assistant app is taken over by the crazy robot on Portal, which is a reference I understand because I date a nerd, and watched the first half of Kim's Fairytale Wedding: A Keeping Up With The Kardashians Special. Part One, mind. The other half's still recorded and waiting for me.
Here is what I learned from Kim's Fairytale Wedding: Part One. If you get your neck done, only your most successful child will spend time with you. Rob Kardashian is a binge eater, which is a totally lame, Rob-esque storyline, but I can't hate because he reminds me of my younger brother. (Or, as my friend Jon said on Twitter, he kan't hate kause Rob K's ass don't kwit. It's true. He has a nice butt. Rob, I mean. Not my brother.) Khloe does not trust Kris Humphreys' intentions, even though his first name is spelled with a K, which you would think would be all he needs to enter fully into the bosom of the Kardashian family, and also Kim tends to make decisions about the wedding unilaterally, which hurts her giant Midwestern husband-to-be's feelings. Let the giant Midwesterner pick out his own tux, Kim, even if he does have hideous personal taste. (Well, except for the idea of a Five Guys cart giving away burgers at the wedding. That's an excellent idea, Kris.)
And I guess that's all the stalling I can do. Let's see if anyone is going to start making a game out of lying, shall we?
After all the previouslies, it's time for the show. Rich Twin has been sprung from Juvie! Her friend Lexi is here to pick her up. WAIT. WHAT. !!!!!! Um, Megan's recap DID NOT MENTION that Becky was on this show. Probably because Megan's only on season one of Friday Night Lights so far. BEEEEECCCKKKKEEEEEYYYY. A lot of people hate Becky, but I don't. She just realizes that the best place to be in Dillon, TX is in Tim Riggins' pants. SHE IS VERY SMART.
It's fabulous Las Vegas! Becky is driving Rich Twin around. She thinks she's Poor Twin, of course. And then Becky makes a reference to Applebee's! FNL SHOUTOUT! Let's drink in remembrance of a show far, far greater than this one. Even season 2 of FNL is greater than this show. AND THAT IS SAYING QUITE A LOT.
Becky, I will totally take you to whatever two-for-one deal is currently going on at Applebee's. Then we can go to a pageant.
Anyway, Rich Twin wants to get back to Cali, because she's living in a Phantom Planet or Snoop Dogg song, and Becky (whose name on this show is not Becky but, whatever, FNL is the trump card under which all lesser tv shows must lay; therefore, she is Becky forevermore) tells Rich Twin that obvs she's crashing with Becky. Oooh! Will it be in a silver Airstream? Those are pretty hip these days, actually.
Meanwhile, at Mercer House, Poor Twin is apologizing to Ethan for drunkenly propositioning him at the party. Then she accidentally spills the beans that she has never had the P in her V. I bet the girls on this show are the type to have elbow sex in order to remain pure. I can totally see that happening.
Poor Twin, by the way, is wearing dress shorts. With high heels. If you looked far and wide, to every Express catalog in the land, you could not find a clothing combination more abhorrent to me than dress shorts and heels. First of all: dress shorts. SHOULD NEVER EXIST. Second: if you are wearing shorts, it's because you are just chilling out. Why would you chill out in four inch heels? Are you a Kardashian, Poor Twin? If so, where's Lamar? He's my favorite.
"I don't know why the costume designer dresses me this way. Maybe she's still mad that I had elbow sex with her son?"
Poor Twin and Ethan walk in on Concerned Mercer Parents arguing about The Birth Mother. Concerned Mercer Mom wants to tell Sutton things! Concerned Mercer Dad panics and calls Nathan Petrelli, who tells him that Sutton can never know the truth about Annie! Poor Twin overhears all of this. These people are SO BAD at lying. So bad! This show should be renamed the "Sweating Bullets Because We've Been Outwitted By a Sixteen Year Old And Her Dumb Friends" Game. Jesus, Concerned Mercer Dad. You're a plastic surgeon! You make a living lying to people about their perceived flaws so that they'll sign up for face lifts and then lying to them again afterwards that they look totally natural! YOU SHOULD BE BETTER AT THIS.
Weird, creepy credits! I finally got interested enough to google this song - ugh. OF COURSE it's from Butterfly Boucher. Butterfly Boucher was the nemesis of my 2004 Calendar Year of Indie Conquests. She's, like, the ultimate cockblocker, in that anytime in 2004 I thought I might get lucky with some scruffy unwashed indie kid, they'd start talking about Butterfly Boucher and I'd have to rapidly excuse myself from the conversation before vomiting overtly. Do you know how much action I didn't see in 2004? A LOT.
Show. Ugh. The shorts are HIGH WAISTED, even. Lord, kill me now. Ethan and Poor Twin are parsing the whole convo. Poor Twin is going to ask Concerned Mercer Parents about Birth Mother and get some answers! Because then maybe Rich Twin will let her stay! Oh, so, so sad. That is blatantly never gonna happen, Poor Twin.
Becky's house! Rich Twin meets Becky's mom, who's a showgirl. THIS BASICALLY IS JUST LIKE FNL, only missing Mindy. I miss Mindy. Sigh.Rich Twin is confused about having to make her own mac n cheese. From the blue box. Come here, Rich Twin; I'll show you how.
Oh, look, it's the Club that all the teenagers hang out at because it's such a typical place for sixteen year olds to be. Sometimes I think the people that write this show read too many Sweet Valley High books. Real teens do not behave this way! Poor Twin runs into Thayer, who is all dressed up for his swanky dinner with Nathan Petrelli. There will be venture capitalists there! Oh, goody? Nathan Petrelli saunters up and gives Poor Twin the stinkeye. Then he gets a call from Dr Evil saying that Annie Hobbes has escaped!
Back at Becky's, guess who's here to see Rich Twin?! Foster Mom! She looks like I probably smell after a few bottles of wine. Foster Mom is pissed off, because Poor Twin's escape meant that Foster Mom lost her foster license. Really? You lose your foster license anytime a foster kid runs away? Cause, uh, I can't think that's true. Anyway, Rich Twin totally puts Foster Mom in her place. Might Rich Twin now understand what life is like for Poor Twin? Maybe! Might I care? Not likely.
At the Super Fancy Dinner at the Club, Thayer is explaining his dumb app thing to the venture capitalist. Madison is wearing a skin-tight animal-print mini dress, as is befitting a family dinner. Anyway, I guess the venture capitalist is impressed. I got an app that lets me update my Google Docs from my phone so that now I can be plugged into the FYA Book Club Schedule all the time. It was the highlight of my week, purchasing that app. Rest in peace, Steve.
Madison, you just need a few more wrinkles to fully transition to aging upper-middle-class dilettante.
Also, Char and Derek the Laptop Stealer come in. Because I give such shit to everyone for wearing such crappy clothes on this show, I will take this time to say that, from what I can tell so far, Char's dress is lovely. I may revise this position later on, after more opportunity to study. I tried to find a photo of it for you, but of course normal, rational clothes that a human person might actually consider wearing never make it on ABC Family's Style Story.
During the dinner with the venture capitalist, Poor Twin would like Nathan Petrelli to give her his Lawyerly position about how he knows when people are lying. Isn't there that whole show about finding out when people lie? Is that show still on? Can't you just watch this? Poor Twin puts Nathan Petrelli in his place by intimating that she's on to him.
He just looks like he needs to poop.
Nathan Petrelli gets so annoyed with Poor Twin that he gets up andtells Derek to break up with Char. Derek seems sad about this, because of course he's really fallen for Char in the 10 days they've been dating. I can't say anything. I've been dating that new Starbucks drink, the Salted Caramel Mocha Frap, for about ten days. It's very serious, guys. I'd marry it but I know it'd just drift out of my life as soon as spring came around.
Mercer House. Laurel's packing up for school when Concerned Mercer Mom comes in to show her the condom that fell out of Laurel's jeans. Concerned Mercer Mom is being SUPER CALM about this entire thing. I consider myself fairly sex-positive, but if my sixteen year old starts accidentally leaving condoms around that I find when doing the wash, I'm going to go APOPLECTIC. Because, SERIOULY? If you're old enough to have sex, you're old enough to do your own goddamn laundry. Christ! Kids today!
Anyway, Laurel stomps off rather than having any sort of rational, mature conversation which might convince her mother that she's old enough to handle the oft-crazy shizz that goes hand in hand with sexual relationships.
Meanwhile, let's spend a few minutes on a music montage in which Rich Twin creates a new wardrobe out of Becky's mom's clothes, with a little help from her guardian angel, Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink. Let's drink during this montage, because otherwise we won't get through the last half of the show.
It's Rich Twin's first day at Poor Twin's school! Becky gives Rich Twin a lunch. Becky is way too nice a friend, which is weird, since she didn't really have that many friends in Dillon. Some weird dudebro comes up and invites Rich Twin to his finger flourish Casino Night party. Ugh.
Char's house. She's wearing not nearly enough clothes when she gets woodenly dumped by her wooden-acting boyfriend. Char goes over to Mercer House to cry over some ice cream, and Poor Twin tries to float the whole Nathan Petrelli Conspiracy Theory. Char is unconvinced. I think. It's hard to tell on this show, since the acting is sort of not great.
Downstairs, Concerned Mercer Mom imparts the news to Concerned Mercer Dad about the fact that Justin's P has gone in Laurel's V, possibly unsafely, considering Laurel's carrying around condoms inthe pocket of her jeans, where presumbaly they are chafing and wearing thin. And then . . . oh, man. And then Poor Twin comes downstairs wearing A PAIR OF HIGH WAISTED PLEATED WHITE LINEN PANTS. WHAT? WHAT? WHY? HOW? WHO? I CAN'T. VERBS. HARD TO FORM. DYING. DYING FROM LAUGHTER.
HIGH WAISTED PLEATED WIDE LEG LININ WHITE PANTS. The look on Poor Twin's face is like 1/10000 of the WTF look I am giving this outfit.
In PoorPersonLand, Rich Twin is trying to convince Becky to go to the fingers flourish Casino Night Party, using Becky's mom's showgirl cash for the buy in. Well, this should end well.
This is the dress that Rich Twin "expertly" repurposed.
Char's house. She gets a phone call! FROM ANNIE, aka BIRTH MOM! WHO IS HER AUNT. Her aunt? Really? I must have missed that in the recaps. And then Char's mom rips the phone out of her hand and tells her never to talk to Annie agian!
"Mom! How dare you stop me from talking to my aunt?! Also, how dare you let me wear this romper in public?"
At the Trailer of Tears, Poor Twin is telling Ethan that she has to find out the truth! Don't we talk about this EVERY WEEK, children? And then Ethan hits on her, even though she's wearing those pants.
Commercials. Ooh!! There's some sort of movie that's happening that's like Sister Act but for Basketball! I WILL WATCH THIS.
Show. Concerned Mercer Dad has taken Justin out to give him The Talk over some nine irons. Concerned Mercer Dad isn't yet beating Justin with the nine irons, which shows a level of maturity, but he's still being all hulky and Concerned Patriarchal Figure about his daughter's virginity. Um, Concerned Mercer Dad? Would you be taking Laurel out to scold her about sleeping with your son, should the situation be reversed? No? Then shut your trap.
Blonde Grifter spins some yarn about how Concerned Mercer Dad is his role model, since he never lies. Well played, Blonde Grifter.
At Mercer House, Laurel tells Poor Twin about the condom incident, and Poor Twin uses this time to talk about honesty some more. Gag me with this soggy salad. Actually, don't. I'm still super upset about the salad.
It's the finger flourish Casino Night party! Rich Twin is swanking all over these poor Vegas bastards. They don't know what to make of the new, improved Emma!
At Mercer House, Laurel apologizes to Concerned Mercer Mom in re: throwing a fit earlier. They talk about honesty some more. WE GET IT.
At the finger flourish Casino Night party, Rich Twin is losing at Blackjack, until the dudebro from earlier takes over the table and starts dealing her softly. She makes back the money and then bets it all on one hand. She won!
Just as an aside, if you ever find yourself in a casino with little money, go play Blackjack. Wait. First find a table nearly full of drunk men of varying ages. Then play Blackjack. At every hand, chew your bottom lip and look over at your neighbor's cards, sigh, and then say, as if you are trying to be smooth, "Can I have a card, please?" This will trigger some sort of weird genetic marker in drunk dudes and they will be physically incapable of looking out for their own interests in the game. They'll start coaching you, and then laying money down on your bets, and then giving you chips. You'll walk out, conservatively, with about 300 dollars more than you sat down with (don't sit down with more than sixty bucks!), and you don't even have to feel bad, because they WANTED to help you.
Okay, sure, it's unlikely to advance the cause of feminism any further, but, you know, trying to further the cause in seedy casinos on reservations? That's just pissing upwind. Plus you can buy a lot of shoes for 300 dollars!
Back at the Mercer Home, Poor Twin is still wearing those damn pants and looking over photos of her life for the past few weeks. Then Concerned Mercer Mom comes in and tells her that her birth mother may still be alive. Hilariously, Poor Twin is like, "You don't have to explain; just tell me everything you know." Ha. I mean, I don't think that was meant to be funny, but I laughed! Concerned Mercer Mom thinks Birth Mom's name is Ruth. God, she doesn't know ANYTHING, does she?
"I have so many memories of the things that have happened to me in the last few weeks!"
The next day, Poor Twin and Ethan are talking about her problems, AS USUAL. Doesn't Ethan ever have any problems? Ethan advises Poor Twin to start worrying about herself, instead of Sutton. Um, doesn't she ALWAYS DO THAT? Hasn't that been the prevailing theme of this whole god-forsaken season? Jesus. I need another drink.
Meanwhile! Char's telling Mads about Annie's phone call. Char's looking particular Taylor Swiftian today. Derek, meanwhile, overhears everything and smiles skeevily.
To be fair, he's physically incapable of doing anything non-skeevily.
Mercer House! Concerned Mercer Mom announces to Concerned Mercer Dad that she told Sutton everything she knows! Concerned Mercer Dad is all, "Okay! Sounds good!" It's easy, since he knows she knows nothing.
Lady, you could be replaced with a houseplant, for all the sway you hold over your own family.
Nathan Petrelli's office! Derek is extorting Nathan Petrelli! If he wants to know theinfo he overheard from Char,he has to let Derek get back with Char! Um, Derek. WHAT IS HE GOING TO DO TO YOU? Just keep dating her, you idiot. He can't arrest you for dating someone. Jesus.
At The Poor School of Poor People, Rich Twin gets a phone call from the orderly at Ye Olde Mental Illness Hospital. Annie escaped! She's probably going to go looking for Sutton! Rich Twin tries to tell Becky that she's got to go back to Phoenix, at which point Becks is like, "Yeah, duh, Sutton." Don't think you can ever put something past a Dillon person. They are smarter than you, always. Well, except for Billy, I guess.
Mercer House. Concerned Mercer Mom is opening the letter that Rich Twin sent from juvie! But Poor Twin intercepts her in time, by saying it's a letter she wrote when upset. And then . . . mailed. From Vegas. And then Poor Twin tears up the letter. Outside, Justin is declining Laurel's offer to do a little P in V. Justin thinks that maybe Concerned Mercer Dad isn't as great as everyone thinks.
Laurel, maybe you should question why your boyfriend is SO FREAKING CONCERNED with your parents.
Bus station! Becky's putting Rich Twin on a bus back to Phoenix. Awww! Does this mean no more Becky? I don't want Becky to go away!And trust me, I rarely ever said that during FNL.
At the Trailer of Tears, Poor Twin has patched up the letter and is reading its contents to Ethan. She's going to have to say goodbye to everyone! But not Ethan! Because he'll follow Emma anywhere! SERIOUSLY? It's only been like four weeks!
And THAT, ladies and Brian, is the last time I have to watch The Lying Game this year. Next week it's Meghan's problem, and after THAT week is over, I do believe that Megan, Meghan and I will be treating ourselves to some sort of hypnotherapy to replace the memory of ever watching this show with something awesome instead. I think I'm going to by hynotized to believe I spent the last few months drinking 40s with Falcor.
But tune in next week when Meghan will find out whether anything will actually ever happen on the mini-season finale. My guess? PROBABLY NOT.