Revenge 1x7: Charade

Guess what! When Poshdeluxe said yesterday that we were going to start recapping shows not based on YA books, SHE MEANT IT. Or, in other words, sometimes we just want to talk about shows we actually like to watch! And that we think you guys should watch! Because they're actually enjoyable!

My favorite new show of the season, as ridiculous as this may sound, is ABC's Revenge, which is the show I made fun of all last season during Pretty Little Liars, because the advertisements for it were stupid and I thought it might star LeAnn Rimes (it doesn't). But! It only took about two episodes for me to change my mind, because THIS SHOW IS SO MUCH FUN, you guys! It's got it all! Drama! Intrigue! Scandal! Rich people! Just as soon as the matriarch starts wearing a turban and there's a fight in a fountain, I'll know we have a true Dynasty usurper. And guys? I do NOT take comparisons to Dynasty lightly.

So let's talk about last night's Revenge! Don't worry if you've never seen it before; I'm about to catch you up in a few short(ish) paragraphs:

Here's what you need to know about Revenge: There was once a girl named Amanda Clarke and she lived in the Hamptons with her dad and a cute dog. Her dad was having an affair with Madeleine Stowe, whose face has gone remarkably unaltered in the 15 or so years which have elapsed during this time, but that may be because of ALL THE BOTOX. For reasons as yet undetermined, Madeleine Stowe, her husband, and their assorted friends set up Amanda's dad to take the fall for a hijacked plane, which is the most hilarious crime evs, because it's just SO OVER THE TOP. He couldn't have been fall guy for some serious white collar crime; no, it had to be DOMESTIC TERRORISM. Amanda's dad goes to jail and eventually gets executed, Amanda spends much of her life in juvie and when she is released at 18, she learns her dad left her a pretty whopping trust fund and an old photo of all of his Hamptons buddies with notes about how much they screwed him over. And now Amanda is getting, you guessed it, REVENGE.

Revenge is mostly being exacted upon people by Amanda (now posing as rich socialite Emily Thorne) making adorable FACES and then working with pesky but hilarious Nolan (self-made billionaire who hates the shallow Hamptons socialites who he lives near) to dig up secrets on people and frame them for a crime, whether legal or social. Eventually, she will get revenge on everyone in the photo!

Amanda's ultimate goal, however, is Victoria (Madeleine Stowe), since she betrayed Amanda's Dad's love and therefore must be ruined. Amanda has a fairly long con in mind for her - she's started dating Victoria's son Daniel - and is generally all up in Victoria's shizz. All you really need to know about Victoria is that she's like Martha Stewart's crazy Botoxed, even more evil sister. Her face does not move.

Complicating Amanda's plans are Frank, Victoria's security guy who has a hard on for the Botoxed Beauty, and Jack, who was Amanda's childhood friend and thinks that there's something awfully suspiciously familar about that Emily Thorne. He's always showing up at her house to do manly things like hang porch swings and then bat his eyelashes at her. Also, he has her dog.

One other thing!! Since Amanda is posing as Emily, she is referred to and thought of as such by everyone except Nolan and a few other accomplices. So in any scenes which don't involve Amanda and someone who knows her real identity, I will call her Emily.

Okay! Let's get it!!

Most Awesome Rich Person Outfit: Ashley's silver dress is AMAAAZING in this episode. I NEED IT IN MY LIFE. Although I'm not sure how Ashley, with her working-class Croyden upbringing and paltry salary paid to her as Victoria's social secretary, can afford such nice clothes all the time. Maybe she's found some awesome consignment shop in the Hamptons.

Unfortch this was the only photo i could find of her dress.

Funniest Amanda FACE: Her look of disdain when she invites the reporter in for the interview. Oh, Emily VanCamp, I want to seal you in wax sometimes. Not in a creepy way! You're just so cute!

Person Revenge is Exacted Upon: To a lesser extent, Tyler, Daniel's college buddy. To a greater extent, I suppose the ultimate revenge has just been exacted on Frank.

Daniel vs Jack: This episode is a tie. Emily gave Jack an old mariner's compass! Just as a "Hey, thanks for the porch swing" gesture. Which IS pretty good. But she gave Daniel an orgasm, which is usually better. I still hate Daniel for many reasons, most of which stem from his very existence, but also because he totally acts super jealous of Emily and Jack, even though he and Emily have been dating for A WEEK.

Number of Botox Shots Madeliene Stowe Has Had This Week: 8

What's Going On in the Mansion: It's the Grayson's 25th wedding anniversary! Owing to the fact that, you know, Conrad is in trouble for sleeping with Victoria's best friend, the Graysons are hoping to keep it low-profile. So they only invite ONE New York Times reporter to do a feature piece for them in the Life and Style section. Charlotte York would be so green with envy. The photo shoot is totes awkward, since Victoria's still pretty pissed at Conrad for the whole Lydia thing. "I can smell Lydia all over you," she thinks. "I'd wrinkle my nose if I could move it." Privately, Victoria and Conrad discuss Lydia's coma and say that they've posted a new security guy in her hospital room, since Frank's employment has been so recently terminated.

The reporter does some minor investigative snooping while thinking fondly of that journalism degree that she doesn't actually use and finds out from Tyler (who eavesdrops on Daniel and Emily's conversations now) that Daniel is dating Socialite No One Has Ever Heard Of, Emily Thorne. So Emily and Daniel's photo gets put in the paper as well! The next generation, or something like that.

The Graysons host The World's Most Awkward Anniversary Dinner, which they keep to a small set of people: themselves, Daniel and Emily, Charlotte and her surprise date of Declan, otherwise known as Not Gay Eric Van der Woodson, and Tyler and Ashley. Not Gay Eric Van der Woodson hilariously gifts Victoria with a bottle of Rosé wine and then intimates that she cooks her own meals. Oh, Declan, you are funny, boy. Meanwhile, Emily gives Victoria a framed original invitation from the Graysons' wedding, which she somehow tracked down. Emily, that is CREEPY. Are you TRYING to make her suspect you? Who does that?

"Oh, how lovely, you've given me a souveneir from my own wedding that occurred several years before you were born!"

During the Awkward Anniversary Dinner, Declan starts making snide comments to Emily about how she's broken his brother Jack's heart (Declan, I doubt he appreciates your sticking up for him) and then Daniel gets all defensive and jealous and all the kids storm off after throwing down their napkins. I SAID GOOD DAY!

After the Awkward Dinner, Victoria and Conrad get into ANOTHER fight about Lydia and then Conrad's all, "Hypocritical much? All I've wanted is for you to love me as much as you loved David Clarke!" Then Victoria kicks him out and then she cries. You can't tell though, because her face doesn't move.

Also? Calling it right now: Charlotte is David and Victoria's daughter, not Conrad and Victoria's. The timing fits and it explains why Victoria is always cold towards Charlotte.

Conrad decides to shack up in Lydia's hospital room, which is convenient, because she wakes up from her coma!! Dun dun dun!

What's Going on in the Biggest Beach Bungalow I've Ever Seen: Emily returns home from frolicking in the surf with Daniel to find that Frank has broken into her house and is rooting through all of her shit!! He finds some records that prove that Emily Thorne was in Juvie for two years! He's going to find out the truth about her! And then I guess Victoria will finally love him and welcome him into her cold, Botoxed embrace?

Amanda calls up the Warden of the Juvie center and, hey!!!! It's CCH Pounder! I love CCH Pounder; she is MY FAVORITE PERSON. Her name has so many options! The Warden knows Amanda's true identity and promises to help her out. So when Frank shows up at Juvie, Warden CCH Pounder tells him that "Emily Thorne" was indeed in Juvie for two years, as she was convicted of stabbing her foster father with a pair of scissors. Her sentence was commuted, however, because everyone figured out that she'd done so in self defense, as the Foster Father was later convicted of beating up one of his other foster kids. Then she goes on and on about theJuvie Library, supported by Emily's gracious donations.

Later, Frank breaks back into Warden CCH Pounder's files and finds Emily Thorne's file . . . to see a mugshot that looks NOTHING like my favorite FACE maker. Frank tracks this Emily Thorne down to The Most Expensive Strip Club In All The Land, where lap dances are 50 freaking bucks. There he meets The Real Emily Thorne (!) (herein known as TRET!), who is working the pole in a most decidedly lackadaisal manner. Let's give it a bit of effort, TRET!; a job worth doing is worth doing well, as my dad always says.

The Real Emily Thorne! is a terrible stripper.

Frank gets the whole story from TRET! - she and the fake Emily Thorne (Amanda) were Juvie Roomies, and when they got out, Amanda paid TRET! to take the name AND identity of Amanda Clarke. So basically, TRET! has been posing as The Real Amanda Clarke, including answering questions over the years from reporters who want to know what it was like to be the daugher of a treasonous killer, and the real Amanda Clarke has been posing as a fictional version of Emily Thorne, with Emily's personal background but Amanda's actual money. Good thing I don't drink as much as Victoria does, or I'd never keep this straight.

Outside the strip club, Frank makes a call to Victoria and just as he's saying, "Emily Thorne is not who you think she is", TRET! comes up and bashes his brains in with a crowbar. TRET! You are a badass, child!

What's Going on in the Stowaway: Jack is still stupidly pining for Emily,to the extent of telling Nolan to piss off, since Nolan told Jack to go for Emily and now his heart is broken. Jesus. HOW OLD ARE THESE PEOPLE? I mean, I guess Emily is around 24 and Jack was a few years older in the flashbacks, so he's probably 27 or so? TOO OLD TO BE MOPING LIKE A CHILD. Jack, I really like you, because you're hot and you have a dog and you own a bar and you aren't Daniel, but get it together, dude.

Meanwhile, since Daniel mentioned that he's got a summer job at the Stowaway in the New York Times piece, the bar has become packed with awful rich socialites who enjoy slumming it. A piece of my soul dies.

Also!! Charlotte and Not Gay Eric van der Woodson totally have Not Gay Sex!!

Charlotte and Not Gay Eric Van der Woodson sitting in a tree!

What's Nolan up to: Nolan has had a very busy week. Sad because Jack doesn't want to be his best friend anymore, Nolan throws himself into an assignment from Amanda: figure out what the hell Tyler's deal is and blackmail him into being Not A Dick. So Nolan does some digging! And finds out that Tyler is ACTUALLY a gay hustler with a restraining order against him!!! Tyler declares that he's staying with the Graysons this summer and integrating himself in their lives so that Conrad Grayson will give him a full time job, since Tyler and his family are totes broke. (Later, Tyler shows Ashley a thumb drive with "all of Conrad's confidential data," an amount that can't be all that much, since IT'S ON A THUMB DRIVE, with which he hopes to become invaluable to Conrad. I'm assuming he got this from Nolan.)

THEN Tyler's all, "Hey, Nolan, how can I convince you not to expose my secret?" and since Nolan is a self-proclaimed 3 on the Kinsey scale, THEY TOTALLY DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nolan! Get you some!

Nolan, being Nolan, secretly films the whole thing in case he has to blackmail Tyler later. Oh, Nolan. I love you best of everyone, Aspergers and all.

FLASHBACK TIME! Three flashbacks this week!! We learn that up to the night before David's arrest, Victoria was still in love with him, but as Frank says, she "made her choice and can't go back." Then, in another flashback, Frank and Conrad are coaching Victoria on how to lie under oath at David's trial! BUT I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY THEY ARE FRAMING HIM.

Then! The most fun flashback is Amanda and TRET!'s first meeting as Juvie Roomies. They barely exchange hellos before they are pummeling the shit out of each other . . . the basis for a life long friendship. Damn! Amanda has got some spunk!

Uh oh! Now what? Frank's totally dead and his body has been dumped in a ditch! Worse, guess who's just showed up on the doorstep of The Biggest Beach Bungalow I've Ever Seen? TRET!! OH SHIT, SON, THIS IS ABOUT TO GET REAL!

So! Please someone tell me I'm not the only person who freaking loves this show! I'm not, right? IT'S SO MUCH FUN! Sound off in the comments and we'll reconvene next week, where hopefully Emily VanCamp will make more hilarious FACES.