Previous episode: "Masked"
I know what you guys are thinking. I mean, I guess I don't really know that. Maybe you're thinking about your Friday night plans or how obnoxious it is when the guy across the cube wall from you does open mouth burps. Or maybe neither of things! But, maybe, just maybe, you're thinking "What is Megan doing here? Isn't this Posh and Erin's show?" Well, Posh and Erin have been kind enough to invite me into review rotations on The Secret Circle and Ringer. So this will be interesting, as I haven't watched a single episode of Secret Circle. I actually read the first Secret Circle book once upon a time, so I will probably more confused than if I knew nothing. But I've read the recaps and I'm ready to go!
Diana and Adam walk up to Cassie's house. WHOA, Erin and Posh weren't lying with all those guy liner jokes. It is actually distracting to look at this guy. Wait show, are you telling me this guy is supposed to be my main love interest? I am...so sad. Everyone who matters is at Cassie's house. They are discussing how Teen Grandma is missing. Jake is still trying to pretend the witch hunters are after him too. Adam is doubtful and Cassie is absurdly gullible. All of the other circle members are freaking out over the fact that Cassie can seem to do magic outside of the bound circle. Antique shop guy Calvin gave her some old parchment. Annnd I guess they aren't going to explain the parchment. But I'm taking note of it JUST IN CASE. The group eventually decides they should go to Faye's Grandpa's cabin to look for Teen Grandma.
Jake meets up with the Mysterious Goateed Witch Hunter Man. They discuss how they don't know what happened to Teen Grandma and the other elder. I assume they mean Grandpa? They discuss Cassie and believe that she is the only one in the current circle who possesses dark magic. Jake says he's going to kill Cassie. Well! That seems fairly drastic. Maybe he should hit it and quit it and then break her heart, so she can't get out of bed. Then the only thing she can use her dark magic for will be play The Smiths, over and over, on repeat.
Faye is talking to her mother, Principal Lesbian Lover. Faye discusses going up Grandpa's cabin. Principal Lesbian Lover is very visibly distrested at this idea, which probably has something to do with the fact that she killed Grandpa, but all of this goes over Faye's head. Faye proceeds is say Cassie is "drama all the time", which ummm. Pot, meet Kettle. Cassie and Jake ended up riding together and Faye calls Diana out attempting to keep Cassie away from Adam by getting her into a different car. There are only 5 of you...why don't you ride together like one big happy circle?
Principal Lesbian Lover calls Harry Hamlin-Lite, freaking out. She wants HHL to stop the kids on their trip, so they don't find grandpa's body. But HHL already hid it! He's so resourceful, that one. But PLL is kinda being ridiculous here. Don't kill people if you aren't capable of hiding bodies/lying convincingly/etc! Back to Cassie and Jake, who are riding together in the car. They talk about dead Nick, who I will never meet now. Jake pretends to act like he's sad, but I'm not convinced. This guy who plays Jake is just so aryan and square-jawed. Also, evil. I appreciate it when evil characters look like Nazi foot soldiers.
Everyone arrivals simultaneously at Grandpa's cabin. I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that this is NOT a cabin. It is a giant ass, white house. They go inside, but Faye can hear some child calling for help. Oh goodies, I'm guessing a ghost!
Commercials! I try and ignore commercials, but they're CHRISTMAS commercials. Plenty of people will grumble about the Christmas Creep, but NOT ME. I am always happy to be reminded of Christmas.
Faye proceeds to ask the others about the creepy child voice. No one knows what she's talking about, clearly. The electricity has gone out in The House That Is Most Certainly NOT A Cabin. So they get to carry around large candles. Typical. Cassie finds Teen Grandma's scarf. But, then Cassie gets a FAKE text from Teen Grandma saying she'll be back tomorrow. They all decide that since it's so rainy, they'll all stay at the Giant House-Cabin.
Faye is walking upstairs and finds mysterious footprints. They're water prints from red rain boots. Then the prints and the boots disappear. More to do with the voice no one else can hear, I'm sure. Are we really getting stuck with a boring ghost plot? Harry Hamlin-Lite arrives at Principal Lesbian Lover's house. She's flipping out and drinking wine. Now, the constant worrying really needs to stop. The drinking wine part, that I can get behind. They let us know that Teen Grandma isn't dead, just drugged with sleeping pills. Wait, really? They chose to knock her out with sleeping pills? I mean, those aren't like, roofies. The one night I took sleeping pills, they made my body super heavy and my brain super fast, to the point where I didn't sleep the ENTIRE night. And they dried my month out to the point where my lip split, right down the middle. So if they're expecting Teen Grandma to be knocked out completely, that's ambitious of them. Turns out they got Henry's crystal. I'm assuming Henry is dead Grandpa?
Diana tries to tell Cassie that Jake likes him. Nice try Diana. Your emo-rock boyfriend isn't going to stop trying to bang Cassie, with or without her having a boyfriend. I mean, he had a girlfriend and THAT didn't stop him from creepin'. The lights are on and Faye has found booze. Hurray! Faye decides to take a bath, alone in the tub. I'm sure nothing creepy will happen!
Jake and Cassie proceed to talk magic with each other. This scene is so embarrassing, I can barely watch. Jake proceeds to say things like "doing magic will tell you a lot about someone" and "it won't hurt, I promise." The magic-is-sex innuendos are really out of control. Jake touches Cassie and gets her to light the fire without using words. She breathes really heavily and I'm actually a bit grossed out. Which is hard to do, so this show should be ashamed. "Whoa, that was intense," Cassie says. Cassie, maybe you should buy a vibrator, so that you won't have to get your jollies from rubbing against Jake while lighting a MIND FIRE.
Faye is in the tub with a bottle a booze. Lady, I like your style. The tub fills with seaweed and Faye screams. On the short list of things that would terrify me if my tub water changed into...seaweed is not even close to making the list. I mean, blood, dead bodies, snakes? Those are scary. Maybe if the seaweed has some chiggers it in.
"Uhh, Faye? What's going on here? Maybe I should come back later..."
The girls come into the bathroom and of course the weeds are gone. Diana accuses Faye of being drunk. Guys, you're WITCHES, don't you think it is possible there are some weird things in the world you may not understand. People not believing each other is a really obnoxious plot device for us audience members to have to sit through. Faye tries to blame Cassie for the seaweed. Nice try Faye. It's still probably GHOSTS. Or something even lamer.
Harry Hamlin-Lite and Principal Lesbian Lover find The Requisite LJ Smith House of Disrepair Set Far Away in the Woods. They look at all the herbs and magical...stuff and proceed to get bizarrely nostalgic. "Ahhh the good old days! When magic was fun! Before we got power hungry and full of blood-lust!" They are looking for Diana's Book of Shadows. Wouldn't that actually be Harry Hamlin-Lite's book? How did he lose it to Diana in the first place? HHL starts searching for the book while...talking in latin? I heard libre? That means book. Why would witches do spells in latin?
HHL finds the book in a hidden compartment. He steals a spell and leaves the book where it is. Harry Hamlin-Lite and Principal Lesbian Lover proceed to fight over the crystal. Didn't I heard once that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt spent, like $500,000 on crystals? Sheer odds say one of those surely has to be magic. Maybe Harry Hamlin-Lite and Principal Lesbian Lover could get in touch with them?
"This reminds me of a time before we killed people!"
Faye decides everyone should play TRUTH OR DARE. I mean, of course they will. With this group, it can only be boring or awkward to play it. Faye dares Diana to take off her shirt. Diana is unhappy, but gives in. Girl, you got a cute bra...show it off! Adam covers her with a blanket and I kind of barf. Diana, if you're going to do the dare, don't wuss out! You need to stick it to Faye. Cassie asks Faye how many people she has slept with. Faye says only two. One of them is in the room...who is the other? There aren't enough dudes on this show! Also, everyone seems confused by the VERY STANDARD rule that the last person to get dared/truth'd is the one who gets to ask the next question. Adam asks Jake a truth...about Jake not being in the cabin when they were all chloroformed. Yes Adam. Because if someone is constantly lying to you about something...they will totally relent and tell the truth during Truth or Dare. That is the power of Truth of Dare.
Truth or Dare: Destroyer of Worlds.
Faye proceeds to make a crack about Cassie only going after boys they've slept with. Which...I'm pretty sure Cassie hasn't gone after anyone. They all seem to be going after her. Diana dares Cassie to kiss Jake and she does. Faye freaks out and it's really quite embarrassing. Faye accuses Cassie of being a one woman relationship wrecker. Which...didn't Jake dump you forever ago? That doesn't really seem like Cassie's fault. Not that I like Cassie, but Faye doesn't seem to understand how this is working. It's just that Jake doesn't like you. And he didn't like you, long before Cassie existed. And yet...you keep going after him. Have some pride girl! Faye runs outside into the car. She sees a little girl in a rain coat and the red rain boats.
Jake, showing off the goods.
Cassie is looking at some books near a fireplace. She finds a picture of the same little girl. Is this the ghost girl? Or someone else? Jake shows up and Cassie asks what the deal is between him and Faye. He says he barely considers what they had a relationship. Cassie says "spoken like a true guy." True! And then she loses any points she earned being saying "spoken like a true cheeseball" right after. Jake starts rambling more about her mind powers and tapping into them. Saying stuff like "you're afraid to go there." GOD, stop talking about magic with sex metaphors! Cassie says "show me". Wait, now she's actually not talking about magic, cause she is making out with Jake! Jake wants her to stop. Awww Cassie, Faye told you he'd break your heart.
Diana storms out of the house, even though the Truth or Dare game ended a couple of scenes ago. She has her shirt back on! Diana's mad because she says Adam was jealous when Cassie and Jake kissed. Diana and Adam are arguing and fighting. Adam gives Diana shit for letting Cassie make her feel insecure about their relationship. Yes, it IS stupid that Diana dumped him because his drunk dad starting rambling about "stars" and what not. But at the same time, Adam has been going around having magic boner sex talks with Cassie. They proceed to have angry make outs that I'm assuming will lead to some angry sex. And Diana's shirt is back off! Are these two still dating? I can't even remember.
Cassie goes outside, sees Faye's car, but can't find Faye. Cassie sees the little girl with the red rain boots and chases after her. She finds Faye. Faye explains that the little girl...is FAYE. That is actually the most boring thing it could have turned out to be. Faye remembers the last time she wore that outfit. It was when she almost drowned in the lake and her Grandpa saved her. She thinks the ghost girl version of herself is there for a reason/to tell her something.
So is that like, Faye's thing now? Rain?
Harry Hamlin-Lite is talking Teen Grandma, who is (apparently) only knocked out with Ambian. It seems like the spell he is going to cast will be used to control her. So, it's like the Imperius Curse, I guess? Harry Hamlin-Lite is doing that thing villains do where they talk to victims who can't hear them. HHL is definitely still pissed at Teen Grandma and the other elders for taking their power away. He also kind of rips on Teen Grandma for being lame. You tell her! And then maybe tell her again when she wakes up!
Faye runs into the lake to follow the little girl version of herself. The boys restrain her. Faye is screaming and going cray. Not sure why they don't just let her go in and get wet. Cassie sees the girl on the end of the dock. Cassie reaches her hands into the lake and it stars bubbling. DEAD GRANDPA, who was tied to something at the botton on the lake, COMES FLOATING UP. Why was it Faye's "ghost" who led them there and not Grandpa's ghost?
The police have arrived at the Giant House-Cabin. Faye is one sad panda. Principal Lesbian Lover gets there and I can't help thinking what an asshole she is. Just because you hated your dad, doesn't mean Faye didn't love her grandpa. Okay, I've been noticing this for a while and it needs to be said. CASSIE NEVER CLOSES HER MOUTH. It's always pouty and a little bit open. This is TV, not an underwear ad. I want to walk up to her and just tap her jaw with the back of my hand. Cassie tells Jake that she's weirded out that a dead guy called out to them. You know what else is weird, Cassie? THAT YOU'RE A WITCH. Jake calls Cassie surprising. Does that mean he doesn't want to kill her now? God, I hope not.
Diana and Adam are home. He wants to get breakfast at the boathouse. They talk about how great the sex was. Hmm, me thinks thou dost protest too much. Diana says it was the last time! She says being with Adam is all she knows. Really? You're 16. God, how long have you two been dating?? She says being apart is the only way to see if they're meant to be together. Diana is about two seconds away from quoting that Sting song. Adam is arguing this with Diana and I'm not sure why. I thought he wanted to bone Cassie? Maybe it's just that he wanted to have both?
Jake meets up with the Mysterious Goateed Witch Hunter Man. Jake seems more reluctant about this whole killing business. God, I hope Jake, who is probably the most interesting character on this show, doesn't decide to become non-evil out of love for Cassie. Oh god, that would be terrible. Jake tells him about dead Henry. Even though someone else is killing witches, Goateed Man wants to rush and kill them all first. Why? Are they just killing witches or are they stealing power or what? Let someone else go to jail for you!
Cassie is back at home and Teen Grandma is there. Guys, Teen Grandma HAS BEEN COMPROMISED. She doesn't remember being in the Giant House-Cabin, despite Cassie finding her scarf there. See, if I were Cassie, I would just assume the Grandma is lying because she was banging Dead Grandpa. Before he was Dead Grandpa, obviously. Alive Grandpa.
And that's it for this week! The previews are trying to tell me that next week will be the last episode in 2011. Didn't I just started this show?