Greetings, FYA! It is I, the esteemed Dr. FYA (M.D., Ph.D., J.D., DDS and any other degree needed), here to answer YOUR questions with advice culled from years of reading young adult books.
Have you got a problem you just can't solve? Need some advice about life, love, work, family or what to watch on Netflix tonight? Let Dr FYA help! Email me at foreveryoungadult {at} gmail {dot} com with all of your questions or concerns!
This week, another FYAer proves that she is a great sister by writing in with concerns about her brother. I'll let Anonymous's email speak for itself:
I'm hoping you can help me out with something. My younger brother came "out" to our family when he was sixteen. So brave, right? I support him 100% and want to feel more comfortable talking to him about it. The problem is this - a few years have passed, but he hasn't brought it up again or talked about having a boyfriend or anything at all on the matter. I feel awkward bringing it up - I'm not really sure how or what to say. I want him to know that I want to hear about his relationships. I have no idea what he's going through, but I know it was really hard for him in high school. He lost all of his friends and ended up on anti-depressants. He became much more withdrawn and quiet. I would love to know more about the life of gay teens so I can understand him better. Can you suggest any books that might help me with this? I know a fictional story isn't going to make me some gay expert, but it's a start.. thank you so, sooo much!
First of all, Anonymous, thank you for being such a kind, considerate sister who strives to make sure her family is happy and healthy. The world needs more people like you!
Were it not for the second half of your letter, in re: your brother's depression, my first advice would be to remember that almost no 18 or 19 year old person wants to tell their family about the people they date. This is because typically, the people one dates between the ages of 18-21 merely serve as examples of What Not To Want later on in life. So even if your (super brave!) brother were feeling reticent about discussing the boys in his life, it might not be because he worries how his family will take it. He might just worry that you'd scoff and ask, "Why are you dating a person who still wears trucker hats ironically?"
That said, it sounds like your brother had a really rough time after coming out of the closet, and I'm truly sorry that he had such shitheel friends. High school is a tough time for everyone - people are growing up and growing apart - but it certainly isn't helped by jerks. There are some really good books out there which feature LGBTQ characters in high school, and maybe they'll help you get a picture of what it might be like for your brother:
Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan - this book is actually a sort of Gay Utopia, where everyone in the high school are pretty awesome, the GSA is one of the biggest clubs, and the football quarterback is named Infinite Darlene. It's worth reading, though, to see just how often any person can make a mess of their love life, even when it seems everything's going their way.
Hidden by Tomas Mournian - We suggested this one last week, but it's a worthwhile book to read just for a glance of what happens to some gay teenagers whose families kick them out. Reading it should bolster your already strong commitment to providing a good support system for your brother
Am I Blue? (various) - This is a collection of short stories from some big 80s/early 90s names about being gay or having gay family members. It's like PFLAG, but in book form! Some of the stories are a bit hokey or overly earnest (it was the mid-90s, after all), but I think it's still worth a read.
The God Box by Alex Sanchez - Sanchez's books aren't personally my bag, but if your brother was given a religious upbringing at all, I highly recommend this book for him (and you!). Sanchez's other books (including the Rainbow Boys series) are cute love stories, which might also help!
Will Grayson, Will Grayson by David Levithan and John Green - After all of this worry, you need a book to lighten your soul!! Tiny Cooper will help you.
At the end of the day, my best advice is to treat your brother as if nothing has changed - because nothing really has. Unlike being accepted into Harvard or falling off your bike and skinning your knee or winning the lottery, being gay isn't something that happens, either by chance or hard work. It just is. So ask your brother about his love life the same way you would have the day before he came out. Call him up and ask if he has a crush on anyone new, or if he's dating a new guy. Razz him a little about putting himself out there more, as is an older sister's right and duty. And more than anything else, tell him the truth - that you love him and that you'll be there for him, no matter what.
