Happy Wednesday, FYA! I'm writing this from THE PAST, known as Tuesday, where Dinosaurs roamed the earth and I had not yet won the lottery and bought a boat for all the FYAers, their significant others and friends on which to party on in the Caribbean. I'm doing that on Wednesday. I've already marked it down in my calendar.
Let's talk about Ringer! Specifically, let's talk about how I just watched Ringer while on (medically prescribed) opiates! You might think that watching a crazy show like Ringer whilst high as a kite would be fun, but actually it's SUPER CONFUSING. And also I'm prone to crying for no reason right now? So I totally cried like five times during the show, for no reason I could discern. Maybe my subconscious just really, really misses Gemma.
Don't forget, our Ringer recaps have some handy categories to give you the quick and dirty lowdown! Though after this ep, it looks like we'll need to replace one . . .
Fave outfit: I can tell you what WASN'T my favorite outfit! And that would be Bridget-as-Siobhan's black sequined romper. What? Why? Bridge, you are like 37 years old and, unlike our Jenny, you look your age. Stop wearing sequined rompers. It's just tacky. Plus! Incongruous! Rompers = comfy, casual wear. Sequins ≠ comfy or casual! I will not stand for a formal romper!
Moments when you wonder how the eff Bridget will make a baby in her tummy (Pregnant Panic): only 1!
Moments when you wonder how Bridget has gotten away with not having sex with Andrew (Cockblock): 22
Moments when you wish you were as rich as Andrew (Rich Envy): 1 bazillion
Moments you miss Buffy (Buffy RIP): 8
We're still at the hospital, picking right up from where we leftoff. Bridget-as-Siobhan (BS) is looking at the ultrasound machine with trepidation. So am I, Bridge. I hate seeing ultrasounds of babies. (Dear Facebook! It's just a gray blob! I could be looking at your large intestine, for all I know!) Though thankfully at least this isn't one of those creepy 3D ultrasound machines where you can see the baby's tiny little features. Ugh, that wigs me out. The doctor is doing the Ultrasound, and she can't see the baby! BS quickly pipes up that she'd had some bleeding last week (yeah, that's another thing! How'd she manage to keep signs of her period hidden from Andrew?), but that she didn't say anything because she thought it was common. Very in-character for a first-time mother (not that Bridget herself is a mother or that Siobhan is a first time mother, but Andrew doesn't know any of that), and not at all suspicious! The doctor casually mentions that Siobhan probably had an eptopic pregnancy and that the fetus wasn't viable. She's very offhand about the whole thing and doesn't even offer any words of comfort to poor shell-shocked Andrew or (had she been actually pregnant) BS. Worst doctor ever! Jeez, lady, you aren't even going to make sure the miscarriage didn't leave behind any tissue that needs to be scraped? Jesus. Even Cathy Dollanganger had better doctors than this lady, and she had her miscarriage all over the ballet studio floor!
Also my look when confronted with ultrasound photos.
Andrew's totally devestated, whereas BS looks like she can't believe she managed to luck out like this. And I guess this means we'll have to replace our wondering of how BS will keep the non-pregnancy hidden! Damn! This is an even easier out than the totally easy out that occurred on the last episode of the second series of Downton Abbey! (I'm still pretty annoyed at the sharp downturn of the last few episodes. I may write A Strongly Worded Letter.)
In the fancy-pants apartment (Rich Envy!), everyone's super upset about the baby. Even Juliet has made some tea and has given BS a hug! Man! BS should fake a pregnancy and miscarriage more often! Everything's coming up Millhouse for her!
Also my look when confronted with coworkers who hug.
Meanwhile! Malcolm calls and leaves Bridget a message! She sneaks out to meet him! Malcolm tells her the events of the last few days, and then Bridget fills him on the whole "framing herself for a crime she didn't commit" business. She offers him some cash to get a hotel nearby, which obviously hurts Malcolm's pride. HIs hot, hot, sweaty, muscled pride. Umf! Malcolm hands Bridget her six-month sobriety chip, which is the lamest present ever. Damn, can't NA spring for a Target gift card or something? Cheapskates.
Flashback! Seven months ago, Fidgety Bridget is at her first NA meeting. Bridget Fidget! Richard Alpert is lurking in the doorway, so this is obvs a state-sponsored NA class. Malcolm is leading the meeting and welcomes Bridget into the society of sobriety.
This is Sarah Michelle Gellar, and she likes eyeshadow.
At PS Poor School, no one in Logan Echolls' class cares to discuss the symbolism of the rabbits in Of Mice and Men. No one but Juliet, that is, because she's hot for teacher. And because she's probably had to read Of Mice and Men ten times, what with all the schools she's been kicked out of. Maybe one of those times stuck. After class, Juliet whines to Logan Echolls about Daddy taking away her trust fund and about BS having a miscarriage, and then asks him out. Man, is that what you have to do to ask a guy out? Logan Echolls displays approximately none of his Logan Echolls. . . ness and politely declines.
Nice to see Logan Echolls has adopted the Fitz "schoolteacher" ensemble of wearing a vest every day.
At work, Andrew and his British coworker who wants his lunch (I can never remember her name!)are discussing a Monsieur Jenet, an employee of theirs. Andrew wants to fire him because apparently he's been embezzling. Andrew's super broken up about the miscarriage. British Coworker thinks he should try again. Ha! Good luck! BS cockblocks him at every turn!
Oh dear. Malcolm's purchased what scientifically could be termed a fuckload of smack and is hitting up. Don't do it, Malcolm! You're so hot! No one has ever managed to maintain their hotness after getting hooked on the horse again!
Henry calls the house, because this show insists on reminding us that heexists,and Juliet tells him about BS's miscarriage. Henry is way sadder about that than he is about the fact that his wife is missing and presumed dead.
BS is meeting with Devious Sponser Charlie and, Flashback! Malcolm and Bridget are exchanging drug war stories. He sees a lot of himself in her! Like his PENIS!
In present day, Charlie calls the real Siobhan to tell her that Malcolm's in town. Siobhan wants him to take care of it! Then Tyler, that dude she's beendoing so that he'll pay for her hotel room in Paris,comes in and tells her he's going to Rome on business. Siobhan declines to go with him, because Siobhan is the WORST. Then she moons over a photo of Henry. UGH. I wish she really had drowned.
This is an unfortunate angle for everyone involved. Including me.
But! WAIT! Tyler's on his way to the airport and he gets a phone call from his boss . . . ANDREW! So obvs he know's that Siobhan's not "Cora," right?! Andrew wants him to take over from Monsieur Jenet as head of European relations. Tyler needs to come to New York for an business meeting! Can I have Rich Envy for Andrew's employees? They seem to be jetting around on the turn of a dime!
At the Rich Envy loft, Henry comes strolling in to make sad, kicked-puppy faces about the miscarriage. Now he knows it's really over between him and BS, unlike the other 40000 times she told him it was over. This fake miscarriage is the deus ex machina that's wrapping up all the storylines I hate. Deus ex fakecarriage!
Malcolm's high as a kite and watching infomercials. That's pretty much my Saturday night, except for the heroin. Which is why my Saturday nights aren't really that cool. Then the cops come in and arrest him! Because New York cops are tough on drug crime in dodgy motels!
At the police station, Richard Alpert doesn't care about Malcolm's relapse into heroin addiction. He just wants Bridget! MAN, Richard Alpert. Clearly living on the island for hundred of years has made you a little kooky in the head.
Rich Envy Loft. BS and Juliet are having a heart to heart about school and miscarriages and stuff. Juliet is being really nice, now that her fake potential half-brother or half-sister is fake dead. BS says she doesn't think she and Andrew will try for a baby again -which Andrew glumly overhears. The next morning, Andrew's still pretty upset and is giving BS the cold shoulder. Without the baby, he doesn't know where they stand! Uh . . . more disposable income for last-minute vacations to the coast of France? I mean, I'm just throwing out ideas here.
Juliet can either wear pants or be nice, but never both.
Malcolm calls BS, all strung out from his night in jail. He and BS arrange to meet. And then Richard Alpert shows up at the loftand asks her to wear a wire to the meet, because he thinks that Malcolm will tell "Siobhan" where Bridget is! Richard Alpert! You're everywhere (to me)!
Malcolm is already waiting at the coffee shop when BS arrives. BS is all, "It's nice to MEET you, Malcolm. I'm Siobhan and we've never met before!" Malcolm stares at her with the same confusion that's on my face right now. Malcolm is confused because Bridget's acting weird. I'm confused because I am still awake, even though I am pretty sure I fell asleep two hours ago.BS manages to slip Malcolm a note to explain she's wearing a wire, so Malcolm says he has no idea where Bridget is. BS is shaken up to see that Malcolm's tweaking and she lays into Richard Alpert later for not helping him. "You got Bridget into rehab! She told me!" Richard Alpert explains that
he doesn't want to jump Malcolm's bones Malcolm isn't an important witness, so Richard doesn't care whether he's an addict or not. Except, um, Malcolm was just kidnapped by the bad guy you're trying to prosecute and held against his will for weeks while being drugged! So that makes him a pretty good potential witness, I'd say.
Also my look when the waiter interrupts my convo with my hot, high sponsor/boyfriend.
Poor School! Logan Echolls has transferred Juliet out of his class, since she has a crush on him. Noble Logan Echolls! Heartbroken Juliet! I'm frankly surprised he's managed to stay decent for, like, three straight episodes! Whither the breaking of headlights and campy little smirks, Echolls?
Fancy business dinner! Andrew, Business Partner Whose Name I Can't Remember and Tyler are talking about Tyler's American girlfriend whom he left back in Paris (what, so this isn't just an extended holiday hookup? They're dating?) when BS shows up! Andrew is pleased; Tyler is gobsmacked. So maybe he didn't know who Siobhan actually was?
Tyler is all, "Why'd you tell me your name is Cora?!" while Andrew and Business Parnter are ordering dinner. Now it's BS's turn to look gobsmacked. Siobhan's alive!
Oh, dear. Malcolm steals money from an outdoor cafe table, in order to score drugs. Oh, Malcolm. Please let me help you! I would like to soothe your fevered brow and cuddle your lovely body!
After the dinner, Tyler calls Siohban's cell phone (in France) and tells her that they're done! How dare she fly home to her husband while he was away? She needs to move out! Now it's Siobhan's turn to be gobsmacked - Bridget's actually going to business dinners?
Andrew and BS arrive home to Rich Envy Loft. Malcolm's waiting for them! He needs help! Andrew says he can stay, since he helped Bridget out,and he and BS hold hands. Aww. I like these two together. I also like Bridget and Malcolm together! These are the kind of love triangles that work! Take note, YA authors! And, well, everyone.
Flashback! It's time for Bridget to make amends! Malcolm helps her call Siobhan. Man, this Making Amends business. It's fine if it's someone you love and care about, OBVS, but sometimes people will call me up or email me out of the blue and tell me they're in the Program and they're making amends for the time that they stayed up late drinking and therefore didn't help out on the group assignment for class, or something. And I'm like, " . . . okay?" Surely you have something worse that your addiction made you do to someone; go call them!
Poor School. Juliet joins some sort of Young Samaritans club, just because Logan Echolls is the sponsor. Oh, Juliet. Eh, well, maybe we're all wrong about how this will turn out. Maybe Juliet's going to end up accidentally becoming a good person, like Cher Horowitz! "Some people lost everything, Daddy! Don't you think that includes sporting equipment?"
Oh, shizz. In another one of her bonehead moves, BS introduces Malcolm to Charlie and tells Charlie that Malcolm needs help. Yeah, I'm pretty sure Charlie's going to help Malcolm right into the Hudson River.
That's it for this week, folks! Me and my opiate-induced haze are going to go to sleep now, but tell me your thoughts! Who will win BS's heart, Andrew or Malcolm? Will Charlie kill Malcolm? WHY is Siobhan so intent to wreck everyone's lives? And if anyone would like to start a pool about how many eps it'll take for Logan Echolls to succumb to Juliet's charms, I'll put twenty bucks on four episodes from now.