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The Vampire Diaries 3x9: Homecoming

A recap of The Vampire Diaries, episode 3x9, "Homecoming", with drinking game and ohshitometer.

The Vampire Diaries 3x9: Homecoming

I CAN'T BELIEVE we're already at the mid-season break for The Vampire Diaries!!! This has seriously been the fastest 9 weeks ever.

So I don't know what tonight's episode has is store for us, but whatever it is, I'm pretty sure it's gonna have the ohshitometer spiking off the grid! To refresh: Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire hunter is one bad motha... and ironically, also the father of the originals. He's out to get Klaus, and has maybe done something to Katherine, who's MISSING!!! But speaking of Klaus, there hasn't been a meeting of the Evil Handsome Club in a while, BUT the president of the original Handsome Club has made up for that by burning up our television screens with the chemistry he has with EVERY PERSON IN THE WORLD. (Imagine the world peace he could bring about if he was elected to govern our country, hmmm?!!!) Also, there's been some training montages that deserve a mention, due to the fires they start in our shorts. And I think that's the basics, covered.

Stefan is makin' a phone call. Possibly he's ordering takeout? He looks so ernest, almost like old Stefan, but nope, there's that evil Stefan eyebrow quirk! He calls Klaus! Who makes fun of Portland and is awesome! Drink! Stefan tells him that they've used an ash dagger on Michael, and asks what they should do with the body. Flashback! Drink! To ONE hour ago! Stefan and Damon and Elena are discussing how to catch a Klaus, when Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter suggests that they ACTUALLY dagger him! So Elena does! (OH SHIT! +1) Because a vampire can't dagger an original or they'll die too! Wow, I don't remember that from last season, and I say that not because I'm doubting that it was there -- just that my memory was centered more on abs other things.

Then flash forward... to an hour later, and the gang's all listening in to Stefan's phone call to Klaus. Oh, but Klaus won't be tricked so easily -- he wants to talk to Rebekah. Uh-oh. But Rebekah's there! I guess she's on their side, now that she thinks Klaus killed her original witch mom. She tells them that he bought her act, so the Evil Handsome Club will be reunited and feeling so good very very soon.

"Reunited and it feels so good..."

Elena un-daggers Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter, and he wakes up in time to have a heart to heart with Rebekah, where she pretty much gives him the vampire version of "I learned it from watching you, dad!" Elena can't find anything to wear to Homecoming, so Bonnie suggests they just hang out at home and participate in Alaric's study group.
George: I don't know, that actually does sound pretty hot, Bonnie.
Not for nothin' it's called the hottest study group ever. Bonnie bemoans the fact that neither of them have dates, and come on, Bonnie! It's 2011! WTF?!! Then they talk about how they can't really talk about the whole Jeremy being in love with one of the ghosts of girlfriends past Drink!, even though Elena wishes they could talk about it. Also, we get a hint that Bonnie might be really, really mad. Hopefully not witch-mad.

Damon and Elena are preparing bottles of tonic and wolfsbane and discussing how this plan of theirs is never gonna work, but then Damon is awesome Drink! and tells her he's working on secret backup plans. Evil Stefan joins them, looking for a tie, and is awesome Drink! teasing Elena about how dangerous Mystic Falls school dances are. Then he's awesomely evil Drink! some more, by talking about how, in the history of their plans failing epically, it was usually one of the brothers' feelings that messed things up.

At the school, Caroline and Tyler are decorating for Homecoming, and hey! There's the stoner van! Tyler wants to find a juicebox (which Caroline is adamantly against) and talks about Barbie Klaus -- who's going to Homecoming with Matt. Caroline, much like myself, is not so sure this is a good idea, but Caroline one ups me by calling Barbie Klaus a 'blood slut'. Caroline is jealous of Tyler's friendship with the blood slut, but Tyler reminds her that he's covered in paint an glitter for a reason, and that reason is Caroline.

Barbie Klaus herself is standing in her Homecoming dress, looking in the mirror. She tells Elena that the whole reason she's so super-intense about this Homecoming thing is because this will be her first high school dance, ever. But before you get all sentimental, I'd like to call a foul, because I've seen a lot of movies and tv shows and read a lot of books about vampires, and in all my years of experience I've learned one thing: vampires love high school. So she expects me to believe that she's been around for a thousand years and has never once gone to a dance? Nice try, Barbie Klaus.

Then she tells Elena not to trust anyone in her whole family (not even YHH? Because I'd really like to trust him). Elena gives Rebekah her mother's/Rebekah's/Elena's necklace Drink! to complete the look (I say with a question mark, because that necklace is just... ugly.) and then OMG, she freakin' daggers Rebekah! Just when I was thinking maybe she put vervain in the necklace. Elena is being super bad ass! Now Rebekah will NEVER get to go to a dance! (OH SHIT!!! +2)
George: Aw, poor blood slut...

Elena feels bad about daggering Rebekah, but Damon tries to make her feel better. Unfortunately, they can only trust each other with this whole thing, and Damon's got a plan up his sleeve that I'm afraid involves self-sacrifice. AND THAT REALLY WORRIES ME.

Matt shows up to take daggered Barbie Klaus to the dance, and it looks like Homecoming is a super formal affair in Mystic Falls! I guess with a mortality rate that rivals Sunnydale, the kids gotta take advantage of every moment. Also I think Matt and Elena are going to go to the dance together. Awkward.

Fire trucks at the school! The gym's flooded! Poor Caroline! The dance is cancelled! (OH SHIT! +4) But wait, Tyler is going to move it to the dead mayor's house! Now we are at the dead mayor's house! And the dance is in full swing! And Caroline can't believe that Tyler set up a better party than she did in, like, 5 seconds! And he booked My Morning Jacket to play Homecoming! Whoah.
George: Yeah, you know, they had nothing else to do that night.

Stefan finds Tyler and gives him props on his party-throwing skills, but Tyler tells him, it's not a party, it's a wake. He's just following Klaus' orders! Dun-da-DUN!!! (OH SHIT!!! +5) I think it might be something other than the Salvatore brothers' humanity that epically messes up the plan tonight. Right on cue, Klaus takes the stage.

Bringing to the stage new levels of evil handsomeness, especially compared to My Morning Jacket (no offense, guys).

Elena and Matt arrive and things sure are weird. Like I thought they would be. Caroline is pretty pissed that Tyler's gone all Renfield, Elena decides to go find Bonnie and Matt decides to go find a drink.

The Evil Handsome Club has called a walking meeting, Drink! where Klaus tells Stefan that he's been planning his dad's funeral for a thousand years, hence all the guests. Even though none of the people there are people he would really have invited.
George: (as Klaus) Except My Morning Jacket. They were always on the guest list.
Stefan wants to know when Klaus wants to go see the body of Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter, but Klaus is in no hurry to leave the party, and tells Stefan to bring the body to him. He is also wondering where his sister is.

AWK-WARD.

At the Salvatore's, Damon is having a drink when Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter returns with the stake from the splinter of the old oak tree. He explains why he only drinks from vampires, but I wasn't really paying attention, because I was concerned that he might eat Damon, but it's something about blood lust, I think. Then Stefan comes in and tells them they're going to have to take the party to Klaus, but that's fine by Damon, and then Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter eats Stefan! (OH SHIT!!! +6)

At the Homecoming/wake, Klaus shows Tyler all of the extra guests he invited, and OMG, they're all werepires! To give us another opportunity to drink, Tyler says 'hybrid'. Drink! Klaus brought an army to the party, as insurance! (OH SHIT!!! +7) Then he's so confident, he tells Tyler that it's okay for him to warn his friends!

Tyler confronts Caroline about a plan to mess with Klaus, but she's out of the loop! And he's being a douchebag for team Klaus, anyway! Then he vervains her! (OH SHIT! +8)
George: No, he must've picked up that stabby neck injecting trick from watching Dexter!

Klaus approaches Elena and taunts her a little bit about whatever it is she's planning (Um, Klaus, handsome, I don't think it would take a rocket scientist to figure out that this 'whatever it is that they're all planning' is to kill you. I mean, it's not like they're just thinking up ways to hide the keys to your car, m'kay?)

A guy at the party won't let Damon in, and calls him a vampire, but Damon just rips his heart out, and calls him a hybrid Drink! which is awesome! Drink! (OH SHIT!! +9) But how did Damon know he was a hybrid? I mean, I'm all for just going with it, and saying 'because Damon is awesome', but sometimes, it seemed that they can't tell when people are vampires, right?
George: Or maybe it's just with Katherine Parmesan.

Tyler gives Caroline to Matt, and asks him to get her out of there to keep her safe, because he can't explain it, but him and all the other hybrids Drink! are Klaus's little bitch! Then Damon tells him that hybrids Drink! don't make good party guests, and Tyler and Damon start to fight! And Damon is going to stake Tyler! (But would that kill him, since he's a werepire?) But then Bonnie comes in and gives them both migraines! (OH SHIT!! +10) BONNIE! Is that part of the plan? Oh, I guess it was sort of part of the plan. Tyler's knocked out, but Damon only got migrained a little, and as he gets up, we see that he has the stake from the splinter of the old oak tree! How'd he get that? Bonnie wants to know too, and Damon is awesome Drink!

One of the werepires comes to Klaus
George: as he's just pondering beer pong
and tells him Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter has arrived. So they know that Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter is alive?!! Klaus tells his werepires to move the people to the back, and he goes to see his dad at the front door! He won't let his dad in the house, and his werepires have come around behind him! He wants them to play 'dismember the original', but I think Damon is going to stake Klaus from behind! Or not? It turns out that Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter can compel Klaus's werepires, too, one of them has Elena! (Or is it?) Also? (OH SHIT!! +11) Michael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter is really kind of mean to Klaus, telling him what a disappointment he is as a son and stuff, and then he stabs Elena! But then Damon stabs Klaus with the stake from the splinter of the old oak tree, but doesn't get it in his heart! (OH SHIT!!! +12) And they wrestle! But then Stefan comes in! And knocks Damon off of Klaus! And Elena gets up, because she's Katherine! It was Double Trouble! Drink! She throws a bunch of wolfsbane grenades at the werepires! And Klaus takes this opportunity to stake Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter with the stake from the splinter of the old oak tree! (OH SHIT!!!! +13) So dear old dad wasn't so tough after all, because when all's said and done, Klaus had his friends around him. Even if they had to be compelled to be there. Pour one out.

But now Stefan's earned his freedom, so Klaus un-compels him (what will that mean?!) and we see that the CW is advertising for a movie called Beneath the Blue with Paul Wesley, that will be on next Thursday, and just going by the title, I'm guessing that's just another opportunity for a shirtless Salvatore! With dolphins!

Caroline wakes up and she's still wearing her Homecoming dress, which CAN'T be comfortable, but Tyler is sorry he stabbed her with vervain. He's trying to be all cute with her, but Caroline doesn't know who he is now. Tyler explains that it's way better than changing, and that hey, he was never in control of himself anyway, but Caroline can't quite process it, so they sort of break up.

Can YOU imagine taking a nap in this?!! The boob-sqeeze alone would be miserable.

Damon is super-pissed at how south the plan went. He and Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter had a back up plan for every contingency! Except Stefan saving Klaus' life.
George: But if Stefan is now freed from Klaus' compulsion, and Klaus doesn't want to kill Elena, is it really so bad?
But Damon is inconsolable. He HAD Klaus! He HAD him! And now he feels like he failed! Then Elena comforts him! And I think it would REALLY comfort him if you kissed him, Elena! But the phone rings. It's Katherine. She's heading out of town. WITH STEFAN! (OH SHIT!!! +14) Flashback! Drink! To earlier that night! Katherine wakes Stefan up after Mikael, aka Sebastian Roche, Vampire, Vampire Hunter ate him, and gives him a blood cupcake! And it's all because Klaus told her that if he dies, he's fixed it so that Damon will get killed too! So Stefan and Katherine messed everything up to save Damon!

In the present, even Katherine says she wanted to save Stefan's humanity, (It's like an episode of 'Intervention' around here.) and Katherine tells him that through it all, she did love him, and she did love Damon, too. But Stefan doesn't WANT his humanity, because he doesn't want to feel, because of all the bad stuff he's done. Katherine tells him 'tough cookies, we've got work to do'.

Klaus is leaving a message for Rebekah, who is daggered in the Salvatore's cellar, about how now that dear old dad is dead, it's time to wake up the rest of the family. Then he gets a call from Stefan, who's all like, 'check this out, bitch!' and Klaus opens up the moving truck that should have all the coffins in it, and it's empty! Stefan stole Klaus' family! (OH SHIT!!! +15) (Of which we've only met three. There are two more coffins there, yeah? Hmmm...) Klaus vaguely threatens to kill everyone Stefan ever knew, and Stefan pretty much pulls a great Southern lady 'you do that, honey' line.

And that's it! AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!! We have to wait TWO MONTHS to see if there is kissage?!!! Aw man...

I was actually expecting a more traumatic cliffhanger, so maybe I should be thanking the CW? Still, the ohshitometer got up to 15, BUT, there was NO kissing between Elena and Damon, and they were SO close, it was such a TEASE!!! I don't know about y'all, but I'm actually glad Klaus isn't dead. I've felt really torn about that. The next episode doesn't come on until Jan. 5! Until then we'll have to fill our nights with wondering if Stefan will ever really come back, if Damon and Elena will ever kiss, will they ever undagger YHH, if Tyler and Caroline are really broken up, will we meet the rest of the originals, and what is up with it looking like Jeremy gets hit by a car?!!!

Jenny Bird's photo About the Author: Jenny grew up on a steady diet of Piers Anthony, Isaac Asimov and Star Wars novels. She has now expanded her tastes to include television, movies, and YA fiction.
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