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Ringer 1x9: Shut Up and Eat Your Bologna

A recap of Ringer 1x9: Shut Up and Eat Your Bologna.

Ringer 1x9: Shut Up and Eat Your Bologna

Hey, fellow poor people! Well, actually, some of you might be rich, but I'm pretty sure we ALL feel poor while watching Ringer because SIOBHAN'S CLOSET ALONE. WHAT. Also, if any of you ARE rich, please contact me immediately.

Anyway, a whole shizz ton of stuff happened in last night's episode!! There's still a lot I don't understand, like what exactly Andrew does to be so crazy rich, but I really appreciated the reveals last night. The writers threw us some bones! Now, let's dissect 'em!

Since last week's episode eliminated the need for our "Pregnant Panic" category, I've chosen to add one for cliffhangers, because there's pretty much one before every commercial break. Not that I'm complaining! Also, you guys know that these categories are basically an excuse for a drinking game, right? Right.

Cliffhangers: 4

Fave outfit: I know some of you will disagree, but I LOVED Siobhan's black & white tux... thing. I'm pretty sure it was made by taking Liza Minelli's outfit from Cabaret and putting Cher's over-Calvin-Klein-dress shirt underneath.

Flashbacks: 3

Moments when you wonder how Bridget has gotten away with not having sex with Andrew (Cockblock): 1,001

Moments when you wish you were as rich as Andrew (Rich Envy): 15

Moments you miss Buffy (Buffy RIP): 1

Alright! Show! Bridget-as-Siobhan (BS) and Andrew are totally sucking face! (Cockblock +1000). Me thinks we'll be getting rid of our Cockblock category v. soon. Andrew wants to take BS on a fancy vacation, but all I can think about is why in God's name BS would pick that brown silk pillowcase out of her closet when she could be wearing, say, her wedding dress! That Andrew got fixed for her! BS insists on putting it in the closet, because she doesn't want Andrew to find that pesky old gun. Dude, why hasn't she just, like, thrown it in the Hudson? That's why the Hudson EXISTS.

I can't wait until Andrew realizes that BS is missing Sibohan's tramp stamp.

Flashback! Six weeks ago in Wyoming, Bridget totally nailed Jimmy The Cop on the head, because she thought he was an assassin sent by Scary Face. Jimmy tells her that she can't trust the Feds and advises her to run to her family. He wants her to take the gun, but she refuses. Looks like he hides it in her bag anyway!

Present day! BS calls Charlie and asks him how to get rid of the gun. I know I should be worried about how this is a really bad idea, but I can't take any villain who wears a Bluetooth seriously. Charlie says he'll take care of the gun, then decides to stab his kitchen island with his sandwich knife. He lies and tells BS that he's at the library, but he's really in the basement of his house! And WHAAAAA! Gemma's there, tied up in a chair! That's... too bad. He tells her, "Shut up and eat yr bologna," and I definitely think we should add this as a rule for the drinking game. Whenever a character says the name of the episode, DRINK!

AA Meeting. Malcolm thanks Charlie for giving him a place to stay, then BS shows up and gives Charlie the gun. Now that he's not wearing the Bluetooth, I can say that THIS IS A V. BAD IDEA.

Flashback! Hamptons Beach House six weeks ago (Rich Envy + 10). Bridget opens her bag and finds the gun that Jimmy The Cop secretly gave to her. Well, I can think of worse surprises to find in yr travel bag. Like, this one time my favorite nail polish exploded all over my toiletries. That REALLY sucked, you guys.

Present day! It's Henry (Heinous), and he's with two gingers! Wait, those gingers are his kids! It's kinda creeping me out that we can't see their faces. Heinous is signing paperwork with Andrew (seriously, WHAT DOES THIS GUY ACTUALLY DO?), and we find out that Gemma's dad, whose name I can't really understand, is having heart trouble due to preexisting conditions and the stress over Gemma's disappearance. Oh right, some people still actually care that Gemma is gone. Huh.

Coffeeshop! Bridget tells Malcolm that she gave Charlie the gun, and Malcolm is NOT happy. "Do you really think it's a good idea to give up your only protection?" Well, I would think that Andrew's condo has some pretty good security. Plus, it's not like Bridget carries the gun around, so she would only be protected if someone attacked her in her closet. Which is pretty big, actually (Rich Envy + 1), so I guess that could happen!

"I asked for a shot of heroin in my latte, but they just gave me this lousy espresso instead."

Bridget is determined to find out who's after Siobhan, so she searches the house to the tune of some v. upbeat music. It's like a ransacking montage! Amidst her piles of shoes (Rich Envy +1), Bridget finds a container of pills prescribed by Dr. Anabele Morris, so she calls and makes an appointment. WAIT. WHAT. How is this a good idea?

At the doctor's office, we meet Dr. Morris, aka Dr. Pretty, who is wearing a v. cute skirt. She asks BS why she's calling herself Siobhan Martin, and then CLIFFHANGER!

"I actually got my PhD in being pretty."

After the commercial break, we discover that Siobhan never used her real name when scheduling appointments. BS flashes back to that Paris dude calling her Cora. A-ha! So this is what it's like when yr memory isn't clouded by alcohol. You remember things! I should try that some time.

Dr. Pretty wonders what's up, and I do too, because BRIDGET, how are you going to BS (get it? GET IT?!) through a session with a therapist who knew all of Siobhan's secrets?!! BS chooses the "Everything's fixed now!" route, and Dr. Pretty is a little suspicious. Or self-important. It's hard to tell with this lady. She says, "You came here to explore something with me. Something must have felt different this morning." BS has a flashback (!) to the morning, when she was smooching with Andrew. OMG! She's totally butt crazy in love with Andrew!

Andrew's office. He's listening to an assistant discuss his vacation options (Rich Envy +1) when Olivia comes in. She thinks that now is the time to hit up Gemma's dad, Tim... Aubergast? He's dying, and Olivia thinks he needs to leave his money in the right place, i.e. HER POCKET. Andrew refuses to shake down Heinous for his connection to... Overgast? Olivia fires back with a reminder that they've recently lost some big clients, and they need the money.

Back at the doctor's office, BS is all blah blah blah to Dr. Pretty. I really don't see how this can end well. Bridget, this isn't a slumber party! It's a counseling session! With a woman who knows a shizz ton about the woman you're impersonating! Fortunately, Dr. Pretty says their time is up, but when BS asks about her anti-depressants, Dr. Pretty says she didn't prescribe them for depression. So... huh. P.S. Remind me to never make an appointment with Dr. Pretty. I don't care how much I adore her skirt, the woman is AWFUL.

Macolm's in Charlie's bathroom, looking, as any good Southerner would say, "so tired, bless yr heart." He notices that Charlie has Listerine on the shelf, which HAS ALCOHOL IN IT. Charlie lies and says his ex-gf left it. Malcolm doesn't seem to be buying it, and I wouldn't either. I mean, what girlfriend would bring over a honkin' jug of Listerine to her boyfriend's place? That's just... not sexy.

Malcolm calls Bridget and tells her what happened. He thinks Charlie is using again, but when he searched for evidence, all he found was a strong feeling that Charlie doesn't really live in the apartment. Everything is still new and shrink-wrapped. I'm really hoping this is a Bluth family situation, and the TV is actually made of cardboard.

BS sees Dr. Pretty leave, so she grabs the bathroom key from the receptionist and sneaks into the office! Dang, girl! After spreading all of the papers on the doctor's desk around, she somehow manages to find the notes from Siobhan's last session. But then Dr. Pretty comes in! CLIFFHANGER!

After the commercial break, Dr. Pretty threatens to calls security, and BS tells her she just wanted to talk more. I'm wondering if Dr. Pretty is wishing she'd put Siobhan on anti-psychotic meds instead. Dr. Pretty seems to believe her, but says they probably can't continue therapy together. BS is all, KTHX BAI, then reads the notes and sees that Siobhan was prescribed anti-depressant drugs due to her paranoia. According to the notes, she thought someone was out to get her, and she found the answer at Gramercy Cathedral!

Olivia and Andrew are still at the office, and Olivia continues to pressure him about Gemma's dad. Andrew's all, peace out, it's time for a sex lunch break with my wife!

After some sushi (Rich Envy +1), Andrew tells BS about the situation with Olivia and Gemma's dad. They are being so cute and canoodley with each other! Andrew asks BS a hypothetical question: if doing the right thing cost him everything, would she still stand by him? She says yes in a super cute and Buffy-ish way (Buffy Rip + 1), although I mean, girl, have you really thought this through? No more massive closet? No more days spent meeting dudes for coffee because YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A JOB?

Charlie's apartment. Malcolm apologizes for the Listerine freak-out, and Charlie heads to the bathroom for a shower. Macolm pulls Charlie's wallet out of his jacket and finds a key with an address on the keychain. Really? Who does that? That's like, an invitation for someone to rob you.

BS is at the cathedral. She sees that it's for sale, then watches a... pimp (?) yelling at a prostitute (?) as they come out of a door with a sign next to it that says The Rectory. Meanwhile, Malcolm opens up a PO box with the key and finds a letter addressed to John Delario.

BS walks inside the Rectory, and Little Dragon is playing. And it's a BAR! YES! I love this place already. That reminds me of the time my parents took me to the Hard Rock Cafe in Dallas when I was a kid. It was in an old church! Which I thought was super edgy! I also thought owning Hard Rock Cafe t-shirts was cool, so... yeah. I'm not the best barometer of hip. But still, I like this place.

Whoah, BS sees Charlie sitting at the bar! And he's drinking! ALCOHOL! And the bartender calls him John! And Bridget apparently has bionic hearing!

Pimp Guy asks BS if she's ok. She asks him if he's seen her with Charlie, which is a weird question that she smooths over by handing him money. He says no, but tells her that Charlie is there all of the time, drinking whiskey and talking on his cell phone. At least he doesn't use that Bluetooth in public!

Siobhan, in her sweet Liza-Cher outfit, calls Charlie and asks what's up with Malcolm. He tells her that he has Bridget's gun, and then Siobhan says that the only reason Bridget had it was because the cop that Charlie hired (!) gave it to her! And that Jimmy The Cop was supposed to lead Bridget straight to Siobhan! HOLY SHIZZ MOMENT!

Back at the office, Andrew tells Olivia he's made a decision-- he doesn't want to pursue... Avergast? Olivia asks what changed his mind, and he responds, "I have other things to live for besides the bottom line." GAG ME WITH A SPATULA. Then he says, "I want to be the man she thinks I am." (Cockblock + 1) Ok, that's just... gross. I'm with Olivia on this one.

Andrew leaves, and Olivia tears up some kind of dividend retirement form. Um, ok!

At the fancy pad (Rich Envy +1), Malcolm tells Bridget about the name on the envelope. Bridget thinks Charlie is the one who was after Siobhan, and Malcolm decides to check out the address in the letter he found in the PO box.

Olivia shows up at Heinous' house and says he missed a page. Ahh, so that's why she tore up the form! Heinous pours them some drinks, because he's a total skeez. Dude, yr wife JUST disappeared. Then again, Olivia does have some v. nice guns. Heinous tells her that he's heard that she's a bitch, and she complains that she and Andrew used to be on the same page about "business and doing what needed to be done." Oh show, YOU SO AMBIGUOUS!

Olivia wonders what changed between Andrew and Siobhan, and then there's these weird children crying noises. It's like the sound guys decided to use an audio sample from a horror movie. Heinous goes upstairs to make sure the gingers haven't turned into creepy ghosts, and Olivia finds a picture on his phone of him and Siobhan. Thankfully, it's not a nekkid pic, but WHAT? First of all, how stupid is Heinous to keep this on his phone? Second, how did Gemma not ever find this?!!!

Coffeeshop! BS meets up with Charlie, and I'm digging her sweater and necklace combo. I am NOT digging the close-up of Charlie's teeth and nasty facial hair. It's obvious that BS is distracting him while Malcolm breaks into the house at the other address. I'm guessing this is where Gemma is. He starts searching... the kitchen cabinets. Really, dude? Do you think Charlie keeps his secrets in Tupperware?

I would totally let Charlie keep the gun in exchange for never having to see a close-up of his nasty facial hair again.

BS tells Charlie she should've kept the gun, and she wants it back. Meanwhile, Malcolm refuses to go into the basement, even though Gemma is rocking her chair around and making noises. FINALLY he notices there's a lock on the basement door and CLIFFHANGER!

Charlie says the gun is with another guy, so he needs a day to get it back. BS tries to make him stay, but he leaves. Malcolm finally finds a key ring, but it's FULL of keys. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY KEYS? He starts trying them one by one, and then he sees Bridget's text telling him to get out of there. He can't get the door unlocked, and we see Gemma, lying on the floor, still tied to her chair. You know, maybe it's better this way. At least she'll never find out that her kids have become creepy ginger ghosts.

Charlie leaves a message for Siobhan: "She's onto me." CLIFFHANGER!

And THAT'S IT! The midseason finale (which I still refuse to believe is a real thing) is on Tuesday, November 29th!

So, what do you guys think? Why didn't Charlie kill Gemma? Does Siobhan think he did? Why did she want Bridget to be sent to her by Jimmy The Cop in the first place? What's Olivia going to do with that picture of Heinous and Siobhan? Will the creepy ghost gingers going on a haunting spree?

Categories: Tubin' Tags: cwringer
Posh Deluxe's photo About the Author: Sarah lives in Austin, TX, where she programs films at the Alamo Drafthouse. Sarah enjoys fancy cocktails, dance parties and anything that sparkles (except vampires).