SO. Here is something you should know about me. I am extremely flaky. It's true! Ask anyone who is a friend of mine and they will tell you that I am their third flakiest friend (their first flakiest friend is always our friend Mandy, who has a habit of "popping out to go to the bathroom" and winds up just ditching the party and going home to sleep, and their second flakiest friend is Bill, who will tell you he's going to New Orleans for the weekend and then you don't hear from him for a year and it turns out he moved to New York without telling anyone. Which makes my flakiness of sometimes calling and saying I'm not feeling up to going out seem pretty tame, I think.). Anyway, BECAUSE I'm flaky, I totally flaked on the last two Revenge recaps!! Actually I totally wrote one recap (from two weeks ago) and just forgot to post it, ha ha.
I'll try to do better in the future, folks.
Anyway! Let's get to talking about Revenge! It wasn't on last week and I missed it, like the desert does not miss the rain because it is a desert and exists quite well for long periods of time without rain and that is a stupid song.
Most Awesome Rich Person Outfit: Oh, Amanda's block-colored dress, by FAR. That's the kind of dress where you think that you could also wear that dress - and you could, because it's so pretty and flattering - and so you decide to go buy your own block-colored dress, but because your block-colored dress came from Target and didn't cost three hundred dollars, it only looks okay on you, and you feel cheated and want to rage at society for promising you something wonderful and then telling you that it'll only be wonderful if you're rich enough to afford it. Amanda's block-colored dress is the 1%.
I want to Occupy that dress!
Funniest Amanda FACE: Again, easy. Her face when she sees the video of Tyler and Nolan doing it. Oh come on, Amanda. You were in juvie. Surely you've seen gay sex before.
Person Revenge is Exacted Upon: Well, Amanda tries (and fails) to exact revenge on both Tyler and TRET! and neither one is particularly damaged. This wasn't a good week for Amanda, really. She needs to step up her game. I can't believe her road map for revenge didn't include at least the possible pit stops of gay hustlers conning people and an ex-juvie roomie with abandonment issues. Jeez, Amanda. PLANNING.
Daniel vs Jack: Why am I supposed to care about Daniel again? Is it his stupid, frat-boy face? Anyway, Amanda looks like she's actually developing feelings for DudeBro Grayson. Meanwhile, not only is Jack possibly catching several venereal diseases from TRET!, it looks like Amanda's actually encouraging it. She obviously still feels a lot for Jack, because she moons over him at least twice this episode, but for now she's content letting her ex-juvie-roomie, WHOM SHE KNOWS TO BE AN UNHINGED MURDERER, slither all over him. Get your shit together, Amanda.
Number of Botox Shots that Madeleine Stowe Has Had This Week: oh, at least 40. I mean, the scene where Conrad serves her with divorce papers must have taken a good dozen shots alone.
What's going on in the Mansion: Conrad serves Victoria divorce papers, which you just know has to piss her off but good, mostly because she didn't think to do it first. She's not nearly as controlled as she has been, even breaking the news to Ashley and admitting how lonely she is. Ashley, still trying to suck up to Victoria in order to get a position better than Official Grayson Ass-Kisser (though what position does Ashley think she can get? Official Grayson Ass-Kisser is the profession of everyone in the Hamptons.), promises Victoria that she'll get Daniel to come back into the fold. Ashley convinces Daniel to go to lunch with Victoria, and of course Daniel has to invite Amanda (this is starting to get confusing to talk about, since TRET! is now posing as Amanda Clarke. I think from now on, I'm going to refer to the girls as TRAC! and TRET! - The Real Amanda Clarke, who is posing as Emily Thorne - and The Real Emily Thorne, who is now posing as Amanda Clarke.), because Daniel is incapable of even wiping his ass without his mommy or his mommy-substitute present. Christ Jesus, I hate Daniel so very much. He's 24 years old! Cowboy up, kid; I think you're old enough to handle lunch with your mom. You know she's not going to cause a public scene, anyway, cause: Botox.
While Victoria's waiting for Daniel, a slick divorce lawyer sidles up to her. He represented Lydia's husband whose name I can never remember in their divorce, and apparently did a super-good job of it. He must have, since it's only been about six weeks since Lydia's affair with Conrad was discovered (or has this show forgotten that only three months have elapsed between the day TRAC! moves to town and the flash-forward from the pilot that's held at TRAC! and Daniel's engagement party?), and in New York, even an uncontested, no-fault (grrr, don't get me started on no-fault divorces) divorce takes sixty days. Contested or fault divorces take even longer, and a quick Google search leads me to believe that Lydia's husband would have gone for a Fault divorce on the grounds of adultery, which would have required corroborating testimony from Conrad and or non-circumstantial evidence of the affair, which would be hard to prove. Because otherwise if he'd chosen a no-fault divorce (grr), he wouldn't have been able to scalp Lydia for property and alimony, and then what would be the point of hiring a super-slick lawyer?
And yeah, I just Googled "New York State divorce rules + basis of adultery." If I ever commit a crime and a team of forensic IT guys are going through my browser history, they're going to wonder what the fuck else I've done.
Anyway, Victoria thinks that super-slick Lawyer is repping Conrad, but nay! He wants to rep Victoria and rake him over the coals. He seems to have a personal axe to grind, but it may just be that it'd be a little silly for him to represent Lydia's husband (George? I can never remember his name) in one divorce and then go on to represent Conrad in his divorce, considering the reason for both divorces is that Conrad and Lydia had an affair. Victoria agrees, and relishes the chance to bleed Conrad dry. That's a metaphor. I hope. With Victoria, you never know.
Charlotte moves out of the house and in to live with Conrad, because the show insists we care about Charlotte and Declan. She and Declan were going to get an apartment together with the 25,000 dollar check that Victoria had bribed Declan with, but Jack convinces Declan that he needs to finish high school and go to college so that he can be the man that Charlotte deserves. This speech works on Charlotte, because Charlotte loves cliches.
Victoria is sad and alone with only her Botox and Tyler to keep her company, so Daniel moves back in briefly, mostly to protect his mom from Tyler (more on that in a minute). Victoria is thrilled to have her son back, though of course the Botox prevents us from seeing that.
What's going on in the Beachhouse:
TRAC! spends a lot of time practicing martial arts with her Sensei and being counselled on her emotional involvement with Daniel. The Sensei thinks she's losing her focus, but TRAC! is convinced she's got it all under control. Which, of course. means that pretty much everything unravels in this episode.
Wax on, whack off.
Let's start with TRET! She's still hanging out on Jack's boat and pretending to be Amanda Clarke. TRAC! "helps" her by providing her with a completely fake journal that TRAC! claims contains her junior high self's thoughts, including memories of her childhood with Jack. The journal is quite obviously a new spiral bound notebook which TRAC! has beat up a bit to look old,though I doubt that TRET! is going to take the thing to a lab for ink tests. I expected this journal to be filled with lies, but so far everything that TRET! has brought up has proven to be accurate. So I'm not really sure what TRAC!'s game plan is here. I guess she figures that keeping TRET! quiet and happy is Priority Number One, and since rubbing syphilis onto Jack's face is what's keeping TRET! happy, TRAC! is going along with it.
TRET!, I would not wear those pants if I were you.
Daniel comes over and TRAC! introduces him to TRET!, saying that apparently, TRET! used to live in this beachhouse, isn't that cute? Daniel's all, "whaaaa?? Amanda Clarke's dad David used to work for my dad and was executed for blowing up a plane!" TRAC! takes this news hilariously, putting on what could be considered a "concerned that I chipped a nail" face and saying something like, "wow. That's pretty intense." HA HA. TRAC!, I love you so much.
Daniel's mind is soon diverted, though, when TRAC! reveals to him that she thinks that Tyler blackmailed Nolan into investing the 20 million dollars, on account of how she saw a video of them doing the sex, and thinks that he should tell Conrad. Damn straight Daniel's going to tell Conrad! But mostly because he's still bent out of shape that Tyler is his dad's favorite. To that end, Daniel requests TRAC!'s help in getting the Sensei to invest with him.
He drags TRAC! to a dinner with the Sensei in order to translate, since Daniel doesn't speak Japanese and doesn't even make the pretense of learning a few key phrases to show the Sensei his good faith in attempting to speak Japanese. The Sensei speaks English, since he knows what Daniel's saying, so I'm willing to bet that he, like pretty much everyone else in a first-world nation, are more than happy to speak English once stupid Americans who think they don't need to know any other languages (to be fair, half of the world's English speakers don't exactly have a superior grasp on English either.) at least make a passing attempt at learning the person's native tongue. It's only polite, folks.
TRAC! begs the Sensei to invest with Daniel, as it's crucial to her plan for REVENGE, but the Sensei thinks that Daniel is weak-willed and wouldn't be a good steward for his millions. The Sensei is, of course, right. I wouldn't trust Daniel with five bucks, much less five million. But TRAC! tells Daniel that the Sensei has decided to invest 50 million dollars, which I guess she's planning on funding largely from her own pocket. Jesus Christ. 50 million dollars? TRAC!, you can get revenge on me anytime if your method for doing so is to give me 50 million dollars to blow.
It doesn't really go to plan, though, because the Sensei tells TRAC! that she's too off course, and pulls his money and leaves. So now TRAC! is stuck finding another investor for Daniel. But Daniel is so dumb that I'm pretty sure TRAC! could just hire another Japanese guy to play the Sensei and tell Daniel that he got a haircut.
What's going on in the Stowaway: Jack and TRET!'s love affair continues apace, regardless of the fact that she's probably turned his boat into a Halfway House(boat) for Really Untalented Strippers. She uses the journal that TRAC! gives her to worm her way even further into his affections, even finally winning over Sammy the Ageless Wonder Dog, who heretofore has greeted her with growls that are Labradorese for "back off, she-devil." Jack seems to think that Sammy just forgot who Amanda was, but uh, Sammy is a LAB. Labs don't forget nuthin'. Plus Sammy's so old, he probably remembers Lincoln's assassination and will be providing nitpicky internet commentary when the Daniel Day-Lewis movie gets released next year.
TRET! is just happy that a real boy actually like-likes her. He doesn't like-like you, TRET! He like-likes Amanda Clarke! And TRAC!, for that matter. You will never live up to the glory that is Amanda Clarke's very essence, TRET! Her natural essence is a musky flavor of awesome.
What's Nolan up to: YIKES. The Nolan/Tyler storyline is getting twisty and my tummy is getting Dawn-like rumbles at the idea of Nolan getting hurt in all of this. Nolan is the Tara of my heart. His ass better not get Improbably Shot by his real-life boyfriend, is all I'm saying.
TRAC! comes over to get the low-down on Tyler's latest exploits. Amongst other things, he started Googling David Clarke when he broke into Nolan's place the other day and scanned in the Lydia speech. Interesting. TRAC! wants Nolan to pull his investment money back so that he can hoist Tyler upon his own petard (is that what the kids are calling it these days?)but Nolan really doesn't want to. He pretends to call up his financial dude to start the transaction of withdrawing his investment while TRAC! subtly watches some of the surveillance video of The Conveniently Cut-Away Gay Sex. ABC teaches me that when gay men have sex, they do so by laying on the bed and then one person takes off his shirt and then that's it. It seems like it's really easy to master gay sex; more people should do it.
Tyler comes over to return some of Nolan's money that he stole . . . from the commission given to him after securing Nolan's investment. Oh, Tyler. You are so bizarre. He invites Nolan out on a romantic holiday to Monte Carlo, which Nolan obvs will have to pay for. Boy, Tyler must be really good at taking his shirt off and laying down on a bed for him to sway Nolan this way.
Now, according to plan, one of will take off our shirts and then the screen goes dark.
I didn't mention it earlier but it will bear important in a future episode: in the beginning of the episode, Tyler is rather frantically searching for something in his bags. He finally comes across a bottle of Clozapine. Great. I guess the manipulative person who uses sex for personal gain would need to be mentally ill. He can't just be a jerk. Anyway, Tyler should just go get some Clozapine from Carrie Mathison's sister. She'll shell some out to anyone. (Now there's a show I'd love to be recapping.)
After TRAC! tells Daniel about her suspicions that Tyler has blackmailed Nolan, Daniel tells his father. Conrad threatens to fire Tyler, but Tyler turns it back around on him, telling him that he knows what happened with David Clarke and that if Conrad ever fires Tyler, he'll go public. You mean to tell me that Tyler figured out that Conrad set up David Clarke after, like, a ten minute Google search at Nolan's house? Why couldn't David's defense attorney do that? To be fair, I guess Google hadn't been invented yet.
Later, Nolan caves in to TRAC!'s demands and tells Tyler that he's pulling his investment and meanwhile Tyler is all, "great work on showing the video to Conrad, dick!" They each think the other showed Conrad the video, and then Tyler throws Nolan's laptop into the water. Oh, it is ON NOW, son! Although, also, Nolan seems pretty upset about the laptop loss, and it's not like he isn't going to have that shit backed up, right?
But! Tyler must have palmed Nolan's little wooden dolphin butt plug/flash drive before he left, because he is poring over it intently later at the Grayson's pool house. Then he sees the video of Lydia arguing with Frank and telling him that she knows that the Graysons framed David Clarke! Fortuitous find, Tyler!
Meanwhile,Nolan is pretty damn pissed that TRAC! is fucking with his life and TRAC! is pretty stone cold about it all. Nolan, genuinely upset, says that he's glad that David isn't around to see what TRAC!'s become. TRAC!, WHY ARE YOU PUSHING NOLAN AWAY? NOLAN IS THE GREATEST!
BE NICE TO MY NEW TARA, DAMNIT!
Mean-meanwhile, Daniel's so pissed that Conrad didn't fire Tyler that he throws his support behind Victoria and promises to get her access to Conrad's financial accounts.
FLASHBACK TIME! Two flashbacks this week!
FLASHBACK!! A crying, young TRAC! gives Puppy Sammy to Jack, who has the biggest hair imaginable. It's, like, Chia pet sized. Amanda's being led away by Social Services, but she promises to come back for Sammy. I would love for this whole plot for revenge to be centered around her desire to have her doggy back. Men have killed for less noble concerns.
ALSO! Flashback!! Victoria's Divorce Lawyer was David's lawyer! And he dropped his appeal! So now TRAC!'s going to get REVENGE on him!
Uh oh! Now what? Ashley and Tyler decide to team up and bring the Hampton elites down, but in more important Oh Shit news, Victoria overheads Daniel talking about how Amanda Clarke is back in town. AW SHIZ.
Also, next week's preview is AWESOME: it's just a shot of a panicked looking TRAC!, then pans out to Daniel, Victoria, TRET!, Jack, Charlotte, everyone around a dinner table . . . with Tyler pointing a gun at them. Can't wait!
What'd you guys think of this week's episode? Is revenge going to be exacted on anyone soon? TRAC!'s frankly not living up to her potential.
About the Author: Erin is loud, foul-mouthed, an unrepentant lover of trashy movies and believes that champagne should be an every day drink. When she isn't drowning in a sea of engineers for whom Dilbert is still uproariously funny, she's writing about books, tv, the cult of VC Andrews and more.
