As y'all know, I normally limit my academic research to film trailers for movies that I'm highly anticipating, either because I think they'll actually be good (Harry Potter) or because I think they'll be good to drink with (Twilight). But today, my fellow scholars, I bring to the lab a subject that defies both categories.
When I first encountered this trailer, its v. existence challenged all of the scientific laws. Why is it here? How does it exist? Who will it appeal to? And, finally, who thought it was a good idea to make a rom-com based on a non-fiction book about how babies can totally wreck yr body? With these probing questions in mind, I set out to analyze this enigmatic creature. And so today, I present to you the results from my careful analysis of the trailer for What To Expect When You're Expecting. And I can tell you right now that if you're expecting this movie to be good, what you should expect is actually THE OPPOSITE.
First, as always, we must observe the subject in its natural state:
I doubt that.
Wow, the Rebellion really did a number on Effie.
P.S. ELIZABETH BANKS WHY ARE YOU IN THIS MOVIE? Oh, because they said you could keep that kickass rainbow unicorn shirt? Ok then.
Ok, honestly, in what world would this guy end up with ElizaBABE Banks? Oh, that's right, the world of ROMANTIC COMEDIES. Where hot ladies can date dorky guys with "fun personalities" but hot dudes will only date a fugly girl if they can take off her glasses, thereby transforming her into a beautiful swan. UGH BITE ME HOLLYWOOD.
You're right, trailer. I am totally confused about why anyone would want to see this film.
I can't BELIEVE that nurse thought that Dennis Quaid was that preggo lady's father instead of her husband. AWKWARD. I mean, doesn't that nurse realize that it is totally normal and typical for a 20-something girl to be married to an old dude because actors will NEVER be too old to be hot, whereas actresses can never be sexy after 40 unless they're Helen Mirren?! Is this universal truth really so hard to understand?!! GAH NURSE GET WITH THE PROGRAM.
Yes. Yes it is.
Anna: Wanna hear a good joke?
Chace: Whoah, I thought you were Blair from behind. Wait, this isn't the Gossip Girl set?
Anna: So, I was in Twilight, which, you know, is a really sucky movie but hey, it was a big break for me, and it landed me great roles in fantastic films like Up In The Air and Scott Pilgrim, and I was like, sure, I'll be in Breaking Dawn, because, you know, I want to thank that franchise for helping me get so far in Hollywood.
Chace: Seriously, though, where's Blair? Or Serena? Or who the eff am I dating now? Am I gay yet?
Anna: And so, after Breaking Dawn, my next big, important role was in... this movie. ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS? HA HA HA! I LOVE MY CAREER.
Chace: Dude, I think I just imprinted on you.
OMG! It's a group of girlfriends, burning scented candles and making catty comments while lounging in their pajamas! I totally identify with that! I totally want to see this movie now! With my girlfriends!
Aaaaand it's the guy from Glee. Of course.
Hey guys, remember when you liked Cameron Diaz? Yeah, me neither.
IT'S THAT HOT DUDE FROM LOVE ACTUALLY!!!!! And J-Lo. But THAT GUY! FROM LOVE ACTUALLY! THAT LAURA LINNEY TOTALLY SHOULD HAVE HAD SEX WITH INSTEAD OF TALKING TO HER CRAZY BROTHER ON THE PHONE! LOVE ACTUALLY!!! Oh yeah, this trailer is not for Love Actually.
Now I know what killed Biggie Smalls. This. This right here.
Hey, this movie. Three Men and a Baby called. THEY WANT THEIR JOKE BACK.
This is the only moment of the trailer I genuinely enjoyed. Because it made me ponder the existence of stunt babies.
I'm actually hoping this starts a trend of ensemble films based on non-fiction books because I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THE JOY OF COOKING.
But wait, Elizabeth Banks is all put back together now! And not pregnant! So this means that scene at the beginning of the trailer... is from the end of the movie. Gah, trailer. SPOILER ALERT MUCH?
These breastfeeding jokes are downright TITILLATING!
I'm pretty sure I saw this commercial last night on the CW. But it wasn't for a movie, it was for tampons.
Trailer, I've had enough of your cheap tricks and flashy ways. You think you can just come in here and dazzle me with hot dudes and cliched jokes and I'm just gonna roll over and buy a ticket for this movie? FAT CHANCE! I am totally above your stereotypes, and I will NOT be moved by... WHOAH. WAIT. HOLD THE PHONE. IT'S ALCIDE! AND HE'S SHIRTLESS.
Hey guys, I just invented a new verb: Tyler Perry. To illustrate, I'll use it in a sentence:
"Chris Rock is totally Tyler Perrying this scene."
And thus concludes my lab report. What say you, fellow scientists? Also, does anyone have a flask of liquor I can pour into this beaker because I NEED A DRINK.