YOU GUYS. Revenge is HEATING UP. Except, not really, because summer is drawing to a close and everyone seems to be shivering. YOU GUYS. Revenge is COOLING DOWN IN A HOT WAY.
This week, all of TRAC!'s machinations came crumbling down as several people ended up as collatoral damage in her plot for revenge. Let's see what trouble she caused last night!
Most Awesome Rich Person Outfit: I think I'm going to reward this one to Victoria. Yes, she always wears the same damn dress, but she looks GOOD in that dress. Plus, the black scalloped edges of her dress in her last scene nearly distracted me from the fact that she was totally falsely crying rape to get out of her son hating her. Well played, dress. Well played.
Funniest Amanda FACE: Oh, without a doubt, her FACE at the very end when she decides her plot for revenge is back on. OH NO YOU DIDN'T JUST SAY MY DADDY IS A RAPIST! I KILL YOU! I KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY! I DRINK ALL THEIR MILKSHAKES!
Person Revenge is Exacted Upon: Everyone's collatoral damage in this episode. Poor Jack gets a concussion and a broken heart, Charlotte gets kicked out of the house by her non-Dad for seemingly no reason, TRET! has to leave her newfound life as a townie and even TRAC! has to wear an ugly ring. It's all so sad.
Daniel vs Jack: You know, I should award this to Daniel, considering Jack basically got shat upon and probably has several broken ribs, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but DANIEL GRAYSON I JUST CANNOT EVEN. FIRST OF ALL, you totally buy your awful mother's sobfest about being raped, and THEN you immediately go tell your girlfriend that your mother was raped? I mean, a little bit of privacy, please? And your proposal was SO FUCKING CHEESY. A string quartet? Who DOES that? Ugh. Also that ring is obnoxiously big, and you are stupid, and I hate you. What is up with awful proposals on tv this week? I mean, I guess you didn't inappropriately involve your students and then plan a proposal that included synchronized swimmers, a shitty song and you in a white tux and tails. It could be worse, Daniel. At least you aren't Will Schuster.
I don't think your lady's supposed to have a sex face after proposing.
Number of Botox Shots that Madeleine Stowe Has Had This Week: Girl, please. If she didn't have a Botox assistant ON SET during half of her scenes with Conrad, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
Everyone is mixing and matching these days, so instead of dividing this recap the way I usually do, I'm just going to hit all the major plot points!
Hey! How's that divorce going? At first it seems that Victoria is going to triumph. Daniel lets her and Skeezy Lawyer know that the SEC is sniffing around Grayson Corp. Man! This is just like Arrested Development! If only Buster Bluth were here. Well, he might be, actually. He's probably hiding behind a column. You can always tell a Milford man.
Skeezy Lawyer is not Bob Loblaw, Atty at Law.
But then, a twist! While Conrad is eating breakfast with Charlotte and Declan,just as he's telling Dec that he'll pay for next year's tuition at Charlotte's fancy prep school, provided Declan can pass the entrance exam, he receives a video on a flash drive with a note telling him to open it in private. Who is it from! What does it contain!
What it contains is one of Mason's taped interviews - the one in which David Clarke tells Mason that Charlotte is his daughter. This gives Conrad all the leverage he needs over Victoria - either she settles for the tiny amount of alimony he deigns to give her, or he goes to trial and everyone will know that Charlotte is the daughter of Terrorist David Clarke. Ashley overhears this information, and seems to be a bit disillusioned with working for Victoria now.
And indeed, Charlotte IS the daughter of David Clarke, as The World's Fastest DNA Test Ever reveals. Conrad kicks Charlotte out (without telling her why) and says she has to live with her mother now. Poor Charlotte is legitimately heartbroken. Man, I don't even LIKE Charlotte and I feel bad for her.
Hey, TRAC! Who are you dicking around this week? Ugh, TRAC! is the worst. She did indeed plant TRET!'s zippo at Mason's house and, after copying all of the tapes of David Clarke's interview, planted the tapes under Jack and TRET!'s bed in the Stowaway. She even steals evidence that Jack and TRET! were in Atlantic City - a dopey, in-love note written on Caesars Palace stationary. Oh, TRAC!.
"in ur bar, stealing ur alibi"
TRAC! plants a bug in TRET!'s ear that Mason's house burned down and that Victoria is probably looking to blame her. Look out for yourself, TRET! TRET! is confident that she can handle Victoria.
And, indeed, Victoria invites TRET! to tea. How civilized. They verbally joust with each other - "What do you remember of my relationship with your father?" "What do YOU remember of YOUR relationship with my father?" - but the upshot is that Victoria thinks TRET! is an imposter!! She orders her lawyer to send her DNA (from a spoon) to test it against Charlotte's!
TRET!, you're fake allergic to those strawberries!
Back at the Stowaway, TRET! is complaining about Victoria's campaign of hate, and glumly says she should have listened to TRAC! Jack is all, "What's TRAC! got to do, got to do with it? What's TRAC! but a second-hand emotion?" Nolan, who is there drinking, tells TRET! to shut up and keep Jack out of it. Nolan does not want Jack to get hurt! He loves Jack and wants to deliver chaste ABC Family homosexual kisses on his face!
Later at the Stowaway, a douchey guy hits on TRET!, but she declines his many suave amorous offers, citing that she lives upstairs with her boyfriend. She should have lied and said she was a lesbian that lived in a nudist colony, like I do, because next thing you know, that guy is upstairs, rooting around in TRET!'s stuff, and finding all the Mason Treadwell tapes. Jack interrupts him during his search, which earns Jack a severe pummeling. Poor Jack!
Jack's concussion and broken ribs do for TRET! what weeks of pleading or outright manipulation from TRAC! could not - she agrees to leave town, because she doesn't want him to be hurt. Buh-bye, TRET!
Oh! But!! The Incredibly Fast DNA Results come back and Victoria's skeezy lawyer tells her that TRET! and Charlotte . . . are definitely sisters. WHAAAAA? TRET! is David Clarke's daughter? HOW MANY PEOPLE DID THAT MAN SPAWN?
But, wait! No! It turns out that Skeezy Lawyer is WORKING WITH TRAC! Bwa?? In flashback, we see the rest of the scene in which Young Bitter Black-Haired Amanda confronts the lawyer about her dad's case. He believed in David's innocence! But David knew he was being set up and framed, and didn't want Amanda to get hurt. So he refused to appeal to keep her safe! Skeezy Lawyer's been working for TRAC!'s side all along! But now he wants out - the attack on Jack went too far, and besides, Victoria's a shitty client who won't have any money to pay him. He advises TRAC! to rethink her strategy.
Congratulations, How Wonderful: Daniel proposes to TRAC! I'm not going to waste a lot of time discussing this, because I prefer to think it never happened. I mean, at least a Jumbotron wasn't involved. That's something. Sometimes I think I'm the most unromantic human being alive. Why do people go through this much trouble to propose? Blah, sorry. I guess I'm cranky. Also I hate Daniel, so that has a lot to do with it.
TRAC! accepts, of course, selling her nervous-but-excited FACE awesomely. Daniel gives her a very big ring. It is ugly in the way that only very expensive things can be ugly. Like how cheap cocktail rings made of fake stones are fun and funky but if you think that someone actually paid more than 30 bucks for it, it immediately becomes the fugliest thing in the world.
Let's Spend A Minute Making TRAC! Feel Guilty: Nolan, always the best man for the job, tells TRAC! that yet again, she's being a doucheball. "Jack's blood is on your hands!" You just DO NOT MESS with Nolan's friends, y'all. Particularly the friends he paid for.
That scolding, combined with Charlotte's tearful confusion of having been kicked out and then joyful celebration of TRAC!'s engagement to Daniel - "I've always wanted a sister!" - lead TRAC! to decide to seek her revenge on Victoria in another way. Too many innocent people are getting hurt! She's going to politely postpone her wedding with Daniel and work out another way to take Victoria down without hurting everyone else.
Hilariously, Nolan tries to put his arm around TRAC! in supportive friendship and TRAC! snaps, "don't do that!" sarcastically. Oh! I wish this show were only filled with scenes of Nolan and TRAC! making up. They do it so well!
Oh, SNAP! What's that?! Just as TRAC! is getting ready to loosen Daniel from her revenge plot, he tells her that Charlotte's his half-sister, as Victoria was "raped by that monster who used to live in your house." OH SHIZZ SON. Now TRAC! wants a June wedding. Get 'em, TRAC!
Have you noticed how often victoria is wearing lingerie-like clothes around her son? I'm going to rename her Corrine (Foxworth Dollanganger).
Well, friends and neighbors! Things are definitely heating up! But it needs to come to a head soon, right? Now that Daniel and TRAC! are finally engaged, maybe the engagement party can happen soon! And we can figure out WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING AND WHY JACK HAS BEEN SHOT!