Hey y'all! Welcome to the second installment of our Sense and Sensibility Readalong, in which we take Jane Austen's beloved characters and warp them for our own amusement while wishing we were as poor as the Dashwoods, because then we could be eating scones and painting mediocre landscapes instead of sitting in an office, nursing a cup of coffee and wondering why six mimosas at brunch yesterday sounded like a good idea.
Last week, Meghan skillfully covered Chapters 1-5, Housewives style, and so today, I bring you another reality TV dose of the drama, romance and scandal only afforded to people who've never done a day's work in their lives. (Otherwise known as Chapters 6-10.)
Next week on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition!
[Camera pans a large stone house set against the beautiful English countryside]
MRS. DASHWOOD: Barton Cottage? More like Barton TRAILER PARK. How can my girls and I be expected to move into this shizzhole? Hello, it only has FOUR BEDROOMS. And look at the shutters! They're not even painted GREEN. HOW WILL WE SURVIVE? God, we need a miracle, and by miracle, I mean a massive addition of parlors so we can actually host parties like respectable people. TY PENNINGTON, WHERE ARE YOU? Also, are you single? Because I happen to have two very eligible daughters...
And now, back to the season premiere of THE BACHELORETTE!
SIR JOHN MIDDLETON: Hello there! Welcome back to the show! We're off to a fantastic start with our bachelorette, Marianne Dashwood. She looks like quite a heart breaker, am I right, hon?
LADY MIDDLETON: What? Honestly, I don't give a rat's ass. I'm late for my appearance with the kids on Toddlers & Tiaras. Shoot your own dinner!
MRS. JENNINGS: Son, I couldn't agree with you more. She's got a gorgeous face, a smokin' hot bod and I bet she's a wildcat in the bedroom!
ELINOR: Wow, that is... really inappropriate. You realize the cameras are rolling, right?
SIR JOHN MIDDLETON: Let's meet our first bachelor. He's a little on the old side, clocking in at 35--
MARIANNE: GROSS.
SIR JOHN MIDDLETON: But he's most definitely a gentleman. Marianne, say hello to Colonel Brandon!
MARIANNE: Hi.
COLONEL BRANDON: Hello. I must say, you play the pianoforte beautifully.
MARIANNE: That's sweet. It's good to know that old people like you can still find something to appreciate in life.
MRS. JENNINGS: Oh my, did you SEE those sparks fly?! Colonel Brandon is totally in love with Marianne! Let's see if she feels the same way. Elinor, get the scoop!
* Interview Room *
MARIANNE: I mean, he's nice... for a grandpa.
ELINOR: He's not old! He's five years younger than Mom!
MARIANNE: Yeah, I know. THAT'S CREEPY.
ELINOR: Ok, well, maybe I shouldn't have put it like that. We live in weird times! Mom had us when she was like twelve or something. And anyway, Colonel Brandon is a good guy! Plus he's rich.
MARIANNE: Good for him, because I hear Viagra is expensive.
* Back to the hosts *
MRS. JENNINGS: Ha ha ho, looks like Colonel Brandon needs to call a plumber to make sure his pipes are working!
SIR JOHN MIDDLETON: Har har har, good one, Mother! Now, to meet the next bachelor, we've sent Marianne and her sister Margaret on a little walk.
MRS. JENNINGS: And it looks like rain! Wet t-shirt contest, anyone?
* Countryside *
[Marianne and Margaret are walking hurriedly through a storm]
MARGARET: Why am I even ON this show? I could be kicking the crap out of an adult on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?.
MARIANNE: Zip it, Margaret. I'm trying to focus on walking in these stilettos because they make my calves look amazing! [Suddenly trips and falls] FUUUUUU--
WILLOUGHBY: Hey girl, need a hand?
MARIANNE: GOD YES, YOU MAGNIFICENT PIECE OF MAN MEAT.
WILLOUGHBY: Girl, let me pick you up and take you home.
MARIANNE: TAKE ME HERE NOW. IN THIS FIELD. Margaret, avert your eyes.
* Interview Room *
SIR JOHN MIDDLETON: So, Marianne, I sense an attraction between you and Willoughby.
MARIANNE: Attraction?! What we have is a BURNING FORCE OF PASSIONATE LOVE. I'm ready to give him my final rose RIGHT NOW.
SIR JOHN MIDDLETON: Er, well, we still have to film several more episodes of the show before you can do that.
MARIANNE: FINE. Tell me more about him, then.
SIR JOHN MIDDLETON: Certainly! He enjoys the outdoors, he likes to post photos of his awesome dog on Facebook, and--
MARIANNE: Right ok but seriously HOW HOT IS HE. HE IS SO HOT.
SIR JOHN MIDDLETON: And he enjoys a good party! He once danced non-stop from 8PM until 4AM without any breaks. That's an incredible amount of coke!
MARIANNE: OMG! I love to party too! WE ARE SOUL MATES.
* Confessional *
ELINOR: I wish Marianne would give Colonel Brandon a chance. I mean, I like Willoughby fine, but we don't know much about him. And Marianne is so freaking impulsive about everything. Like, have you seen her tattoo? Of a Shakespearean sonnet? On her ass?
* Confessional *
MARIANNE: Willoughby is totally THE MAN OF MY DREAMS. He's, like, the Romeo to my Juliet. The Edward to my Bella.
* Confessional *
WILLOUGHBY: It's cool, because we both love, like, poetry and shit. It's just like this deep connection, you know? Plus she's got a killer voice. We are going to SO kick ass at open mic karaoke next Wednesday! Oh, but don't tell Colonel Brandon about it, ok? That dude is LAME.
* Confessional *
COLONEL BRANDON: You guys know Alan Rickman played me in the movie version, right? Just sayin'.
Stay tuned for next week's episode to find out which bachelor will win Marianne's heart!
MARIANNE: SERIOUSLY? Duh. Can we just get to the wedding party now? SHOTS SHOTS SH-SH-SH-SHOTS!
About the Author: Sarah lives in Austin, TX, where she programs films at the Alamo Drafthouse. Sarah enjoys fancy cocktails, dance parties and anything that sparkles (except vampires).
