WHAT UP Y'ALL. I just drank two shots of espresso to insure that I have enough brain energy to analyze everything that happened in last night's episode of Ringer. Which, in true CW form, consisted of some vaguely forboding hints, an awesome FACEPUNCH and a whole lot of anti-climatic moments. But before we get into this recap, let's take a moment to celebrate the fact that RINGER IS BACK! And we'll finally figure some shizz out! Just kidding, that will never happen.
So, I decided to change some things up with our Ringer recaps. Instead of going through and describing every scene in this episode, I'm condensing all of the insane details into one gigantic (organized) clustercuss of cray. Sorta like how you would recount rumors in high school, i.e. ONLY THE GOOD STUFF. So let's start gossiping!
The end! Will Siobhan tell Henry the truth?!!! Although honestly, the real cliffhanger here is DOES ANYONE IN AMERICA CARE ABOUT THESE TWO PEOPLE? Because I certainly don't.
After a weird Norman Bates shower scene, the episode flashes back to two days before. The technical term for this technique is "pulling a JJ Abrams."
Between Sibohan's frumpy trenchcoat and Bridget's red blouse with a bedazzled collar, the show didn't give me much to work with. So I guess I'll pick Bridget's shimmery black fundraiser dress, because it had the benefit of being paired with some SMOKIN' HOT SILVER CHAIN EARRINGS. Forever 21, you best be working on a knock-off.
"Siobhan, I don't want to alarm you, but you seem to have misplaced your waist."
HEY NA NA SEXY EARRINGS!
Moments when you wish you were as rich as Andrew (Rich Envy): 7
One point for that DEE-VINE bathroom, one point for having a penthouse posh enough to host a fundraiser (and not care if guests steal any of yr shizz because YOU'RE RICH! YOU CAN REPLACE IT!) and five points total for all of the times Bridget flashed that hugeass diamond ring. Don't get me wrong-- I don't want that ring, I just want to be rich enough to AFFORD that diamond ring. Because, you guys, that ring is worth, like, a trillion cases of champ cans.
Moments you miss Buffy (Buffy RIP): 2
Look, although it was indeed awesome when Bridget-As-Siobhan (BS) punched Mr. Carpenter (Logan Echolls) in the face, you KNOW that if it had been Buffy, she would have taken that asshole DOWN to Chinatown. Or the Hellmouth, as it were. And it would have been reeeeally satisfying. Also, I threw in a point for missing Willow, because Juliet's friend is fine and all, but she just doesn't have those sweet Willow eyes (nor the taste for vengeance, which, again, would have been cool to see rain down on Logan Echolls' ass).
What the hell happened:
Siobhan is in New York! But Bridget has bangs now so we can tell them apart! THANKS SHOW!
BS meets a former friend of Siobhan's named Greer who gives her peonies which reminds BS of the envelope she saw at some point in the show that I can't remember but it had the word "pivoine" on it and that stands for PEONIES! SINISTER FLOWERS! BS tries to befriend Greer through working on the school auction, and Greer keeps saying vague shizz with dramatic emphasis like, "I never told anyone what I saw after THAT WEEKEND" and "You threatened me about what I saw THAT WEEKEND" and "Remember there were peonies ALL OVER that hotel... the HOTEL PIVOINE. IN BOSTON. I shall never darken its doorstep AGAIN after WHAT HAPPENED... THAT WEEKEND" Also, she totes knows about Siobhan & Henry's (Heinous) affair.
Heinous and Agent Richard from Lost both do not believe that Charlie shot himself after killing Gemma... using Bridget's gun. Agent Richard from Lost goes to the Hamptons and a sassy waitress tells him that she saw Siobhan and Charlie talking together. I really wish she had said "in cahoots" instead because that phrase is seriously underused in today's society. Also, note to self-- always tip a waitress well, or she might incriminate you in a murder investigation.
The boulder of a ring that Andrew gave BS doesn't fit her. She keeps taking it off. But then Siobhan steals it! Because she's in the penthouse! Because she's copying Andrew's computer files! Because she wants to find his company's financial records and prove that he's embezzling! Or something! Also, she sees BS and Andrew being all lovey dovey and she's totally grossed out and I'm like, look, lady, you're the one who wants to bone Heinous so you best not be judging.
FYI, Siobhan, it's not considered PDA if the couple THINKS THEY'RE ALONE.
Malcolm is a comp sci professor and can't find a job, so Andrew hires him to create PowerPoint charts for him. No really, that happened.
Siobhan finds Heinous on the street and is all I MISS YOU and YOU'RE AN AMAZING WRITER and I don't know what else because this scene really grossed me out so I got busy with the corkscrew. Oh but then she stands him up later because she's busying downloading documents at the penthouse. Then Heinous shows up at the fundraiser and is all I'M DONE WITH YOU to BS but THEN the next day Siobhan shows up at his place and he tells her "It's like you're two different people" and the life expectancy of this show is totally based on the stupidity of the characters, isn't it? ISN'T IT?!!!!
Tyler calls Siobhan from Paris because apparently he still really really wants to be on this show. And also to remind us all that we could be living in Paris and eating fresh croissants all day but WE'RE NOT.
Andrew and BS host a fundraiser for Juliet's school at their posh penthouse, and of course Juliet freaks out because Logan Echolls will be there, and he raped her right before winter break. So, to deal with her anxiety, she decides to dress like this:
"I will conquer my enemy, just as a trapeze artist conquers the tightrope."
Juliet starts drinking to cope with the situation (understandable), and then she drunkenly yells catty comments at Logan Echolls and makes a scene, which prompts BS to find out what really happened in a really sweet stepmother-daughter moment. And then BS punches Logan Echolls in the face because that is the only appropriate action and IT IS AWESOME! But Juliet gets upset, because now everyone knows her business, and Andrew beats himself up for caring too much about PowerPoint charts that say "$212 Million" instead of his own daughter's well-being. BS reassures him that they will get through this as a family but this is a CW show so we know there is a 99% chance that won't happen.
So that's the dish! What do you guys think? What's gonna happen next? CAN YOU BELIEVE JULIET WORE THAT DRESS?