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Ringer 1x12: What Are You Doing Here, Ho-Bag?

A recap of Ringer 1x12: What Are You Doing Here, Ho-Bag?.

Ringer 1x12: What Are You Doing Here, Ho-Bag?

You guys! For once, stuff actually happened on RINGER! Like, action! And non-vague revelations! Well, ok, they were still kinda vague. But with this show, I'll take what I can get. Especially if Andrew's ex-wife is involved. So let's get down to business and analyze all of this dramz! And if you can answer any of my questions at the end, I'll send Solomon to pick you up and take you for a limo joyride.

Cliffhangers: 3

Note: I only consider moments to be cliffhangers if they actually make me say, "HOLD THE PHONE!" out loud. (As opposed to the writers, who consider any moment before a commercial break to be a cliffhanger.)

1.  Ex-wife appears!

2.  Tessa shows up and admits the truth about Logan Echolls!

3.  Siobhan tells Henry she's still pregnant with his baby! (This begs the question-- is there a word for a cliffhanger that makes you gag? Gaghanger? Cliffgagger?)

Flashbacks: 3

Y'all, I can't wait til the episode that consists ENTIRELY of flashbacks. Because it will be awesome. And also explain a lot.

1.  Bridget flashes back to meeting Tyler at dinner.

2.  Bridget flashes back to Siobhan's therapist telling her she usually uses "Cora Farrell" as her fake name.

3.  Bridget flashes back to Tyler's reference to Solomon as "her guy" after Ex-Wife brings up the word tricks she and Andrew used to play.

Fave Outfit:

When it came to fashion, this episode gave us NOTHING. NOTHING! I guess the script hogged all of the drama, because there was not one single outfit that accelerated my heart rate. It was all jackets and coats and grays and browns and more jackets. Juliet, what happened to yr circus performer aspirations? Bridget-as-Siobhan, don't you have another rich people formal to attend? THROW US A BONE HERE.

What is this, a show about poor people?

Moments when you wish you were as rich as Andrew (Rich Envy): 6

1.  Ex-wife's fancy clothes strewn on the floor with champers and a broken glass on the table. Because she's so rich, someone else will pick it up.

2.  Ex-wife in the bathtub, drinking wine, aka my dream evening routine.

3.  Mommy Juliet shopping day! I'm so poor, I can't even tell you what the third B stands for after Bloomingdale's and Bergdorf's.

4.  Fancy restaurant! I want to try the gnocchi!

5.  Juliet's awesome bedroom with a window seat. Raise yr hand if you wanted a window seat as a kid. Or, you know, now.

6.  Siobhan's posh pad bedroom/massive closet. We've seen it before, but a closet that size never gets old.

Moments you miss Buffy (Buffy RIP): 1

So, there was definitely a glimmer of Buffy in SMG's eyes when she faced off with the Ex-Wife. But while I enjoyed Bridget finally letting her beyotch flag fly, there was a part of me that just wanted Buffy to facepunch the living daylights out of Ex-Wife, watch her go down, then flip her hair and say, "Oops! My bad!"

I also decided to create a new category that is looooong overdue:

Number of times people have to remind Bridget/Siobhan that something happened and explain it in extreme detail without being suspicious at all that Bridget/Siobhan doesn't remember: 23

I won't bore you with a list of those moments because I'm sure you, like me, noticed all of them, rolled your eyes and said to the TV, "REALLY? REALLY?" Also, I highly doubt this score will ever dip below 20.

What the hell happened: In which I summarize the episode not in order of events, but in order of things making sense. Maybe.

First of all, if you're looking for Malcolm, don't bother. He's hanging out with his cousin! Also, I found out via the Fug Girls that the actress who plays Juliet is the daughter of Lea Thompson! I wish that made me like her character more but... it doesn't.

Also, Bridget doesn't have bangs anymore. HOW WILL WE TELL THE TWINS APART?

Is this Siobhan or Bridget? More importantly, why would either of them wear this outfit?

Bridget-as-Siobhan (BS) and Juliet arrive home to discover that Juliet's mom and Andrew's ex-wife, Catherine (Ex-Wife), is back, having a party of one in the bathtub. (Fun fact: Catherine is played by Andrew Roth, who appeared on the TV series Robocop. YES THERE WAS A TV SERIES.) Oh and she's also there to comfort Juliet since she got raped by Logan Echolls. Andrew tells BS that she hated Ex-Wife in the past, but BS says, hey, people can change! Especially when they're being impersonated by their twin sister! Ex-Wife whisks Juliet away on a Mother Daughter Shopping Spree, but all too quickly, she lives up to Andrew's warning and shows her true colors: she's an alcoholic beyotch who likes to yell mean things at people. In other words, she BRINGS THE FUN.

Juliet's principal (Tara's batshizz mom on True Blood!) shows up with a video tape that will make it difficult for Andrew to build a case against Logan Echolls. Like the sensitive dad he is, Andrew decides to watch the tape in front of Juliet. Who wants popcorn?! The tape shows Juliet throwing Logan Echolls against the locker! Damn, that move just made me miss Veronica Mars. Ex-Wife loses her shizz and starts calling Juliet a liar and a slut, even though Juliet still insists that Logan Echolls raped her. When BS tries to step in to help, Ex-Wife yells at her and an AWESOME CATFIGHT ENSUES. This is now my favorite episode. It's great to see Bridget show some backbone, but then lame-o Andrew decides to interrupt the catfight with some ACTING and a reminder that this is all about Juliet. No, it isn't, Andrew. IT'S ABOUT AWESOME CATFIGHTS.

Meanwhile! Siobhan tells Henry (Heinous) that she ended the relationship to protect both of them, and that she still loves him. He's having a hard time believing her because seriously, WHO WOULD LOVE THIS GUY? Eventually, Heinous' ego gets the better of him, and he notices that Siobhan is wearing the scarf she gave him, and then they start making out and I REALLY wish I hadn't been swallowing a sip of wine at that moment because I would have preferred for it to stay down. Fortunately, Siobhan breaks off the kiss, says she's overwhelmed and asks him to meet her at "their place" in the Village tomorrow.

Siobhan then calls Tyler (Baby Daddy) and tells him she has Andrew's company financials. Baby Daddy wants his assistant to buy her a plane ticket back to Paris ASAP, but Siobhan says, "I'm pregnant, not incapable," and I have a moment where I actually maybe kinda like her! She heads to a pawn shop and sells Bridget-as-Siobhan's diamond ring for less than what it's worth because the pawn shop owner is pretending he's an honest dude. Once she has the cash, S calls a bookie-looking guy (Solomon? Eh? I'll call him New York Cliche) and meets him in an alley (REALLY?) so she can buy a fake passport from him. Except it has the name "Cora Farrell" on it, which is like, SO FIVE MINUTES AGO. Siobhan wants it to say "Rebecca Sheldrake" instead. So of course New York Cliche tears the passport in half and leaves it FACE UP ON TOP OF THE FULL GARBAGE CAN because that's what a practiced criminal would do.

Heinous is skulking in the doorway and grabs the torn passport, then confronts Siobhan about it at their fancy restaurant date, where the camera zooms in on wine-pouring. Way to know yr audience, show! Heinous drops a bomb on Siobhan-- he knows she's Bridget! Oh, Heinous. You're so close and yet... such a tool. And guess who he invited to their date? It's Agent Richard from Lost!

Agent Richard from Lost takes Siobhan to the police station and fingerprinting. Yes! Science will reveal the truth! Aaaand... she's not Bridget. She's Siobhan. She tells Agent Richard from Lost that she hired John Delario as a PI to investigate Bridget, which is why they were seen together in the Hamptons. Agent Richard from Lost is really having a tough time of it, because Bad Cop (his former partner) is in prison but won't spill the beans about Ugly Face (Bodaway Macawi). Come on, Agent Richard from Lost! At least yr new partner is totes handsome! Also, have you thought about running the name "Cora Farrell" through your system? Just a thought. Later, Agent Handsome calls Richard and tells him that Bad Cop confessed to the murder of the two dancer ladies! Except Agent Richard from Lost is sure that Bad Cop is taking the fall for Ugly Face. And he would be right! Bad Cop talks to Ugly Face through the prison telephones (which, is it just me, or is it weird that those haven't been replaced by technology created, I dunno, some time after 1990?) and tells him that if he springs him out of prison, he'll help Ugly Face find Bridget.

Bridget is still obsessed with the Hotel Pivoine in Paris. She calls and finds out they have no record of her (Siobhan) staying there, but they have recently hosted Cora Farrell. Unfortunately, BS can't find more information than that because this hotel actually understands privacy laws. Fortunately, BS can call Andrew's assistant, who doesn't share the same sense of discretion. The assistant tells BS that she's never been to Paris with Andrew, but he's heading there soon to meet with Baby Daddy Tyler. BS calls Tyler, who doesn't question her vagueness AT ALL and asks if she got in touch with "her guy Solomon." BS hangs up on Tyler, so he calls her back on her cell and reaches Siobhan, who's all, "I didn't call you!" Siobhan. WOMAN. Is this your first rodeo?

Andrew confronts BS about the ring being stolen, and she admits she lied because she couldn't find it and totally panicked. And Andrew totally forgives her even though the ring is worth like A MILLION DOLLARS because he loooooves her. Oh, rich people.

BS checks on Juliet and shares a "touching" vignette about how her own mother torched BS's fave pair of cowboy boots to get back at her dad. Their bonding moment is ruined for me when Juliet jokes about how only white trash people own cowboy boots. OH HAAAAIL NAH. I did NOT just hear those words come out of the mouth of someone who wore a circus corset as a dress to a charity fundraiser for her school.

Andrew isn't sure what to believe about Juliet, and BS apologizes for the catfight (LAME). Andrew surprises her with the ring-- he got it back!-- and the installation of a new security system. I'm assuming this will lead to a major plot point/cliffhanger/SHOCKING REVELATION later. Meanwhile, Ex-Wife is calmly holding a funeral for Juliet by burning her childhood photos, because her daughter is now dead to her. I LOVE THIS WOMAN.

I find it hard to believe that any bottle of champers goes unpopped with Ex-Wife around.

Andrew goes insane in the membrane on Ex-Wife's ass and kicks her out of the posh pad, then makes it rain on her in the elevator. Man, if I had a dollar for every time someone threw money at me to show their anger...

Later, Ex-Wife shows up to get her luggage and say good-bye to Juliet, but BS is the only one there. Ex-Wife goes off about how Andrew cheated on her with Siobhan, and she conveniently mentions the word tricks they used to play (mixing up letters of places for their trysts) so that BS figures out how to find Solomon's info in Siobhan's planner. She calls his number, and wait, so this isn't New York Cliche from the alley? Nope, it's a smokin' hot black dude driving a limo! BS told him she wanted the usual, so he's all, "Did you bring yr gun?" BS nervously says she meant the other usual, and wow, she's lucky that there is an "other" usual. It's a trip to the airport! And last time Solomon took her there, she went to Wyoming! WHAT WHAT! BS tells him she wants to go back home, which doesn't seem weird AT ALL.

Siobhan shows up at Heinous' house and insists that she can explain what happened. Also, where are the ginger kids? DOES ANYONE CARE ABOUT THE GINGERS? Siobhan takes him to the posh pad building, and Heinous sees BS get out of the limo! WHOAH! And THEN Siobhan tells him that she's still pregnant with this child! GROSS!

Up at the posh pad, a girl named Tessa shows up... is this the "bad" girl from Juliet's school? Yes, ok, it is. And guess what! She got raped by Logan Echolls too! Oh shizz. I really hope Logan can call Veronica to get him out of this jam.

END SCENE!

So, what did you guys think? Are Juliet and Tessa telling the truth? Why was Siobhan in Wyoming, spying on Bridget? Where did the name Rebecca Sheldrake come from? Why is Tyler Baby Daddy on this show? Will Agent Handsome make another appearance? And will we really have to see Heinous and Siobhan make out more because I don't think my stomach can take it.

Categories: Tubin' Tags: cwringer
Posh Deluxe's photo About the Author: Sarah lives in Austin, TX, where she programs films at the Alamo Drafthouse. Sarah enjoys fancy cocktails, dance parties and anything that sparkles (except vampires).