What up, my witches! It's time to analyze the magic show that rarely features magic, The Secret Circle! Last week, some vague shizz happened, and this week, guess what! More vague shizz happened! And I yelled at Adam a lot! I should try to keep track of how many times I yell, "SHUT YR SMURF FACE, ADAM!" and "ADAM, PLEASE DIE!" but that would necessitate me putting down my wine, and I reeeally can't afford to do that with this show. Maybe there's a spell I can cast to help me keep track? Wait, better yet, maybe there's a spell that can make Adam DISAPPEAR?!! Hmm, sounds like I need to do some research. But first, the recap!
Cassie is moving out of Diana's house! Because she's kissing her ex-boyfriend! Oh wait, no, it's because the writers remembered that she has grandmother! Right, right. Harry Hamlin Lite (HHL) walks in with a new haircut (definitely an improvement) and some college catalogs to remind us that these characters are supposed to be in high school. HHL gets all weird about Cassie's grandma's (known as Teen Grandma) return and mentions that Cassie has a new job at a coffee shop. OooOOoh maybe ACTUALLY HOT guys will work there too! Diana makes a joke about all of the men in her life loving Cassie, and I'm kinda digging this sassy new version of her. Do more drugs, Diana!
Cassie returns home to find the door ajar. She walks in and grabs an umbrella to defend herself... against Jake! Jake, it's so good to see yr face so early in this episode. Also, why doesn't Cassie just use her DARK MAGIC to defend herself? Anyway, Jake's there to help, and they find a ring of ash and salt around the house, which means the witch hunters have arrived! Good! I hope they kill Adam first.
Jake explains to Cassie that Isaac wanted the medallion and was furious that she broke it. He offers to stay with her at the house, but she refuses because SHE IS STUPID. Cassie, if a hot boy asks if he can stay over, YOU SAY YES. Then she remembers that she has DARK MAGIC and gives him a taste of it by... shooting air out of the umbrella? What? God, Cassie, YOU ARE THE LAMEST.
Over at the coffee shop (what are we calling this place? Witch's Brew?), Cassie demonstrates that she has no waitressing ability whatsoever, and then Adam gives her detailed instructions because he can't help his need to control all women around him. She tells him that she thinks witch hunters were at her house and admits that she lied to Diana about her grandmother being back. Oh, and here I thought the writers were actually trying to get back to a realistic portrayal of a guardian's responsibilities! Adam, of course, insists on staying over with her because HE IS AN ASSHOLE I HATE HIM SO MUCH.
Faye and Melissa are also at Witch's Brew, making this the official new hangout of the show. It's no Bronze, but it's better than the Boathouse Grill. Melissa tells Faye to get over Jake, and then Callum (Sketchy Drug Dealer) comes in and invites them to a party at his place. Melissa is sadly still into him, even though she almost overdosed on Devil's Spirit. You guys, it was really hard to type that last sentence.
At the house, Cassie is on the phone with Teen Grandma because the writers are apparently reading this recap as I write it and realize that they need to throw us a bone. A man appears at the door, and it opens to reveal... JOHN BLACKWELL! He's... not as impressive looking as I had hoped. In fact, he kinda looks like a Poor Man's Daniel Craig.
"The name's Blackwell. John Blackwell."
Cassie immediately turns into a huge brat about how he hasn't been around, even though she's been OBSESSED with finding him for the last few episodes. I'm pretty sure that if I saw my dad for the first time EVER, my first reaction wouldn't be to sass him. I think it'd be more like, "WHAT OMG WHAT WHAT WHAAAAAT. P.S. ARE YOU EVIL?" He offers to explain why he's pretended to be dead, and Cassie tries to kick him out. He asks her to meet him at the boardwalk in an hour and begs her not to tell anyone about his presence, because it will endanger them.
Adam shows up and asks her to a movie, and she tells him that her father was there because SHE IS AN IDIOT. Adam tells Cassie that it's her decision whether she wants to meet up with her dad or not and-- JUST KIDDING. Adam would would never respect a woman's independence! He forces her to take him along, obviously.
Diana calls Faye because Melissa is MIA, and Faye tells her that she's at the Sketchy Drug Dealer's house. The two gals head to Lee's (Voodoo Cat Hat Brian (VCHB)) to get the drug dealer's address, and Diana doesn't remember kissing him. Which is a shame, because I have no doubt that he is a WAY better kisser than Adam. VCHB insists on accompanying them because Sketchy Drug Dealer is into DARK VOODOO. I really hope he and Cassie face off one day in a DARK MAGIC DUEL.
At the boardwalk, Cassie meets Blackwell, and he tells her again that he had to disappear to keep her and her mom safe. She tells him that she loved her mother, and oh yeah, it wasn't that long ago that her mother died, was it? Funny how the show never brings up a totally crucial character-building plot point. The convo heads into deadbeat dad after school special territory until Blackwell asks her for the medallion, then Cassie loses her shizz! But wait, the medallion is broken and therefore worthless now, right? Or can it be put back together? In other news, I don't care.
Cassie gets in the car, and the black witch hunter (?) with the messed up face (Scarface) kidnaps her and takes her unconscious body to a factory for "the ceremony." Cut to the Sketchy Drug Dealer's party, which is hands down the MOST AWESOMELY BAD THING I HAVE SEEN ON THIS SHOW (and that's saying a lot). I'm guessing when the set designers were told to make it look "like a scary voodoo party" they heard "day glo hipsters with Mardi Gras beads."
I couldn't find a screen cap of the actual scene so I just Googled "day-glo party." Something tells me that the set designers did the exact same thing.
Melissa tells Sketchy Drug Dealer that she doesn't want Devil's Spirit but something else-- she'll know it when she sees it. Sketchy Drug Dealer immediately whips out a creepy voodoo doll stick thingie because nothing says aphrodisiac like some string and feathers on a stick! He does some voodoo magic and whoah, Melissa makes an O face! Dang! This really puts the OO in VOODOO.
Faye, Diana and VCHB arrive, but not before Melissa gives Sketchy Drug Dealer his own O face, and they head out of the room. Over at the Requisite LJ Smith House of Disrepair Set Far Away in the Woods, Blackwell is poking around when Jake discovers him. He admits that he's Cassie's father, and Jake tells him about the salt ash around the house and that he can't find her. Wait, why does everyone just automatically believe that he's actually Blackwell? I mean, shouldn't he have to provide some form of ID or something?
Jake finds Cassie and offers to hand Blackwell over to Scarface in exchange for Cassie. She wakes up and discovers that she can't use her powers due to the ring of salt ash around her chair. Scarface tells her that his plans have changed-- apparently, he knew Blackwell and wants to get back at him. He puts some kind of black drops in Cassie's eyes and throat and this is one of the few times when the show actually manages to freak me out because ever since I saw that laser eye surgery scene in Final Destination 5, I CANNOT HANDLE EYE TRAUMA.
Blackwell shows up and asks Adam where Cassie is. Drunk Bartender comes out and kinda freaks when he sees Blackwell. Understandable, since he's supposed to be dead. Blackwell leaves, and Drunk Bartender warns Adam to stay away from Blackwell but doesn't give him any specific reasons because this show REVELS in vagueness.
Face-off! Ok, actually, more like VAGUE-OFF!
Adam watches Blackwell walk outside to meet... Jake! Jake tells him that the witch hunters have her, and they drive away together. Adam calls Diana and asks for her help because he is the worst ex-boyfriend ever.
Over at the Voodoo Day Glo party, Sketchy Drug Dealer takes Melissa into a bedroom (?) and locks the gated door. Oh shizz. Are you telling me that Melissa will have to endure not one but TWO "important lessons" on this show? The "drug overdose" was bad enough but if girlfriend gets raped I WILL BUST SOME DEVIL'S SPIRIT ON THESE WRITERS' ASSES.
Sketchy Drug Dealer knows she's a witch, and she totally bluffs about being able to use magic so she can escape. GO MELISSA GO! Wish she'd been able to throw in a kick to the balls but I'll settle for her safety. She finds Faye and tells her that the creepy stick doll that VCHB gave her actually takes away her powers. Faye confronts VCHB, and he totally lies about it (Dude! We've seen you with yr girlfriend in a coma!), and she's all, "I can't believe I trusted you!" Well, Faye, since he's the second hottest guy on the show, I can believe it.
Jake takes Blackwell to a clearing in the forest, and Scarface appears with Cassie. He tells Jake that he changed the deal-- Blackwell gets Cassie, and he gets Jake. Jake agrees, because he loves Cassie! I can't really fathom why but JAKE I LOVE YOU TOO. Scarface commands Cassie to go to her father, and the black smoke in her eyeballs clears. So, what, she's like his puppet now? Is this one of those aliens from X-Files? Scarface puts Jake in iron handcuffs and tells him that Cassie will kill Blackwell. I try to feel shocked by this reveal but... I just need more wine.
Back at the Voodoo Day Glo Party, Sketchy Drug Dealer informs VCHB that he knows about the girls' witchy-ness, and VCHB shoves him against the wall because that's what manly dudes do! It's tough to tell at this point whether VCHB is just hanging with Faye to help his girlfriend in a coma or if he actually cares about her.
In the woods, Cassie starts putting together some branches or something but has no idea why she's doing it. So, basically, the magic is the equivalent of your childhood friend's older brother. STOP HITTING YOURSELF, CASSIE! STOP HITTING YOURSELF! She points the stick at him, and he falls down. She can't seem to fight it, and Blackwell refuses to hurt her. Wow, this is really not that exciting. A ring of fire erupts and... yep, still not exciting.
Scarface is about to kill Jake (Just like he killed his father! Dang, that's cold!) when Scarface is flung against a tree and impaled on a branch by... THE SECRET CIRCLE! FINALLY USING THEIR MAGIC. THANK YOU. Adam says, "You're welcome" and I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU, SMURF FACE. They look up and uh-oh, Scarface is gone!
The Secret Circle finds Cassie and tries to use their magic to help her. It's not working because Cassie needs to FOCUS ON THE SPELL. It's v. important to FOCUS ON THE SPELL. The fire goes down, and Cassie rushes to Blackwell, who seems no worse for the wear. I mean, he'll never look like the real Daniel Craig, but at least he's alive.
At the Requisite LJ Smith House of Disrepair Set Far Away in the Woods, the Secret Circle isn't sure whether it was a good or bad thing to save Blackwell. He and Cassie are back at the house, and she asks him how he lost his magic. He tells her that the Elders stripped the parents' generation of their powers, and it affected him as well. He tells her that he's changed, and she admits that the medallion is gone. He tells her now he has to stay, because she can't protect herself. Cassie suspects that Scarface was working with a witch (thus, his BLACK MAGIC EYE DROPS).
Faye returns to her bedroom to find VCHB looking fooooine as usual. He wants to prove to her that he's not trying to trick her, so he breaks the voodoo doll stick, and it falls dramatically to the floor while they kiss! And even a gratuitous shot of a freaky voodoo doll head can't distract me from enjoying two actually hot people kissing on this show. Man, Faye gets all of the action! But... oh shizz, girlfriend in a coma wakes up!
Speaking of hot, Jake gets a visit from Blackwell, who tells him they have to work together to keep her safe. Because obvs Cassie, the only person who can use magic by herself, totally needs two manly men to take care of her. Oh wait, maybe she does, because she shows up at the Boathouse Grill to cuddle with Adam, indicating that she is INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE AND TOTALLY NEEDS HELP. Ugh, you guys. UGH.
And that's a wrap! According to the trailer, this is all of The Secret Circle we'll get until March 15th. Um, I'm pretty sure we'll survive.
So, what do you guys think? Is Blackwell actually good? Is VCHB actually falling for Faye? Will Adam ever die? Will any of us actually ever care about this show?
Next episode: "Lucky"