What up, Party People! Let's talk about Revenge! No, don't panic! It didn't air last night. This is actually last week's HELLA INSANE episode! See, I had a giant paper/presentation due on Thursday of last week (for actual work), and as much as I wanted to stay up and recap Revenge, I had to put the actual money-making business first. I know; I know. I'm very ashamed.
But OBVS I'm not going to miss talking about this crazy ep! So if you've been dying to talk about it all week OR you missed it and are kicking yourself OR you've actually sort of forgotten everything that went down, step inside! WHO IS DEAD?
Most Awesome Rich Person Outfit: I don't know that I really had a favorite, mostly because I'm not a huge fan of red evening dresses. It just seems like something that people wear when they're having to go to prom while on their period. So I'm going to award Nolan's snazzy red dinner jacket, if only for the fact that he didn't blend with all the other guys in their stuffy white tux jackets. And for the fact that he's Nolan. His natural Nolan-ness cannot be discounted. He's a snazzy blonde dream machine.
"Hey girl, dig my fancy dinner jacket? I'm on your team!"
Person Revenge is Exacted Upon: Ultimately? Tyler. Though by absolutely no person's design, except for the showrunners who decided they'd fuck with the viewers and take away the crazy. WE NEED THE CRAZY! Y U NO LET US KEEP THE CRAZY?
Daniel vs Jack: I'd say that Jack totally wins this round, because he isn't in danger of being shot, almost gets a trip to Haiti out of the deal, and gets a small amount of time macking on TRET! That said, HE GIVES AWAY HIS DOG. Yeah, sure, Sammy is, in fact, immortal and will therefore never die, but still. YOU NEVER GIVE AWAY YOUR DOG.
Then again, he isn't almost shot and will not be accused of murder anytime soon, so.
Number of Botox Shots that Madeleine Stowe Has Had This Week: 415. That, plus flattering lighting, is what gives poor Madeline the strength to go on. They give this woman so much crap to deal with: affairs coming to light, children who hate her, being dumped by CONRAD, of all people . . . is it any wonder her face has frozen into a permanent state of smug superiority?
"I have so many feelings! That I cannot express with my face!"
Let's Talk About Jack, Baby: Jack is still super gloomy that his skanky girlfriend who he is only dating because they were friends when they were eight has ditched him, so when a buddy of his calls about a volunteer opportunity in Haiti, Jack decides that's a great idea.
He gives Sammy to TRAC! and hugs Nolan goodbye. Aw, Jack!! You can't leave! Nolan needs you! Otherwise he won't have any friends at all! Other than me! Granted, I am the GREATEST FRIEND THAT NOLAN DOES NOT YET HAVE, but still!
TRAC! tells Nolan to make sure that Jack does, indeed, leave for Haiti. Man, when is Nolan going to get tired of taking orders from TRAC!? Nolan, you are the coolest person on this show!! In fact, other than occasionally Charlotte (and how did that happen?), you are legit the only character on this show who I do not want to punch in the face repeatedly. SAC UP, NOLAN!
Anyhooskies, Jack quickly finds himself involved with more of TRET's craziness, but we'll get to all that in a bit.
How's that divorce going? Victoria has Conrad over a barrel yet again. Now that Grandpa Grayson is mad at him for dragging the Grayson name through the mud, Conrad wants to settle quietly after all. I feel like we've watched this same cycle of events repeatedly over the last few weeks. He offers Victoria the mansion, plus offers to buy out her shares in Grayson Global. Victoria acquiesces after a few minutes of pouting . . . and then pulls out the contact info for an SEC agent. Uh, Victoria, you may no longer have shares in Grayson Global, but your son still does! And presumably Charlotte's shares haven't been stripped away from her. For someone who claims to love her kids, you're kind of screwing them over.
Speaking of Charlotte: Char's not taking the news of her parentage all that well. When she isn't passed out drunk at the Stowaway, she's stealing Jack's pain medication and getting high. Declan sweetly tracks down a therapist's information for her and begs her to see someone. Charlotte agrees . . . until Grandpa Grayson shows up. I knew William DeVane couldn't be jovial and lovely for long. He mildly threatens Charlotte that if she seeks help, the therapist could spread all of her secrets. (Um, sure. If that therapist wanted to be sued for malpractice and run out on a rail.) He bribes Charlotte: if she gives up the idea of therapy, he'll ensure that Declan is accepted into Charlotte's prep school. (Declan failed his entrance exam, to exactly no one's surprise.)
Now that therapy and/or any other productive means of dealing with her issues is closed to her, Charlotte just gets high and skinny dips with Declan. Well, it beats cutting herself, I suppose.
Also her angst is squeezing out of the top of her dress.
And while we're on the subject of Grandpa Grayson: TRAC! convinces Daniel to woo his grandfather and try to get the CEO job. Grandpa Grayson wants to start grooming Daniel anyway (not in the non-human primate sense), so he tells Daniel that his first task is to talk to TRAC!'s Sensei, as Sensei has decided to pull his money from Grayson Global. The Sensei feels very strongly about divorce, obviously. Except! In a shocking twist! Daniel admits to the Sensei that he plans to quit Grayson Global. He's going to ask TRAC! to run away with him! The Sensei obviously approves this plan, because he loves love. He just wants these crazy kids to work it out!
So, uh, about that missing box . . . Oh, HEY. Guess who DIDN'T steal TRAC!'s Big Box of Revenge Supplies? TRET! Guess who did? TYLER. Yep, Tyler's back, having elected to check himself out (code for shooting up the place, I think) of the mental hospital to which he had been sentenced. AND he's kidnapped TRET!
Tyler tries to get TRET! to wake up to the fact that TRAC!'s been playing her this whole time! Look at this box of revenge office supplies, TRET! Look at these voicemail messages from a whiny Jack, missing your special brand of syphillis, TRET! TRAC! IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.
TRET! is inspired to help Tyler with his plan to ruin TRAC!'s life, because juvie roomie sisterhood only goes so far. So Tyler calls TRAC! and blackmails her - he'll return her Box of Revenge Office Supplies if she'll pay lots of money. They arrange a meet, but then Tyler pulls a gun! TRAC! is about to take care of business when TRET! shows up! Holding a gun on her as well! TRET!'s all, "you took away the one thing I ever cared about!" and TRAC! is all, "OH MY GOD, GEEZ, HAVE JACK'S PENIS BACK, WHATEVER!" but TRET! tells her that, actually, she means that TRAC! stole the sisterly bond that TRET! thought they had. I actually am almost a little sad. Poor TRET! just wants some family. Maybe she and Charlotte should hang out more.
Also, I find it amusing that TRAC! calls TRET! "Amanda," even when everyone around knows that her name is Emily. I guess they don't want to confuse themselves.
Anyhooskies, Tyler and TRET! take TRAC!'s money and keep the Box of Revenge Office Supplies, leaving TRAC! fuming and worried. Later on, TRET! asks Tyler why, exactly, he's so dead set against TRAC!. Tyler claims it's because TRET! killed Frank and framed him for the murder, but we all know he's just upset that she got in the way of his attempts to woo Daniel with a sexy dance. This info, however, is enough to make TRET! realize that TRAC! was trying to protect her (when she isn't actively framing her for crimes she didn't commit, that is). So she tries to escape! And Tyler shoots at her retreating back!
Once Upon a Time, Two People Had a Shitty Engagement Party: All that finally leads us to Daniel and TRAC!'s engagement party, the
Syphillis and Ben Gay Scrotum Fire and Ice Ball!! FINALLY WE ARE BACK TO THE BEGINNING! Everyone is dressed in red or white, and we see a lot of the same scenes from the pilot episode, though this time with more context. There's Victoria and Conrad sniping at each other! There's Ashley looking suspicious and Nolan looking squirrelly! There are Charlotte and Declan, drunk and looking for a place to strip! And there's Victoria, giving the World's Most Awkward Engagement Speech and then stomping over to TRAC! to demand to know Daniel's whereabouts. Aww! All our old friends!
Something we didn't see in the Pilot: Sensei has the Revenge box! He won't tell TRAC! how he found it, only that she should immediately go bury it on the beach and then all her questions will be answered. I can't tell if he's speaking metaphorically or not.
Daniel watches TRAC! goes and follows her (narrowly missing seeing her bury the box. That's definitely a metaphor.). Victoria has put a bug in his ear about TRAC! being in it for the Grayson name, and when Daniel asked TRAC! if she'd drop her entire life and move with him to Paris to fulfill a goddamn existential whim, she declines. So now Daniel thinks that TRAC! only loves him for the money she doesn't need or the family name that has rapidly gone to shit. He's going to
his room the beach!
Wah wah, poor little rich boy.
Meanwhile! Jack is just about to set sail when the naturally musky odor of TRET! wafts along the harbor. Indeed! TRET! has returned and can't wait to sail away with Jack to Haiti using the password she no longer has. Jack tells TRET! that TRAC! only said nice things about her, which inspires TRET! to . . . run away. Eh, well, Jack doesn't have the greatest pick up lines.
Jack notices that he has blood on his hands! Which must mean that TRET! is bleeding! He goes sprinting after her cab!
On the beach, Tyler shows up to threaten Daniel with a gun, telling him that TRAC! is on the road to revenge! She's not who Daniel thinks she is! The two tussle!
Jack has finally reached the beach and finds TRET! hunched over the still, bleeding figure of a man in a white jacket. He pulls the body behind some bushes, as we saw in the Pilot! Jack's not the killer! He's just an idiot who tampers with evidence because the syphillis he caught from TRET! is eating his brain!
Meanwhile, TRAC! calls Daniel to find out where he is. Jack sees the phone in the pocket and starts to get worried as to who's under that suit . . .
Charlotte, alerted to the sound of the phone ringing, finds the body and runs screaming into the party. She clearly says "my brother!" Charlotte, you must be high! Because, indeed, it is not Daniel shot dead under that bush; it is Tyler. All the guests gasp with intrigue (or relief)! BUT WHERE IS DANIEL?
The hazy quality reminds me of picnics of yesteryear!
Why, stumbling back to the crowd, covered in blood, of course! Victoria is so happy to see him safe that she throws herself on him and weeps. It looks like Daniel has FINALLY figured out how much his mom loves him!
Uh oh! Now what! A bloody TRET! is running away from the scene of the crime . . . and straight into Sensei's limo. Jigga whaa? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
And that's it for Revenge until next week! Again; apologies for the recapping delay - it turns out that trying to balance a giant work paper, a massive presentation in front of several VPs, an impending cold and Revenge is just too much for this girl! Next time, obvs, I'll tell work and my immune system to fuck off.
Thoughts? What's going to happen now? And since we're no longer working towards a conclusion (the scenes we saw in the pilot episode), do you think Revenge will improve or grow messy and distracted? Let us know in the comments!