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A Highly Scientific Analysis of Logan vs. Duncan vs. Piz

Jenny conducts a highly scientific analysis of Veronica Mars: Logan vs. Duncan vs. Piz.

A Highly Scientific Analysis of Logan vs. Duncan vs. Piz

Have you cleaned up your computer from the coffee/tea/beer spray that was a result of your excitement upon seeing this title? No? Well, go ahead, this post will wait for you, and you surely don't want anything marring your screen while you weigh my highly scientific research on the loves of one Veronica Mars.

All done? Great! Now when I set out to do this, I had no idea how difficult it was going to be, because... LOGAN!!!! Duh! But then I started remembering all of the wonderful characters on VM, and pretty soon I had a Logan vs. Duncan vs. Piz vs. Wallace vs. Weevil vs. Mac vs. Keith Mars and I had to tell myself 'Self! Hold your horses! Let's make this first one about Veronica's main love interests!' So while you can look for future highly scientific analyses of more Veronica Mars characters, let's get on with this one, shall we?

Oh, the loves of a teenage detective! Who can you trust? (Wallace) Who's got your back? (Backup) Who makes you weak in the knees, and WHO is the best?!!! Well, that's what we're about to figure out. And yes, I do realize I've left out Iceman's twin, and Deputy Dude, but let's all be honest here. They never had a chance, really.

Like we've done in the past with Felicity and Gilmore Girls, we'll follow a pure scientific structure to see which one of these guys comes out on top. Erm.

PERSONALITY

Logan: 9

Oh, Logan Echolls, you started out as SUCH a raging douchecanoe! Remember that time, in the first season, when you were dating Paris Hilton and we all hated you? What a jerk you were!!! But then you showed us that you are also fiercely loyal and passionate and somehow that self destructive streak only made us like you more!!! How did you do that? One thing's for sure: whether he was making us (Veronica, I mean. Veronica) weak in the knees or wanting to punch him, Logan Echolls has major personality.

Duncan: 2

Duncan is... sweet. Right? Yes. He's sweet. At least mostly. And he's... um... well... dumb as a pile of rocks and a little less interesting that the lint catcher in my dryer, if I'm honest. In fact, he's only on this list because I have such high standards for my own journalistic integrity. And he's so easy to make fun of.

Piz: 5

It's funny, 'cause my memory of Season 3 is a little hazy, like a dream I can't quite remember, or a nightmare I've purposefully blocked, cuz Season 3 sucked so hard. But if memory does serve, Piz did sweet plus quirky well. He had the whole college radio dj thing going for him, and he was witty and charming, which he needed to balance out the emo hair.

LOOKS

Logan: 5

Logan is not actually the handsomest contestant on our show. I KNOW, I KNOW! Don't get all testy with me! But he's not so much with the surface handsome. If we didn't know him so well, and passed him on the street, we might think he was okay, but I doubt very many of us would want him in our pants based on looks alone.

Duncan: 6

I guess Duncan is cute, in that blandishly handsome football player crossed with a 4-year old kind of way. But one look into those vacant baby blues is enough to want to scream at Veronica: WHY?! WHY?!!!! You're SO smart!!!!! WHYYYYY???!!!!!!

Piz: 8

I actually think Piz is the best looking of the three, which is good for him, because lord knows he needs all the help he can get going up against Logan the other guys.

TRAGIC PAST

Logan: 10

Abusive father beats you with a belt (and makes you choose the belt for the beating), sleeps with your girlfriend and murders her? And you mom jumps off a bridge (or did she?) Oh yeah, this boy has baggage out the hooha. Let us Veronica comfort you, Logan!

Duncan: 9

Okay, there's the whole thing where his sister was murdered. That sucked. But I think what bothered Duncan more than anything was the fact that he thought Veronica was his sister. And then had sex with her anyway.

Piz: 0?

Does Piz have a past? I don't think so. But if I were to make one up for him, he'd love his grandma.

TREATMENT OF VERONICA

Logan: -10 +10

Oh Logan, you were such an asshole! And you treated Veronica so bad! And then you saved her! And you made out in the bathroom! And then you messed up! And then you straightened out! And then there was that whole thing when you went and had sex with Madison Sinclair while you were broken up...

Duncan: -999

HE HAD SEX WITH HER WHILE HE THOUGHT SHE WAS HIS SISTER!!!!! I kind of think that cancels out anything nice he ever did, ever, much less for her.

Piz: 9

You might think I'm scoring Piz too high in this category, but he actually did treat Veronica really well. Maybe he was a little puppy doggish, waiting for her to come around, but when they did get together, it was sweet. He also wins the honor of being the one boyfriend who didn't betray her in some horrible way. So there's that.

ROMANTIC GESTURES

Logan: 10

Remember that time when Veronica got kidnapped by that kid from Home Improvement when the school was getting bomb threats? And then Logan rescued her? And then they KISSED for the first time?!!! That moment marked the very first time that my husband and I simultaneously stood up and high-fived each other while watching television.

Duncan: 1

Well, there was that time he gave her a ride to the surfing competition. And there was that time he made it so that all the kids at Neptune High could earn Pirate Points after Veronica challenged him to DO SOMETHING when he won the election for class president. But that was AFTER he HAD SEX with her when he thought she was his SISTER.

Piz: 3

Poor Piz. He tried with the romantic gestures. Although for future reference, bowling is not necessarily super romantic. But he didn't release the sex tape of him and Veronica. So maybe that deserves a couple of points.

JE NE SAIS QUOI

Logan: 1 Million x Infinity Plus 1

What IS it about Logan Echolls? How did they do it? HOW did they make pretty much THEE most swoony boy of any show about a high school detective, ever?!!! One look from those tortured puppy dog eyes and the entire female population is reduced to a puddle of goo.

Duncan: 0

See above re: vacant eyes, dumb as a pile of rocks, less interesting than a lint catcher. Also: sister fucking.

Piz: 3

He DID have that whole college radio dj thing...

CONCLUSION

And OH MY GOSH, you guys! We have a surprise winner!!!! (Ha, ha, just kidding!)

Our second runner up is Duncan Kane with -983 points!

First runner up goes to Piz, with a solid showing of 28 points!

But the winner of this highly scientific analysis is clearly Logan Echolls, with a resounding 1,000,034 x Infinity + 1!

Agree? Disagree? Submit your evidence in the comments!

 

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Jenny Bird's photo About the Author: Jenny grew up on a steady diet of Piers Anthony, Isaac Asimov and Star Wars novels. She has now expanded her tastes to include television, movies, and YA fiction.
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