If you care at all about preserving the endangered species of hotness on this earth, then you've heard that Taylor Kitsch, aka Tim Riggins, aka #33, aka TEXAS FOREVER IN MY PANTS, is starring in not one but two upcoming film releases. The first, John Carter, is based on the novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs, which tell the story of a Civil War veteran who is mysteriously transported to Mars and joins the fight to save the planet's residents. The second, Battleship, is... kinda like a cross between the board game and Independence Day? I'm not really sure?
But let's be honest. No one cares about the plot of these films! All we care about is TAYLOR KITSCH BEING SMOKIN' HOT. And so, with that deeply philosophical goal in mind, I performed a scientific comparison of the films to determine which one will allow Taylor Kistch to melt our panties the most. Scientists, LET'S DO THIS. Now, keep in mind, I haven't actually seen either of these films. But is that important? No! A scientist can piece together the truth with only a few fragments of evidence! And with the trailers of these films, we have all the research we need:
I hope y'all took careful notes! I know I did. Especially on Taylor Kitsch's highly developed muscular system. Now, let us analyze!
TAYLOR KITSCH'S CHARACTER
In this film, Taylor plays a dude who really wants to marry a girl, but he has to impress her father first by wearing a super hot naval uniform and doing some test exercises on a battleship. Points were awarded based on the naval uniform and his bravery for touching that creepy alien ship, and one point was deducted for his make-out session with a girl wearing jorts that were waaaaaay too short.
John Carter: 5
John Carter isn't a v. talkative dude, but he seems really courageous, and he can jump insanely high! Beyond that, I don't know much, except for the fact that a character played by Taylor Kitsch can never score below a 5 unless he's a psycho serial killer, and even then, it's up for negotiation.
TAYLOR KITSCH'S GUNS
Thank you for designing uniforms that feature short sleeves.
God Bless the USA,
John Carter: 10
HEY THERE. These guns cannot be contained by mere sleeves! NO SIR.
TAYLOR KITSCH'S BARE CHEST
What, you're surprised that I made a separate category for the chest? Hello, every scientist worth her salt knows that arms and chest are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. It's fundamental, y'all. And even though the trailer doesn't reveal any shirtlessness, I'm betting that at some point in the film, Taylor's shirt comes off. Maybe it's pulled off by his tart of a girlfriend! Or maybe it's blown off in an explosion! Or maybe the aliens, in a desperate attempt to save their planet, cosmically reveal Taylor Kitsch's chest to restore order to the universe!
John Carter: 10
Louise Mingenbach. Does the name ring a bell? She's done costumes for such illustrious films as The Usual Suspects, X-Men 2 and The Hangover. But her most important work, my friends, is the re-discovery of He-Man fashion. Louise Mingenbach, thanks to John Carter, your name will go down in history as the Greatest Costume Designer Who Ever Lived, just as the image of Taylor Kitsch's glistening pecs and abs will be eternally etched in my memory.
TAYLOR KITSCH'S CHARISMA
Taylor Kitsch's charisma cannot be contained by mere characters. It cannot be altered by "acting" or affected by "a screenplay." It will blossom wherever it lands into smoldering petals of simmering sexiness. But since some environments are more conducive to Taylor Kitsch's charisma than others, I was forced to deduct one point on account of this not being Friday Night Lights.
John Carter: 9
OTHER CAST MEMBERS WHO ARE NOT TAYLOR KITSCH
Like the poor souls in a Mandy Moore movie, no one really gives a cuss about other actors in a Taylor Kitsch film. However, I won't say no to ALEXANDER SKARSKGARD.
Note: This photo is not from Battleship. It is, however, FROM MY FANTASY.
This movie also features Liam Neeson, who can't seem to turn down any role that requires him to play an overprotective father (I'm not complaining) and Rihanna, who... can act? Maybe? Probably not?
Most importantly, besides Taylor Kitsch, this movie stars LANDRY!!!!!!! CRUCIFICTORIOUS 4-LIFE. (More on him below.)
John Carter: 1
Y'all, I've watched this trailer numerous, numerous times in the name of science. And yet, despite my repeated viewings, none of the other actors in this film look remotely familiar. Of course, most of the "other actors" in the film are CGI aliens, so... there's that.
TIM RIGGINS NOSTALGIA
It's impossible not to see Taylor Kitsch and immediately think of Tim Riggins. In my swimfan-addled brain, they are one and the same. But it looks like Battleship is purposefully trying to trigger my Big Rig desire with several key elements, including:
• Taylor Kitsch is sort of an eff-up (and not someone your dad would approve of)
• Taylor Kitsch plays rubgy! Or soccer! Or whatever, he plays a sport! GO PANTHERS.
• Taylor Kitsch is directed by Peter Berg! WHAT WHAT!
• And, finally, Taylor Kitsch appears in the same scene as LANDRY!!! God, I hope there's some tutoring involved.
John Carter: 2
I admit, it's tough to picture Tim Riggins fighting aliens on Mars. But hey, he's served some serious prison time, so the dude can probably handle a few (hundred) UFOs. Other Riggins dead giveways in the trailer include:
• Taylor Kitsch has long hair!
• Taylor Kitsch says "Yes ma'am," just like Tami Taylor taught him!
FINAL SCORE OF TAYLOR KITSCH'S HOTNESS
In the presence of such blinding sexiness, it is difficult to focus on the scientific task at hand. But after careful analysis, the final results are:
John Carter: 27
Fellow scholars, I encourage you to embark on your own investigations and report back. But for now, may I assure you that these findings bode v. v. well for your lady parts.