Guys! I'm really worried about the future of Revenge on my tv. This is the last episode until APRIL. APRIL. They're entirely skipping the month of March! I mean, on the one hand, that's cool, because this show airs late, and I'm an old lady who doesn't like to stay up past ten on weeknights (to be fair, I'm an old lady who has to be up by 5:30 to get to work on time). But on the other hand, no!!! What will I do without Nolan?
It does occur to me that I have no actual interest in anyone other than Nolan at this point. TRAC! needs to get back on her path to revenge, and soon. I want to see people taken down in an orderly fashion!
Most Awesome Rich Person Outfit: Once again, I am bestowing this noble award to the one, the only, Mister Nolan Ross. He spends every day looking like he stole his clothes from a Tommy Hilfiger mannequin, and yet, he always pulls it off! I guess there is one person in the world who looks good in head to toe Tommy!
Person Revenge is Exacted Upon: Well, Daniel is arguably the episode's loser, considering he's going to be tried for murder and he's remanded into custody without bail. But the person most likely shitting her pants is TRAC!, who is seeing her plan for revenge spiral out in ways she cannot contain. She keeps making this FACE:
This is TRAC!'s "oh, shit" face. Not to be confused with her "aww, look at that squirrel" face.
Daniel vs Jack: Neither make a particularly good showing this week, but Daniel fans, you will be delighted to know that I finally do feel bad for the guy. He's just so confused, and he's being used to score political points with the 99% (which is so stupid) and he's going to get raped in jail, and I kind of want to give him a puppy and let him sleep over on my couch. Poor dude.
Number of Botox Shots that Madeleine Stowe Has Had This Week: 1 for every reporter's flash bulb that went off in her stoic, unflinching face. Oh, Mads. You are such a BAMF. Won't you be my life coach and teach me how to never, ever betray my feelings to an unworthy audience?
Upon Ashley's Meteoric Rise to Fame: In what was perhaps the funniest part of this episode, Ashley has taken it upon herself to become the Graysons' spokesperson, mostly because Victoria is too distracted with her concern for Daniel to ask Ashley to fetch her another drink or make sure the table linens match with the upholstered chairs at the next Grayson shindig. She falls more on the Donnatella Moss range of the press secretary spectrum, but with a little bit of work, a root canal and some button-down silk shirts in muted colors, she may someday reach CJ Cregg heights. Maybe.
Nolan's a little suspicious that Ashley has found herself so composed in the spotlight, so he does a little digging . . . turns out that Ashley is the one who leaked the photos of a blood-covered Daniel to the press. Ashley, this is kind of a lame plan to make yourself important. I'd expect a Croydon (sad, awful little Croydon! Home to miseries abound!) girl to do better.
Conrad and Victoria are kind of . . . cute? Charlotte declares that she's not moving back into the mansion unless Conrad does too, and because Charlotte is totes Conrad's favorite child that he didn't actually spawn, he does. And he and Victoria are kind of . . . cute together? Like, they laugh a bit and I'm sort of rooting for them now? I dunno; it's weird.
In flashbacks, we learn more about Conrad's involvement in the flight that was shot down by The Terrorists. It turns out that Conrad was laundering money for them. When I was a little girl, I thought laundering money meant, you know, actually washing money. I figured the money had drugs on them and that if crooked accountants washed them, then the cops couldn't trace the drugs back to the mob. I was sad to learn it really just had to do with investing in shell funds.
Jack the Hoodie: Charlotte tells the police that she saw someone in a dark hoodie crouching over Tyler's body and that he ran off before she discovered Tyler. The Graysons have put out a reward to find this dark-hoodied person! Except, Declan knows that The Owner Of The Hoodie is none other than Jack, because Declan is keenly aware of his older brother's casual wardrobe. He tells Jack not to be stupid.
But Jack, Jack is so stupid! He won't stop moping around about TRET! He comes to collect Sammy the Ageless Wonder Dog from TRAC! and mopes about TRET! some more. Then he goes over to Nolan's house and mopes there, showing Nolan the receipt he found in TRET!'s coat pocket detailing the payout that TRAC! made. UGH, JACK. GET OVER IT. Because you are about to stumble on something YOU CANNOT HANDLE.
Hilariously, Nolan calls TRAC! to gripe about TRET!, calling her the "homicidal, stripper version of Whack-A-Mole." I love Nolan so much.
Daniel Did A Bad Bad Thing: The main plotline of the episode is Daniel's arrest and subsequent arraignment for murder. The Graysons hire Courtney B Vance to represent Daniel, which makes me happy, cause I love me some Courtney B Vance. Daniel initially takes Victoria's advice to keep his fool mouth shut, but when presented with some pretty damning physical evidence (i.e. gunshot powder on his hands, Tyler's blood on his suit in a way which matches the spatter pattern of a shot to the chest), Daniel confesses. He DID shoot Tyler! They argued, Tyler pulled a gun, and while they were wrestling, the gun went off. But then Daniel doesn't remember anything that happened after that! So how did Tyler end up being shot twice more, in the back!
TRAC! meanwhile, is nervous because she doesn't know how much Tyler might have told Daniel. It turns out he told him a bit - enough to get Daniel interested in what's hiding under TRAC!'s floorboards. He snoops while she's out walking Sammy, but he doesn't find anything useful, because of course TRAC has hidden the evidence by now. She tells Daniel that Tyler is crazy, and he can't believe whatever Tyler told him. Daniel's not so sure.
Because Daniel's super rich and people are mad at the super rich (and, yes, there's an obnoxious level of talk about how angry the 99% are, like we're particularly concerned with the machinations of one Hamptons playboy instead of, like, the fact that corporations are allowed to turn huge profits while disregarding the same laws that govern all citizens), and so the judge comes down very hard on Daniel. He's remanded without bail and sentenced to Rikers until trial. Poor Daniel. I legit feel bad for him.
He already has cramps just thinking about it.
But, wait! Who really shot Tyler? SENSEI DID! Sometime between the discovery of Tyler's body and the cops coming to the scene, TRAC! ran back to the beach house to rid her place of any evidence that might link her to Tyler or that Daniel might find. And sensei is there! And they fight!! He recounts the scene from the beach: Daniel did indeed shoot Tyler accidentally, but Tyler didn't die from the gunshot wound (and probably wouldn't have). But then! Sensei hit Daniel with a big rock, rendering him unconscious! And shot Tyler twice in the back, cold as anything!! He did it to protect TRAC!'s mission, or something. I'm . . . honestly a little confused about his motives. BUT! I know that he hired Nolan to loop the security camera footage from the party to the same three minutes over and over, just like on Speed! So Nolan's now working for Sensei, and he's got TRET! on his side (or has disposed of her) .. . what is Sensei's plan???
I don't know, but we won't find out till APRIL. LAME. Sound off in the comments about your theories, speculation, and anything I missed! Until April, guys!