Here's the deal, you guys. Every Monday, we've been posting our own version of Sense and Sensibility, five chapters at a time. For the most part, we've revised it through the lens of reality TV, and I have to say, we've done a damn fine job of it. From The Bachelorette to Real Housewives to Dog the Bounty Hunter, we've had a blast transporting the Dashwoods and their drama to modern times. But now that we've reached the Ch 31-35 installment, we have a few problems.
And when I say problems, I mean problem. And that problem is: it's my turn to write the post, and I've spent the entire day drinking. I know sometimes we exaggerate for comedic purposes, but trust me. I HAVE BEEN DAY DRINKING. ALL DAY. And it's mostly been TEQUILA. And I am NOT in the mood to deal with the Dashwoods bullshizz.
So instead of writing a clever post where I transplant the Dashwood sisters to another reality show, I'm just going to write from the heart. Because I can't deal with trying to compare Willoughby to the Situation, as heinous as they both may be. And also, haven't we given these Dashwood bitches enough of our time? WHY HAVEN'T THEY LEARNED THEIR LESSON YET? And why can't we all be as poor as the Dashwoods? Because I WANT A COOK. OK.
So! Chapters 31-35! Colonel Brandon, aka Alan Rickman being hot, tells Elinor about his tragic past. He was in love with this chick Eliza, but she married his brother because they had to maintain the family fortune or whatever. This is one of those rare times when I'm glad I'm not rich because that sucks. Anyhoodle, his bro treated Eliza bad, and eventually Alan Rickman found her dying in a spa, which is really, really gross. I mean, imagine getting a massage or hanging in the sauna next to a girl coughing her lungs up. That's one Yelp review you could never, ever recover from. But yeah, so she dies, but she has a kid, so Alan Rickman vows to take care of her, because he is an honorable man.
Except he's totally a crappy guardian, because that kid goes and hooks up with WILLOUGHBY! THAT ASSHOLE! He deserves a FACEPUNCH!
Oh, what's that? Yes, you CAN purchase yr v. own Facepunch t-shirt from the FYA Store! How lucky for you that we have no shame whatsoever in promoting our merch!
Ok, so yeah, the bottom line is, Willoughby can suck it. But to make matters even worse, Lucy Steele is still blabbing to Elinor about how in looooove she and Edward are, and then Edward walks into the room! AWKWARD! Oh yeah, and Mrs. Ferrars is still a complete beyotch.
And... that's about it! So the main lesson is that everyone needs to chill the eff out and have another Moscow Mule on the patio, because that shizz will CALM YOU DOWN. (Although Marianne might want to have two, because girlfriend is high-strung.)
Looks like I just solved everyone's problems! Jane Austen, YOU'RE WELCOME.
Next installment: Chapters 36-40