Well, hello everyone! And welcome back to Ringer, your favorite show about identical twins who are equal parts dumb and crazy. If the previews are to be believed, this week is supposed to be SUPER SCARY. They keep showing a crazed looking Andrew and keep referring to a "silence." Come now. This isn't Hush (one of the greatest Buffy episodes of all time), this is Ringer. I DOUBT we'll be lucky enough for any silence to occur. Well, let's get to it and find out just how misleading those previews are!
Cliffhangers: Well, that ending was one (bang bang!)
Flashbacks: Too many to count! My favorites were the flashbacks to things that happened only an episode or two ago. Absurd.
Fave Outfit: For a show about rich people, I find myself very unimpressed with the clothing choices. It's not JUST that they aren't cute. It's that they're not even ugly in memorable ways. Which means I am officially retiring this category. Suggestions for new categories are welcome!
Moments when you wish you were as rich as Andrew (Rich Envy): I'm kind of jealous that BS gets to hire Soloman as a personal bodyguard. Having enough money to hire someone who always has to hang out with you and do your dirty work sounds pretty good.
Number of times people have to remind Bridget/Siobhan that something happened and explain it in extreme detail without being suspicious at all that Bridget/Siobhan doesn't remember: Haha, okay, I didn't bother to track this, but I CRACKED UP when Soloman was all like "uhhh, you kept asking me questions about things you had done...which is weird." Oh, Soloman.
What the hell happened:
Back in Paris. Man, Paris is cool, but doesn't Ringer kiiiind of make you think that you were and maybe Paris is actually the most boring city on earth? Henry the Horrible calls The Real Siobhan (TRS) and tells her that Tyler is dead. Flashback to when TRS confronted Andrew about his Ponzi scheme. He told Siobhan he'd kill her if she tried to ruin him. The part where he threatens her life was on the recording we listened to a couple of episodes ago. TRS had hired a private investigator and he found out she was being following by a hit man. Which explains why she switched places with Bridget. See, that's interesting. Because I had always assumed TRS sent the original hit man after Bridget-as-Siobhan (BS). So...if TRS had nothing to do with that, then it was either Andrew or Olivia who hired the hit man.
What to do when your wife is a narc?
Olivia and Andrew have Tyler's flash drive. Unfortunately, nothing important is on it. So someone took the real info from Tyler before he died? Or after he died. Whichever. BS still can't get a hold of Malcolm. She is at the penthouse and Andrew confronts her. The show keeps trying so hard to make Andrew seem scary. It's not working.
Oh Andrew...you are just SO SCARRRY!
Soloman the chauffeur is back! I had wondered what on earth happened to him. BS is looking for the phone she stole off the dead hit man. She can't find it. I'm not sure why this matters.
Wyoming! Machado is just hanging out in his car, watching Bodaway make out with one of his stripper girlfriends. Machado threatens him, just for fun/no reason I can tell. BS uses her GPS tracking app to try and find Malcolm. Olivia and Andrew are still fighting over what to do about Siobhan. Juliet comes home. She tells Andrew to apologize to Siobhan, since Juliet loves Siobhan these days.
Wow, look at those props! These two look like they are doing some seriously smart police work here.
Turns out Malcolm didn't turn himself in to be at witness against Bodaway. He is MISSING. BS and Soloman track Malcolm's phone to some sort of hobo den. They find the phone with a homeless man who claims he found it in a dumpster.
Juliet is at her mom's hotel and gets hit on by some really lame dude. He has a fugly sun tattoo on his arm that should be a total deal breaker, but somehow isn't for Juliet. I guess Catherine is staying in New York? I thought she and Juliet whet to Miami but I guess not? This show makes no sense. Catherine gifts Juliet some diamond earrings. Which, doesn't seem very thoughtful, since technically that was ALL JULIET'S MONEY. I would be really pissed if someone got me a present with my own money and acted like I should be grateful. Maybe Juliet would have preferred to pick out her earring herself, YA KNOW? Also, after a certain point...don't diamonds become boring to rich people? I mean, diamonds are boring to me, and I'm not anywhere close to being rich.
Soloman steals a surveillance tape from the hotel Malcolm was staying at. They see that Andrew went up to Malcolm's door before he disappeared. And then they STOP THE TAPE. Because they seem to think this is CONCRETE PROOF THAT ANDREW MURDERED MALCOLM. Oh wait, no it's not. And Andrew is dumb...but...probably not dumb enough to kill someone in a hotel room that has surveillance. But also...here's a thought...FINISH THE FUCKING TAPE. See is Andrew came out. Did he COME OUT WITH A BODY? NO? Did Malcolm come out later, on his own? Did I miss something here? Or did this show really have these people not finish the tape?
Soloman tells BS he knows she's Bridget. NOW SOLOMON IS OFFICIALLY THE SMARTEST PERSON ON THE SHOW. He's the new Malcolm!
TRS is back from Paris. Henry the Horrible is unimpressed by her showing up without telling him and not cluing him in on the plans. Henry accuses TRS of having slept with Tyler. She finally admits it and he's pissed. And to save her ass, she using her trump card (aka the dead kid card). And TRS says Bridget KILLED HER SON. Crazy Siobhan...that is NOT WHAT HAPPENED. Jesus, this lady is something special. TRS finally tells Henry exactly what she did to entrap Bridget.
"Wait, wait...HOW many penises have you touched?"
Juliet is chatting online with the loser she met earlier. Tessa comes to meet her for coffee. Tessa's alive, I guess? And recovered? The tattoo guy's name is Cash (wonderful) and Tessa recognizes his horrible tattoo. It's the guy who beat her! So, Catherine is sending her mugger to bone her daughter?
Juliet goes to Catherine. She realizes that Catherine paid Cash and lied to her. Gosh, Juliet, who would have thought that your mom...who CONVINCED you to pretend a teacher raped you...would turn out to be crazy? Catherine fesses up and explains that Cash is trying to bone Juliet to get back at her.
TRS pretends to be BS and goes to try and trick Andrew. She finds him and tells Andrew that she doesn't love him. Somehow he manages NOT to notice the TWINS in her belly. TRS thinks she has made Andrew pissed off enough that he will try and kill BS. Really? Just by saying you don't love him? You should have said you gave him herpes and that he has a small dick. Something tells me this "ruse" will be ineffectual.
"Malcolm" texts BS from a random phone. I'm sure it's him...NOT. BS goes to meet him at the loft. It's Andrew. But! Shockingly...he says he won't hurt her. Because he just LOVES her so much. But then...someone shows up and starts shooting people?? We don't know who, because it all takes place off screen. And Andrew jumps in front of a bullet to protect BS. Andrew has been SHOT.
And that's it for this week folks! Next week's preview has BS and Juliet at the hospital. They are just SO WORRIED about Andrew. Something, just something tells me HE WILL SURVIVE. So the real questions...WHERE IS MALCOLM? And when is BS going to fess up to Andrew about being Bridget? Dude's a criminal, he will have to be understanding. And when is someone going punch Siobhan? And can it be ME?