Previous episode: "Return"
Holy magic balls, you guys. WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT? And I mean on Secret Circle, not at the bar where I was hanging out yesterday during SXSW, because I totally know what happened, and it involved me and several $2.50 vodka sodas. But seriously, is it just me (and the drinking) or was the show totally OTC last night?
LET US DISCUSS.
Cue the pop punk music! Faye is staring longingly at Lee's website, which looks like a piece of shizz. I mean, is that an animated gif? Is it hosted by Geocities? Lee, why don't you do some voodoo on that html? Also, Faye's bedroom is kiiiind of AMAZING. Her mom, Principal Lesbian Lover (PLL) barges in and demands that Faye act more like "a principal's daughter." Wait, did I miss something? When did the parents on this show actually start caring about their kids?
Apparently, there's a big "Casino Fundraiser" coming up soon, because this town has nothing better to do than throw lame events at the high school. Faye informs PLL that Cassie's dad, John Blackwell, aka Sully from Dr. Quinn, is back from the dead.
Meanwhile, Cassie and Sully are hanging out, and she gives him black coffee because it's dark, just like his DARK MAGIC. GET IT? Oh Cassie, you slay me. Even after that atrocious joke, Sully tells Cassie he wants to get to know her, and he warns her about using her DARK MAGIC. To prove she can handle it, she melts a coffee cup. Um, really? THAT's the test of being able control yr powers? Melting an innocent mug? I'm pretty sure Willow could do the same thing and look how SHE turned out.
Sully checks in with Jake. HELLO JAKE! He assures Sully that he's watching out for Cassie, as demonstrated by his all black attire. It's good to know he's not just going Goth or something.
Coffee Shop! What did I decide to call this place? Oh right, Witch's Brew. So the gang is talking about how Evan the Witch Hunter is still alive, but that's not as big of a deal as CASINO NIGHT! Adam and his boner want to go with Cassie. She says yes, and they kiss GROSS EW GROSS STOP STOP STOP.
Lee (Voodoo Cat Hat Brian - VCHB) is serving tea to his girlfriend in a coma, who is actually not in a coma anymore! Eva admits that she ODed on Devil's Spirit (Secret Circle, WHY MUST YOU CONTINUOUSLY MAKE ME TYPE THAT PHRASE) and she promises VCHB that she will never leave him again. Dang, looks like VCHB has a swimfan on his hands!
Over at the Boathouse Grill, aka Joe's Magic Shack, Diana and Melissa pick up CASINO NIGHT props and meet Grant, a guy who I thought was British but is maybe Australian? Either way, he's... not super hot. Like, is there a CW quota on casting hot actors? And if so, why did The Vampire Diaries get ALL OF THEM?
"Sorry, ladies, but until one of the members of the Handsome Club dies on Vampire Diaries, this is as good as you're gonna get."
Over at the Requisite LJ Smith House of Disrepair Set Far Away in the Woods, Cassie is spying on Sully, who is looking in the wall for a secret thing. He finds it! Then Cassie tells Adam about it, and I wonder how long I can take watching them be in a relationship. Maybe we should all just do a shot every time Adam is on screen. Yeah, that should help.
Faye comes over to the Voodoo Garage and invites VCHB to CASINO NIGHT, but then she finds some heels on the ground (really?) and says she's "not really a kitten heel girl"-- she's more of a stiletto. It's weird that Faye is the only girl on this show that I like, and yet, she says shizz like that, and also, "You can't live in the past, especially when the present looks like me." Unsurprisingly, Brian says no, because WHO SAYS CRAP LIKE THAT?
Cassie and Adam sneak into Jake's room and find a "sway," an object that takes a witch's power. Adam won't give it to her because he needs to control her every move, obviously.
Witch's Brew! The girls are having girl talk over lattes! Faye tells them about VCHB, and Melissa tells Faye about Grant hitting on Diana and is all "Be empowered! Spice up yr life!" and we're reminded that she saved herself from that sketchy drug dealer dude. I'm liking this new, sassy, Spice Girls version of Melissa! Ziga-zig-AH!
Meanwhile, Cassie shows the sway to Sully. He tells her that "it temporarily transforms the user into an immortal." And for some reason my well vodka-addled mind can't comprehend, this means that someone on the boat betrayed Sully. He asks for the sway, but Cassie refuses to give it to him. I hate Cassie!
Faye shows up at the Voodoo Garage, and Eva is there! Oh snap! Eva totally flaunts her GF status, and VCHB kisses her in front of Faye. THAT'S COLD! Don't feel bad, Faye. You're WAY hotter than Eva. And less crazy.
CASINO NIGHT IS FINALLY HERE! OMG! THE NIGHT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! Grant buys poker chips from Diana and flirts with her big time. Come on, Diana! Remember what Melissa said! Spice up yr life! Meanwhile, Melissa is serving cocktails? Is this legal? And WHERE'S JAKE?
Cassie is getting ready for her BIG CASINO NIGHT DATE with Adam by showing way too much cleave, and when he shows up, she tells him Sully's theory about the person who betrayed him on the boat. That person could still be alive! And he's working to take Sully down! And Cassie thinks it's Adam's dad, Drunk Bartender! And Adam gets mad! DRAMA!!!!! OUT OF NOWHERE! God I really hope this means they're breaking up soon.
Cassie storms over to Jake's THANK YOU and tells him what Sully said about the traitor. He offers to help but she says forget it because SHE SUCKS. After she leaves, Jake immediately calls Sully on the phone and tells him what happened.
Over at Joe's Magic Shack, Adam confronts Drunk Bartender about what happened between him and Sully. Does anyone else think it's weird that this is just now coming up? Don't you think Adam would've been a tad more curious, I dunno, like, HIS WHOLE LIFE about what happened before the boat fire that killed his mom? Oh, I see. He's not asking because he cares about his dad. He's asking because, "It's affecting me and Cassie!" Right, right right.
Back at CASINO NIGHT, VCHB shows up and spots Faye looking smoking hot in her dress. They kiss like WHOAH. It's nice to see some actual chemistry appear on this show from time to time. Meanwhile, in an empty hallway, Sully throws PLL against the lockers. She tries to be all sexy with him which is SERIOUSLY GROSS and honestly, does she still think this routine is going to get her power back? Because it's NOT WORKING. IT HAS NEVER WORKED. GIVE IT UP, PLL. Sully tells her that he's changed since they were young, and he need to find Drunk Bartender.
Adam apologizes to Cassie. Whatever. Who cares. PLL asks Cassie why Sully is looking for Drunk Bartender, and Faye and Melissa use their magic to win at blackjack! OMG! MAGIC?! ON THIS SHOW?!! SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!
Oh shizz, Eva shows up at CASINO NIGHT! She sees VCHB with Faye, and they totally have a face off! But unfortunately, no magical showdown occurs, and Eva leaves. Sully leaves as well, and someone with a knife follows him!
Jake appears THANK YOU, and Melissa warns him that Cassie has it bad for Adam. I love how, in the span of one episode, Melissa has gone from lame-o lackey to Omniscient Spice Girl. SHE KNOWS ALL! ZIGGA-ZIG-AH!
Grant's won a lot of tickets at CASINO NIGHT, but unfortunately they can't be redeemed for sex with Diana. So he gets two stuffed monkeys and gives one to her. That's sweet, I guess?
Outside of the school, Cassie sees Sully get knifed! OH DANG! She chases after the culprit and uses MAGIC to hit him with a bleacher. NICE! And WHAT WHAT it's Drunk Bartender! Sully stops her from hitting him with a piece of the bleacher. CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC.
So apparently, Drunk Bartender attacked Sully because he blamed him for what happened that day on the boat. That's it? SERIOUSLY? Cassie admits that she can't handle her DARK MAGIC, and Sully gives her some deep fatherly insight: "In trying to protect me tonight, you almost lost yourself forever." Wow, I guess I missed the part where Cassie's acting made that seem plausible.
Grant walks Diana out of CASINO NIGHT and tells her he'll be back. They smooch. Way to follow Melissa's advice, Diana! Zigga zig AH!
VCHB comes back to the Voodoo Garage, and Swimfan Eva is seriously pissed. "I came back from the dead for you." Dude, watch out! She's going to chain you to a wheelchair and push you into a pool! No wait! I was wrong! She used magic and... turned him into an old corpse? Or something? AWESOME! But also, CW! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? You just killed one of the only two hot guys you have on the show! WTF. Man, VCHB just cannot win.
Meanwhile, Sully corners Drunk Bartender and asks why he gave Evan the Witch Hunter the power to destroy the circle. Drunk Bartender tells him that Evan was only supposed to take Sully, and Sully makes Drunk Bartender swear not to tell the Elders about Cassie's DARK MAGIC. Drunk Bartender insists that he and Cassie's mom were written in the stars just like Cassie and Adam. Dude, WE KNOW. Stop talking about the stupid stars! Sully tells him it's not destiny, it's a curse, and the DRAMATIC MUSIC tells us that this is important.
Adam shows up at Cassie's house with his ugly Smurf face. She tells him what happened with their dads. Adam proclaims, "I'm sick of all the lies!" and Cassie manages to get through the worst line in the episode, "What if we can't get out from underneath their past?" And, as if I wasn't already close to vomiting, Adam tells Cassie he loves her, and then they start WILDLY MAKING OUT AND RIPPING OFF THEIR CLOTHES! SO GROSS. At least close the curtains, you guys. People don't need to see this. And for some reason, birds start circling above the house. Um, ok? I didn't realize birds were so pervy.
END OF EPISODE! We survived, you guys! Which is more than I can say for VCHB. And I guess for the birds, too, because in the trailer for next week's episode, it looks like all of the birds died because Cassie and Adam had sex. If that's not a sign that they should break up, I don't know what is.
So what did y'all think? Thoughts? Questions? Rants? Leave 'em in the comments.