Hey everyone...remember when Andrew got SHOT? Oh you forgot? Me too, because it was terribly uninteresting. Because if this show isn't going to kill someone, why pretend there is a chance they could die? Anyway, this week's recap is going to be a little different. I'm abandoning my tallies at the beginning of the recap. My brain! Just isn't good enough to keep up. So let's see what happened this week! I bet you 10 dollars Andrew doesn't die? Oh wait, no one wants to take that bet, do they?
Andrew (shockingly) is still shot. The bullet maybe hit an artery - WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME! Agent Machado tries to go after the perp. Machado goes on the chase, but ends up losing him (of course). But he does find...a tarot card.
Sad Bridget-as-Siobhan (BS) is sad in the hospital waiting room. Juliet shows up. She's so sad because if her Dad dies, she will have to carry all that guilt of being a horrible human and a liar. Juliet calls Henry the Horrible. Why on earth would Henry be anywhere on Andrew's emergency call tree? I'm starting to think Andrew doesn't have any friends, whatsoever. Which might explain why he ends up marrying such horrible women.
Machado is trying to interpret the tarot card he found. What can it possibly MEAN? Henry shows up at the hospital with a bag of stuff. And proceeds to act not Horrible, for maybe the first time in the entire show. The doctor shows up - they got out the bullet. Andrew is going to be fine. Are any of us actually surprised??
Henry goes home and The Real Siobhan (TRS) starts grilling him. She has been trying to make Henry think that Andrew had put a hit out on her. But with Andrew taking a bullet for BS, Henry no longer believes that to be true. He thinks TRS might have put the hit out on Bridget herself and that she's been lying this whole time. And he finally does the ONE fist-pump worthy thing he's ever done - he dumps TRS's ass. Yeah, boy! FINALLY. Basically, you know you're the worst human ever when I think Henry the Horrible should dump YOU, instead of the other way around.
BS asks Andrew why he was at Malcolm's hotel room the other night. Shockingly, it wasn't to MURDER him. It was to bribe him to get out of town. Malcolm took the money and ran. BS tells Andrew about the time, way back when, when that dude tried to kill her and his body went missing. Good, girl! Start TELLING him some of this shit. BS speculates that maybe Olivia is behind the rampant murder attempts.
Hospital security is unequipped to handle TWINS.
Henry the Horrible is talking to Gemma's Daddy. He is taking those two red-headed twins that we never see for the weekend. Henry tells Gemma's Daddy to get his money out of Martin-Charles. Martin-Charles again...! Aren't we over that company now that we ALL know it's a Ponzi scheme?
Agent Machado comes to question Andrew in the hospital. He asks questions about Malcolm and his whereabouts. BS finally learns that Malcolm was going to testify against Bodaway.
Stealthy chauffeur turned-bodyguard Soloman goes to Olivia's place to look for clues. And he does that thing we he finds the imprint of something that was written on a notepad. That ALWAYS happens in TV and movies. In fact, it happens so often that no one is real life would be so dumb, because TV has taught them that trick. Soloman gets out in time just before Agent Machado arrives.
Juliet arrives at the hospital. Catherine and Andrew have decided that Juliet should go to Miami, because it's safer. But (surprisingly) Juliet doesn't want to go with her crazy psycho of a mother. Catherine threatens Juliet again...and...I just don't get it. Juliet quivers like a little abused victim in every scene these days. Am I supposed to forget that she's crazy and evil? Juliet had no problem being horrible for 80% of this show. And now she can't even stand up for herself? I call buuuullshit on that.
TRS calls Henry and leaves him a voicemail. She says she's going to go to the hospital and tell Andrew everything about the Siobhan/Bridget switch. She's pretending she's doing this to prove her love to Henry (huh?) but really, she just hates that Bridget is happy when she's not.
Juliet leaves with her mother. And for some reason...of all the people, Juliet is mad at Siobhan. Even though Andrew and Catherine are the two who made that decision. Juliet sucks. Agent Machado arrives at a dry cleaner (!?) that is somehow associated with the tarot card he found. Really?
Henry better watch out. Being Horrible just became a CAPITAL CRIME.
TRS shows up at the hospital. Henry the Horrible, who got her message, stops her in time. Andrew gets a phone call that Juliet is missing. They think Olivia took Juliet since the paper they found is Juliet's school's address.
Siobhan, willingness to ruin others lives does not necessarily prove you love Henry.
Henry is back to sucking face with TRS again. WHHHHY?? And we get a flashback to Henry when he went to Tyler's hotel room. They fought, struggled and Tyler hit his head. Accidental murder! Why Henry is telling TRS this, I don't know. She is going to use this against him! Henry gave the flash-drive to his Father-In-Law.
BS remembers that Juliet was packing warm clothes. She finally realizes maybe Juliet ran away. And then...crime scene. WAIT, WHAT??! MALCOLM IS DEAD!!! I am calling shenanigans! Malcolm was the LEAST offensive person on this show. UHHHH. How could they KILL HIM??
BS finds Juliet at the beach house. She lectures Juliet on telling the truth...which is RICH. Juliet fesses up about the faux-rape. Will BS rat her out?
They return to New York to find Agent Machado at the apartment. WAIT, the body wasn't Malcolm. THANK GOD. It was one of Bodaway's agents. That's good. Malcolm could be alive. However, it WAS a Bodaway agent who was after BS. So even though she's pretending to be Siobhan, she isn't safe from Bodaway's men anymore. Wah wah.
That's it for this week! Basically...nothing happened. Our plot is at the exact same point we were at last week. Will BS FINALLY tell everyone the truth, now that Bodaway's men are after her anyway? Will BS spill the beans about crazy Juliet to Andrew? Does any of this even matter? Let me know!