Happy Monday morning, friends! Are you all recovering from your post-Hunger Games weekend stupor? Whatever will have have to look forward to now? I mean, besides your Monday morning Sense and Sensibility read-along? Oh wait, and you don't even have that, because this is the final installment. And as such, I've invited the cast and crew of this classic novel back to our studio for a reality TV staple: the cast reunion! Hosted by yours truly!
Sense and Sensibility, Ch 46-50
MEGAN NO H: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen! That was quite a season these crazy kids put on for us. Willoughby's love child and his shocking betrayal of Marianne! Edward Ferrars and his secret engagement with Lucy Steele. All leading up to two surprise weddings! It's been four months since filming ended. I know the audience is dying to get some questions answered and so am I. Elinor, how shocked were you to find out that Lucy had jilted Edward in favor of marrying his brother, Robert?
ELINOR: Quite shocked! Because, you see, our footman Thomas had run into the newly married Mrs. Ferrars and she had implied -
MEGAN NO H: RIGHT, yeah, me too! Totally shocked. I died! I couldn't believe that after everything that bitch Lucy -
MEGAN NO H: Lucy, if you speak when I'm not addressing you, I swear to god I'll cut off your mic. Now as I was saying, after everything that bitch Lucy did to tie Edward down? And then she goes and marries her brother? Un-fucking-believable.
ELINOR: Well, it was quite lucky for me. Edward was able to leave his engagement, guilt free and now we're together, happier than ever.
MEGAN NO H: Yeah, about that. I've been meaning to ask...Edward, what the fuck were you thinking?
MEGAN NO H: So you couldn't for the life of you BEAR the idea of hurting Lucy's feeling by doing the RIGHT thing and breaking off your engagement. Even though she is utterly heinous. Yet you had NO issue torturing Elinor, for months? Putting her through the pain of seeing you nearly married off to a manipulative little asshole?
EDWARD: Well, you see, there had never been a formal declaration of feelings on my part toward Elinor.
MEGAN NO H: OH NO, YOU DID NOT.
EDWARD: And, well, you see, I believed Lucy to be a kind-hearted young woman and being a man of my word -
MEGAN NO H: Okay, I'm going to end it right there. Your justifications are almost as bad as Willoughby's. Finally doing what's right in the end doesn't win you too many points with me. Moving on. Colonel Brandon, were you as surprised as the rest of us that Marianne finally relented and married you?
COLONEL BRANDON: Quite! And I couldn't be more pleased with the outcome. I do say I loved Marianne from the first moment I laid eyes on her. Her energy, spirit and beauty. Why, she reminds me of a girl I once knew...
MEGAN NO H: Yeah, about that. Constantly comparing the 17 year old girl you're macking on to your brother's dead wife is not exactly a panty peeler. But I will let that slide since you're pretty much the tolerable person here today. Well, you and Mrs. Jennings. Mrs Jennings, can I just say, that you are the most delightful lady around?
MRS. JENNINGS: Why thank you! That is so pretty of you.
MEGAN NO H: And anytime you want to take me to London and show me a good time, I am in. Seriously. I will go to all your parties, eat your food, hang out with all of your friends. And I will listen to your gossip AND enjoy it. Just saying. Offer on the table. Okay Lucy, back to you. Actually I really have nothing to say to you that's appropriate for daytime television. You are truly the worst. Just the worst.
LUCY: But that's not fair! I could tell Edward didn't love me anymore and -
MEGAN NO H: Oh my god, someone bounce this bitch! (BOUNCERS come in and remove MRS. LUCY FERRARS from the stage) Thank you, much better.
MARGARET: Please, if you don't mind - I'd like to say something.
MEGAN NO H: Excuse me, yes? Who are you?
MARGARET: Why, I'm the other Dashwood sister!
MEGAN NO H: No dear, I'm pretty sure I know what Elinor looks like.
MARGARET: Not Elinor, not Marianne, I'm the third Dashwood sister.
MEGAN NO H: Wait, wait, are you trying to tell me there are three Dashwood sisters??
MARGARET: Yes, well, you see, I'm the youngest and child labor laws restrict the number of hours I can be filmed and -
MEGAN NO H: Look sweetie, I'm sorry to cut you off, but no one actually cares about you. We have precious little reunion time and we haven't even gotten to talk to Willoughby yet. Willoughby!
WILLOUGHBY: Why, yes?
MEGAN NO H: I'm just gonna say this...you have some fucking nerve. After impregnating a girl...after leading Marianne on...you have the nerve to expect people to feel sorry for you?
WILLOUGHBY: Well, I just feel so terribly. I mean, not Eliza or Marianne can feel quite as badly as I do. Things are really so much harder for me than for them. I mean, they might have to live with the consequences of what I did to them. But that isn't nearly as hard as living with the guilt. Ahhh, the guilt!
MEGAN NO H: You are seriously every fucking guy in the history of time, who has dumped a girl and then had the nerve to feel sorry for YOURSELF because it was just so hard for you to have to see the pain you put her through. I can't even. Bounce him!
WILLOUGHBY: It's not my fault...I would have never been satisfied being poor! (Two BOUNCERS grab him roughly by the shoulders and pull him out of his chair) I need my horses!!
MEGAN NO H: Well that's all the time we have for today. Join us next week for whatever exciting Monday Morning Fun we come up with next!