Well if it isn't that one hour a week I manage to turn on my television. Also known as...Ringer time! Now that sentence actually came off sounding kind of snobby. Like, I'm too good for TV. Which, nothing could be further from the truth. These days I'm just too lazy for TV. Many of you think that TV is the laziest -- that being too lazy for TV just can't be possible. But seriously, I have to find not just one, but two remotes. Turn it on. Change the channel (well...okay, maybe not, since it's always on the CW). And like...watch commercials! The horror. Yes, Netflix has made me lazier than I ever believed possible.
But I'm also unmotivated to watch Ringer because I am super busy playing the sort of terrible Hunger Games Adventure facebook browser game that is currently in Beta. Why would I want to watch crazy twins when I can...set animal traps and...pick apples, or milk a goat. And no, those are not euphemisms. Anyway, you came here to hear interesting things like...uhh...Ponzi schemes. And how horrible Henry is this week. So let's get to that!
Henry the Horrible is in an interrogation room. Andrew is making out with someone. Is it Catherine? Isssh! I can't tell, I wasn't paying attention and these scenes are happening too fast! A sniper has Bridget (?) in his sight. One of the twins is shot!? Oh dang! Whoa, is stuff actually going to HAPPEN in this episode?! Okay...just to recap -- the beginning of our episode just gave us some teasers for what's going to happen at the end of the episode. I find myself intrigued...against my better judgment!
Back to the end of last week's episode where Agent Machado is at the penthouse. He thinks that Bodaway believes Siobhan is Bridget (which...is true). So it's possible more hit men will be sent after her. Machado will post men to guard Siobhan. But Andrew thinks he's not doing a good enough job at protecting them and that he will probably get her killed. Considering Bridget is the main character of the show...I find it very likely that she will survive, just fine.
"Siobhan, after your tenth run in with a hit man, I'm starting to think that...someone MAY be trying to kill you."
Henry tries to convince The Real Siobhan (TRS) to end her scheming and revenging. Unlikely! He wants them to start a life together. A life...with Henry the Horrible and his two red-headed step children? I can't even imagine.
Bridget-as-Siobhan (BS) wants Juliet to tell Andrew about her faux rape scheme. Juliet rightfully points out that now is really not the time. Let the dude get his Ponzi scheme in order first! And heal from that bullet wound! BS tries to get a hold of Jimmy, the dirty cop. When she finds out he is in prison for Bodaway's murders, she realizes that he tricked her into not testifying. Looks like BS might finally testify. TESTIFY!
Flashback to when Agent Machado asks stripper Bridget to testify. He asks her to do it for Sheylenne, AKA his (now deceased) pregnant stripper girlfriend. Current day Machado is staked out outside of the criminal drycleaners. Machado sees some thug coming out. He finds his money and asks him to give him info on Bodaway. Machado proceeds to beat the shit out of the thug. Good for him.
What does it say that Bridget's "stripper look" closely resembles my preferred fashion styling when I was in college?
Juliet goes to Catherine's hotel room. Juliet tells Catherine to buy Andrew's Palm Spring's property so it stays in the family. Andrew's poor, etc, etc, I don't care.
Henry the Horrible is confronted by Gemma's Daddy. He wants to know about the Martin-Charles data. It's unclear whether Gemma Daddy is going to blow the lid off or not.
Bodaway is talking to that other jerky FBI agent whose name I never bothered to learn. Apparently the dead guy they found last week (who I shall call not-Malcolm) wasn't working for Bodaway anymore. So the trail is cold...or something. I don't really know how FBI investigations work and I'm guessing neither do the writers of this show. Jerky guy fires Machado. Poor Machado and his eyeliner.
For some reason Catherine goes to meet Andrew's potential buyer for the Palm Springs property. She finds out the property is worth more money than Andrew realizes. I really have no idea what Catherine is up to. This lady...what is her end game? Ya know, besides acquire more money than I could ever possibly spend.
Sarah Michelle! You have got some good lookin' gams!
BS meets up with former-Agent Machado, who is a few drinks in. She offers to pretend to be Bridget and testify against Bodaway. BS finally puts it together than Machado loved her stripper friend Shaylenne.
Mom from Awkward here to let us know that strippin' ain't easy.
Catherine offers to buy the Palm Springs property. Luckily Andrew is no dummy (for once) and realizes the land is worth way more. Andrew and Catherine proceed to start drinking together and NO WAY this ends well. Catherine proceeds to make-out with Andrew. And he KISSES her back?! What...the...butt. Catherine is NO Sarah Michelle Geller. That is just too gross. WHY!? But her drunken kiss worked...he may sell her the Palm Springs property.
Machado tries to convince BS that they should pretend Bridget is dead. To get Bodaway to stop going after her. TRS is...going to shoot Bridget? Is this real life? No. Of course not. TRS has a dream...vision (?) of her killing Bridget. So I take it Siobhan is still mad?
Catherine finds Andrew with the potential Palm Springs buyer. Turns out Juliet DID tell him about the faux rape. So they tricked Catherine into buying the property for way more than it was worth. Andrew threatens Catherine to get the fuck outta town. Hopefully that awful woman is finally off the show for good.
"Ummm Daddy? So...I kinda pretended someone raped me and stole 10 million dollars from you. Forgivemeplz?"
The police show up and take Henry the Horrible to the police station. They want to question him about Tyler. Wah wah!
Machado and BS set up her fake death scene. Except...a REAL sniper is watching them. Horrible Henry is at the police station. Turns out Gemma's Daddy turned him in! I wonder if he thinks Henry had something to do with Gemma's death!? Let's pin that murder on him too!
Machado and BS go to some abandoned loft to set up their fake death scene. Turns out the guy who they think shot Andrew (known as not-Malcolm) died a few days before Andrew's shooting took place. So there's a killer on the loose. And he shows up. Shots are fired. BS is shot in the chest. Except...she's not. She used her fake blood from their fake snuff video. Machado took him out. Turns out it was that dude from forever ago. The guy who was looking for the phone that came from the other hit man. So many hit men to keep track of!
And...OH MY GOD, TURNS OUT horrible Catherine was behind the original hit on Siobhan!!! It wasn't Olivia at all! For once, I actually did not see that coming. Not in the slightest. Oh man, what did you all think? Were you surprised that Catherine was even crazier than we thought? We knew she was crazy...but murder crazy? And where's Malcolm? And will Bridget ever testify? And will Horrible Henry go to prison for Tyler's murder? AND WILL ANYONE, EVER, FINALLY REALIZE THAT SIOBHAN IS STILL ALIVE???