OH SECRET CIRCLE. Last week, you went loco! There were dead birds and Cassie and Adam broke up and Jake had nothing on but underwear and IT WAS ALL SO AMAZING. I found myself thinking, "Maybe... maybe... maybe this show is getting good? Like in an unhinged soap opera kinda way?" Then, last night, as I clicked on the remote to turn my TV on, I had the strangest feeling. It took me a minute to identify it, and then I realized: I was actually looking forward to watching this show! THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
But then, of course, The Secret Circle totally blew it. AS IT ALWAYS DOES. How could I have been so foolish? Why did I get my hopes up only to have them dashed by Adam's Smurf face? WHY DO I TORTURE MYSELF LIKE THIS?
Well, misery loves company, so if you tuned in last night, let me know your thoughts in the comments so I don't have to feel so alone in my suffering. Also, I recommend drinking every time someone says or uses "Dark Magic." Or, you know, any time you feel like you might die from the heinousness of this show.
Coffee shop, aka Witch's Brew! There's poppy music playing, just in case we've forgotten that we're watching a show on the CW. Waitress Cassie runs into Adam, who still doesn't love her anymore. YES! Good. V. v. good. Let's keep it this way, show. Melissa and Faye are watching, and while Melissa feels like it's totally tragic, Faye, as usual, is totally right on with her straight talk. "I'm grateful that I never have to see Adam bat his over-size lashes at her over-size head again." DOUBLE TRUE, FAYE. Double. True. Oh, how I wish I had stopped watching this episode right after that, because it's all downhill from here.
Adam (Smurf Face) tells the gals that the school's hockey team is having their awards dinner at the Boathouse Grill (Joe's Magic Shack), and he needs servers because his dad, Drunk Bartender, is gone, having been totally freaked out by John Blackwell, aka Sully. So wait, let me get this straight. Drunk Bartender is gone, so all of the staff is gone? Or was Drunk Bartender going to serve the entire hockey team by himself? Also, WHY DO I KEEP TRYING TO MAKE THIS SHOW MAKE SENSE? Anyway, Melissa and Faye both volunteer to help out.
Forest! There's a blonde dude in a hoodie running through the woods! OMG IS THIS THE HUNGER GAMES? Watch out for Cato, dude! Oh, wait, that's not Cato, it's Evan, the witch hunter dude! He's back!
Sully stops by Witch's Brew to share a father-daughter moment with Cassie. She admits that she hasn't told anyone that the elixir didn't work on her. To make her feel better, Sully suggests they go mini-golfing! ADORABLE! I hope they use magic to cheat on that tricky windmill hole.
Set-up montage at Joe's Magic Shack! Adam brings Diana a glass of champers, and, oh wait. It's not champers. FALSE ALARM PEOPLE. It's ginger ale, lame! And it's from Australian Grant, also lame! Australian Grant asks Diana to hang out with him for the afternoon, so she tells Smurf Face she has to bail. He gets a little jealous (SUCK IT, SMURF FACE), and Diana's just like, "Peace out, bish!" LOVE IT.
Whoah, Hunger Games Hoodie Dude (HGHD) is in Jake's bedroom! They start fighting, and once again, Cassie conveniently sees shizz go down through her window and rushes over. She uses her DARK MAGIC (drink!) to throw HGHD against the wall. Apparently, he's a witch hunter, but he's come to Jake for help. He needs to speak to Sully! Ok, um, what is up with this guy's accent? Anyone? Maybe he's from the Capitol. Anyway, he tells them that the witch hunters (led by Eben-- side note: I thought his name was Evan, but then when I was looking for photos online I realized it's Eben. SILLY ME, thinking he would have a normal name!) are trying to kill him, because he knows that Eben is planning on resurrecting demons. I think this is supposed to be a dramatic reveal but the only thing making me nervous is the low level of wine remaining in my bottle.
Hockey party! The boys are totally macking on Faye and Melissa, reminding us that oh yeah, these people are teenagers who go to school. Sometimes. Faye and Melissa both have their eye on the same guy, Kyle, and Melissa asks Adam to help her USE MAGIC to charm him. All of a sudden, Melissa knows tons of shizz about hockey, and the whole table ends up staring at her. Yes, see, this is EXACTLY how you should be using magic if you're a teenage witch. MORE OF THIS PLEASE, SHOW.
Ice skating rink! Australian Grant broke in so he and Diana could have a romantic date. He's bragging about how tough his upbringing was but... you're ice skating, dude. I'm sorry, but unless you're D.B. Sweeney, there is nothing badass about that. Australian Grant keeps talking about his boat, and he asks Diana to go with him! Somewhere! They kiss, but then he slips on the ice. TOE PICK.
Meanwhile, Sully busts into the house and demands to meet Hunger Games Hoodie Dude. He passes Jake and Cassie then closes the door to be SECRETIVE. HGHD tells him that Eben is working with a witch to raise demons, but he doesn't know where the witch is. Eben is planning on summoning demons at Harbor Woods, which is apparently what Sully did 16 years ago! I find myself... not caring. Eben's plan, like Sully's, is to give the demons bodies so they can be his army.
Back to the hockey party! Yes! I love how there are absolutely NO adults here, like not even the coach or chaperones or anything. Faye complains to Adam about helping Melissa "magic flirt," so Adam agrees to be fair and help Faye as well. She finds Kyle throwing darts, so she throws one and hits the bull's eye. Then she helps Kyle do the same. Meanwhile, Smurf Face making a "magic face" is the grossest thing I've seen since, well, since the last episode, when he was making his "love face."
At the house, Cassie asks Sully if he really did summon demons. He confesses that he did, but he said he never killed an innocent-- the Blackwell DARK MAGIC (drink!) is enough. He tells her that he wanted the demons to protect the circle, but then Cassie's mom (Teen Mom) trapped the demons before they could harm the circle. So either Sully is really dumb, or... ok, yeah, the only option is that Sully is really dumb.
Hockey party! Oh shizz, girls show up! And one of them is Kyle's girlfriend! Adam gets all up in his face for flirting with Faye and Melissa, but hello, they were the ones doing the magic flirting! Kyle is the victim here. Also, Smurf Face, you should not be messing with a hockey dude, because unlike you, he has upper body strength. OH DANG, Adam hits him! But unfortunately, they're pulled apart before Kyle can, you know, kill Smurf Face and immediately improve this show by at least 50%.
Faye and Melissa follow Adam down to the basement. He's on edge! Because he lost Cassie, and he can't remember what it felt like to love her! GROSS! Then all three of them have a sad about their lost loves. ACTING!
This photo is actually from much later in the episode, but I just really needed Jake to cleanse my mind from Adam's "magic face."
In order to stop Evan, Cassie tells the circle to meet up at the Requisite LJ Smith House of Disrepair Set Far Away in the Woods. But she can't get a hold of Diana, so she goes off to look for her. Cassie, is it really a good idea to go somewhere by yourself when there are demon-raising witch hunters out there? Wait, I don't care if you die, so, please GO RIGHT AHEAD.
At the marina, Diana surprises Australian Grant by showing up to take him up on his boat ride offer. But, ruh-roh, he admits that the boat isn't his. He's just one of the crew! OH THE SHAME. Also, why would he lie about this? And WHY ARE SUPPOSED TO CARE?
Sully and Hunger Games Hoodie Dude are walking through a field, but oh snap, they're not going to the Requisite LJ Smith House of Disrepair Set Far Away in the Woods! Sully says it's too dangerous, so he wants to leave the circle out of it. And then we see that HGHD has a demon tape worm in his hand! Oh gross demon tape worm, how I have not missed you.
Diana is angsting over Australian Grant's lies at Witch's Brew and ignoring Cassie's calls. Cassie finds her and throws a hissy fit, and Diana says, "Faye's right, you ARE a drama queen." SCORE ONE FOR DIANA. Cassie can't understand why Diana doesn't consider her to be the center of the universe like everyone else does, and then she explains what's happening so Diana comes along.
At the Requisite LJ Smith House of Disrepair Set Far Away in the Woods, the circle has assembled, and they're all complaining about the reappearance of the demon tape worms. Cassie realizes that Sully isn't coming, because he's trying to protect them, so they leave to find him. LOGIC!
Random abandoned playground! In the middle of nowhere! Sully is trying to beat Evan to the punch and starts drawing symbols in the dirt. Turns out, these symbols don't protect Hunger Games Hoodie Dude-- they trap him! Because he's got a demon inside! Duh, Sully, we know this already. Apparently, the symbols will draw the demon out of HGHD, but before that can happen, Eben shows up. He admits that he wants to use the demons to kill the witches, and then he uses MAGIC to throw Sully against an old fence. Then he takes out a knife! Oh the danger! Of dying! From boredom!
The circle shows up, and Jake stupidly smudges the symbols on the ground when he tries to attack/help(?) HGHD. He's freed from the circle in the dirt, and he starts walking using the patented "I Have a Demon Inside Me Walk." Wait, my mistake, it's just the "I'm a Bad Actor Walk." The circle tries to stop him, but their power isn't big enough, so Cassie unleashes her DARK MAGIC (drink)! She shoots a flame out of a stick (Really?!) and lights him on fire, but fire don't stop demon tapeworms, honey! HGHD picks her up by her neck, but then Sully stops him by offering up himself. Oh, I get it. THE SACRIFICE. Except HGHD just got pranked, cos Sully reveals the burned symbol on his hand and makes HGHD explode (drink)! But not before he has one more chance for some supremely terrible acting!
Then Eben catches... the demon dust... in his hand? Or something? I guess he got the demon tape worm? Watch out, dude, because now your acting is going to go from bad to TERRIBLE. That's how the demon magic works.
Sully tells the circle to let Eben go, and now they all know he has magic! Cassie wants to know why he lied, and he says, "How could I convince you to stop using your magic if I was using mine? I was just trying to protect you from the dangers of DARK MAGIC." That line deserves two drinks, one for the DARK MAGIC mention and one for being too lame for me to process without my brain soaked in alcohol.
Back at the Requisite LJ Smith House of Disrepair Set Far Away in the Woods, dramatic music is playing! Because Sully is giving an inspiring speech about how hundreds of witches have been killed, and it's high time the remaining ones stood up and fought! "They just found new reasons to hate us. New ways to kills us, and now, now they've got demons. This war has to end now! We can't just sit back and be victims." Dude, you are no Coach Taylor, let me tell you.
Sully tells them that each family has a crystal, and, if bound together, the crystals create the most powerful magic in existence. Once they have this power, they can take down Eben. I really have to hand it to Sully for getting through this entire speech with a straight face. Because THIS IS HILARIOUS. Like, seriously, WOW.
"Clear eyes... full hearts... and, um, dang it, I forgot how that last part goes."
Australian Grant is waiting for Diana to come home. SWIMFAN ALERT. He apologizes and tells her that he was just trying to impress her. Remind me of the purpose of this storyline again? I mean, unless Australian Grant turns out to be a witch or a witch hunter or, even better, A UNICORN, I just don't the point. He asks for one more day to earn back her trust, and she reluctantly agrees.
Smurf Face pulls up to Cassie's house to drop her off. She obviously wants this to be a lovey dovey moment, but IT'S NOT. IT CAN'T BE. OR I WILL UNLEASH THE DARK MAGIC OF MY ANGER. Adam admits that he's changed his mind about Sully-- he likes him now. He says they need to stay focused on their enemies, and nothing else matters. Nothing... like loving Cassie? THANK YOU. Cassie is bummed but I AM NOT.
Back at the abandoned playground, Sully is digging. He opens up a coffin! And there's a skeleton inside! And... that's the cliffhanger? Dude, we've all seen skeletons before. On many other shows. And also in my AP Bio class in high school. NOT SHOCKING.
Looks like we get a reprieve from the lameness until April 19th, when the circle finds out that Sully and Principal Lesbian Lover (PLL) dated back in the day! And also Faye and Cassie might be sisters? This was hinted at before, but if it's true, I feel really, really bad for Faye.
So, y'all, what did you think? Feel free to rant/WTF/sigh in the comments!
Next episode: "Crystal"