THE WORST THING IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD JUST HAPPENED TO ME. I had convinced myself, for weeks, that tonight was the season finale of Ringer. Until about halfway through this episode. When I found it there are still two more weeks yet. TWO MORE WEEKS?! Why did I erroneously believe it was over? Why didn't anyone spare me the shock? Who knows. But now I am brining you the recap of just a regular episode and not the (what I'm assuming will be) batshit finale. *cries salty tears*
Our new episode starts out by reminding us of what went down at the end of last week's episode - Andrew got back the money Catherine got from convincing Juliet to participate in the fake rape scandal. A hit man almost killed Bridget-as-Siobhan (BS), but the twist was that he wasn't after Bridget, he was really after Siobhan. Because crazy ex-wife Catherine hired him to off Siobhan.
Andrew finds Catherine in his house (dude...you have SERIOUSLY got to change your locks. No excuses!) She is crying and has possibly slit her wrists. I'm certain it's a fake out because Catherine would never be so kind as to off herself for us. I would be pissed if I were Andrew because she got blood ALL over him. Gross.
At the hospital because (SHOCKER!) Catherine has survived. Juliet calls her out on her stunt and stands up for herself. A psychiatrist goes up to Andrew and explains that Catherine nearly died. The cuts were that bad and she doesn't think it was a fake out. Or...MAYBE Catherine paid this lady to say this. That would be WAY less crazy than most of the shit Catherine's pulled. The psychiatrist says Catherine either has to be in some sort of assisted living situation or be committed. COMMIT HER! THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE.
The police have a witness (the hotel maid) tying Henry the Horrible to the scene of the crime for Tyler's murder. BS is meeting with ex-Agent Machado. She wants him to help her find who has the hit on her. But that is super boring because the AUDIENCE ALREADY KNOWS THE ANSWER.
"Who could possibly want ME dead?"
Henry the Horrible posts bail and goes home. The Real Siobhan (TRS) tells Henry that his red-headed twins were taken away by Child Protective Services. Juliet, who is a bigger flip-flopper than any politician I've seen, now is feeling sorry for Catherine. REALLY? She actually asks if it was THEIR FAULT that their mom tried to kill herself. Juliet, I swear to god, I am going to slap you in the mouth so hard. Stop being so fucking malleable.
Horrible Henry wants to get his kids back. Turns out his Daddy-In-Law was the one who called CPS. TRS goes to find the maid who is the witness for Tyler's murder. She bribes her with some cash-money. I can't believe the maid is going to take it. It's a MURDER. She should take the money and STILL testify.
Henry the Horrible shows up at Daddy-In-Laws house. Daddy-In-Law is playing with his red-headed grandchildren. Daddy-In-Law hired an investigator to dig up dirt on Henry. Shockingly, he found out that Henry is horrible! Including, finding out about his affair with Siobhan.
"Siobhan, we must prepare for the coming zombie apocalypse."
BS goes to the police station. Turns out TRS bribed the maid to say that BS bribed her?? So, TRS is trying to pin the murder on BS? Clever girl. Juliet goes to the hospital. She and Catherine have a conversation that isn't even worth repeating. They are both worthless humans.
Machado confronts some dude who is somehow connected to the tarot card drycleaner of death. Machado thinks this dude is some sort of hit man middle man. A hittle man. Heh. But can Machado prove it? He probably won't be able to get a warrant in time. TRS and Horrible Henry find out the maid turned on them. So, turning the tables on Bridget WASN'T in the plans. They didn't mean for the maid to rat Siobhan out. And therefore TRS is WAY less clever than I gave her credit for.
Juliet wants Andrew to pay for a nurse to take care of Catherine. But in the meantime, Catherine will have to stay with them. Oh yeah...let the lady who ADMITTED to wanting to kill herself in front of Andrew JUST TO PUNISH HIM stay in his house. Grrrrrrreeeeeat idea. Meanwhile, Machado is illegally breaking into that criminal dude's house. He finds the guy's murder desk. There are pictures of Siobhan. Machado opens a padlocked freezer and (of course) finds a frozen dead body. Life lesson -- don't open padlocked freezers, ever!
BS busts into Henry the Horrible's house and nearly runs into TRS. BS asks him why the hell she's being accused of bribing some maid. She suspects Henry may truly be responsible for Tyler's death.
BS and Machado try and unravel the mystery behind the original hit on Bridget. It has to be someone with access to her penthouse because of how the hit man's phone went missing. If they find fingerprints on the phone, they can figure out who put out the hit. Or something? Truly, I wasn't really paying attention. I was eating green beans at the time and it was taking up most of my concentration.
"What, this glass? It is most certainly NOT filled with poison!"
Fast forward and Machado has figured out that it's Catherine who is trying to get Siobhan killed. But of course he can't get a hold of BS. And no one is home but BS and crazy Catherine. And it's too late, because Catherine has poisoned/drugged BS. Yeeeeah...Catherine. There are these things called autopsies and toxicology reports and YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE HOME. Oh, except she poisoned her with medication, so it will look like an OD. Okay, MAYBE that will work.
AND THAT'S IT! The previews for next week are all about Catherine trying to drown BS. Which is ABSURD because Bridget CAN'T BE KILLED since SHE IS THE MAIN CHARACTER. So don't try and "scare" us with a death we KNOW CAN'T HAPPEN. So what did you guys think? And who is your least favorite character this week? My vote's for Juliet!