Previous episode: "Sacrifice"
Holla at me, my witches! Secret Circle is back, and damn, I wish I was watching Dance Academy instead. But hey, on the bright side, there’s only two eps left of SC after this one! I know this because the CW keeps telling me about it, and while I suspect that their intended effect is to make me wonder how I will ever survive the summer without this show, I’m actually BEYOND RELIEVED.
So let’s get this recap over with, shall we? I hope all of you drank as liberally during this episode as I did, because otherwise, this post won’t make sense. HA HA JUST KIDDING, this show makes even less sense when you’re sober.
Poppy music! I don’t know about you guys, but I love to pump up the jams when I’m rifling through someone’s private belongings. And that’s exactly what Faye and Melissa are doing! They’re trying to find out where Principal Lesbian Lover (PLL) hid the family crystal, but instead of finding a cheesy looking glass prop, Faye finds her mom’s diary from 1994. She starts to read it and discovers that PLL was totes crushing on John Blackwell, aka Sully! Hmm, perhaps PLL isn’t the best nickname for Dawn. Well, TOO LATE NOW.
Over at the Requisite LJ Smith House of Disrepair Set Far Away in the Woods, Adam and Jake are busy researching witch history. Dudes, here’s a little pro-tip: all you have to do is read The Crucible! Piece of cake! They still only have Cassie’s family crystal, and Faye decides to test it out by breaking all of the glass nearby with MAGIC. Seriously, how does this house still have any windows intact? Sully shows up and gets pissed that Faye is wasting the crystal’s energy. Damn, he is a terrible actor. Then again, if I had to say lines like “You’ll drain the power of the crystal,” I probably wouldn’t be clamoring for an Oscar. Sully suggests that the Circle split up and search the houses of their grandparents. Cassie tells him that Teen Grandma is finally coming home, and she really wants the two of them to get along. Wait, so does this mean that Cassie, a teenage girl, will actually be living with an adult guardian again? SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.
Hey look, Australian Grant is still around! And he brought flowers for Diana to thank her for overlooking the fact that he totally lied about owning a boat just to impress her, when really, all he had to do to wow her was not be Adam, aka Smurf Face. Diana asks if they can reschedule their date, because she has to deal with this crystal shizz, but Australian Grant is shipping out the next day. Melissa and Smurf Face agree to proceed without Diana so she can take advantage of this hot date.
Melissa walks outside and encounters… Skeezy Drug Dealer! Oh shizz! I thought we got rid of his storyline when Voodoo Cat Hat Brian died (RIP). Skeezy Drug Dealer (SDD) is just as skeezy as ever, but Melissa is not putting up with that shizz. Can I say again how much I love empowered Melissa? Jake shows up to defend Melissa (like she needs it), and SDD calls him a Ken Doll. GOOD ONE, SSD. They start to fight but Melissa breaks it up with her girl power. Zigga-zig-AH!
Cassie arrives home to find Teen Grandma, back a day early! Teen Grandma is still anti-Sully but she promises Cassie she’ll try to get along with him. Oh Teen Grandma, it’s great to have you back, because Cassie is in serious need of some parenting. Except… ok, she’s going out, and you have no idea where she’s going! So much for the whole authority figure thing.
Jake and Cassie are sitting in the truck, waiting for Faye, and he asks her why she chose to go with him to look for the crystal instead of Smurf Face. Dude. Obviously, the answer is because you’re HOTTER! Oh wait, no, that’s just my answer. Cassie is obvs uncomfortable hanging out with Smurf Face since the elixir didn’t nix her feelings for him. UGH WHATEVER. Just in time to distract me from vomming, SSD shows up on a motorcycle and starts following them!
Meanwhile, Smurf Face and Melissa find a ton of crystals at her grandmother’s house. I’m guessing crystals are, like, a witch’s version of Beanie Babies?
For this expression alone, I will always love Melissa.
Over at Jake’s grandfather’s house, Jake, Faye and Cassie USE MAGIC to unlock the door, and they find the cabin full of notes and drawings and clippings tacked to the wall. This is some serious X-files shizz right here. Cassie even finds a list with all of the Circle’s names and birth dates listed. She starts taking pictures, and Jake mentions that his grandfather is obsessed with the end of the world. Ya think? I’d also like to point out that Faye is being cutely snarky in this scene. Thank you, Faye, for making at least 30 seconds of this episode enjoyable.
Sully is waiting for Diana’s dad, Harry Hamlin Lite (HHL) outside of the Boathouse Grill (Joe’s Magic Shack). HHL is still pissed about the boat fire, and Sully tells him they could have defeated the witch hunters if the Circle had just stayed together. He also claims that he has no idea how HHL’s wife died, and they stare each other down in some kind of macho-off. HHL, I would advise you to back off… I mean, have you SEEN Sully on Dr. Quinn? Dude is CUT.
Suddenly, Jake’s grandfather arrives back at the cabin and USES MAGIC to push the table, pinning Cassie, Faye and Jake against the wall. HOLY SHIZZ JAKE’S GRANDFATHER IS Q! From Star Trek: The Next Generation! YES! This show may not know how to cast hot guys, but at least they’ve managed to mine my cherished childhood television programs for out of work actors.
HHL shows up at Cassie’s house, and it looks like he and Teen Grandma are working together to block Sully’s power! And they want to kill him too? With witch cruet, of course. I swear to God, if I have to see another Glade candle jar of witch cruet, I WILL USE MAGIC TO TURN OFF MY TELEVISION AND NEVER WATCH THIS SHOW AGAIN.
Over at the Conspiracy Cabin, Q tells the kids that 18 familes escaped from the Salem Witch Trials and split into three Circles. One of those Circles ended up, of course, in Chance Harbor. He claims that Sully fed the Circle lies about their power, and all he wanted was to make babies with Balcoin blood so the Circle would be dark. Btw, the dramatic music in this scene is AMAZ. Q refuses to give Cassie the crystal and says it’s hidden and protected. He also mentions that when the crystals are put together, they form a skull. Wait, a CRYSTAL SKULL? Uh, Secret Circle writers, you know that idea bombed even with Indiana Jones, right?
Diana and Australian Grant are getting ready for their “perfect date,” but Melissa shows up and begs Diana for help in finding the actually magic crystal from the bag of crystals they found at her grandmother’s house. They meet up with Adam in the garage and USE MAGIC to locate the crystal, but then Australian Grant shows up and they do a really heinous job of lying to him. Hey witches, here’s a pro-tip: If you need to make a lie convincing, WHY DON’T YOU JUST USE MAGIC?
Meanwhile, Faye shows Cassie and Jake her mom’s diary and confesses that she thinks Sully might be her dad. They hear a window break, and Q exclaims that someone stole his map to the mine where he hides his crystal! Wow, really? You keep a map up on your wall that leads someone to a SECRET HIDING PLACE? You do know what “secret” means, right? Turns out that Skeezy Drug Dealer stole the map, but thankfully, Cassie took a picture of it. She sends it to Melissa and Smurf Face so they can try to beat SDD to the cave. Q and Jake share a tender hug, and Faye is obviously stoked about the possibility that she has DARK MAGIC inside of her.
Back to the “perfect date”! Of course! Because this storyline totally fits in with the rest of the show! It doesn’t halt the momentum of the plot at all! But at least there’s a gorgeous view to behold. Diana gets a text from Melissa asking for help, and she apologizes to Australian Grant for ruining their date. Wait, WHY is she apologizing to him? He’s the one that has the liar liar pants on fire! Australian Grant does himself no favors by saying, “At least when I was lying it was to be with you more.” WHY DOES EVERY GUY ON THIS SHOW SUCK LAME BALLS? Diana kisses him anyway, and I guess I can take a small comfort in the fact that she’s not kissing Smurf Face.
Speaking of Smurf Face, he and Melissa arrive at the mine, and of course, it’s abandoned. Oh show, you’re so cute when you try to be spooky. Smurf Face realizes that it’s an iron ore mine, so their magic won’t work. That’s ok, because YOU GUYS NEVER USE IT ANYWAY. Melissa finds the light box and turns it on, because she is actually smart.
Sully arrives at Teen Grandma’s house, and HHL creeps up behind him and paralyzes him with a crystal. Before she lights the cruet to kill Sully, Teen Grandma demands to know the truth about what happened to her daughter, Teen Mom.
"Does it smell like fish to anyone in here? Let me just light this cruet and it will release a zesty spring scent!"
Over at the mine, Smurf Face is doing a TERRIBLE job of navigating the map, but they still manage to reach a deep shaft where the crystal is apparently hidden. Smurf Face decides to swing across on a rope and he… wow, ok, he just found the crystal! That easily? Q, I already know you were bad at hiding things but this is like a four-year-old playing hide ‘n’ seek and pretending to be a tree. Skeezy Drug Dealer shows up, and Melissa and Smurf Face run away… right into SDD’s flashlight! GASP! SDD knows he can’t use the crystal– he just wants to sell it. Ebay, suckas! Smurf Face tries to overpower him in a laughable display of manhood, and Melissa ends up giving the crystal to SDD so he’ll leave them alone. I’m really hoping she gave him one of her grandmother’s fake ones but maybe my expectations for these characters are a wee bit high.
The rest of the Circle arrives at the mine, but Cassie discovers that she can’t enter because of the spell Q cast against her DARK MAGIC. Faye, because she is crazy cakes, decides to let SDD almost run her over with his motorcyle so she can access her DARK MAGIC. At the last second, Diana pushes her out of the way, and Cassie uses her DARK MAGIC to make his motorcycle flip over.
Back at Cassie’s house, Sully swears he doesn’t know anything about Teen Mom’s death, and the crystal indicates that he’s telling the truth. Seriously, is there anything this crystal can’t do? I mean, besides making this show watchable? HHL is totes pissed, and he decides to light the cruet… AND IT KILLS TEEN GRANDMA! Oh no! Not a character that we’ve barely seen on the show! How can we possibly imagine her never making another appearance? How will Cassie cope without having a strong, steady maternal figure in her life?
Sully explains what happened to HHL– when he was at the house alone, he found the cruet and replaced it so that it would kill Teen Grandma if she tried to kill him. Then he tells HHL that he still has use for him. Poor HHL. He’s always gotta be somebody’s butt monkey!
At the mine, the boys mark SDD so they’ll know if he ever comes back to Chance Harbor. And… that’s it? That’s all they’re gonna do? ANTICLIMACTIC!
Later that night, at the Requisite LJ Smith House of Disrepair Set Far Away in the Woods, Faye finds Sully with a crystal (the one he took from HHL) and shows him PLL’s diary. Sully tells her that nothing ever happened between them, and Faye is obvs bummed that she doesn’t get to have DARK MAGIC. Then Sully gives her a little fatherly pep talk about how great her dad was. Wow, epIsode. ENOUGH WITH THE TOUCHING MOMENTS.
Cassie shows up at Diana’s house, and Diana tells her she wants to take a break from the Circle. Girl, I understand! These people suck! At the same time, folks have been dying, and Diana’s all, “But I want the perfect date! WHINE!” Cassie asks why Diana didn’t make it into the mine to help Melissa and Smurf Face, and Diana admits that she couldn’t breath when she tried to enter. Just like Cassie. Which means… they’re HALF SISTERS!
Aaaand… nobody cares.
Two episodes left, huh? And the next one features a haunted carnival? And Faye and Jake making out? Great. Just great.
So what did y’all think? Did anyone else suffer through this entire episode? DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE IN MY MISERY.