Previous episode: "Crystal"
As you may have heard by now, The Secret Circle is probably getting renewed for a second season. In other news, the world just exploded from LACK OF SENSE. I mean, WHAT? How is it possible for epic television like My So-Called Life and Freaks and Geeks to get cancelled after one season, but a show about teenage witches who never actually USE THEIR POWERS gets a second chance? I mean, the only logical explanation is DARK MAGIC. Obviously.
Well, whether or not this show gets renewed, I can tell you right now: we won’t be recapping it next season. And since I will be out of town next Thursday, forcing Megan to sacrifice herself to the CW gods, that means this is my LAST TIME TO WRITE ABOUT THIS SHOW. I say that with a tremendous amount of emotion, and by emotion, I mean relief. So let’s get this over with!
The show begins with a slow mo shot of Cassie at Teen Grandma’s wake. Why do I get the feeling that this is yet another attempt by the show to pretend it’s Buffy? SECRET CIRCLE. YOU ARE NOT BUFFY. And there is no way you could even BEGIN to replicate the deeply emotional complexity of the episode after Buffy’s mom dies. SO STOP TRYING and just console yrself with the fact that at least Dawn isn’t on yr show.
Cassie talks to Diana about their potential sisterhood, and Diana is not happy about being a spawn of Sully (Blackwell). Jake bursts into the house and starts shouting about how he’s going to take down the witch hunters (who are blamed for killing Teen Grandma), and Faye tries to calm him down. “There are sad, fragile old people here. Let’s not give them a heart attack.” Faye, you are the one thing I will miss about this show. Well, ok, besides Jake’s hotness and Melissa’s Spice Girl attitude.
Meanwhile, Faye’s mom, Principal Lesbian Lover (PLL) asks Sully for her powers back so she can “help.” Riiight, right.
Cassie goes to hide in her bedroom, and Smurf Face (Adam) comes into check on her. Hey writers, here’s a pro-tip for you. If you want a character’s grief to seem real, maybe you should have put the person who just died in more than, say, four episodes. Smurf Face tries to comfort Cassie by saying, “I know who you are inside,” in an insanely creepy, pervy way that I’m pretty sure wasn’t intended. Then Cassie kisses him! GROSS.
Thank God Sully interrupts them. Smurf Face leaves, and Cassie asks if Diana is her half-sister. Sully admits that he slept with Diana’s mom, but only one time. Ain’t that the way! Cassie is determined to find the last two crystals so she can form THE CRYSTAL SKULL and take the witch hunters down.
Downstairs, Jake and Faye USE MAGIC to tip over PLL’s purse so they can steal her happy pills and take the edge off of this terrible day when a character we barely knew died.
Sully interrupts. He was only with Diana’s mom once. That’s how it works! Cassie is determined to find the last two crystals so she can take the witch hunters down.
Diana arrives home and asks her dad, Harry Hamlin Lite (HHL) if Sully is her father. Wow, HHL looks awesomely uncomfortable! ACTING! He admits that he and his wife were separated for a brief period, so yes, Diana is Sully’s daughter. Diana starts crying, which doesn’t make any sense to me, because who would you rather have as yr dad, HHL or Sully, who can chop wood with an ax and wrestle a buffalo? Chin up, Diana! HHL makes her promise to stay away from Sully, and she agrees.
At the Requisite LJ Smith House of Disrepair Set Far Away in the Woods, Melissa, Cassie and Smurf Face meet with Sully to DO MAGIC to find the last two crystals. They sit around a map and begin to chant, and suddenly, fairy dust appears! Tinkerbell is here to help them out of this jam! No, wait, it’s just… CGI sparkles that point to Jake’s house. LAME.
Not lame, however, is the hot action going down between Faye and Jake in his bedroom! Yes! I kinda hope this means Jake is over Cassie, but it’s obvious this is just a witches with benefits thing. I’m fine with that! Faye opens up PLL’s pill container, and whoah, there’s a crystal inside! Honestly, I would have preferred the happy pills.
They bring the crystal to the Requisite LJ Smith House of Disrepair Set Far Away in the Woods, but unfortunately it doesn’t have any power left. See, not as good as happy pills! Now the Circle just has to find Adam’s family crystal, which Sully believes is “cloaked.” I literally cannot hear that word without thinking of Star Trek. Which is not a bad thing.
Cassie shows up at Diana’s house, and Diana tells her about the TIA (This Is Awkward) moment with HHL. Diana doesn’t think they should be doing everything Sully tells them, but Cassie wants to get revenge for Teen Grandma’s death.
Meanwhile, Melissa and Smurf Face are in an episode of Hoarders, looking for his family crystal. Smurf Face tells Melissa about Cassie kissing him, and Melissa suggests day drinking! Because she is the best! And day drinking is always the answer.
The rest of the Circle meets up at the Requisite LJ Smith House of Disrepair Set Far Away in the Woods, and Diana tells them that Sully is her dad. Faye is PISSED, because she really, really wanted some of that sweet DARK MAGIC running through her veins. Suddenly, a huge gust of wind comes into the house, and the ping pong table where the crystal is sitting begins to spin. Then the crystal gets sucked into the table and disappears! I really hope that means that from now on, all games played on that table will look like this.
Faye gets to say another good line: “”We totally got out magicked in our own magic house!” The Circle thinks it was the witch traitor that’s been working with the witch hunters. Jake wants to talk to Isaac, his old witch hunter pal, and convince him to help them stop Eben, the head of the hunters, whose name always sounds like Evan to me, which then reminds me of that Anfrone joke that Tim Meadows makes in Mean Girls. The Circle agrees to meet with Isaac, and Diana and Jake decide they won’t tell Sully about it.
Back at Hoarders, Melissa and Smurf Face are having the BEST TIME EVER. She’s drunkenly counseling him about Cassie, and he’s obviously just drinking water in a vodka bottle because Smurf Face doesn’t know how to make a “I just shot straight vodka” Cringe Face. He spots a framed coin on the wall that his grandfather used to make disappear… i.e. CLOAKED! Watch out for Klingons! He takes the coin out of the frame and successfully attempts to make disappear like his grandfather did. But now he doesn’t know how to uncloak it! Also, the brief pantomime of Smurf Face and Melissa “touching” the invisible coin is just… it’s a priceless moment of television, you guys.
The Circle shows up in the forest to meet Isaac, but it’s not Isaac. It’s some dude with emo hair named Ian.
Meanwhile, HHL walks into a coffee shop and confronts Sully about being Diana’s father. HHL totally hulks out and punches Sully, but before Sully can do anything to retaliate, a crowd has gathered around them. HHL vows to take Diana away from Chance Harbor. Dude, if it helps, I know a guy she can stay with in Australia! Plus THEY HAVE DANCE ACADEMY THERE.
Cut to PLL, looking in her purse for her crystal. She just now realized it’s gone? I mean, her purse isn’t even that big!
Over at the forest, Emo Hair tells the Circle that Isaac was killed by Eben. Cassie doesn’t believe him, and they all recognize him from the night of the Halloween party when the witch hungers tried to kill the Circle. Cassie starts using her DARK MAGIC to choke Emo Hair, but Diana stops her. Oh, I get it, so Diana is the GOOD Dark Magic twin.
Eben tells them that the witch traitor escaped, so Eben killed Isaac. Emo Hair tracked the traitor to Chance Harbor, and apparently the traitor is a dude. And since we already know Nick is coming back…
They let Emo Hair go, and Diana announces that she wants to make a truce with the witch hunters. I’m having a bit of a hard time following this part and wait, WHY AM I EVEN TRYING?
Diana gives Cassie a major face hard and tells her that she would NEVER use DARK MAGIC. Oh Diana, get over yrself. They use the Tinkerbell’s treasure map to find the other crystal, and I don’t understand why it didn’t show up before but I am also beyond caring.
At Hoarders, Smurf Face uses a paper and pencil to shade the markings on the coin, and he and Melissa read the words together. The coin reappears, and so does a secret panel in the wall! Guys, you know you can just build a secret panel, right? I mean, you don’t need magic to do it or anything. Just saying.
Sully decides to pay a visit to PLL. He tells her that Diana is his daughter, and he mentions that he and PLL “tried.” Tried… having sex? Getting pregnant? LSD? WHAT? Sully needs PLL to help him keep Diana in town, and in return, he promises to give her power back. He also says he’s going to eliminate the Elders after he takes care of the witch hunters. Sully is obviously lying, at least about giving PLL her power, but she is an idiot and agrees to talk to HHL.
Melissa and Smurf Face look inside the secret cabinet, but all they find is “girlie magazines” and junk. Typical Hoarders. They decide they need Tinkerbell’s treasure map to find the last crystal.
Scooby Doo, where are you?
The rest of the Circle arrives at Hudson Field, which is a creepy old carnival. Of course it is! And Faye is scared of clowns. Of course she is! Apparently, the crystal that got eaten by the ping pong table is somewhere on the grounds. And somebody is watching them! There’s creepy music playing, because the staff obviously doesn’t care about conserving electricity here at Ye Olde Creepy Carnival. Faye gets another fun line, “Remind me to download this song. It’ll be perfect for my Running For Your Life treadmill mix.” They split up, and Cassie and Diana are immediately frightened by… a rat. SIGH.
PLL pays HHL a visit and asks him what’s going on. He tells her that Sully wants to have his own private army of witches, and PLL admits that she’s losing Faye to him. She now realizes the flaw of their plan to bring Cassie into town to get the Circle’s power so HHL and PLL could get their power back. “We handed the power right to them.” Um, yeah, that’s… exactly what you did. And you didn’t see the flaw in that before NOW?
Back at the carnival, Jake and Faye spot Emo Hair sitting in a ride, and he is so dead. His hair is appropriately emo in response. They turn the power on USING MAGIC, and as the ride spins around, we see that it’s full of dead witch hunters. Jake is convinced that Nick, I mean, the witch traitor did it.
Over at the Requisite LJ Smith House of Disrepair Set Far Away in the Woods, Sully finds Smurf Face and Melissa hunched over Tinkerbell’s treasure map. They think they found the last crystal, and it’s somewhere in the high school.
Faye and Jake follow a trail of blood through a creepy haunted/fun house, and was it really wise to split up after seeing a ride full of murdered people?! Apparently, a rat is scarier to Diana than a ride of dead people, because she’s totally unfazed and starts lecturing Cassie about her DARK MAGIC. Cassie tells her not to judge, and I completely agree. Haters gonna hate, Cassie! Suddenly, they seem someone in a hoodie running away, and they chase him.
Meanwhile, Jake finds a sway (an object that transfers power from witches to mortals) and realizes that this fun house must be the traitor’s lair! Dude, was there NO WHERE ELSE you could hang out? I mean, what about the Snack Shack? They probably still had some cotton candy in there! Jake finds a picture of his parents, and he’s all, “Why is there a picture of my parents?!” Obvs, Jake doesn’t read the Secret Circle spoilers on the internet.
The best part of this photo isn't the awkward pose, it's the fact that the CW chose to release it for promotional purposes.
In pursuit of the hooded guy, Cassie uses her DARK MAGIC to throw a spear at him, but at the last minute, she heeds Diana’s wisdom and just smacks him with it instead of killing him. He drops the crystal, and Cassie picks it up then sees that the hooded guy is… NICK! SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! I AM BEYOND SHOCKED AT THIS STARTLING TURN OF EVENTS.
And that’s where the episode ends. So, what did y’all think? Is Nick going to be bad or good? Is Sully really evil or not? And, most importantly, who wants to day drink with me? Maybe we’ll find a secret cabinet! Filled with more alcohol!
Next episode: "Prom"